Happy Birthday to me...Happy Birthday to me. Today was my birthday, and it is the first year since diagnosis that I REALLY spent it alone. I mentioned it to Paul, my husband of 30 years who has never missed a year of remembering (sometimes with a little prompting). He forgot it almost immediately. No mention of a special dinner or gift. At lunch I asked him if he wanted to make plans to go out for dinner for my birthday. He said for me to go ahead without him. Today was one of those days when he just wanted to sleep, sleep, sleep. Later tonight after many, many hours of sleep through the day, I settled for a salad and sandwich for dinner. He asked what I had been doing all day, I said well it was my birthday and I am now age 64. He began to cry and had a real crying spell. Maybe it helped, he hasn't done this for a long time. He said he was so sorry he was so sick and wasn't the man I married. We both cried together and agreed that tomorrow would be another day and we had a lot to be thankful for. AD has taken so much from him and our relationship it makes birthdays and holidays different if not downright painful.
With the holidays coming up soon, I am wondering how others "get through" all the festivities and parties, etc. Last year was a challenge, but this year will be different. Paul does not enjoy company at the house and he no longer enjoys going to restaurants and except for church he is not very sociable. He would rather stay home. I think I will be missing a lot this year.
I know he will not be able to buy me a gift for Bday, Christmas, etc. If he could he would. So I treat myself to the gifts I know he would like to get me. He always wants to buy me diamonds. Bday and Christmas are coming, I feel I need to replace 1 lost diamond earring.
For my big 65 Bday, 2 of my girlfriends took me out to lunch and fun things.
Holidays, family dinners but keep it short, easy and not too many people. I also send the kids outside or to another room to watch TV.
Gene loves to go out to eat. He can not remember that he just want out, so almost everyday I have to tell him we can't go out every night. Ours is a small town so you get tired of going to the same place over and over. He used to like beef tacos, but they are hard for him to handle now. Any suggestion for Mexican food he could handle. Most of the restaurants that are inexpensive are Mexican. (Southern California)
Happy Birthday Jayne. Our 40th Anniversary is Sunday and my 70th birthday is Tuesday. My spouse has early dementia and functions very well 99% of the time - but I always have to be aware of the 1% can come out at any time and be very difficult in a number of "creative" obsinate ways. He had asked to have a party and invite all of our friends for our anniversary. WE don't have any friends. I have friends, but he has never wanted to cultivate any. So, I told him that wasn't possible. I would be on pins and needles afraid that he would develop one of his long lasting moods where he is very angry with me and makes sure everyone knows it. I didn't think that would be appropriate for a festive event. We haven't spoken about our anniversary again until tonight when I asked him if we could go to church Sunday together and then go out for a meal and celebrate our anniverysary just the two of us. He seemed to like that. I can't give him too much notice as sometimes he has a pattern of sabatoging events - almost like he likes the negative attention. On my birthday, I told him a while back that this year it is private for me - I want no gifts or celebration. I am looking forward to my birthday and didn't want to have to worry about what he would do to keep me on edge about it. I have a day planned with my friends. I can't tell him too much as he has a way of creating chaos with a little info. I bought myself an anniversary gift - a figurine of two white doves in an endearing pose. It reminds me of when we were like that. I don't know about the rest of the holidays, but for the past few years, we have been staying home. Our family lives several hours away and trips have become torture. He wants to stop the car and get out because he gets upset about something with me. So, it is just easier to stay here. While some things seem to be the same, everything is different and will never be like the "good old days" again. But, God has been good to us and I am sure He will give us the grace we need to handle this awful illness. Thanks for sharing. Faith&hope
Happy birthday Jayne !!! Last year was the first time Larry really didn't get that it was my birthday . Me too made some simple thing and then he said "well I guess I should have made you a cake or something" i was sad because he always made me feel special on my birthday and I had just lost my dad a few months before,,,This year our 2nd oldest son is coming home for Christmas and he said ma I am staying for your birthday...He has never remembered my birthday ..The bugger is trying to step up for his daddy..I hate this decease it is so unfair!!!!!!
