Deb - if you can't start divorce until he is gone for one year can you get a legal separation? You don't want to be on the hook for any of his bills....and then put a notice in the paper stating that you are not longer responsible for any expenses or bills he has, in the state you are residing in and the state and city he is now residing in. God forbid the daughter gets him to take out charge cards and then charge them up. Right now you would be responsible to pay them.
No matter what you want to do please see a lawyer. The daughter might not just go after your husband's assets but also all of your. At one support group meeting someone was going through something similar, the stepchildren were suing to take over care for her husband, and the strongest recommendation was to change the locks on her doors ASAP since the stepchildren might have had keys to the house. At the very least you need to ensure that you get to keep what is yours.
Paulc, the manager of my apartment complex is going to change the locks, I just asked her to do that yesterday and they had already thought of it. I don't have any assets but...I didn't think about what Amber said about the credit cards!! So, since I can't get a legal divorce right now a legal separation would be enough to be able to put it in the newspaper that I am not responsible for anything they rack up financially? I am still working on getting a lawyer. Charlotte, I don't know if I told you or not but when he beat me up the first time, almost two years ago, I thought he didn't know what he had done because of the dementia so I purposely waited for about 3 weeks before I went into the livingroom and asked him who I was and he said I am his wife, I asked him what that meant and he said, "Well, you live with me." I said, "Do you know what you did 3 weeks ago?" He said, yes! I said, "Did you see me on the floor before you went back in your bedroom and he said yes. From then on I was done!!! I couldn't take anymore, I didn't care how sick he was. I felt like somehow, somewhere, in the back of his mind he meant to do that. I honestly thought he didn't remember what he had done, and when he said he did remember that just made a strong impression on me!
He is going to eventually do that with his daughter or a stranger one day. I tried to get him in a NH and no one would believe that he was bad enough but now if it happens to someone else they have to do something. I was married to an abusive man before so I am VERY sensitive to that!
Deb, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I do know part of dementia is lack of apathy. They usually all come to a point where they really do not care how they treat or hurt us, all they think about is themselves. I would see about a legal separation, which you can find the forms online and protect yourself from debts he runs up. Not just credit cards, but his apartment, doctors, at some point nursing home or assisted living, etc. The sooner you get that protection, the better.
As I said if you want to email me his name I can check periodically the Seattle area legal notices to see if any notices are posted. I have nothing much else to do but mess around online.
Deb - the notice in the newspaper is one of the things we do in Canada. I don't know what it's like in the states. You're the same age as me and I have step children that I've got legal protection so they can't screw with me. Too many working years ahead of us to be buried in someone else bills and having to pay them off.
Deb you have gotten excellent advise here. But it is up to YOU to ACT on it. At the very least you must protect yourself legally. You cannot sit around wondering what if. The pity party is over. You do not want him back, now PROTECT yourself. Seek out legal advise and sign some seperation or divorce papers no matter what else you do. They can clean you out finacially and legally. And yes please keep that diagnosis of yours to yourself. His daughter can certainly use that in her favor in a court of law. Please DO SOMETHING...senior legal aid is free legal aid that is avail for anyone over 60, it is avail in most states. Shoot go to the library and do some research you can go to the courthouse and get the necessary papers for legal seperation, fill them out right there and pay what ever the filing fee is. This will give you a little financial protect. Heck offer the lawyer your wedding ring as a retainer. Sorry I am straight to the point, but continuing to worry over this is doing you no good. And putting off changing those locks is truly not a smart move. the maint.man can change them in 15 mins, demand that it be done today not a month from today.
I still haven't found a lawyer that I can afford. All the lawyers that are able to do that are in the bigger city about 3 hours away from here. I don't understand why it is so hard to find one. I have a SSD lawyer that doesn't charge anything. Why can't I find a divorce lawyer to go pro bono? I am still going to try but I think his daughter has already. There was a package for me that was I was suppose to get that had postage due but all I got was a slip in the mail that said it was at the post office. I went to get it and they couldn't find it! They still can't find it! The date on it is Feb. 20th. Today is the 24th, they don't know where it is. WHAT A MESS!!!!!! I suspect that it is divorce paperwork because she knows that the only way she can control the finances is to divorce me before I divorce him. I don't know what to do, it is really driving me crazy!! I live in a really small town and the resources are limited.
