So many mixed feelings tonight... DH went to Day Care for the first time. Family and friends strongly encouraged me to give it a try. We presented it as a chance for him to do volunteer work. He was agreeable as he always liked to help others.
The staff is excellent and very accommodating. They welcomed him and thanked him for coming to help. The truth is he does seem to be in much better state than most.
He pushed wheelchairs, served trays and whatever else they could do to have him feel useful.
So he said he will be back next week. I'm just trying one day a week.
So why, I ask, do I not feel as good about this as he does. The harsh reality has hit me hard today.
Our children and friends are glad it worked out.
I don't like this life right now. I want my old DH back! Not the one whom I dropped off and picked up like a child Today.:(
Lorrie-as sad as it is-you have to accept it. It looks like day care will give your husband a chance to be useful and feel better about himself. As an old timer I have come to realize that you can't stop the monster. The train is coming down the track and there is no reason for you to fall under it. I want my old life back too. Being in the 'after' gives me too much time to think and to dwell on what should have been.
The first couple of weeks I would drop DH off and then go out to my car and sob. I had to walk him into the facility and I think it was seeing the other clients who were much older and more advanced and knowing that he was now part of "that group" and would be progressing to their level. He was a good twenty years younger than the youngest there but within eleven months it became necessary to place him in an ALF. Lorrie, you will get over the initial shock, and embrace the chance for him to socialize and you to have some alone time. Going to DC is a huge step and whatever doubts you entertained that maybe he didn't have AD or would have a different outcome are banished by the reality of DC. It is like crossing the Rubicon - there is no going back - not that you ever had a choice. Your feelings are rather typical, I would imagine. I certainly had them too.
Blue daze Thanks for staying around and both understanding and sharing your experience and wisdom. I know I must accept Things I cannot change.....but today I just feel like kicking and screaming "NO". I'm doing it here because there is nowhere else I can. Tomorrow, I will work on accepting again.
marche.. Yes, I feel exactly as you did. Thank you !! Just seeing the other much older, more advanced clients did bother me. But I could not shed a tear...just sick stomach, headache, stress pain ... Anxiety! fear, Sadness.... It does signify a HUGE STEP...one I did not expect Soo soon!
I understand how you feel. The first day I left dh at the day care I too felt sick and wondered if I really did need to go to whatever place I was going. When I came back to pick him up he was still sitting in the same chair in the same place and I wondered if he had been there the entire time. His decline came soon after so I didn't take him but twice and then hospice was called. Do take this opportunity while your dh wants to "help" and give yourself permission to relax a bit. Reality is a hard pill to swallow and all on this message board know that all too well.
Thanks Florence. I am so very grateful for this site and those of you willing to reach out and show understanding . I have dear friends but tonight here is where I came for help. Only those on this road can really understand.
Soo amazing how virtual strangers are our life lines.
Sadly many of our friends here who worried about placement or daycare found that our own spouses didn't find it a problem to socialize with the elderly folks. their perspective on age and such seems to dissipate with everything else. its a blessing I guess. but yes very hard to take the first step to get that needed respite we so desperately need. for us and them. I also find my DH does well now in the facility I place him in for respite. the first times were torture knowing he was alone in an unfamiliar place. but he seems to enjoy the interaction with others 'like' him and the staff. it does get easier with time. think of it as refueling yourself to get a bit of time away from caregiving. without fuel we cannot go far. and caregiving is very draining mentally and physically and we must keep our tanks half full:) hope he enjoys his job. its a wonderful idea. divvi
divvi It's true I think that it is harder for us to take that step to daycare than our spouse in many cases. My hubby went in smiling and came out smiling. He is ready to go back. I spoke to the director today and she told me he did so well fitting in the diverse group. I'm glad to hear that you have a place for respite too. You are right..we do need time away from caregiving to refuel
I also now see that it is good for my DH to be somewhere without me. It even gave him something to "talk" about.
Hopefully, I will adjust to this new direction as well as he does....and he continues to like it.
I am glad to hear that your husband did well in daycare. I am sure with time you will adjust to this new day care routine and will find this "respite" a valued service.
Perhaps your husband is still able to be left safety at home? However, there will come a time when you can not leave him alone to run the simplest errand. When that day comes your hubby will be adjusted to his daycare routine. Lorrie, it will make life easier for you in the near future to have this escape/respite time to do the things would not be able to do. Please stick with it...yes, it's difficult, but one day you will appreciate it! I know I do.
I was working part time three days a week when I had to take my DH to day care. I couldn't leave him alone any longer. He always loved to dance so he became quite popular with the ladies there. I still remember the first day I took him. When I picked him up he said "I thought I'd never see you again". Talk about wanting to cry.
My Dh hasn't been left alone at all since last summer. When he didn't know his address, couldn't use a phone or any appliance, had lost ability to judge etc and we felt his safety was an issue things changed dramatically.
That's when the doctors and his family began talking about daycare as a respite for me and a safe place for social interaction for him.