I apologize if this shouldn't be started as a new discussion but would love your comments.
We have identified a facility with a wonderful memory care unit that has a vacancy - DH could probably wait a few more months, but I, as caregiver, am getting worn out. If this room is rented to someone else it could be months before another one opens up. My daughter and son-in-law agree with me that we should probably go ahead while we can get what we want for DH.
What do I tell him to try and get as much acceptance from him as possible? We're thinking of saying that the doctor wants him to go in for treatment of his memory and see what happens from there. Of course I dread the confrontation and first few weeks, but would love your comments.
Because my husband was in pain from a variety of physical ailments - particularly his knees and his back - and he was almost completely physically disabled, I told him he was going in for "rehab" to see if something could be done to strengthen his knees and relieve his pain. I told him the day before he was scheduled to go, and he agreed, because he was in so much pain. That's the only way I could have gotten him there.
If your husband does not have any physical disabilities, I think your idea is perfect. Tell him that he needs a lot of tests and possible treatment that requires a stay in a facility. I told my husband that it was for two weeks. Once there, he put up a huge fuss about staying, but I just kept telling him that he had to stay until my own back was better, as I was in no condition to take care of him ( which was the absolute truth - caring for him ruined my back ).
I would definitely suggest doing as I did - tell him the day before if possible.
George's Caregiver, When I placed my DH, I took him over there for lunch early in the week prior to placement, telling him only that we were going to have lunch with a friend of mine. The staff made a big deal out of him, so he enjoyed his time. I didn't tell him anything else until I walked him into his room the day of placement. I then said, "ok good your bed, chair and clothes are all in place. We are going to stay here for a while cause there's a lot of work to be done on the house and it's just too much for me. This is your room and my room is 'down there'". Although he was a little confused about the change, he didn't really ever question it. I'd be there every day and just say how much I enjoyed that they waited on us and we didn't have to do any work or cook any meals.
My husband had declined to the point where he could not process much information at all. I could never have had a conversation with him to explain the placement, cause he didn't realize that he had any impairment at all. So, I just did it, crossing my fingers and praying that it would work. Blessedly, it did. Good luck to you. It's the most terrifying thing that I've ever done, but like you, when a room became available I just took the leap.
"we should probably go ahead while we can get what we want for DH"
I agree. I also agree being worn out is another important part of it. You will never likely feel ok with this because it's something everybody has to endure. Don't forget that he will likely get better care on a 24/7 basis than you can continue to provide and that those care needs will continue to increase. This is coming, it has to be faced, and what the family wants for him is available.
I would also reinforce the point that once you have some time at home knowing he is cared for, you will hopefully have some quiet time to catch up a bit. Many are lacking sleep at this point. With a little luck you might be somewhat more able to focus on both your lives better.
It's relevant whether we're talking EOAD or AD. My wife didn't know she was going to a NH. If she had I believe I would have been honest and stood firmly on the fact that I can't do it alone anymore and that we need this help to take care of her. It's an awful truth but we should also remember I think that we're the lucky ones that have this option.
It's highly likely that with your husband there you will begin to feel less worn out as you catch up a little on the basic needs that have been missing and that will likely help considerably in seeing this through with him. Good luck.
I find myself in this place too. Last week I started to look into different facilities, thinking there would be a waiting period, and three of the places I called have beds right now. Some days I am totally ready to place him. Sometimes, especially at night, I am just done. And then there are days where he is a bit like his old self and I enjoy being with him so much I can't imagine him not being with me. The info you all have posted is helpful, but I just don't know what to do. Like George's Caregiver I fear that if I don't take one of these beds now, when I really need one, there WILL be a waiting period, and then what? On Monday I'm going to tour four different places. Guess I'll know more then, and maybe the answer will present itself. I sure hope so.
Another Pam here, wondering whether it is time. I'm leaning towards the "he will get better care" argument, but he is pretty aware and is willing to do anything to be home. I said I need to not be awakened at night and he is trying, but it isn't working very well. A few nights ago after I went to bed he fell asleep on the toilet and his hair got caught in the roller. I have a call into the nursing home where his aunt used to be, and last I kept up with them they weren't full.
It's 4am, DW hasn't slept all night, again. I am exhausted, can't calm her down. Dr. says, give her another Ativan, that doesn't work. When I mention NH, she cries uncontrollably, telling me she will do better. I know she would, if she could. Begs me not to leave her. I can't place her but I can't continue like this. Stomach hurts, heart hurts, sitting here listening to her crying on the monitor.
I hear you ronnyd. I know what you're feeling. There are no good answers I'm afraid. If you aren't able to function that is the worst outcome because she can't. This is a terrible conflict you're in and that's why the stomach and heart hurt. That makes sense. And you're ripping my heart out telling me you're listening to her crying on the monitor. I feel what you're feeling. I faced that terrible day two years ago now when I put my DW into a nursing home.
ronnyd, I went through this with my DH a couple of months before he died. Ativan worked for awhile - then it began to rev him up. He didn't cry but was up/awake all night, talking, talking and wandering around - when he could walk. Risperdal worked for awhile, too - then not. Days and nights were all mixed up. It is so heartbreaking and exhausting for us. No easy answer. Mentioning NH may be upsetting her, also. I didn't talk about placement with him but told him I'd always be there to take care of him. As Wolf said, you are not alone - we are all here for you.
We waited much too long for placement. He went into respite for 5 days, and is now at home for 2 days before (hopefully) he will be back into respite for another week. Since he came home yesterday I am now so aware that he needs to be placed asap. At respite, in order to move him, they used two staff and a lift. At home I have been using a walker to get him to stand up, then moving his wheelchair behind him to move him to the commode or lift chair (mostly be grabbing the back of his pants for leverage). Just physically, all of the care is so demanding, and you begin to realize this isn’t good for either of you. Also, it is the constant 24/7 caregiving and exhaustion. From the advice given by others here, I know that I will have to deal with, and learn how to handle the emotional part, but placement has to come first, and soon. Good advice has been given regarding that, too, and I intend to change MY thinking. Wish you the best.