I will keep everyone informed. Keep praying please!
If you do not sign for the package then you have not been served the papers. Do not sign for anything that you are not expecting. That will make her have to pay for a processor to come and serve you in person. Just saying... and yes still praying for you to find some peace.
Deb - what about the bus to the city? You have to be first to file to stay in control and I agree with shellseeker do not sign for the pkg. and if they can't find you they can't serve you. I've read that you can fill out and file your own separation papers by going to the court house and get help there. Please be proactive not reactive.
Community Resources •Legal Aide NM - www.nmlegalaid.org •New Mexico Family Legal Assistance Group - www.legalfacs.org •Enlace Comunitario - www.enlacenm.org •Senior Citizens Law Office - www.sclonm.org •Law Access New Mexico - www.lawhelp.org/Program/3577
Deb, these are a few of the non profits that refer pro bono family law to attys for consult. try to contact any or all and tell them your situation and ask if they can help you with a referral for pro bono divorce atty. they may not be in your city but can email forms for you to fill out and much of it can be done via computer and phone contact. best of luck. ps, I agree with the others I wouldn't sign for any packages until I consult with an atty in your state. divvi
I'm not giving advice; just speculating as I did shortly following your starting this topic.
If your husband and/or his agent- his daughter? with or without an attorney wants to petition for divorce or dissolution as it is called in Washington, you have to be served where you reside.
This can be done by mail, but has to be done by certified and/or registered mail. Whenever I've sent these types of mail through USPS they are paid for upon sending. So, for you to receive a "postage due" notice...well, it could be something different. I'm guessing you received a green notice, which would indicate what type of mailing. Letter or parcel would seem more likely than package. Also, that form should indicate the origination of the mailing, at least by zip code.
It is my understanding that if you do nothing regarding accepting service, whether it is through the above or another avenue, such as process server, a default judgment can be entered. If you own property your address or the property location can be easily discovered whether or not you share this information with your husband's daughter.
Newspaper notification is another issue. Generally it is pretty ambiguous what kind of newspaper qualifies for this, it could be anything from your daily, to one that serves a statewide population or sometimes even free circulars such as those available in markets and libraries. Sometimes anything that has a "legal notices" section will suffice.
Again, I don't know the legalities, but in NM, I think grounds include abandonment, although most don't file on that basis. Does your husband still have NM residency? There is a potential issue called "constructive desertion", sometimes "constructive abandonment". Basically, that the respondent spouse created or complied in a situation that forced the other spouse to leave.
I join those here concerned for you. You need legal advice specific to your situation and locale.
Another thing I wanted to mention that I think has been addressed here: not all communication with lawyers is confidential. Generally there has to be an established client relationship. To be careful, ask "is this communication privileged?"
Well!!!! I still don't know what to do. Maybe it is because I don't care or maybe it is because I do care. If I divorce him I will get 500 dollars a month, which is half of what he makes. If he divorces me I will still get money but just not half. I still think of my H as a human being that is sick and will need to be taken care of and he won't be able to do that on only 600 dollars a month.
I still don't know if it was his idea to leave and he initiated the help to leave or he left because others talked him into it. Half of me wants to get him for everything he's got for leaving me after everything I have done for him but the other half of me doesn't want to hurt him because he doesn't know any better. This is not a normal situation. Then there is the moral concept of the whole thing. I know the daughter is not thinking that way and I need to protect myself from that but to what extent? I am not sure how far to take that.
deb, follow your heart and you wont go wrong. Life can be complicated and choices we make aren't always easy. You are still young and can make a new life for yourself. I'll be praying for you to make the right decision for your peace of mind.
Deb, I wanted to comment on what you said about you getting $500 and your DH getting $600. You mentioned that your $500 is half of his money. It sounds like you are talking about getting half of his social security check amount, if you divorce. I just want to clarify, if this is what you are talking about, that by you getting half of his SS check amount does not decrease his SS check amount. He still gets the entire amount that he is qualified for. I wanted to touch on this because you seem to be indicating that it will decrease his monthly income, if you take half of his money.
