I have never walked away from a friend with health issues or anything like that. I have driven hundreds of miles to visit a friend who had a serious health u Issues but have seem all of these same people disappear at the word dementia. I have two good friends and they are always there to listen but they live two hours away so are unable to drop in for coffee. I could have used those visit in February. DH hasn't called since last Wednesday until last night. He has told the family that I am mentally incapable of looking after a house and we see a mediator on Wednesday. I know, there is no mediating with someone with Dementia, but it is just to keep him in a better place. I have no intension of arguing or do I expect anything to be resolved. This has been my February of reprimanding and put downs and verbal abuse. I am so happy to see it gone. I don't expect anything different for March or April, etc. They expect a major change soon and are prepared for it. Med orders in place and all. Yes February was not good. Dementia is not good!!
They never understand. You can spot some of them when they find it hard to admit they're wrong. That's a pathetic trait. You can spot them when their language never contains any self revelations of their own shortcomings or failings. You can spot them when they furrow their brow as you remind them of something they did or said and when and why - and they think you're attacking them .
You can spot them when they ask why you're bringing up that they do the same thing they just carped about. You can spot them when they pee on you and then pretend nothing ever happened. You can spot them when they can't remember. When they get angry because you disagree.
You can spot them when the potential arbitrators just want to avoid conflict. When the memory they reveal has been changed to improve them. This list goes on exactly as long as you are perceptive about incongruities (read lies) in others.
I'm the same. Everybody is. I probably did some things that the x-friends are upset about. I know one of them. I made a joke about Alzheimer's and Dianne which upset them. There's got to be others. But I wanted to talk about it and I wrote that I understood everything wasn't going to go my way - but if we don't come to some understanding there won't be one.
After a long email from me wasn't replied to I wrote a follow up that included a single reference to the idea maybe we need a break. Later I got an email saying they respected that I wanted a break from them as the main point.
I learned long ago that my ideas about the importance of truth in things are unusual. I'm not fussed about it until issues come up that need to be resolved. Then our grotesque needs have to be put aside and we need to honestly engage because those kinds of things do play out in the future and I don't want layers of deceit - I want the fresh air of mutuality.
Even people here have commented numerous times about the extent to which I reveal whether it puts me in a good light or not. I believe I know why most people don't. Because the experience of being is still coming out of the adolesence of the soul where the baby reaches for the moon unable to conceive it is seperate from them and the formative years are learning that others matter equally so we can't just kick people who aren't doing what we want.
Or for the majority, we're in this wonderous place where everything is fascinating and everybody else seems to be so natural while we struggle with how we might smell and whether anyone will like us. We're dominated by how confident others are and how much they seem to know.
They're both sides of the same coin, one outward one inward, where life prepares you to add numbers and bake and not cry if you have a penis; but, nobody cares if you ever evolve out of your own relationship with yourself in the moments and learn to become those moments.
It isn't just being capable that will get you promoted in a good company. It's demonstrating that you get that the team wins - not just you. You won't demonstrate that when every point of view you have is confined to you. And we won't transition to anything if we don't get that we always have that point of vew and we're always changing it - have always changed it, and will always change it. And that none of that touches reality - just our own perception of it.
Those x-friends love Dianne I know that. They can't accept my point of view about what happened because it threatens their self identities too much. That morphs into the perception that everything has been done by the other party. Readers are advised that no point of view is entirely accurate and therefore none are absolutely true. All memories are polished and altered by the action of being remembered. So are mine. But we are human and have self awareness so...
I exaggarated yesterday. I'm having a hot lunch. I don't eat out that often yet. Yet.
They never understand. You can spot some of them when they find it hard to admit they're wrong. That's a pathetic trait. You can spot them when their language never contains any self revelations of their own shortcomings or failings. You can spot them when they furrow their brow as you remind them of something they did or said and when and why - and they think you're attacking them .
You can spot them when they ask why you're bringing up that they do the same thing they just carped about. You can spot them when they pee on you and then pretend nothing ever happened. You can spot them when they can't remember. When they get angry because you disagree.
ABOVE SENTENCES BY WOLF
Wolf....you have expressed comfort in the past , to many of us, that we need to not let them hurt us, or to understand them, I don't know your exact words but something like that. And as for me, I have been able to do that, TO A POINT!!
Those sentences above, YES, that is it. The people next door are back for their two month winter get away, the ones that have been BFF minus the last F. It is more like BFWTAG,best friends when things are good.
Oh that furrowed look, that look like well what have I EVER done wrong, or EVER will?? The SAME platitudes over and over and over and over no matter how many times I tell them THAT IS WRONG! Thank God , they are the only ones that act that badly. And finally, I have been able to separate myself from them, of course a nod and a hello and if someone is robbing you and hurting you, I will call 911.
Just saying it again brings anger, but I am able to cool it down. I HAVE dear old friends that have come through with simply an understanding heart, and even one, that came here and actually HELPED without asking, even cleaning him up when I went out briefly and he had an episode of big poop. (Her mistake , gave him too much smoothies, and now we will giggle about it for the rest of our BFForever hopefully lives.)
They really exist, selfish self centered and in our case, people that DO NOT CARE about him, though they mouth that they do. Have been here almost 2 months and have not visited him. And if they do, they will be the experts on his condition.
Ok enough I can feel myself heating up. THIS IS REAL, but of course my reaction to it does not have to cripple me. What a wonderful surprise to see that the fear that zero people care, came not to be true.
Our emotions are tied intricately to our points of view.
Allow them to be jerks or allow yourself to be angry. Underneath everything I am hurt, I want them in my life - but I can't accept it this way. I can trap myself in that conflict for a long time or I can see that I have the conflict and try and decide how I feel about that and then help myself arrive at a new 'place'.
Do not rediscover the same reaction in the same situation too many times without understanding that you're quite capable of moving your point of view. Just like you are in realizing people do care about you and what that means to you which is an example of it happening as we speak.
I'm generally sorry people are the way they are; but, I need them and I want them so if I can work that out inside so I'm better with how I see it then I'm better emotionally too.
Hi Amber, I had the pub food hamburger and calamari and a Guiness. Our team won. It was a sunny day and a beautiful drive. Various of the kids were there (31 and 30) and called me Uncle Wolf which was pleasant to hear. We cheered and yelled in the stands and now seven hours later I'm back making a pot of strong coffee.
I've decided not to send a sympathy card [to the other funeral bunch]. There's no reason to send a card telling them I'm sorry that they're terds.