For a number of years,as DH passed into the Dementia world and left our wonderful life behind, he has continually, berated me and reprimanded me for my actions,thoughts and dreams. I have not been able, in his mind, to do anything the right way. Now I have started to fight back and insist he stop reprimanding me. He says he is just trying to help me do things the right way. In other words "his way" I just feel so useless and incapable. I have decided to take control of my own finances and to look for things to do for me but I just seem to go one step forward and two back. I will look for something to get involved in and get excited about it then when it comes time to go I just back away. I just don't know what to do with this new life I have alone.
Jazzy I am sorry that you feel that way. Look at what you have done. You should be proud of yourself. You have and are taking care of this man. No matter what it throws at you, you have done more than a lot of people would do. You are not useless or incapable. Where would your DH be at this point without you? I know that they say we are not to try and reason with them, but it is hard. It is hard when someone you have loved says these things to you. I am having that same trouble right now.
You need to find things for you. I am also trying to do that. It is hard. Because how do you do that now? Where do you look? I get overwhelmed thinking of going out and doing things. I start out if I have a couple of hours where someone has my DH, then I find myself doing nothing and back home. If most of you are like me all friends have disappeared and there is no one to hold you accountable to do these things. I have a very wonderful family, but they all have lives of their own, jobs and children.
Sorry Jazzy, I am sending you hugs and prayers. You are CAPABLE and USEFULL! Make a list of your dreams and go for them. I am going to make a list of mine and start working towards them. That will be my goal when I have a few hours to myself.
Jazzy, I echo jackiem29. You are capable, and you have accomplished a lot. Your loved one has Dementia - his reality of what is right and wrong is not necessarily going to be rational. You are the rational one in this relationship, and even if "his way" is right, it doesn't mean that " your way" is wrong. As we used to say "there's more than one way to skin a cat!" I think a visit to a psychotherapist would do you a world of good. You need to start believing in yourself, and sometimes we just need a little bit of a push from a professional to help us.
Reminds me of a plaque that I saw last week. "If I did things your way, then we would both be wrong". : )
I had the same berating for ten years or so leading up to DH dx. It took a lot out of me. I knew I could not be that incompetent.
Like the others have said, look at all you have been able to do for your DH and yourself in the past few years. You are smart, talented and a problem solver and we are proud to know you. Good advice here, wish you the best. You will work through this to, and become stronger for it.
Jazzy - If only he could realize how much you do "right". If you did everything wrong then he sure wouldn't be where he is now....well looked after. Time to take over everything and be kind to yourself and give yourself a year or two to get your feet back under yourself. Also maybe limit what you tell him about what you are doing financial, the house and other things. Because he is fading, now in care and can no longer do it himself, he knows he is losing control that has to be adding stressors to him causing him to lash out at you because of it.
You are smart, You are strong, You are beautiful....from the movie The Help.... This is so true about you.
Dealing with all of the nitty gritty details of medical care, ALF care, finances, upkeep, etc seems to have drained me too. I bought a sewing machine in December and have yet to sew anything. I have art supplies, but no creative juice. I seldom cook (a passion), and can't find the wherewithal to even keep things neat. For a long time, I couldn't even read a book and I love reading. I guess the answer to all of this is "time." The desire, the creativity, the energy will come back when it comes back. At least I hope they haven't left permanently. Please, someone, tell us that our passion for activities of life isn't dead.
marche - The passion isn't dead....working on my bucket list and going on my first adventure in April. Believe me this didn't happen over night but I seem to be rebounding pretty good. I think this has a lot to do with the kind of work I do and the training I've had. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time....you'll all get there.