I hope that I have interpreted this correctly.
Others of you out there who have more information about this topic, please "jump" in here.
Mary, that would only work if I was 62 years old. I am 56 years old. I think that is the biggest draw back to being 19 years younger than your spouse. If I could warn anyone about marriage that would be a big one! No one warned me about that, they never even mentioned money at all. Money is very important and needs to be considered. Bama, my heart is torn big time and I think that is the reason why I haven't been able to do anything yet. I don't want to make a mistake! Money wise I am thinking of a legal separation instead of divorce but in my book there isn't much difference between the two. My depression and panic attacks are so overwhelming that I just feel like a paralyzed animal. All I seem to be able to do is pray.
I am going to be getting (I hope) a new psychiatrist that can prescribe medication because the medication I was taking is not working anymore. I am still on them but it is just not enough anymore.
Deb, I believe you can probably find all the documents that you need online and do the paperwork yourself. Have you contacted the AD Association hotline and asked for some advice about getting legal help? Instead of wringing your hands right now, I propose that you do some research, download the proper documents, and get started with the legal separation. Then you can work out the rest of what's going on after you get yourself protected.
Btw, what kind of church do you attend, if you don't mind me asking. Sounds like a male-oriented institution that I would probably be leaving behind if I were you. Maybe I'm wrong. If I am, a nurturing church home is invaluable. So sorry you're going through all this.
Here's the thing. You only have so much energy. Panic attacks and worry use up a lot of it but don't accomplish anything. We have all dealt with the pit 'o the stomach panic and its paralyzing effect. One of the ways of dealing with anxiety is to have and execute a plan.
You have been given lots of good advice here. Now, today and right now, why don't you start at the beginning of this thread and make a list of all of the suggestions that have been made. Note the ones that have been made multiple times.
Then do, actually do, one or two things on that list every day. For example, today you could make the list and download the legal documents and start to read them. Tomorrow you could fill them out and start contacting the pro bono legal aid that was mentioned in one of the comments.
This is how, one step at a time, complex and overwhelming situations can be dealt with. Many on this site have taken time to respond and offer their own research for you, and what a gift that is. Think about it - all of this free "been there, done that" advice. Truly a gift.
If you have trouble just getting started, 1) start to make lists, and 2) only allow yourself to think about the anxiety for, say 10 minutes at 9 pm. If you start to think anxious, remind yourself that you have time set aside for that at 9 pm, but right now you have to make a list, download documents, make some calls, etc. At 9 pm, set the timer for ten minutes and allow yourself to think about the anxiety of the situation. Chances are it will be diminished.
Here's a little nudge. You can do it because you have to do it.
Deb, Marche has offered some good suggestions to get things started, which you really have to do. Yes, of course you have mixed feelings and it is so overwhelming but you must take one step at a time and start working on protecting yourself. And only you can do it. Your life will be much worse if you find yourself without any money or resources and trying to get it after the fact is expensive and often times impossible. So please get started.
Deb, I am so sorry for what you are going through. If you think something illegal has gone on you should go to your DA or prosceuting attorney in your county and tell them your story. There may be help for you there and it usually shouldn't cost you anything. It sounds to me like this would get you started on a solution. My daughter is a proscecutor and they would at least listen to you and know if there is a legal problem with what has happened. Good luck.
deb, I am a member of the panic attacks club. I now have panic attacks when I think about going somewhere! I did a paper route and drove for three to four hours a day for 32 years. Storms, ice, snow and floods. No panic attacks then. They are just part of the stress we endure in this process. I may stress about going somewhere new, but it does not stop me.
You CAN do this!!! I am a list maker, Marche is right make a list and do one thing a day. Give yourself a deadline, you need to be proactive in this. You need to protect yourself.
Please, please, please do what Marche said, you need to do it for you.
I’ve been reading this thread, and, deb, hope it can help you overcome the paralysis that keeps you from moving forward. Sounds like you are torn to pieces trying to make the ‘right’ decision.
