And just like our 20th anniversary last June. And my birthday next month and HIS in April. Bless their sweet little hearts. Mine never forgot those dates before AD. He was always a very giving person.
We started as a couple by exchanging valentines on Feb 14 1969 in our senior year. Her's said "you score high with me" and mine said "you're just my speed".
I thought recently about it. 36 years of a really fine relationship. 9 years of going through this disease with her so far. And then you're on your own in the 'golden years'. Yes or no?
I actually made that decision. I got a letter shortly before I was to be married in 1970 from the girl I had a strong attraction to from the second I saw her in grade 9. She was so pretty she was miss grade everything and dated all the top boys. I wrote her a poem in grade 10 and she was a cheerleader throughout when I played basketball on the school team. I've never mentioned her and I had filed her into 'unobtainable'. I can tell you how I felt about her. I felt that if I had her I would be willing to do a lot in life. She must have asked a friend for my address. The letter confessed her feelings and asked me to please come to Carleton University in Ottawa for the weekend.
I cannot describe to you how much I wanted this. How many hours I had fantasized about our lives together. How much I reacted to her letter screaming to the heavens. I knew that if I got in that car I would be given the thing in life I wanted more then any first love or any other love. I had a lot of girls looking up at me in high school to be honest but only one made me completely melt every time and she sought me out to tell me she her own feelings and asking me to come for the weekend.
I never answered. I was engaged. And honour is honour. You can't rent that stuff. I don't regret the choice I made or the road I didn't take. But I know how that scene would have played out. I wouldn't even have let her talk. I would simply have kissed her and started our lives together.
But I married the little red headed girl and the letter was just a letter. I told Dianne every story I think over the years. I really believe she knew everything about me even the Joanne dreams I was having where she knew my first love too. This story I just told you I never told her. That door I didn't take hurts and is too near to this very day.
People tell me their stories even when they don't mean to. I always know there is more. Life is a rich experience. It holds such incredible depths of pain and such joyous moments in a single bouquet where the blooms are all the indelible memories of what you are so far.
Happy Valentine's ladies. Happy Valentine's Dianne. Happy Valentine's day everyone. May you find one happy memory that goes in your bouquet. I don't care whether you're a grizzled lady wrestler from Boise. Everybody has feelings. Finding one happy memory to remember wouldn't hurt anyone.
It is just another day of heartbreak, only there are red paper heart reminders and kissy-faces everywhere to rub it in, and it does sting.
I have a serious urge to get a puppy. We, no I, have two dogs already. Puppies are a lot of trouble and these guys are settled and have a routine. But I feel a need to have happy, slobbering, galloping, adoring chaos in order to feel alive again. Then again, maybe this is just another reach in the dark to find what is forever lost. At any rate, I've just spent two hours looking at puppies and trying to dream my heart back into life.
Ok Wolf. I've taken your challenge of finding one happy memory to put in my bouquet this Valentine's Day. That memory is this: My sweet man was very canny. He was not one to buy me flowers because, he used to say, "if you buy them once and don't continue you're in trouble. If you don't' buy them regularly, but come home with some, you might be accused of doing something which requires an apology". Personally, I think that he thought it was just too much trouble and $$ for a bunch of flowers that died 3 days later. I didn't care one way or the other, I just laughed at his reasoning.
Then I had to have surgery. We hadn't talked too much about it but a couple of days before the surgery someone else asked me if I was nervous or scared. I told them that I was a little scared of the unknown of this surgery. My DH heard but didn't say anything. The next day, however, (the day before the surgery) I received a bouquet of 2 dozen long stemmed red roses at my office. The card simply said that he loved me. When this wonderful man wanted to make a statement - he made a BIG statement. As Valentine's day nears, I'm going to try to switch some of the pangs of grief to some sweet memories of some of our best moments.
My Valentine last year, my last one from my hubby, was no bigger than a postage stamp. He forgot it was Valentine's Day and when the kids sent one, he clipped the little heart from the outside of the envelope and wrote on it and signed and dated it.......
