My DH was dx'd with mild cognitive impairment 7 years ago and put on Aricept. Due to sleeping problems he also takes Nuvigil (narcolepsy med to help him stay awake), and Lexapro as he became verbally abusive and suspicious, even accusing me of wanting to sleep with his 19 year old autistic relative. He drives and is active in the community where probably most people don't see any problems (everybody forgets an appointment once in awhile, right?). About three weeks ago he told me his dream was to house homeless people and help them get back on their feet. He had found a 7000 square foot abandoned home available at auction and he wanted to buy it. He said he planned to use our savings, his retirement funds, and my continuing to work, and then "ask rich people for money" to support his venture. I told him that wasn't a good idea and we couldn't do that. A week later I saw the checkbook was missing - found out he had taken it and gone to the auction that afternoon to buy the house but "it cost too much but I almost had it". This past week, I noticed he was sleepy and irritable and I asked him if he had taken his meds and he said yes once and then a few days later when I asked again he said he forgot. Over the weekend he informed me that he doesn't plan to ever take the medications again and hadn't been taking them for a week. He expressed some opinions about his meds that I knew he didn't think of - turns out one of his daughters and his xwife (he ran into her while visiting a mutual friend in the hospital and decided to tell her about his medications) told him to take magnesium and red yeast instead (or at least that's what he understood) so he stopped all medications, lied to me, continued to drive which he isn't allowed to do without the Nuvigil. I've tried all weekend to get him to restart his meds but he won't. I don't want a divorce but I want to be financially protected from his bad decisions, and if he has a wreck will I be liable since I know he needs his meds but isn't taking them? What are my options? Anyone know?
If he was diagnosed 7 years ago with MCI then he is well into dementia....what kind? A specialist will have to tell you that. I'm thinking frontal, one of the members whose spouse has it will tell if those are the symptoms.
What to do....get him back to a doctor and have him checked over....if he refuses to go then it's a call to the cops because he is driving while not taking his meds. A little wake up call by outsiders sometimes works...it did for hubby when he refused to go to respite and the nurse I was talking to on the phone said call the cops.....he got in the car.
Hid the cheque book and change passwords to bank accounts plus get a note from his doctor about his condition and go see the bank and ask what they can do to help you out. Thank goodness I handled the finances but if he did I sure would be in there doing what ever I had to do to protect myself. I/you will still have a life to live after this disease has run its course.
Go and talk to an elder lawyer....time to get all "your" paper work in order to keep you and him protected.
What about a call to the interfering ex and daughter and tell them that their advice not only endangers him but all the other people that are on the road when he is out there driving and how would they like it if someone hit them that shouldn't be driving because of a medical condition? Mostly butt out and mind their own business!
Most important....do NOT climb into bed and cover your head with the covers hoping this will all go away! It won't. You are now in charge, your relationship is not longer a partnership, I repeat you are now the one in charge and must now protect him from himself and see that he is getting the best care you can find and don't lose who you are while dealing/living with this disease.
Lessons I have learned while living with this disease.
You may want to distract him. Get involved with his insane plans as a way of delaying them. Say that he has to do various things before he can buy the house. That he has to register a nonprofit with the IRS (that can take quite a bit of time) and think of other barriers.
Correction - not all MCI turn to Alzheimer's or other dementias. But Amber is so right in taking control of the finances. See a lawyer, and call the police or have his doctor notify them. Yes, if he gets in an accident you could loose everything.
Amber has given you good advise. If he insist on going to another auction, offer to drive and get lost until well after the start of the auction. Then divert at the ice shop.
Charlotte - you are correct that not all MCI turns into Dementia but after reading what was posted his actions are of someone that is well along the dementia road...stage 5 maybe 6.
I am hoping that after 7yrs of diagnosis you have taken precautions and have your paperwork in order with a qualified elder law atty. if not that's the first step and is most important. updated wills, durable powers of atty for financial and healthcare are imperative. once you have the dpoa you can go to banks and change amounts of cash into a controlled acct and leave only what cash he can spend monthly. its the way most of us have had to protect ourselves if they go on rants about ludicrous idea as you described above. they can wipe you out in a small timeframe. some here didn't find out til the savings were wiped out. please get your ducks in a row asap or you wont be able to protect yourself from his lunacy as the disease advances. and yes if hes driving without meds and has an accident you can be held accountable esp if a MCI /dementia related incident or diagnosis has been entered in his medical records. that's your key to stop his driving.