I feel that the folks on this thread have, as marche mentioned, given you such a gift. I hope it helps you, as it has given me a way forward. My situation is different from yours, but I’ve also felt trapped. I love my husband, and have felt his confusion and pain just as deeply, I think, as he has. It tears me to pieces when he, a man who was so in control of himself, now cries when I come, keeps saying (in very fractured language) that our life, living together, is now over, how much he cares, and is so sad when I leave. I feel that I cannot leave him in such pain, and have taken marche’s advice.
He was in respite at one facility for 6 days, and then transferred to another for 6 days. This latest place has been particularly caring, but the adjustment has been hard on him.
He was today accepted into LTC at the 1st place, but before he can get into that LTC he has to go, for 3-6 months, into their ‘waiting’ facility, which is more crowded and an older building. The facility doctor oversees both the older and newer facilities, and does not believe that my husband should have something to help him adjust; that he should just be monitored. (I’ve checked the ‘rate your MDs’, and his rating is not so great.) But my DH is 87, very depressed, and in such emotional pain.
Because of marche’s advice, I’ve made a list. On top of that list is an appointment with his regular family doctor, who, I believe, will prescribe something to help him through this upheaval (Atavan?) before his transfer. If my DH gets the prescription before entering the facility, hopefully the facility doctor will accept this (Atavan?) and it will help us through.
Deb, these folks here are SO trying to help you. You know that they care about what is happening to you.
Thank you, marche, for the advice, and all the best to you, Deb in your difficult situation.
Joang, I have been trying to divert, distract during my whole visit today. It has not been working today, but will keep trying.
Hi Deb, what's happening? Were you able to find legal counsel? Here's hoping your situation is improving and you have finally been able to find some resources to help you out. We're all concerned about you.
Lfl, I still feel strongly that I should wait until May to give the daughter the benefit of the doubt. I know that most of you don't understand that and I have looked into legal advice. For legal separation I need to know his address and I don't have that all I have is the daughters last known address. To get a legal divorce would cost me too much money even if I did it myself. I have strong faith in the fact that marriage is for ever and I will do everything I can first before I go with divorce. I still would rather he file for divorce instead of me not because of money but because of my faith.
My landlady is going to call my step daughter to tell her that I need to requalify for this apartment and I will need that income promised NOW not in May! I told her that she is a bitch so you are going to have to be one too in order to get any results.
I am still getting word from my lawyer that my SSD is coming along just fine and I should be hearing from them in the next 3 months. She, of course, is pretty sure of things because that's how they get paid. Anyway, that is what has been going on with me.
Just to let you know that I am still going to follow your advice in May if I have too. I do not feel as paralysied has I did because I still have options. I just want the last option to be divorce.
I have my ups and downs just like all of us but I do feel less stressed and I think it is because I firmly decided what to do and my conscience is good with it. I hate how all of this has turned out but I know that divorce among married people is always a possibility and if one wants it there is nothing the other can do about it. I was caregiver to a man for almost 6 years who was slowly declining from dementia and he "somehow" was able to make a decision either on his own or with the help of someone else to leave me. Go figure! I will probably NEVER understand why or how it happened. I thought he was too sick to do this. Obviously not!!!
Well, now I am stressed again but it is because my son talked to me for about 3 hours yesterday. He really REALLY wants me to get a divorce now! He said that the Washington law in saw on Washingtonlawhelp.org, if he is a resident and files for divorce I may not even get any support and not only that but I may end up paying him because he is sick. Anyone who lives in Washington within the sound of my voice, LOL, chime in if you know whether this is true or not. The bottom line is if this is only part true I need to act now. So (drum roll please) I am going to start divorce tomorrow or as soon as I can depending on if they want money to start off with.
I would still like to wait until May and have him do it instead but I am quickly finding out that I am going to have to protect myself. I know that all of you tried to get me to do it before and I am sorry that I didn't listen. I had "What looks better" in mind but that is beside the point.
It is difficult not to be emotionally affected. You're caught among marriage, illness and financial issues. I can understand why a part of you wants to wait.