Thank you to all if you. I think we all know what we have to do but just can't get moving. Marche, you told me exactly how I am. Your word about you are mine. I had begun to believe that I was totally off the grid and useless. Today I had a conversation with my DD and she asked if I had a dream.i told about how I would like to buy a camper van and go out on day trips and also be able to visit friends and stay in their yards and have my own place. She thought this was great and I told her DH was totally against it and she said I should consider using some of the money from the house sale to do this for me. She think it would be a great idea and wants to go in short road trip with me. I have realized that I can do thus and I will now start to plan and research this project. I know just having something to look forward to is just what I need even if I don't ever do it, it's a good tun dream. I hope the Dr. Will give me the letter declaring the incompetent state as this will really settle it all.
Jazzy - you basically suffer from battered wife syndrome. He has battered you for a long time causing the loss of self esteem, confidence,etc. Making a list of dreams aka bucket list, getting yourself financially independent of him and taking over the finances are two big steps.
As for the camper - how big do you want? Do you want one that is self contained or one where you will need to park near bathrooms? Do you want to be able to remove the camper (like in a pickup and camper), tow another vehicle behind or one able to easily move even when in a campground/park? If you want the later, then a class B (basically a van conversion) is what you want to look at. Some of them come with porta potties that are good for emergency or nighttime use. If want one with a bathroom where you have a holding tank, can carry fresh water, cook in, have a bed you don't have to make up every night, does not get affected by the wind as much, then a Class C is what you would want. They are the ones that have a front that looks like a pickup. Class A is what I live in and is more like a 'box' which means the wind affects it a lot. My dream is to trade our 34 foot class C in for a smaller class A or C that I can get into more places. But I doubt that will happen due to finances.
Realizing he has beaten you down over the years is the first step. A therapist to talk to and/or self help books to change your thinking. I learned in therapy to call it 'stinky thinking'. Dr. Henry Cloud wrote a book long ago called 'Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future'. It is about learning to identify the bad messages we have told ourselves over the years and change them. He is also the author of 'Boundaries' which was very popular years ago.
Jazzy, I too am having a difficult time moving on. I placed my DH last August and when I am not visiting him I mostly stay home. I just recently joined a month long program at my church and am helping a friend with a caregiver program at her church later this month. It has taken me 6 months to venture out to do anything. I alway feels like I need to be working, shopping, cleaning or visiting him. I think you need to be kind and gentle to yourself and give yourself permission to just do nothing and heal the affects of this horrible disease. I have learned that the road back is one small step at a time. God Bless.
HI Jazzy. OH how nice to hear you may do some RVing with your DD, this sounds like a huge happiness booster. I really hope you can do it, I just know it will help you!
WOW, I actually held my ground with DH. Last night he called. He was upset because the nurse called and told him about they meeting on Wednesday. He told her he didn't ask for a mediator. She told him I did. I very quickly said" you told me you would not talk to me again unless we had a mediator" so I asked the nurse to arrange it. He just sort of snorted. He then said we need a mediator because we can't talk together anymore. I didn't bite so he asked me if he could call again or wait until the meeting. I told he I would rather wait. I don't want to cause any upsets. He said good bye and hung up. I have no idea what the mediator can do. I am not going to argue with him or get into any kind of pissing match. There is no way to discuss problems like this with someone who has Fronto. It's their way or no way. This should be interesting. I'll be sure to take my Ativan before I go. To refresh you, I am refusing to allow him to reprimand me or put me down. Just not going to happen anymore. He wants me to live my own life as long as it is lived the way he thinks is best. I am hanging up or ending our visits from now on. No point arguing!!
Stick to your guns Jazzy. I know there are people out there who will say that is horrible, but he has a terminal disease. There is no future for him. You do have a future and that is what you have to work on. I know you will make sure he is taken care of while taking care of you.
Charlotte, you are so right BATTERED WIFE syndrome. Even though the batterer is sick with dementia it is still battery because the low self esteem is just as real as real can be. One thing you said Jazzy was that you would want to try something and then pull back from doing it. Don't give up in trying even when you pull back, that is all part of the road to healing. At least you tried and as long as you keep trying eventually you will be able to work past the pulling back and find yourself on the other side.