I am only writing to my friends. I would write it in my journal but left it back in MN. I haven't written for a long time due to my daughter in law, stalking me in the shadows of the inspire site. Quite upsetting. I was physically shaking. That was at the beginning of my husband's diagnosis. It has now been almost two years of formal diagnosis of AD. He is 81 and I am 65. Married 20 plus years, second marriages.
He is failing and getting worse. As much as I dislike and have no respect for his grown children who have not been there for him, I decided this year it is no longer on me. I have written so many pages in my journal about their not calling, their lack of love and forgiveness. My hubby left his wife but I was not involved or even knew him then. But we found each other and he was happy....my fault I guess. Anyway, you can't make people love you or even like you. I've learned this after 20 years of trying.
Regardless of my feelings about them, I decided I no longer wanted their family issues and baggage on me. Letting them upset me is only giving them power over me. They never ask how he is or rarely call...had their own family reunion on a key 80th birthday last year because they said they had no idea that being 80 would matter to him.
I made the call to his son to give him an update that he has not asked for in two years about his father's condition. Nothing more. My hubby left three messages for his daughter, no response. One hasn't spoken to him in 25 years. The other, bolding screams she hates me.
I've done my responsibility...now it is no longer on me but on them. I will not let their involvement or lack of involvement in his or our lives steal my energy or focus on today.
I've forgiven them for being selfish, maybe afraid, stubborn, uncaring.... they have the information... it is now on them.
Thank you God ....give me the strength of just love my husband and live each day to the fullest....even though that may not be that big, we are together
Lakegirl, you are not alone. I think you are doing an awesome job with what you have to deal with. We had our son, my step son and DH's brother who just never seemed to care. Even to the end. I just don't get some people. Spend this time on yourself and your very dear husband. (((Hugs)))
Lakegirl - Find a picture of them, set fire to it and say good bye....simple but it does work. Hubby's kids haven't had anything to do with him for years and I have never sent them any info. I refuse to add their BS to my weight of responsibilities.
I guess we now know why some species eat their young. :) (wish we had smile faces)
Lakegirl, What you wrote is exactly the same as what I have experienced right down to the age difference etc. I know this doesn't help but you are not alone. So sorry you're going though this as I truly do get where you are coming from. ((hugs))
It is not just children from a first marriage. Ours act like they could care less. Our estranged DIL cares more about us than our own kids. My daughter keeps sending me email telling me if I don't change my ways (otherwise accept the anger, bitter, nasty person she has become), when her dad dies I will be all alone with no friends in the world. She likes to try and hit me where it might hurt - how horrible mother I was or how horrible my mom was; she has told me she wishes we had never adopted them; how if I don't accept her I will be homeless and lonely after my hb dies. She no longer bothers me. I am happier not having her and the stress she creates in my life.
Lakegirl, let them go. When the time comes I would send them a letter (snail mail so it takes longer) of his death. Until them, let them go. They are like a poison in your life that you do not need.
Charlotte, Yikes, It sounds like your daughter has many of the same hostility issues as my d.i.l. I concur with you and ignore her. We don't need drama queens in our lives. You deserve love, respect and compassion. Caretaking is packed with a chit load of problems and this is one less problem we need.(( hugs))
Lakegirl, I don't know if I would even inform them when the time comes. Why would they care then when they don't care now?
My own father was extremely selfish and self centered, although his professional work was extraordinary valuable and public spirited. To the outside world he was a saint. My Mother had dementia. My father treated it as an annoying hindrance to his professional life. I have resolved in every way to be a better father and caretaker than he was. When he died I closed his eyes, gave a well received Eulogy and tipped the burial party at his request. I've never been back to his grave. I took care of my mother in every way I could to the day she died. Some parents don't deserve care from children. My wonderful kids always reminded me that they chose our nursing home.
35 years ago, my DH's ex wife was very happy. She had met a married man, they were to divorce their spouses and get married. She got the divorce with property, alimony, etc. and everything else she ask for in an uncontested divorce. It was at this time, I met her "ex", (my DH ), for the first time. She had nothing but nice things to say about her "ex", but did tell me that he just wasn't a "Leader" like what she had found in" Jim". Her "ex" and I fell in love and married. Her "married man friend" reconciled with his wife and broke off their relationship. She was left with no "married man friend" and no husband and became very sad and bitter. Her bitterness helped turn their children against their father. Only one of them has spoken to him in over 12 years and he calls, maybe twice a year. Lives approx. 800 miles away. There will be no help until he draws his last breath and they will come out of the walls wanting to help read his will.
No children or "exs" here but DH's family has abandoned him. I do not plan on letting them know when he passes. Like lulliebird says, if they didn't care about him when he was alive why would they care about his death?
I like Amber's suggestion-find a photo and burn it.
My DH's brothers live about an hour away and travel close by to visit family and friends but never come to see him or even call.i will not let them know when he passes.