Having said that, I hope the part of you that wants to protect yourself will prevail. I'm not familiar with Washington law and only know what I've posted earlier on your topic.
It may very well be that someone on the forum knows and can advise you regarding the specifics of your situation. But in the meantime, any lawyer in your state can probably pretty easily tell you what is what in another state. Maybe looking at it from the perspective of gathering information rather than starting or filing for divorce might help?
If you start diverse proceedings you can always decide at some point not to continue with them. Starting a divorce might give you the leverage to get your husband to move back home with you (if that is what you want).
Washington things are pretty much split down the middle. Also, the spouse usually gets no support after divorce although there could be circumstances that can make it possible. Even getting child support is hard. Washington does have a policy it will not make a non-custodial parent pay child support if they are below the poverty level. I would not be surprised if that applies to divorce too. But, you might be able to get some support if you have none. But I would not count on it. Whatever you need to get your own attorney to protect you especially since he is in another state and who knows what they would tell the courts.
This is what that section of the law says about it:
How does the court decide what is a just and equitable division of property and debts? How much property the court awards to each party, and who is ordered to pay what debts, will depend on a number of factors.
The main factor that a court will consider is in what type of financial condition the division of property and debts will leave each party in after dissolution.[33] The court generally will not want to leave one party extremely wealthy and the other poor.[34] The court will consider issues such as each party's age, health, education, and prospects for employment.
Example: in a long-term marriage or domestic partnership in which one party has not worked much outside the home, the court is more likely to award that party more of the community property (or long-term maintenance) to make sure that party does not end up much poorer than the other party.[35]
Another example: if one party is disabled and will not be able to work, the court may award the disabled party more of the community property.[36]
Another: the court may consider which party will be able to afford to pay the debts after dissolution when deciding who must pay them.[37]
In most cases, the court will award each party his/her separate property and order each party to pay his/her separate debts. The court will award one party's separate property or separate debts to the other only in very unusual circumstances.[38]
There is always the chance that if he files for divorce he will agree to give you a certain amount of money every month. Whatever his daughter tells you, I would get it in a signed, notarized document.
I was reading more on Washington law and from my understanding the courts will not make decisions like support, etc. if the other spouse does not live in Washington because they have no jurisdiction unless that spouse has lived in Washington in the past.
As said, an attorney is you best source of information. This site may give you the information and it is free: http://www.lawyers.com/ask-a-lawyer/ask-a-question.html
And it occurred to me that it the divorce proceedings occur in Washington then you will probably need a Washignton state lawyer. You want someone who passed the Washignton State bar and who is familiar with the local courts.
So it is a major disadvantage to you if your husband (or his daughter) starts divorce proceedings in Washington. They would have the home court advantage.
In addition to what has been mentioned above, Washington has, as I understand it, a very loose interpretation of residency requirements. Has your husband established residency by getting a drivers license, registering to vote or having utilities in his name? If he is a sole or joint owner of property in New Mexico there may be an issue of residency vs domicile to consider.
While Washington has lawyer reciprocity with a number of other states, New Mexico has reciprocity with no other states. I took a look at justia.com and there are some NM lawyers listed who offer free consultation in family law matters. I'm not familiar with your specific location and wonder if the listings on that web site might be helpful to you.
deb, I get it...betrayal, years of caregiving, abuse, anger, marital vows, avoidance, depression, etc. there's no miracle going to happen for you. Evaluate your options, find resources and make a decision about what you need/want to do. Inaction hurts you and your future. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, I truly understand how difficult this is for you emotionally. It's clear your husband's family and friends have a plan and if you don't do anything to protect yourself, then you will lose and be destitute. It seems to me they have this planned and expect you to not challenge them. I'm no lawyer but I am a very focused person who knows a lot about laws and has time to research possible resources, connections, etc. to help you. I asked joan to send you my email so I can help and you didn't respond. Only you can decide what help you need. I respect that your choice is not to respond to me but get help for yourself. It doesn't have to be me but you need someone, especially a lawyer.