Thanks everyone for your Birthday greetings.....they really helped! It's been a couple days and I have recovered from my pity party. Now for the holidays!
Welcome back joan! I am looking forward to your ideas on the blog topic of sorting out mixed signals from our adult children.
Birthdays and holidays are difficult Jayne. But a belated Happy Birthday. My birthday was a week ago, but my daughter and sister were here to help me celebrate.
Happy Anniversary Imohr and anyone else. Our 38th was on the 16th. I remember back when I thought 1 year would be a long time and 5 years an eternity. Then on our 5th, I thought 25 would be a long time away. The years come and go so fast and before you know it, they have come and gone.
Next month my wife has a birthday (79), and 10 days later is our 55th wedding anniversary. At this point I don't know what to do about either, since she will not remember anything. Our older daughter will be here for the anniversary, so maybe she'll come up with something.
marsh, I wouldn't worry about either since she won't remember. A suggestion, if she likes to eat out take her and your daughter out to a nice meal. Personally, I like a small boquet of pretty live flowers that you can buy at most large groceries. No need to spend a lot of money.
Maybe your daughter will take your wife out for the afternoon and you do something just for you. With this disease I think the "presents" are better for the caregiver than the dementia patient.
Is it just me and my clinical depression, or does anyone else feel that holidays are just as well slept through? For several years now, I have not decorated the house or put up the xmas tree, nor 'enjoyed' any other holiday like 4th of July, even Thanksgiving. We go to our daughter's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, but not to eat, but to put the foods in containers to bring home and eat. This is because I have to consider meds in applesauce, thickening drinks, and feeding DW. Much easier done at home, not in front of a bunch of in-law family and kids running around. Sure do miss doing all those things in a 'normal' way.
TexasJoe, it is just not you or clinical depression-holidays are difficult. My DH is in a home, so I go see him, but not the same. I wish I had the answer for you, but like you, I have also thought sleeping through holidays would be easier. My family lives elsewhere, so I am alone and it hurts when I see families together. My answer has been to go to one of my daughters for holidays, which is not always posible. My situation is different than yours, because my dh is in a home. Maybe we have to find our own way to deal with the situation we are in right now. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with holidays. My heart goes out to you and hope this weekend is not too difficult for you. Take some time for yourself.
Me, I'm doing the stuff I have to do today then I'm sleeping in front of the television with my cat. I can smell my neighbors across the hill starting up the grill, hear kids screaming and playing. Here I am.
DarleneC, it wouldn't be quite so bad if the tv news just took a break from showing all the family and community activities going on as if to mock we that can't do that anymore. I suppose I could switch channels to some show or movie, but that would probably show naked lovers in bed, so then what? Back to the news or turn it off and have a couple of stiff drinks! A time machine would be nice to get in and advance it ahead a day or so. Back to the Future?
Birthdays and Holidays are hard for me too. July 1st of last year was our 25th annaversary. To most couples that is to be cellabrated but it was just another day, hubby didn't, couldn't know the difference. I was in a state of deep depression. I love him so dearly but the "husband" I once loved has been replaced by a seinor child who needs me to take care of him. I'm not complaining, just so lonesome for days gone by.
Hi Gail, and welcome! Sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you are. I completely understand the 'lonesome for days gone by'. I miss my pre AD hubby so much everyday. He still functions well on most days, (no driving anymore) but watching him slip further away everyday is so hard. No plans for the Memorial Day weekend. Our kids and their families have plans elsewhere. ~Sigh~
Hey TexasJoe....bet my Rhode Island depression is better than your Texas depression.....maybe smaller but more powerful! No time to remember that I am lonely and longing for holidays from the past as I am sitting here carefully watching my dear husband. New one for him...he decided to take 2 days of medication instead of one! Think his neurons will be so powered up that he will find a cure for cancer by bedtime! So far if you are all wondering....too many Mematine (Namenda) and Galantine (Razadyne) and BP meds have only caused nausea which seems to have subsided with antacids and lots of fluids. Frequent BP monitoring.
