My niece is getting married Easter weekend. We will need to spend the night at a hotel. Our daughter was married this time last year out of town. Of course my DH went with me. He did walk our daughter down the aisle. He did not really know what was going on. I had to get up and get him from the front of the church after he walked her down. He also was up the night before the wedding so confused as to who I was and what was going on. I am torn in not taking him to this wedding. I will not be as stressed, because it is not my daughters wedding. My sister wants all of us to help set up for the wedding. My DH coming would not allow me to help her. I would say that he is in the mid to late stage 6. He did go to a couples shower with me. That did not go well. He did not seem to know a lot of the family that he sees quite often.
It is just so sad to start excluding him from these big family events. I am not ready to give in to this AD. Although I know that I will not enjoy the wedding as much with him with me. It is so sad for me to admit that this is the best thing. I mean it will be the first family event that he will not be in the pictures. I guess I am having a hard time getting on with life without him.
I have been thinking lately, that I am as dependent on taking care of him as he is on me being around. I want outside help so I have some time. Then I don't know what to do with myself when I have it. I know I should not feel guilty, but we all do. It is such a hard transition. I hate this. I know that he probably will not remember me going without him. He will not know who is getting married all the way there.
We went to see our newest granddaughter at the hospital last week. He asked me many times where are we going? I said to see your granddaughter. He looked at me like I was crazy. When we got there he still did not know why we were at the hospital. It is sad. I did get a picture of him holding her with my stepson right there. I told him that he had to sit and help his dad hold her. He held her out like he did not know what to do with her. If I were to mention her today, he would not know who she was.
Anyway, just wanted to vent. I guess not vent, but get out what is on my mind right now.
jackie - I think we all know the feeling. My family is having a 'birthday' party in August for our sister that turned 75 last month. She is the one who had the stroke a few years ago and quickly showed signs of VaD. It took me 3 years to convince her kids. I have avoided get togethers because hb can not handle all the people. The last one there, we were living there in the motorhome that was parked at her place, so he could stay in it. Cost too much to take and besides we can no longer get it up her driveway without a lot of tree trimming. We will stay in a hotel.I have decided he will have to find a way to deal with it. Unless he has a bigger decline I think he will do fine. I am also changing his neuro appt from Sept to August - might as well save another trip there since it is 5 hour drive. Then I will know if we are staying in this area or moving back to Portland/Vancouver area.
Find someone to watch him and go enjoy yourself, maybe to go with you. I know my sister (the one above) want to go to her grandson's wedding. We went with her and helped with her husband - he was confined to a wheelchair and also had dementia. If not, maybe there is a place you can put him in respite a couple days.
jackie, my DH is also in late stage 6 and I've had to quit taking him with me to special family events. Yes, the guilt is there but it's easier on everybody and, really, it's just me that feels bad about it. He doesn't feel left out or anything because he doesn't know what's going on anyway. This apparently is just another step in the grieving process. I've been grieving each decline for over 6 years now. Like you, when I have someone to help with him, I don't know what to do with myself.
I agree that facing reality and trying to do whats best for HIM is critical. he would probably be more peaceful in his own surroundings and with someone watching out for him at this point. I remember never having time to enjoy any event when I took mine. I was also of the mindset I had to take him for his sake and mine and looking back it would have been best to have him stay in his comfort zone. and I would have been able to enjoy the event and family. its hard to accept they have slipped to this point but in our minds we need to admit its only the first of many to come. each will be dramatic for us more than them. maybe a respite or someone to come stay with him in the hotel while you attend. divvi
To you wonderful caring girls......... ......As I read your posts I am reminded of my own feelings with my dear Helen. At the time, I felt much the same as all of you, but now that it's over with I have a clearer picture of what was going on. ......As sad as it seems, I was not caring for my dear Helen, It was only her body that I was caring for and dragging around to family events. She was no longer on this earth. During that time, I don't think I could have excepted that view. She looked so alive and real, But now I believe it to be true. ......All I had was her body........Which I still have.......Converted to a box of ashes sitting on the kitchen sink. .....................................Poor Old GeorgieBoy Edit......After thinking about the above post for a couple days, I decided that I was wrong about caring for her body........... I think what I was caring for was the baby girl that she once was..........I should really give my posts a little more thought before I send them..........