We all love you Abby! And I send accolades and many blessings to you! You have given so much good and kind advice over time and shared your own, very private pain and suffering to help others. Many of us here are quite "crackers" and may say (or not say) the wrong thing at times. I know that I will never be right again so please don't be offended, just know that you truly are appreciated. XX
Abby*, chopped liver you say? I say kind, caring, wise and unselfish. You know I've always been a big fan of yours and I am continually amazed by your willingness to share your very personal and painful journey and experience. Yes, you've given Deb very good advice with a significantly softer touch than mine which I admire. I am very concerned that deb will end up without anything due to her inaction and it would hurt me and I know others if that should happen. Like all of us, she's been through so much, I hate to see her end up destitute.
To all of you who have offered such wise and heartfelt advice, just know that others are benefiting as much as the intended. Abby*, you are not chopped liver to any of us. LFL just spoke to our frustration (edit to add) and the urgency of the situation.
There is a wonderful song that Don McLean recorded some time ago called "You Can't Blame the Wreck on the Train." The refrain goes something like this: "When the gates are all down, And the signals are flashin' and the whistle is blowin' in vain, And you stay on the tracks, Ignoring the facts, Well, you can't blame the wreck on the train."
See you can YouTube it or something because the melody is so catching that you will find yourself singing it. It has been my theme song through some rather dark times and I did feel like Pauline tied to the tracks, watching the train coming, only there was no one to save me except myself.
Thank you Wolf! I do feel like a wreck but I THINK I am straightening up the train. I have an appt. tomorrow with a lawyer and I am going to have to get a divorce even though I didn't want to. All the people here have been very understanding and patient but I had to (I guess) figure this out myself. Even though divorced I will not receive his pension like everyone here where I live is concerned about that is a few years from now and I need to do something NOW. I don't like it because I think that is what the daughter is wanting me to do but now I am looking at being kicked out of my apartment because I don't have proof of income by the end of this month.
There is another apartment complex I can go to but it is not a very safe area so I just hope that I can stay here. Anyway, I want to say that it is not that I didn't want to take any ones advice but it was that I didn't want to make a mistake and so I wasn't doing anything. Well, that is quickly being shown to me that I can't do that. This is a very scary prospect. There is also the stigma of divorcing a sick person, not every one is going to agree with my decision. I would not wish this decision on any other person and I would hope that they would think hard about what they are doing instead of just acting without thinking. I know that is not what you were trying to get me to do but I can only walk through open doors and if they close they close.
Deb, you getting a LEGAL divorce, not an emotional divorce. You are not divorcing him because he is sick. There is a big difference. If anyone does not understand that, the it is their problem not yours. This affects you in a very important way. What your friends and neighbors think of it is of no importance. They should be supporting you not critizing you on this decision. Do what you have to do to keep your apartment (moving is expensive) and your financial support. I am sorry that you are going thru this.
Deb, I am glad you're doing something. The advice I gave and I believe the others gave was for you to understand your options, rather than let your step-daughter make the decisions for you. If divorce is the best option, then it is the best option. I agree with shellseeker, you're getting a legal divorce, not an emotional one and it's nobody's business but yours.
Please when you speak with the attorney ask about getting a QDRO (qualified domestic relations order). This is a legal way to get a portion of his pension and/or savings as part of the divorce settlement which will provide you with some income. You must do this as part of the settlement, not after. So please ask the attorney about this.
I know this is a difficult time for you and I'm sending support and (((HUGS))).
An update on the divorce front is that legal aid said that they will help me with the paperwork and answer my questions from a lawyer but they won't represent me in court I have to do that myself. I was sweating how I was going to afford changing my name and while filling out the paperwork they asked me if I wanted to change my name and I felt like saying yes yes yes!!! But I only said it once and then they asked me what I wanted to change it too and I gave them my maiden name McCarty(100% irish) They have been doing things illegal I just know it but I can't prove it and I don't want to be associated with that Hodges name anymore.
Deb, thanks for the update, I am glad things are moving along. I never took my husband's last name because I didn't know who that person was or would be (we were both established working professionals). I've never regretted being who I was born to be and keeping my own name. Good for you, Deb McCarty!