I haven't posted for a while because things were not bad and I was not feeling so well. DH has sent an email to the family telling them that I and physically and mentally incapable of looking after a house.he has been reprimanding for every thought or action that I have. I finally told him to stop and when he kept talking I hung up the phone. He now will not call me or anything . Just one call to tell me he will not talk to me anymore without a mediator. So I called the head nurse to arrange the mediator and she informs me that he is now under a watch as they can't tell if he will be nice boy or volatile boy. He went off on one of the dietary aides this morning because she was to slow giving him his breakfast. The Dr. Has been told to get his plans for Meds in place as they will be needing it as they feel he is coming to a breaking point and that it will be soon. The staff want to be prepared. I can not take him out anymore or bring him to my apartment to stay over night or even out for coffee. I am not to go to his room alone anymore but I am to have lunch with him in the cafeteria between 11:00 and 12:00 as the staff from his floor are having lunch at that time as well and they can help me if need be. I have an offer on my house and if all goes well it will be taken over by the new owners on April 04. I have arranged for an account at the bank that he can't see or have access to where I can put that cash and I have opened a savings account to transfer my pensions. I am going to tell him I did this so I can learn to handle my own money as he has not turned the accounts over to me. Tomorrow I will start moving small amounts of cash from that account to mine. I will just take the cash out then put it back into mine. I have asked for a letter stating incompetence but I am not sure if the Dr. Will give it to me as he can still do banking and income tax. Banks do nothing to protect a spouse from loss of income but protect the dementia patient from losing control of his money. I know that there are some need for this but not everyone is steeling from their spouse some of us are honest and caring and still love that person very much and would never do anything to hurt them. This is breaking my heart and now I am being sent for lots of tests on Lungs, heart and I am being tested for PAD. They are concerned that I may be in line for a stroke if this continues. Well that rant is over.
Jazzy, Would the head nurse speak to his doctor about his actions and the steps they have to take in order to keep him and everyone else safe? The doctor might listen to the nurse. Have you spoken with the family concerning his condition and has the family spoken to the staff and head nurse? It's hard to find the hours in a day to take care of ourselves but we have to do it.
It seems like it would not be safe for you to take him out. Can you take a break from having lunch with him at the ALF- maybe just as a temporary measure to relieve yourself of that stress for a bit?
I hope you can cuddle at home with your pup and just get some emotional distance. Sending you best wishes.
The mediation meeting isn't until Wednesday so I will not go until then. He is sending me emails about losing weight and attitude, but they all end with "I love you" There are no calls and they are starting to give him lorazepam. I hope this settles him down some. It's funny how we try to convince ourselves that they are acting better and that everything will be alright now and we will see our old partner back, but that is just a lovely dream. They are never coming back. That person that we always felt so safe with, that we always new would take care of both our hearts and our bodies is gone and has been replaced by this unpredictable, self entered, overbearing one that we don't know but that we still love and want so much to care for. It just breaks your heart.
Jazzy, Do you even need to tell him any of your banking details? Could you just shrug your shoulders and say "I'm managing things fine, thank you." Then change the subject or leave the room. It seems that the more generic the details, the less he would have on which to criticize you AND the more self-assured you will appear.
Also, if the nursing staff is seeing his "other" side now, could you get the head nurse on your side to convince the doctor to give you a letter stating his incompetence? Our neurologist, from the beginning (although DH doesn't have FTD), asked what he could do to help get insurance/legalities figured out for me.
Jazzy, I had been wondering how you were doing, particularly since you had not posted recently, so thanks for the update, as sad as it is. I know from very recent experience what it is like to deal with personal health issues as well as dealing with the ups and downs of our LO's. We are constantly under stress, even on the good days, and something has to give sometime. Hang in there, honey, I know you are a strong woman and you can do this!
Congratulations on the potential sale of your house! But I agree with marche - does your dH really need all the banking details? Just giving him the details implies that you are not capable of looking after things on your own, and are seeking his approval . Sorry to seem so blunt but that is the way I see it from a distance. Open the account, transfer the money you need or want to, change the way your bills are paid so that they all come out of your account, and protect your own interests. And IMHO, there is absolutely no way that your dH should be doing your income taxes, even if it is something he has always done! If you don't feel comfortable doing them yourself, go to a professional in your area and have them done. If you need a name, I can provide one. A mistake on your LO's part now could take years to sort out, and you don't need the added stress.
I also feel that taxes and knowing about the house and extra accounts should not be things that your DH needs to know about. If he is that unstable, you need to keep as much as possible to yourself. The nursing staff sound like they could really help you here.
its time unfortunately to not divulge any of your banking practices. its only something that will cause more conflict. you do not have to discuss any of this with him as you have understood finally hes not coming back but leaping deeper into dementialand at a faster clip. it is difficult to take these tasks and new decisionmaking without discussions with our spouses, but as most of us know its for our own good in the longrun. discuss only what pertains to him and I wouldn't even mention what plans I have or am doing. and it appears they will soon be giving more meds to modify his behaviors so they can either work or cause worse conflicts. so you may have to adjust visiting soon as well. good luck. its not easy seeing them move into new losses. divvi
I found out what made him explode at the aide. She wasn't fast enough and missed giving his table all the food they get on a regular basis. She is a replacement and not up to speed so she did her best but it wasn't good enough for him. Fronto action all the way. It can only get worse.