JustThinking, Don't walk, run to an elder care attorney who can help you will all the issues you are facing now. This is NOT going to get better as the disease progresses. Amber has it spot on. Also, if he won't go to the doctor to get checked out and sort out the medications ( you can fib and tell him he might be right about this, lets confer with the doctor..or some such rationale) but if hubby refuses then call his doctor ( I hope you have that in order so you can talk to his doctor HIPPA ya know) and tell the doctor that he is driving yet not taking his meds...perhaps the doctor will notify the DMV and his lic will be revoked. He should not be driving anyway now..you are liable if he gets in an accident While MCI does not always progress to a dementia, in most cases it does. Oh and if your hubby ever hits you, do not wait, call the cops..do not make excuses for his behaviour. You may have to get a restraining order if his relatives are interfering. Look out for yourself.
JustThinking, All of the advice above is spot on and I encourage you to follow it - especially critical is getting all money into an account in your name only. The advice you were given about your liability if he gets into an accident after a diagnosis of dementia is spot on. You can lose everything because there will be no limit to your liability. I had his Neurologist write to the DMV to have his license rescinded. Once he got the official letter from the DMV, he stopped driving. Soon after, I sold both cars and bought just one so that he wouldn't have access to a vehicle anymore.
My comment is more to tell you that I remember and recognize how extremely difficult it is to step back and separate yourself from your husband in order to act in your own interests. Initially it seems like a betrayal of all you have together and I remember thinking that he's not that bad, I should be able to discuss with and explain this to him. It is so difficult to put up a barrier between you two; it is similar to walking away from a screaming toddler when you leave them at Daycare. But remember, their reasoning button is broken. Their judgement is also gone and they cannot process new information. They are very susceptible to scammers and even those with good (albeit misguided) intentions - i.e. his ex and daughter. We know a lot about this disease because we are in the trenches but the majority of people do not know anything and think they are helping.
Get to an attorney and get control of finances immediately. You don't have to tell him, just withdraw the money and put it in a separate account in your name only. As was said above, keep about $500 in the joint account so that he can spend some, but not all.
At this point in my husband's progression into the disease, I started telling him 'fiblets' all the time. I have no guilt for doing that. It saved a lot of arguments.
PS: I bought a daily pill box and filled the box at the beginning of the week and gave them to him each day. All meds were "for your heart". None were for Alzheimers or behaviors. He understood that we have to take care of our heart and never ever gave me a problem.
These next steps that you have to take are terrifying and heartbreaking but you are protecting both of you. Good luck.
Wow - how can it be that I know something but I don't know it?! I get so confused by his, apparently competent, behaviors in some areas, and then something like these two things happen and here I am feeling like I have vertigo. So a quick update so you will all know how much I appreciated your responses - I think you kept my head from blowing up with the stress in the last 2 days, but I've cried a lot. I do feel as though I'm betraying him just like Fiona68 said! I talked to his neurologist and his sleep specialist - neither of which will say he can't drive now (I think they are afraid of alienating him or, because he can present so well, they can't decide whether to believe me). So I told DH that if he wasn't on his Nuvigil, which keeps him alert/awake, I would turn him in to insurance company and police. He "says" he began taking it again - but I don't know what to believe. I scheduled us to see a couples' counselor this week and I want them to help me talk to DH about trust and managing meds to see if I can engage his cooperation for a little longer, and get him to agree in writing that I can administer his meds. He can be so reality-based and sane in the moment but then recall very little. I have an appointment with an elder law attorney (we have wills and health power of attorney already) to make sure I know what to do to protect myself and to find out about when/how to implement the durable power of attorney. DH is now saying he wants a new neurologist and he doesn't want me to know who it is or talk to the doc. I carry the insurance and pay the bills (although I did find some he'd squirreled away) so I will see where he's going and I will communicate my concerns to the doc if he really goes anywhere else. I probably sound like I'm still hoping for too much especially with couples' meeting this week, but he listens to men so I'm hoping. I don't want to lose my husband and that's the bottom line!!!!!!!!!! Oh great, I'm crying again. But I did hear you and I'm trying...
