Haven't been around for a while, hospitalized & surgery. D. was looked after by church friends & kids, but it sure makes what happens to me a lot more difficult for me! But I digress -- the doctor put D. on a higher dose of Exelon patch, to see if it helps with his focus, cognition, etc. The patch is larger than the previous one & the color of the box it comes in is a different color. He noticed that! He asked about it, I told him it was a higher dose of his medication & the reason why - to help him remember better, to help him focus instead of being confused. He told me that it was only because of what I had told the doctor. I think he totally blames me for this! He was always a "blamer", not sure why, but I suspect it's because he was blamed a lot by his siblings (I've also come to the conclusion that he might have been a brat!). It's so much a part of his personality I've gotten used to it & just blow it off. But it's still amazing to me that he could think that I'm responsible for his medical issues! Wow, I didn't know I had that kind of power! :)
Hi Mim My DH is always telling me that this is all my fault. It's the way I have treated him or it's what I have told the Dr. The way he behaves, if he is nasty, it's my fault. I am the cause of all if it. The fact that he has to live in LTC, my fault. If I treated him better he wouldn't have to live there. At first it really hurt and I would try to explain to him what was happening to him, but I don't do that anymore. It doesn't help. I just got a puppy and DH says I treat the dog better then him because the puppy lives with me and he can't. I can never share things with him now as he says if I didn't treat him so bad he could live at home like before. This is a terrible disease.
I guess I am lucky. My DH always said he was so sorry to put all this care on me, when he should be taking care of me,that it wasn't my fault.He would sometimes sob after he had been ugly to me.He always told everyone that I was taking such good care of him.I prayed every morning to to be able to care for him.
Same here. Always my fault. Is this a way for DH to cope with what must be a lot of frustration for him? I don't know. I do think sometimes that I probably only know a small, tiny amount of what's going on in his mind and what he's thinking.
My DH for the most part is nice and appreciative. Yesterday he had on three prs.of pants and argumentative about taking some off, because his undergarments needed chgd. In the middle of it he said, I'm so sorry you have to do everything.every now and then I get a glimpse of my former husband!
I get 'everything is my fault' from my daughter. Thankfully husband has not told me that. In fact, lately he thanks me which for me is hard since he never did it when he was healthy.
@ Charlotte When we were raising our kids, we had a rule that all decisions by the one in charge of the children had to be respected and supported by the other spouse. If they got to stay up, or eat cereal for dinner or wear bizarre clothes the rule was ALWAYS you said "Its very nice of you to take care of them by yourself" Tell your daughter that she cannot push your buttons. She can do it, she can help or she can get out of the way
However I fully accept that NOTHING is ever DW's fault. It's the disease. However I feel terrible when I make a mistake that somehow impacts on her. I check her pocketbook every day. I watch that she does not lose it.
My DH also takes out all frustration and anger by yelling at me. This morning circumstances have annoyed him. He spilled garbage and shortly after the kitchen cabinet door broke. All I had to do was come over to help and he screamed " you always have to expletive be in my business". He was so angry he was shaking his fists.
Sometimes, it's hard to remember there is no reasoning and you cannot even say"don't talk to me that way" because you know that will cause more anger or rage. So I walk away... And the pain of stresses felt in my chest, head, neck..
to clarify - my daughter blames me for her miserable life because she has made horrible decisions. But, she also says it is my fault her dad is sick - if I had been a better wife, not controlling like she thinks I was, I would not be stuck with caring for him. Her thinking makes no sense and I have blocked her from communicating with me in FB. He only option is email. When things go bad with her abusive boyfriend she will attack me. My life is much happier without her or my son in our lives.
So far my husband does not blame me and for that I am thankful.
Oh Charlotte, now I see what you meant. I think we all do the best we can in raising our children, & when they're adults, they are responsible for their own lives. Unfortunately, some don't see it that way I guess. It's easier to blame than to step up to the plate. Anybody with any logic at all would know that his Alzheimer's is no ones fault, no one can be "driven" into it. I feel bad that your relationship with your kids isn't the best, certainly puts more stress on you. For whatever it means to you, I will remember you in prayer. I guess I have been blessed more than I think I have - my sons are a great support for me (at least so far!) Sending hugs & good wishes - from my heart to yours.