My hubby and his phone calls....5X's and more per day and god forbid if I don't answer the phone. He won't leave a message on the answering service so I'm not even sure how many time exactly he calls. Then if I don't answer....on the compute so line rings through to service, shower, at work....etc then it's "why don't you answer the phone" "what were you doing?" etc....controlling questions. This morning was the final straw at 5:00 am. Now I know he waits until the staff is away from the desk and helps himself to the phone but we just have to figure out some thing to slow him down to 1X per day. I know this may only last for a year until the disease has progress to the point he can't use a phone any more but I have to sleep so I can get up and go to work. Any ideas?
This can play out much sooner than a year, more like 3 months for me. I found the best thing to do was answer the phone and let him have his say. For those times when you can't answer the phone and he asks why, you can say truthfully, "I was at the dentist." "I must have been taking a shower." "I was at work." You could pull your phone before you go to bed. He will get a busy signal, and you won't be wakened by a ringing phone. If he asks you why your phone is busy at that time of the morning (5:00 a.m.), you could say, "The phone must have been off the hook." Blocking his phone number would mean you wouldn't get calls from the nursing staff. Short of sedating him (and if phoning is his only misbehaviour, then I wouldn't recommend it), there's nothing really to be done at this stage. I think you'll find that this will soon pass, or he'll get into other behaviour that will need medication. Love to you, Amber.
I have a Panasonic phone where I can put it on nite mode and it won't ring until the time set for it to ring. That has good and bad situations. However, if you have that you could leave word with the NH that between those hours that you set, to call in an emergency on your cell phone. Do not let the hubby have that number.
Talked to the nurse and they are going to move the phone out of sight. Great idea about the cell phone....funny how when you are right in the middle you don't see simple things....so I will unplug my phone at night and give the NH my cell to call in emergency at night and that should stop his calling and waking me up. Plus they are going to re-evaluate him over the next couple of days to make sure he isn't going into an aggressive stage.
Mary - 3 months I can do and I want him to be able to contact me but not that much and with his questions becoming controlling and demanding that is worrisome.
On President's day my wife called me over 100 times from her ALF. She has a constant need to tell me what she is doing and ask what to do. She was like this before moving into the ALF, her caregivers had home had to distract her and remind her to not constantly call me. Since she usually calls me on my cell phone I can create a log of her calls. Sometimes calls are separated by 15 seconds. The calls usually repeats the same information from other calls or her e-mails.
While call frequency is better than 2 months ago, the calls often come in clumps. She might be agitated, unhappy, happy, etc. My friends and family wonder why I am not an alcoholic (they have said as much).
Many times I feel that the calls are controlling. If I am at home I should be doing housework or doing something for her, not relaxing. She feels a need to be in control of house stuff (are you washing dishes/clothing, change the air filter). Since this is still home in her mind it is understandable.
I am fortunate that she does not call me when I am sleeping. If that was a problem I would turn off my cell at night and block her from the landline. It is easier for me because my wife uses her cell phone so I know the incoming number. There is no confusion if staff is trying to call me or if she is trying to call me.
She can get very upset if she needs to talk to me and I am not available. She leaves angry voice mails, I usually don't listen to them.
Now for a suggestion. If you don't have a cell phone get one. Have the LTC staff call you on the cell phone only. This way you can block the LTC number on your landline or turn off the ringer at night. Make sure the LTC understands that if they call you on the landline at certain times they will not be able to reach you.
Along those lines your phone company might have a way that you can turn blocking on and off for a particular number. I can do this with Verizon. You can turn on blocking when you wish, you still need a way for staff to reach you. You phones might allow to set different ringers for different incoming phone numbers, maybe you could set his number to not ring.
There have been a few times when I accidentally made it impossible for my wife to call me. One time I left my cell in the car so I didn't have it in the office. I called and told her (I am lucky that she never calls my office phone). Another time I accidentally left the home phone off the hook for 30 minutes while my cell was turned off. I realized I was much more relaxed in these situations. During the day if my wife calls too much I will set my cell not to ring from her phone number. It is a pain to turn the ringer for her on and off but I think this has trained her to not call when I say I am busy at work.
I am still grappling with this issue for when I am at home. She is lonely and I know she can't help the calls. But I need my sanity. And you need your sleep.
Paul - I was thinking of you when I started this thread and how much your wife calls you. I just couldn't handle that many time each day. When do you give yourself some "off" time. Hubby uses the NH phone....I would never give him his own phone then I would be like you are....so the number that shows up is the NH number and I will always answer it just in case. I'm sure hoping Mary is right and it's just for the next few months. He has stopped his obsession about coffee so maybe soon.
Amber, I can't say when it will end. For me, on most days, it is not as bad as it used to be. I can handle it because it is just something else that happens with dementia and I take one minute at a time. Oh, at times I am foaming at the mouth. Sometimes I just put the phone down and let L talk, most of the time she doesn't know the difference.
Also make sure that you talk with the staff. I don't think they can put a lock on that phone. I can't think of a solution but they might be able to think of something.
My husband (with ftd) lost the ability to use the phone quite early. Yet, if it crossed his mind to make a call, he wanted instant gratification and had a very low tolerance level.
How about getting your husband one of those inexpensive throw away phones and then blocking that number?
It had occurred to me that the nursing staff could forget, or a substitute could not be informed of the policy. Perhaps if your husband has that phone of his own he will lose interest in using the one at the nurse's station anyway?
I know it is frustrating. While home my husband did not permit any phone to ring, chime or make any noise. Trying to adjust to flash only could get beyond for me. Most of the times I just let the calls log in and then return them sitting in my car and using my cell. At some time I found myself jumping at the sight of the flash so just turned that off as well and checked the log at intervals.
paul this is of course just my own opinion and if it was me with all those calls. I think I would make a specific voice mail receptor call telling your wife you are busy but want to hear what she has to say and just let those excessive compulsive calls go to voicemail. then you chose to listen or delete. we all know the obsessive compulsive disorder that accompanies AD can be so overwhelming and depending on what they are fixated on as their obsession. the stress of all those calls and phones ringing cant be good for you or your psyche. please rethink how you can adjust her abilities to get thru to you so you can start to downsize the stress and frustrations that go with this behavior. removing a private phone and having them allowed a couple calls from the staffs phones sounds like a good idea. I know it sounds harsh but I think with time and few days adjustment with a bit of anxiety meds should help her and you adjust. that many calls is just crazy to have to deal with whether you say its easier or not. remember you are the one to make rational decisionmaking now. sometimes its not easy but needed. best of luck. divvi
Paul - I wonder what your BP is after so many calls. Why I'm writing this is so many of us watch or didn't watch, because we were so busy putting our LO ahead of ourselves, our health declining and declining. This is what I worry is happening to you.
Unplugged phone at 5 pm plugged it back in at 9:30 am. Told family and friends if they need to get hold of me to text me on my cell and I will call them. So nice to have a quiet stress free evening!
It is better than if we were living together. So far my health has been OK, though I should get more exercise. Good thing my commute involves a good deal of walking. But if it isn't calls it is very frequent textng.
Things I do to keep healthy: I don't listen to all of the voicemails, I don't read the texts if there are too many. I hang up on her, I put the phone down and walk away. Yeah, she doesn't have a clue when I indicate or say outright that I don't want to communicate with her.
Someone our age moved into the ALF yesterday. He is alert and while he has a brain problem it isn't dementia and until Saturday was living on his own. Hopefully he will ecome a friend.