What will I do on Valentine's Day? I am not sure yet but I have sent out Valentines to people far away with a letter in it, especially those who are older folks and of course the kids...I have a Valentine card in which I will scribble a note in it about what has been going on and put it with my DH's sympathy cards etc...
My DH always bought me something for Valentine's Day and we always went out to have a "romantic" dinner (not possible when everyone else is out too!). I have 2 precious items from Valentine days past which I cherish. The first is a stuffed small red devil with a heart in his hands that says "I love you". He gave it to me the first Valentine's Day after we were married. You know the kind....a small stuffed animal that you can get in a drugstore. We named it "Barnaby" and he sat prominently on top of my dresser for years.
The other is a realistic looking penguin with a red bowtie. We happened to be going by a florist display a few days before V-day and I said, instead of flowers you can get me that penguin...I'll always have it to remember you by, the flowers will just die. Well on Valentine's day he came home with a long white box with a beautiful red bow. I said thank you for the flowers with a tinge of disappointment in my voice. He told me he went back to get the penguin but it had been sold. I kissed him lovingly and said it was ok, the flowers will be beautiful on the dining table. I opened the box and to my surprise it was the penguin, not flowers! He laughed and hugged me and told me he had gone back to the florist the same day to make sure no one else bought the penguin. To this day the penguin sits on my side board in the dining room and has done a lot of celebrating with us.
So Wolf, thanks for your encouragement, I've added 2 happy memories (although bittersweet) to my Valentine's bouquet. I guess I should dust off the penguin and invite him to dinner this V-day.
I just added a new memory to my Valentine's bouquet...my husband just said in a very clear voice "You're the BEST" and hugged my shoulders. WOW! His speech has been very garbled the past 2 months. What a treasure!
This is another one of those "tough" days for us still in the ranks as CG"s just as it is for you all that have already lost your LO"S. While we still have our LO's with us it is far from the way we all remember... Now instead of planning a romantic dinner out, we have to make sure were we go will be convenient to the restrooms not too over crowded so LO does not get too confused. Wait I was supposed to add a HAPPY memory...... My Paul and I were married very young and never had much money but he always managed to get me a card and promised that one day he would buy me a diamond ring for Valentine's day.(I did not get one before we married) Years went on and I had forgotten that promise about Someday on Valentine's DAY.. Somewhere near our 25th year of marriage, we were out to dinner on VD and Paul pulled a little box from his pocket and said"sorry it has taken so long" inside was a diamond ring not large but non the less a diamond!!! He kept that promise !!!!!!!! I miss the wonderful loving man that I have been married to for 47 years but I am more fortunate than some because he is still with me --even though now he is more child than husband. Sometimes memories are all that get us thorough the days!!! Love to you all ......
Speaking of Valentine's Day past..the first Valentine gift from Ozzie was a card with a box of chocolates in a heart shaped box with lace and a rose in the center..I still have the candy box and every Valentine he ever gave me...in fact I have every card for my birthday, anniversary,etc he ever gave me! What a treasure trove I have.
everything we got from our spouses pre AD becomes a treasure in the end. Valentines is very hard for most of us, whether our spouses are with us or not. couples, lovers, being part of a twosome. its all very sad to remember isn't it. on the good note, it gives us a great opportunity to endulge in some much needed comfort chocolate:)
I am with you divvi with some great dark comfort chocolate! I have said it before and will again. I would not be making it in this journey if it wasn't for all of you. All postings are so fabulous and the ones on "special days" a life line. I don't think I would have made it through Christmas without the lodge. We can all be together virtually on Friday as we share our hearts in understanding of this terrible disease and the impact on us. A beautiful memory for my valentine bouquet was my husband making sure I was well covered with blankets before he left the bed on a cold winter morning. He kissed me and told me to stay warm until he got the coffee and fire on. He would come back to the bedroom telling me he had the place all warm and would greet me with coffee and a blanket as I arrived at my chair. Sweet! Wolf maybe you should look up that cheerleader. Maybe she is alone now. Many hugs and blessings to all of you.
