My dh has been humming along pretty congenially for about 2 years now, since I got him on anti depressants and sleeping aids. His cognition lately (about the past few months) has been declining rapidly and I find he wants to be with me all the time now - wants to know where I'm going every time I get out of my chair - you all know the drill. And, along with this beefed-up dependence upon me, he's becoming more aggressive - hair trigger temper - I feel like I'm walking on delicate eggshells now instead of just regular eggshells.
So, my question: am I to expect his behavior to become more difficult as he sinks further into this dark disease? Should I be getting him back to his neurologist for a meds change? He threatened to hit me again the other day because I was hurrying him to the car. I told him I would drop his little butt off at the Sheriff's office if he ever did that. He didn't hit me, but this is becoming his default thought these days. I'm pretty uncomfortable with this behavior and wondering how to handle it. I'd rather not live with him if this is what I have to expect from here on out. I'm really beginning to dislike him most of the time - I was hoping it wouldn't ever come to this.
mother, getting a hand on early aggression to me is primary. first and moremost, even if they go to a facility they have to be compliant and in control or they don't accept them. of course the first course of action is to get an apt with your neuro and tell him exactly what you said here. that you are fearful of him and don't trust his actions. they can go off on us in a minute without provocation at times. its the disease of course but we have no control over this other than making sure they have the right combo of meds. over time they tend to wear off and become ineffective. and need constant adjustments. its the nature of the beast to become adjusted to them and need new dosings. take care and get him under control no matter what as you will need to be in control if you plan on keeping him at home. sometimes these stages move on and sometimes they can escalate. without meds we have no hope. trying one then another til something works. not easy but its essential. stay safe and have yourself an out if he would become unecessarlily unruly. it comes a time where threatening them may not help either. the rage can be significant and they wont mean to hurt us but they most definitely can. best of luck. lay it to the doctor without hesitancy.
mother, I agree with divvi's advice...call the dr who prescribes the meds for your husband and let him know about the new behavior and your fears. And that you want him/her to prescribe something to control the behavior. The psychiatrist who saw my husband early in his disease said you need to treat agitation because untreated it escalates to aggression and then violence. Believe me, I've lived through all 3 stages and was lucky I wasn't seriously hurt. My husband's aggression is mostly controlled by meds, but I always watch for the signs because his mood can change in a minute. I love him very much but I do still have deep seated anger about the physical abuse I endured in those early years.
What do you mean "all 3 stages"? And, thank you and Divvi for your advice - I emailed the neuro this morning and I'm sure I'll be hearing from him within the week. I have a very good relationship with the neuro and trust him. He is always in my court. Hopefully, we can get this under control sooner than later as this behavior really has me on edge as well and I have a difficult time holding my tongue when I'm hating my situation so much. I know it's for the best, but it definitely isn't my typical MO. Almost anything will set him off and I find that I have a clenched jaw 24/7, a stiff neck and painful joints AND acne at 61. I think the acne is the most difficult for me to accept - never even had that as a teenager
I can only tell you what happened when the man who would take a bullet for me threatened to kill me in a rage. I have no idea what would set him off, but I believe he really didn't know just who I was, that he thought I was some sort of stranger or that someone had taken possession of me. My children kept saying, 'please, Mom, we don't want to lose you to the same disease.' It was the physical toll it was taking on me and then the violence. The doctor told me to always look for a way out if I was in a room alone with him--how can one live that way? Eventually I had to place him and within weeks he became so violent in the facility, attacking people, throwing things, that they had to call the police who handcuffed him and placed him in a lockdown mental facility. I lost all control over him. Eventually, with meds, they got him calmed down and the facility took him back with the understanding that he would stay calm, but it was all way beyond what I could have done on my own.
Today, hopefully, they have even better meds and cell phones, which we didn't have then. Today, I'd keep one on me at all times with 911 at the ready, and a locked room, if possible, that I could retreat to and an easy way to get out of the house. Your main goal is to keep yourself safe. He'll go along with the disease no matter where he is or who's caring for him. No one knows better than those of us who have been there how hard it is on you physically and emotionally, it's like being in a shredder. Your health is suffering. I wish I could give you the advice that you could follow, but we are each different on many levels. Just know this site is here for you to vent, take advantage of it and take care of yourself, you are the important one.