Before I knew I was dealing with a disease of the brain, I took DH twice to marriage counselors. I don't think either one of them had any idea they were 'counseling' with a diseased brain, they just knew it was a brick wall and told me to divorce him while I was still young enough and pretty enough to get another man. I didn't want a divorce either, I stuck it out & eventually learned about dementia & had 10 years of caregiving--no regrets. Seeing a counselor will help you feel you are doing something constructive, but unless they know about MCI and explain to you that YOU have to get control of the money, you have to stop explaining things to him and be in charge of EVERYTHING it won't help in the long term. There's no 'cooperation for a little longer' possible, it's all going to get worse, but, yes, at least get a male counselor. Getting something in writing from someone with MCI probably won't hold up. It is hard because they can be so reality-based. We know that, most don't, including some doctors.
I call it lying, others call it fiblets, but lying to someone with dementia is a kindness, the last thing they need is honesty. You should already be monitoring his taking meds, and as Fiona said, tell him it's for his heart or whatever works--I gave my DH his 'handsome' pills, our little joke. Just lie and divert his attention. I cannot challenge his doctors, but I question if he should be driving, meds or not. If you're uncomfortable about it, maybe you should call the police or insurance co. see what the elder law atty says. God knows, I didn't want to lose my DH, most of us understand that, and we understand how hard all of this is, sometimes it all comes down to doing the exact opposite of how we've been living our lives. But the people here have been in your shoes, they will give you the best advice, but for now, I think you have to understand that your DH's brain is diseased, it's not working properly, arguing, explaining, pleading--may be a momentary fix, but you have to act for the long term. Just stay here, like everyone else, the support will help you, you are not alone--and we've all cried and that's good, too.
Justthinking - I'm sorry I came across harsh but that it what it took for me, by his doctor, to wake up and get with reality.
If you have POAs then as soon as they are signed they come into effect. Him going to a doctor but you're not allow....not! You have to know everything so you can figure what the next step you have to take. You have to watch them like a hawk when they're at this stage....they are in denial that anything is wrong with them.....and can get themselves and you in a lot of trouble. I believe he is well pass MCI and you really need to get him in to be re-evaluated. Try to find a geriatric psychiatrist not a neurologist, they're better at doing a diagnosis and telling you what are the best meds for him and what you need to do.
Also his meds I administered them into a weekly pill box and then I would put them at his plate and watch him take them in front of me.
In the beginning I gave hubby literature about dementia and Alzhiemers for him to read or I read it to him and said "this sucks but it is what it is so please help me help you along this disease" "I love you but we have to change the way we are doing things". Whether he understands or not will depend how far along this disease he is.
After my wife had a TBI we went to a counselor who specialized in couples where one partner had brain damage. It helped me, my wife thought it was a waste of time. So do look for a counselor who specializes in our problems, they do exist out there. But don't expect your spouse to react in a positive manner.
I thought I would update you all who gave me such good advice. I've seen an attorney but in spite of what I was told when I was referred to him, I don't think he was an elder law attorney but he gave me info. I don't think anyone will be surprised to hear that he said I was liable for real damages, compensatory damages, and punitive damages in case of an accident. He also said that our local judge has become very conservative in his judgements and based on what I was saying DH's license couldn't be removed, nor could I become financial conservator yet. He said it is imperative that I see DH taking his medication every day, keep a record of it, and be prepared for rejection and resentment. He said I had done right in threatening to report him to DMV and insurance. he said to purchase an umbrella insurance policy that will pay beyond our regular homeowners and auto coverage in case of any home or auto incidents caused by DH. He also said to see if DH would transfer the home into my name only, get the bank to require two signatures on any check over x amount like some businesses do, and to put DH's car in his name only as major liability follows title. He also said the wills we had no longer meet state requirements and would not go smoothly in probate so I have to try to get DH to cooperate with that again. He said I shouldn't tell DH everything I know about our finances, etc., and to get more support for myself. Since DH had told me he would divorce me if I told anyone about our situation I have been quite isolated except for a couple of very close friends and my sister. I'm also to move more of our money into an account in my name only which I've done some already. He said the only certain way to protect myself financially is to divorce DH and "shack up". I do have the names of two certified elder law attorneys and will see one of them before I would consider anything like that - plus DH is too present and he talks frequently about being scared I'm going to leave him so I don't want to divorce him. That WOULD break me. Surely we can get the finances "safe enough".