I think I will send the aide some flowers and a thank you. I know how she felt. Poor thing.
Jazzy, I feel badly for you but your story has made me feel a bit better. My DH can still use his computer too but his judgement isn't good, and his memory is sketchy and unpredictable. His kids have told me that if I ever try to take over his finances, etc., they will go to court to oppose me. Also, DH is lightening fast at being insulting to me and waitresses, etc. So even though your story is a painful one - it helped me to see how differently the dementia process can work. Does your husband have frontal dementia? I've been thinking we may have a wrong or incomplete diagnosis at our house.
This doesn't sound right to me. If you have the responsibility for his care, then you need to be able to handle his finances. For starters, you should have Power Of Attorney. If you have already been threatened by his kids, I think it would be wise to see an elder care lawyer and learn how to protect yourself. I'm not sure where to look on this site - maybe "Stepkids" ? - but there have been many instances where stepkids have caused financial problems for the caregiver. It can be a nightmare, and it can impact the care you are able to provide for your husband further down the road. I see in your profile that you have been caregiving for a number of years. You really deserve to be protected.
My DH has bv fronto, vascular and AD. This morning went off on another aide in the dining room because she was to slow. The Nurse I spoke to says they are considering a different med. I have step children but they are very supportive now. At first they were in denial. I'm hoping that the Dr. Will declare him incompetent soon then I can take over the finances. I have full access as everything is in both our names. Just thinking Get some good advice real fast.
Mary75* and Jazzy, thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I was scheduled to meet with an elder law attorney last week, but weather interfered so I will meet this week. We have wills, etc.,from a regular attorney years ago, but since I've now received the kids' communication (who have always seemed to love and respect me, and are obviously in denial) I'm determined to consult the elder law attorney. Thank you again...people are so helpful on this site and the information is priceless.
JustThinking, No matter how much his kids try to threaten you, YOU, as his wife, are the NOK. You have every right to protect the financial status of your household. If you have not seen an eldercare attorney, you need to do so. And you need to make the banks clear that NO ONE other than you can have access to any accounts. Be wary...there have been situations where kids or siblings have actually got the ill person to the bank and fed the bank a tall tale and got funds changed to different accounts and the spouse is not aware of this until a crisis erupts.
Hi When I checked in with the head nurse yesterday, I was told DH had lost it again yesterday at another Aide. When the nurse team spoke to him about and suggested he have some patience , he told her "I don' have any anymore" I asked if a change in Meds was possible and they said more then likely but they have to discuss the situation with the team. The mediation meeting is tomorrow and I don't think it will accomplish anything. How do you mediate with a dementia patient? I'm concerned it may make things worse for me. He get so angry when he can't have his way.no flexibility left. Today I am going back to the town I lived in to meet my DS & DIL for coffee. I need to go away for the day.
Jazzy, the mediation itself will probably not solve anything but will provide a witness to how he is with you. Don't try to defuse him during this meeting. Let the mediator see his lack of flexibility. Though it sounds like they already see this behavior.
I agree with paul I would TRY to agitate him so they can see his real side. remember visuals make definite impressions. the mediators input may be of great help.it may influence how they start medications and relieve some of your distress with how he treats you.
Well some of you hit the nail on the head. He came in with three pages of complaints about me. He was fixated on the idea that I have ADHD or some other thing wrong with my head. He accused me of being mean to him, not being very loving, of being argumentative, of always getting upset if I don't get my own way. All the symptoms he has are now mine. He was very calm cool and collected. No matter what I did or said he turned it back to the ADHD. I did get some points across that he has to accept. No more nightly calls, visits in his room with door open only, other wise visits in cafeteria or in front lobby. I also got him to accept the fact that I may have to move back to my house 67 km away and visit twice a week. There will also be no more outings with out so done else with us. No more sleep overs or visits to my apartment.
He understands that he can't control his outbursts so this is the way is has to be now. I'm happy to have been able to get him to accept the inevitable and hope it works for awhile anyway.
Your hb projects his shortcomings on you. My wife complaints about others in her ALF mirror my complaints about her behavior. She cannot see her own behavior.
If I remember correctly he insisted that you move into an apt close to the ALF. And that he didn't want you to visit too often because he thought he would be too busy with activities. Where you live has to be your choice. Same with how often you visit. If he doesn't visit you at home it should not be his concern.
He seems to have recognized some things, that is good. Hope he remembers it next week.