Every day without Lloyd is torture. Valentine's Day is the worst of all. It was our day and nobody else's. I still have every Valentine he ever bought me. I still have the leather coat (worn out like us) that he bought our first Valentine's Day. I still have the red ruby heart shaped earrings that I never wore because I was afraid I would lose one. I still have a ring from last year that, as sick as he was, he gave his nod of approval. Four days later, he was gone...forever. I lost him. Life as I knew it is over.
I posted this on Oct 26th 2009 and it is my best last memory and it is what I will think about.
It took a few days of preparation but I was able to take Kathryn to Maggiano’s for her birthday.
I asked her sister to take her out shopping for an outfit the day before because I had to go to work. Her sister and her daughter picked Kathryn up around 9:30am on Saturday and headed out to dinner and a day of shopping. I gave Kathryn $200.00 and a kiss and told her to have a good time and if she needed me that I would have my cell phone and that she could call me anytime she wanted to.
When I got home later that night I asked her how her day was and she proceeded to tell me how wonderful a time she had. When I asked her where she ate she couldn’t remember but assured me she had the most wonderful meal (Chic-fil-a).
She got two outfits, a pair of shoes and some dish towels (wasn’t really sure why she got the dish towels other than she liked them). I talked to her sister later the next day and she told me she was really surprised how bad Kathryn was. I asked her what happened and she told me when Kathryn was checking out she gave them the outfits and the shoes but would not give them the dish towels. Her sister had to convince her it was ok that they would give them back. Her sister told me she finally let them ring them up but did not take her eyes off of them while they did and insisted in carrying the bag once they were done and carried it with her the rest of the day. She carried it to lunch and everywhere they went. She even carried it into other stores.
We went out to eat on Sunday evening with a group of nine and she had a great time. We all gave her the presents for her and she opened each one and cried each time. When she was done with her presents she said she had something for me and she handed me a shopping bag. I opened it and the dish towels were in it. She told me she got them for me while she was out shopping because it was my birthday too (mine is Nov. 26th) and she knew I needed them.
I can tell you right now. I will keep those dish towels forever.
The last Valentine's day card DH gave me was actually a Christmas card he found around the house somewhere. He crossed out "Merry Christmas" and wrote in "Happy Valentines' Day." In the old days before he got ditsy he would have gone out and purchased a nice card and very likely expensive perfume or a nice piece of jewelry. It isn't that I care about getting a gift, of course. (I can buy my own perfume and jewelry if I want it.) But as all of us know--it is that our old relationship is just gone. I'm his nurse's aide now, and that's about it. I did buy him a small card--not too ostentatious, so he won't feel bad that he did not get me one. And I will buy a nice box of chocolates, and joke with him that this is our Valentine's gift for each other…that we will hide it from the grandchildren..etc. He will eat most of it, but I will have a piece or two with him, and that will be our celebration.
He says " the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life" She says " I think so too" He says "So it was the luckiest day in your life too?" She says NO I didn't say that. I agree that it was the luckiest day in YOUR life!!!
I know that my DH won't remember that tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and that is okay. He rarely knows what day it is anymore.
I got him a card and some chocolates, and will place them next to his cereal bowl tomorrow morning, so that he will see them. The card has a couple of kids in their 1950's dress up clothes. The card says " My Husband, My love - I can't imagine loving anyone else as much as I love you - because you will always be the perfect man for me.
And he might think that the picture on the card is of himself and his first "summer love" and that's okay too. Because behind the Alzheimers I know that somewhere in there is the man I fell in love with and married, for better or for worse, 38 years ago.
Well, I got the small card and a single red rose for us. I didn't buy chocolate, as today was a major poop patrol experience. So much for romance--I was cleaning poop at 7am,off the floor, off the toilet, off the bathroom sink, etc., etc.; and thought that was the end of it--oh, no--there was more--at 11 am it wasn't just the Depends and the bed pad, it was the bottom sheet, the top sheet, the quilt, and the comforter cover…and the toilet, the bathroom sink, the floor…I cannot imagine how this man can get poop from one end of the bedroom and bathroom to the other. And it had to be on Valentine's day!