We did go to the couples' counselor - probably the best benefit so far has been the feeling I get when I see the counselor's expression in response to some of what DH says. And he stops DH from raising his voice and insulting me when I'm trying to talk to him, and he helps him to stay focused and express himself so I think DH feels more heard and understood, although i don't know how long that will last. But today I feel a little better. I told DH a lawyer told me I would have to see him take his Nuvigil from now on if he wants to drive and he didn't explode. We'll see what happens tomorrow...and next week. Thank you so much for your help and encouragement :) I'm hanging on and, JustThinking
JustThinking: Although my husband is in full blown Alzheimers, he was very good at fooling other people on how well he was doing. When the neuologist told him he could no longer drive he walked out of her office and would not come back. She told me her only choice was to report him to DMV. I asked that she do that and DH subsequently received a certified letter from the DMV requiring him to surrender his license. With lots of prayer and encouragement and telling him the police would come and get him if he didn't surrender the license, he FINALLY did.
It is extremely hard to go from the wife with a normal husband to a caregiver of a man whose brain is slowly being destroyed, but you must assume the dominant role. Keep telling yourself it is the disease, not your husband. Hang in there and know that there is much support to be found in this caring web community.
yes, go see the elder attorney. Divorcing and then 'shacking up' won't solve much. If you have to qualify for medicaid they won't care if it happened I think within the last 5 years.
As for the wills just explain they need to be updated to pass current state laws. You also need to have DPOA - do it for both so he can't argue.
I agree with Charlotte, go see the elder law atty because (s)he will have some other legal recommendations to protect your assets. I was advised that even if I divorced him but still lived with him and took care of him that if he ever went on Medicaid, that the govt would consider it Medicaid fraud and sue me/us for whatever they had paid out for his care. so "shaking up" will most likely not be a good way to protect you financially.
The neurologist also wrote to the DMV reporting that my husband had "pre-senile dementia" and could no longer drive. DMV wrote letter suspending his license and requiring him to surrender it. It's my understanding that doctors are required by law to report to DMV if there's a dx of dementia. My husband was never even offered to take a driving test to make sure he would/would not be competent driving.
There are only six states I can find that require any kind of reporting of dementia. Some point blank take the license away, others give them a chance to take a test to prove they can still drive safely.
I don't know how current the article is but it list what states at that time. I imagine as more people with dementia cause accidents and deaths (like driving into crowds) more states will require it. Always best to call the DMV to verify if they are required or not.
New Jersey
New Jersey statutes require all physicians to report to the DMV any patients who experience a recurrent loss of consciousness, but the regulations do not specifically mention individuals with dementia. The license of the reported driver is then scheduled to be revoked, but that driver may request due process in an administrative court. While the physician is provided with legal immunity, the State offers no legal protection or anonymity to other reporters. The police, family members, other DMVs, and courts may also report unsafe drivers, but the report must be signed and anonymity is not protected.
I know in my state dementia is not reportable - only diseases that cause one to lose consciousness are reportable and then only if the person lost consciousness in the last 6 months. So the law doesn't help me here...
States whose licensing laws specifically mention Alzheimer’s disease include California and Pennsylvania. Oregon’s laws refer to individuals with cognitive impairments while Florida, Georgia, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Nebraska, Nevada, North Dakota, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Utah, Virginia, and the District of Columbia all reference the need to monitor people with mental disease or impairment. All these descriptions could be applied to the individual with dementia. A report submitted by a health care professional or concerned citizen to the DMV in these States would most likely require review and, in some instances, could be heard by the State Medical Advisory Board.
above from the The Alzheimer’s Association Public Policy Division and The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
This is the page I found the report on: http://www.nhtsa.gov/search?q=dementia&x=0&y=0
this is a good article about how and when the driving should be handled. several other articles at the bottom referenced are good as well. each states DMV has a website that can address the issues of cognitive issues with regards to driving. usually once one has been diagnosed medically, they should have to assess their driving skills with an updated driving test done thru the DMV in their state and then have their driving monitored at intervals. the issues of whether the insurance coverages would continue or if cancellation would occur is a major factor and should be discussed with the carrier to see their guidelines as well.
Just today I was in a shop when a man came in asking for directions to an address. He was from out of town. Since the person he was going to see was in the the area, I said if you have the phone no why not call for directions, telling them where you are now? He said he did but the directions were not good..he had been going all over the place. Then this man just happened to say he had come at a doctor's request to test a patient of his regarding driving abilities...AD is suspected...So there are ways to get someone tested too with the help of a doctor's request.