Hi Well today I had a meeting with the head nurse, the PSW and the main nurse. My DH has been telling me how he is yelling and screaming at staff and he made it sound just so terrible, so I had a meeting with them and they tell me it is happening but not as bad as he is letting on. He has a perception problem so I never know what is truth or what is fiction. He has now started sundowning and this starts about 15:00 and goes all evening with mood changes and walking and walking. He is also having anxiety attacks when we try to take him out so no more outings. He is still doing our finances but is now getting very upset and stressed about it And they have said I need to take that stressor away, but that will devastate him as it is a job he loves and has been very good at, but now I have to go and take it away from him and this will not be easy for me or for him. I think this will cause a terrible downturn for him. I know he will be very angry with me and I just don't know how to handle this. He told me tonight that he is very down and that he has to purpose in life and can't think of a reason for his being here anymore. He was really down when he called me but when his son called him ten minutes later I was told he was laughing and really upbeat. He called me after talking to his son and again sounded really down. I think he is trying to make me feel really sorry for him or he is playing games with my feelings. I don't how to take the banking from him and I am worried that it will send him over the edge. HELP!
I agree - he is playing games with you regarding his feelings and yours. As for the finances, I am amazed he still does them.
Is there a way to have duplicate books - one he does and the real ones that you do? If not, you will just have to do or maybe have the doctor tell him he needs to reduce stress and that is one area you can help him with. Maybe a way to slowly start 'helping' him while you gradually take over.
he also might needs meds for the sundowning and anxiety.
Hi Jazzy! I hate how this disease messes with your mind and theirs.
I also am amazed that he is still doing your finances...but as long as he has done a good job but now maybe time for you to ask him if he can teach you how to do it. Then slowly take over plus as we all know as he gets worst you will be on top of any poor financial decision he might make before he makes it and you don't end up losing money that you will need to live on.
Hubby also walks and walks but now as he is settling not as much and I think he also understands that I will always come and see him and haven't dropped him off and abandon him there.
I only have one credit card in my name and the bank has helped me put a password on so he can't Chang anything that is in place but he can manipulate from account to account. The problem is he uses a program called Quicken that is great for keeping track of what, where and how much you spend on anything. He can tell how much we spent on coffee ten years ago, and that is what is the stressor, so they told me this morning to take it away as he is becoming anxious and that is not good. I will be going to the bank today to find out how to change the passwords and Internet access. This is going to really upset him but the head nurse has told me to put it off onto them and they will deal with it at their end. I have to do this but it breaks my heart to take away something he loves.
I know this is not the same but our doctor told dh that someone else should drive for him when the time came he was not a safe driver. Perhaps if your doctor told him that someone else should do his finances for him because it was causing him to worry that he would take it better. It would never have worked for me to tell dh I was going to do all the driving but he never questioned our doctor. good luck to you this is a very touchy subject.
So sorry that this is happening. I know it seems so heartless to do to your DH. But you are doing this for his well being. It is just part of caregiving, keeping them as safe and stress free as possible. Tough love, you have to do it for his own good. And know that it is the right thing for him. And don't be upset with yourself. If he gets upset with you, remember you are being a loving wife. (((Hugs)))
Jazzy, can you replace it with something else? Does he have an Ipad or other device that he can play games on, or listen to music with? That has been a great distraction for my DH. He seems to get into a "zone" just looking at the screen. I got the larger size pad so he can hold it easily.
Jazzy, I had to smile when I read your comment, “He can tell how much we spent on coffee ten years ago.” That is my DH!
When we went into “reduce the stress mode” with his MCI diagnosis, I automated all the bill payments and setup Quicken, which automatically downloads everything into the corresponding income & expense categories. Over time, I have taken over the financial decision making (DH clearly was not able to make theses decisions anymore); he can’t complete a bank form without my direction.
But he cannot let go of his own bookkeeping! He uses an archaic piece of software on an even more archaic MAC computer, and he types everything in manually. I do periodically gently remind him that he doesn’t need to do this anymore, but I am definitely not going to introduce more stress by demanding he stop. It’s a little bit of stress for me, having to create Quicken reports for him, and answer his unending questions about every line item, but I decided it is worth it to allow him to maintain some feeling of still being the master of his domain – to feel a bit of control in a life that is out of control.
The caveat is my DH cannot screw anything up. He is just taking paper statements and entering the data into his old computer system. Since you can initiate transactions from within the Quicken program, I would never allow him to access that.
Maybe you can convince him that you can take over maintaining the Quicken program (I assume that is the part that is frustrating him) and you will still give him reports so he can “keep a sharp eye” on the finances.
As far as filling his time/distracting him – I have two words – Candy Crush. My husband plays that game endlessly (he’s not allowed to purchase extra helps or any of that, so it doesn’t cost anything). It’s sad how much time he spends on it, but it is also a Godsend. It has made life so much easier for me. He plays it on an iPhone, but you can also play it on an iPad, computer, and other devices.
As I was thinking about this I remembered that my dh used to have a "quarterly report" that he made for himself on our finances. Finance was his hobby and he monitored finance when he was working so it was important to him. When he could no longer do this for himself I would just reprint what he had done months before and give it to him. Of course it wasn't up to date but it satisfied him. No, I didn't feel great about doing this but then I didn't feel great about anything at that time. We do whatever to keep going so I say whatever works for your situation do it. Situations will change and what we do will too. Good luck!