Yes, I agree with the others who posted before. We tried several anti psychotic drugs before we found the right combination. I spent 8 or 10 months with my cell phone and car keys in my pocket. Once he tried to smash the car window with a big rock when I locked myself in. Another time I did call the state police. (we don't have local police) . They talked him into letting me take him to the hospital to be evaluated and then followed us all the way to the ER door. That was the first time he was seen by the neurologist.
You are all so wonderful. I know that I can always get good advice and empathy from you all - thank you. This all seems so hopeless at times, but we all get through it somehow. I pray that the doc can regulate his meds and we can once again continue to glide through this disease to a soft landing for him. I know, I know, I'm in lala land if I think that will happen. I can fantasize can't I??
I really need to go away for a month, a week would due, though. Be great for my attitude.
The 3 stages I referred to are agitation,aggression and violence. Like Mary I had to call the police because he tried to kill me. After 3 months in a psych hospital and several med combos, they released him to home with the provision I hire a male aide to care for him and for my protection. He's been on a good med combo for a while but it always needs adjusting. The aggression is always just below the surface even after all the meds and 5+years later. After this many years I can read the signs and give ativan when needed. Good luck....I hope you get your compliant man back.
Hopefully meds can help. It is probably time to review all meds and be sure that none of his current meds can be causing problems at this time.
My wife gets agitated when I try to hurry her (go at a reasonable speed to me). Unfortunately we have to walk on eggshells and not agitate them. This can mean losing a lot.
My wife almost bit off my ear (I had a mark for over 6 months) after talking on the phone with her father and he was angry about something. She absorbed his emotions. She was on probation for assaulting me (I wasn't in danger in that incident but my son was scared for me and called 911) so I did not want to go to the hospital with a bloody ear, try to explain the bite marks. While you can do the best you can you have to consider your own safety and that you have limited control over keeping him calm.
Gord never got over the agitated phase. When he was in rehab, he tried to stab a nurse. When I insisted on bringing him home, they came and checked the apartment. I had to put all my knives in a locked box. We had a collection of canes and I was advised to get rid of those. I ignored that until I came home and he had been chasing the PSW around and around the apartment with one of the canes. I had a lock on my bedroom for a safe place, my cell and cordless always charged and at hand, a special lock on our door with a key always with me and several hidden near the door. Looking back, it was a hard way to live and I should have listened to the psychiatrist who told me I should not bring him home from rehab. I believe in hindsight, it would have been better for him.....for both of us.
Aggression was why my hubby was put into LTC. After years of dealing with it along with PTSD (veteran) I had just had enough....I was so worn down his doctor stepped in and that was that, in he went. So really monitor yourself and when you see signs...BP rising, stress headaches...etc (other member can add in more) then it's time to look after yourself.
As like everyone else has said get him meds looked into and see what changes need to be done.
I'm one of the cases where once he went in there he has been really good with the staff it's only me that is the target. I think it's because he knows I'm the one with the power to take him out or leave him in.
I don't think any of us are expected to live in fear. If it comes to that, I hope you will remove the fear by getting him on appropriate medications, or in a care facility.
Good news, Herb's Neuro got right back to me and has us coming in Monday afternoon. He agreed that something needs to be changed.
Dh has been pretty congenial the last couple days because I've been paying more attention to him. A bit of a catch 22 because he doesn't want me to be out of his sight and pouts when I leave and come back. Hope the new meds work fast and well.
mothert, so glad the neuro got back to you. It sure sounds like a med change is needed. Sometimes the new med works a while then needs changing again, or sometimes it makes them even worse and you have to try again. We've had both happen at different times.
I know from reading this forum that med changes are no panacea and that sometimes you have to experiment until the right mix is found. I certainly do not relish the thought of living with bad temperament in the meantime. We're supposed to host the grandchildren for their mid-winter break the 3rd week of February, I hope all is settled by them. His condition prevents me from interacting with the family as much as I would otherwise; I don't want them to grow up without me.