Jim, your beautiful story made me cry. I love when I get a glimpse of my "real" husband. I miss him so much and sometimes forget or overlook the old him as I get caught up in the care taking.
My DH, for years, sent a ‘Secret Admirer” Valentine Card to my sister who introduced us – it took her years to figure out who her secret admirer was; also a ‘Secret Admirer’ Valentine to our daughter, who, all the while, knew who had sent the card, and now appreciates the cards even more. They both miss their cards today.
My DH asked to buy me a card last week. This afternoon , he asked me to find it for him. After I found the card, I gave him the card, he wanted to surprise me. When I came back, he was still struggling to write it and said "I messed it up " shyly passing it to me. I told him I loved it and him as I held back my tears and smiled.
He no longer even tries to write my name. But he couldn't write his either. A bunch of letters scribbled with such Great difficulty. The pain I felt because he knew he couldn't do it. His explanation was "I don't know why I get so nervous".
Mourning tonight for what was. Scared of what we will lose next.
And the poop continues…maybe he has a little stomach bug or something. I changed the sheets twice last night, at 2:30 am and 4:30 am. As long as I was awake anyway, I vacuumed the den where he sits during the day--and makes a mess with crumbs, his toothpicks, spilled food or wadded tissues all over the place. Today there is beaucoup de laundry, of course. And I slept til almost 10am, which is unheard of. I find that looking back at the good years just makes me sad and frustrated. But the single red rose I bought looks nice on the dining room table, along with the card I bought, and a small, heart-shaped box of chocolate from my daughter.
With DH in ALF this year, VD became something to be endured, another obstacle to conquer. This year I couldn't pull out the mementos and memories of times past - it was just too painful. Surely there will be a time for that later, but not this year and maybe not for many years.
I woke up this morning with a sense of relief that all of the red "cupidy" decorations in the stores will disappear overnight and be replaced with spring/Easter promotions. Spring seems more suitable. The thought of rebirth and regeneration is hope and hope is the commodity that seems to be in short supply with AD. Crocuses and snowdrops, hellebores, dandelions and the delicious smell of thawing earth - these are the things that bring up love and hope for me and help me realize how insignificant in time and place we are in the bigger picture of the earth.
It is supposed to warm up next week and start melting these huge piles of snow and perhaps creating yet more problems. But if I smell the thawing earth for just a few days, I will know that this too will pass and the joy of spring (colors, sights, smells) is just around the corner.
I was trying hard not to think about valentine's day. We all know why.
It's not like nothing happened on Friday, though. I did get a phone call. The nursing home that I had put DH on the waiting list for—about 14 months ago—called to say that he was next on the list. Did I want the room? On valentine's day? I just couldn't do it.
Jan, are you sure? I know you've been caregiving for a long time. Here, if we say "no", we are put at the bottom of the list again. That could mean waiting for another 14 months.
JimB, Your story of the dish towels is so touching. You gave me an idea...to frame that postage size heart Ozzie cut out last Valentine's Day on which he wrote his sentiment. You lost your beloved wife just weeks before I lost my Ozzie.
It does make for very bittersweet Valentine's Days, Christmas Days, Thanksgiving Days, Birthdays and Anniversaries now....we celebrate our memories alone...
Jan, I was surprised to read of your decision although I completely understand. Surprised because I have been reading some of your past posts and actually signed onto the boards just now to try to get you a message to contact me. So, if you read this PLEASE EMAIL ME at eurekaterry@gmail.com. I would really like to talk with you.
In your posts of June 16, 2010 and I think Aug 27, 2010, you sounded so ready to start living your life before it was too late. you haven't posted in 3 days and I'm worrying about how you are doing with your decision and whether you changed your mind.
Maybe go back and read what you have written before to remind yourself how ou feel when not faced with a romantic holiday and overwhelmed by sentimentality. I have been so inspired by your courage in speaking up about having a life of our own and I so wanted to discuss this with you.
My great-granddaughter was born on Valentine's Day this year. She was due the 18th - the first anniversary (sounds weird, doesn't it?) of Lloyd's death. So, unwittingly, that tiny little baby has smoothed over what would have been 2 very hard days...my little circle of life.