My husband is 22 years older than I. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. He has three grown children and , with the exception of the middle one, seem to view me as an interloper and as having undue influence on their father. None of them really seem to care about how their Dad is doing, he has been diagnosed with dementia and is just now becoming disabled by the disease. Although they aren't geographically close there aren't even many e mails or calls. And, with the exception of the middle child, they treat me like I am the help. I am dealing with it but it really rankles me sometimes to be so discounted. They act like I was the cause of the failure of my husband's previous marriage, I didn't have anything to do with that, we didn't date until after he was separated for at least a year, awaiting divorce. I am tired of being treated like a maid instead of what I am, a loving and loyal wife and life partner to my ailing husband, whom I love with all my heart. Sometimes it just seems like too much to handle. Thanks for listening. j
Welcome jtf88, Sorry you are having such trouble with the grown children. If it helps, even our own children are not much help at times. Three out of our five children were MIA through most of DH journey. He passed in Dec. I just try to not think about it to much, just makes me mad.
Can I say a kind word for second spouses? My wonderful MIL died young 30 years ago. My FIL remarried a very nice woman who stepped right up and became a real grandmother to my kids. No one could have had a better 'step mother in law" She nursed my FIL through his last dementing illness and just died over Christmas at the age of 91 while planning our family Christmas dinner.
I gave a Eulogy for her and noted that "Step mothers need better press agents". Nice lady
Crushed--as a stepmom I thank you. We do need better press agents! I didn't receive one comment of gratitude/recognition for the 10 years of caregiving of my husband. Thankfully, it came from many other sources.
When sullen children are so self absorbed they find new meaning within themselves trying to prevent their father or mother from their own happiness out of spite that what they want in life isn't dropping in their laps out of the clear sky or transferring the blame for their own SNAFU'd life onto anything that moves except them - it's a problem.
In my opinion a percentage of people are self absorbed loathers peeing their pants they might have to do something and there's no telling which family they show up in.
I don't know which would be more disappointing. That I, as an adult child, might behave in such a way is pretty sick; but, that my mom or dad would even listen to such garbage would be equivelant.
Those things will never happen to me. I will tell the woman who shows me her own children's reluctance to our friendship early that what she's looking for is a toaster which you plug in. And any undue lip from adult children will be met with equally vicious lip where I'm pretty sure I can be more biting and cruel than most can dream of and without the stage fright.
It's just as normal for adult children to be suspicious and defensive of some stranger moving into their reality with their remaining parent as it is for that remaining parent to have serious concerns about how the 'children' react. I respect both of those deeply.
I also expect to be examined closely until I pass tests. I don't expect automatic warmth. I have to earn any of that. But in the context of satisfying themselves I am an OK person. I might not be thought of as their new 'dad' and again I don't have any issues. They get to choose who they like and don't and I would have the responsibility of helping make it all work.
The key to me is reality. If someone says they want me in their life there has to be substantial evidence in their behaviour that they really do. Early in a relationship later in life the two of us would be absorbed in trying to figure it out. Other people's concerns who frankly aren't there that often compared to the two of us tempted to throw our lot in together - don't take center stage unless they ARE center stage.
When your adult children's reaction to you feeling love again is the determinant of whether you feel love then it isn't love - it's missing role replacement. Adult children get to not want these things to be happening. It should be known that deep down that would be the normal feeling. Real here too is how much the children care about their own mother's (in my case) happiness.
There are far more important things on the table than adult children opinions and behaviour. I am not marrying her x-husband and she is not marrying my x-wife but we both will be living in the memory of them. She does not have to be accepted by the adults in my past anymore than I have to be accepted by the adults in hers. It would be great if our kids were all supportive; when they are opposed there is much more conflict.
But we have to find all these things out and figure them all out as part of the choices we are now making together. That has to be evidenced underlying reality. If it has to be me that points out that adult children that don't like the replacement aren't going to like the next one either, then I can tell you who the dunce is here - me. Because then I wouldn't be doing what I'm saying either.
I'm not worried about it. I can see through a brick wall and I only need three words. Deeply, genuine, and nice. Everything else I can work with - including the adult children.
On the other hand my wife and her sisters were happy when their father started dating a woman (as opposed to women) around 2 years after their mother died. Being above the age of 40 they would never see this woman as step-mom, but she has been welcomed to the family and spend holidays with my wife's family if she isn't celebrating with her own children.
They doubt that their father will ever remarry. They each have established and lead their own lives, they each have their own money, their own house, etc. And they each want to leave their estates to their own (adult) children and not have their estates inherited by the other's grown children.
So adult step-children do not always cause problems.
Lloyd and I had 6 children between us - his 3 and my 3. We met when we were 15 and 16 and got together forever 28 years later. His kids were never interested in him, only in what they could get out of him. His oldest daughter seemed to enjoy blaming every little thing that went wrong in her life on him. My kids were not perfect, but they loved him and he loved them. His kids had not seen him (some in years) when I contacted his son and said he would be dead in days and to call his sisters. I sent messages to these girls and told them to get in contact with their brother. The response from the oldest was "F*** you, b****. Leave me the f***alone." The 2 youngest came to our home to spend time with him - one a couple days before Lloyd died and his youngest daughter the very day he died. I had to persuade her because she wanted "to remember him the way he was". I told her that this was it and there would be no going back if there were regrets later. She came and I let her sit in our bedroom with her Dad with the door closed so they were alone. The oldest showed up at calling hours and spewed garbage over her dad's casket until my oldest invited her to leave. I do not judge them. I do not forgive them. I ignore them and soon, I will forget them. I have no control over them and now that their dad is gone, they have become insignificant through their own inaction.