Marsh...we recently had our anniversary and it was a delightful day with an early dinner. In my humble opinion, day with her will be well spent if you go to a familiar restaraunt with your daughter and a wait staff who will fuss over her. Seemed to work in our case...with a box of something to open...even a stuffed animal! Warm and fuzzy.
Lois, Congratulations! Marsh, early congratulations to you and your wife! You might want to share photos with your wife of your wedding and earlier anniversaries, and a cupcake (if she likes them) and a simple kiss. That is how we're going to celebrate our 48th in a couple of months. Then, when you and Susan go out, have a toast to all of us here!
TJ, I've learned to avoid the news. I just get the headlines online, and our state newspaper just started sending our daily paper to me by e-mail! I can click on any article in the paper (it looks like the one delivered) and that article will pop up so that I can read it. It's cool! On past Memorial Day weekends and Labor Day weekends, we would go to one of two large lakes a couple of hours from the house, stay at the lodges there with our grown children and families or our best friends and rent a pontoon boat for the day and spend one day on the water, just boating, being pulled on a large innertube, and having a picnic. Those days are gone, but the memories and photos are still there. We're watching movies. We hadn't seen "The Bee Movie" and my daughter had it and put it in the DVD. It was really cute. Escapism. That is the name of the game. We have to mentally escape!!
We used to celebrate life. Now we spend more time celebrating memories. <sigh>
Hi, scs, I know its a fantasy, but wouldn't it be great if we could all get together in a huge room like high school reunions do, and everyone "work the room" meeting and hugging and drinking (in moderation of course) the whole time? Man, what a 'trip' that would be. For a while anyway, there wouldn't be any loneliness. Then at some point we'd all have to go home. Bummer. <sigh>
Boy, Mary, sounds like you used to have a blast. We never really did anything but grill a burger either at our house or the kids' 'cause it is always to hot to go anywhere outside (except to tend the grill of course). Now, we don't even get asked if we want to come up. I guess they figure I will ask if we want to visit them.
TJ, I love your idea of a get-together for all of us!
Also, we lived in Houston for 17 years, and loved to go tubing on the Groene River north of San Antonio. We'd rent an extra innertube with a bottom in it for our cooler (I had suntan lotion, bandaids, etc. in ziplock bags, as well as sandwiches!) and filled with drinks and food, and for 8 hours we would glide down the river - along with a couple of hundred others! Slow, easy and relaxing and COOL! Man, those were fun trips.....
Now Joe...what is this moderation comment all about??? Carpe diem....always wondered if that meant "Fish Die"...hmmm coming from Mafia country takes on a different meaning.
Love your idea...you should look into a cyber reunion for tomorrow.
Clare...agree. Have not forgotten just been a very busy, crazy time.
On Memorial Day weekend any siblings that wanted would campout at a brother's property up the Columbia Gorge. On Memorial Day he would take us white water rafting on the White Salmon River. It usually took 2 to 3 trips to get everyone. The trips could take 2-4 hours depending on how high the water was. As our kids grew up, his wife didn't want to do it anymore so it stopped. I still miss the white water rafting - what a rush both of ice cold water and adrenaline!!
I hate holidays - have since I was a child. As a child they were spent dodging my abusers. Married - he has never been one to make activities fun, for me anyway. He would laugh and joke with others, but not me. I told him the other day that is something I am having to get use to - joking around with me. People would always say, 'he must be fun to live with'. My reply would be, 'he isn't this way at home'. Seem to never soak in.
Holidays - always stressful. Could do without them. Christmas and Easter - am always celebrating Christ, so don't need one special day for it.