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    • CommentAuthorVelvet
    • CommentTimeJan 5th 2014
     
    I really, really need some advise. I placed my husband last Tuesday in long term care. He does not want to stay
    there and keeps telling that he shouldn't be there because he is not crazy. I have phoned and checked on him
    and they said he was eating a little but not much else. I live 1/2 hours away and our weather has been 30 below
    with a 40 below wind chill and I am not much on winter driving. My son went there today and says that his dad is
    going to starve himself to death and that he stinks to high heaven as he won't let anyone bath him.He went to A&W
    and got him a couple of buddy burgers because he really likes them. I am sitting here crying as I do not know what
    I should do. My heart is breaking.
    There is no way that I can look after him at home but can't handle what is going on either. Do I pack everything up
    and move so that I can go in every day to look after him. Shawn did get him to drink some ensure but without help
    he can't eat unless everything is cut up in small pieces. I am waiting for a call back and beside myself with dread.
    My son flies out to work for a week tomorrow and won't be back until next Tuesday. I am so tired and now so confused
    my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I am not going to phone there tonight as there is just a weekend staff on.
    Will call the lady that I did all the work with last week to see what she has to say and I am waiting for a phone call
    back from my son. PLEASE any advise.
    at what kind of a decision did I make.
    • CommentAuthorFiona68
    • CommentTimeJan 5th 2014
     
    Velvet, if you cannot take care of him at home, then your decision to place him in long term care is the right decision.

    Now that he is in placement, it is the staff's responsibility to see that he is fed and cleaned. Of course, you will want to be closely involved with his care and, during this very bad weather, telephone communication with the person who supervises his care is a good idea. Perhaps his Dr. will prescribe some sort of med. to help your husband calm down and cooperate with staff.

    It's a huge change for both of you, so give your DH and yourself some time to get used to it. Even though your DH is having problems becoming acclimated to his new living situation, my personal opinion is that you should NOT pack up and move to where he is to ensure he gets good care. If he hates being there, I'd guess that he may try to browbeat you into returning him home. That won't be good for either of you, so let the professionals take over.

    I'm sure others will chime in to give you more advice. Good luck to you and try to just take this one day at a time.

    Keeping you in my prayers.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJan 5th 2014
     
    Velvet, I think that this is a common problem and will be handled by the staff, including the doctor. Your decision to call the lady you worked with there last week is a good one; she will know who to contact and what to do.
    It happened with my husband and in a few days, he came around - most of them do. With the right approach from the staff he will resume eating. He will be bathed. In all of the care facilities that I know, the staff will cut up his food in small pieces and may even sit at the table with him and encourage him to eat.
    The one person here that I'm concerned about is you. You know you can't take care of him at home, and it would be unwise, in my opinion, to move so that you can go in to to care for him every day. That would be an unnecessary and stressful thing for you to do to yourself, I think. You would be better off to start taking care of yourself: you must be tired from the journey so far, and you will need energy for the long haul. No one else is going to do it - you need to pace yourself, starting now. You're the boss, and the others must do their job, so that you can oversee the whole operation. Velvet gloves, of course, but hands of steel.
    • CommentAuthorAliM
    • CommentTimeJan 5th 2014
     
    Velvet, The decision to place is heartbreaking and the adjustment period after placement is also heartbreaking. The bathing and changing is usually a problem with the male ALZ patients at my DH's NH. I would speak to the director of nursing about about all concerns and let the staff make decisions to address what sounds like are common problems with ALZ patients after placement. Med replacement or adjustmernt may be necessary. You might also ask to speak to the head dietician to make her/him aware of how his food should be prepared. It will take time for the staff to become familiar with him. I believe that moving would essentially place you back in the position of constant care that you can no longer do. Just give it while to settle down and see if it works out. Good luck Velvet, hang on and take care of yourself.
  1.  
    An Alzheimer Case Manager explained it to me this way: when healthy you go to a hotel the first night every thing is new and different and you don't always sleep very well, but by the third day you are acclimated. It can take an AD patient four weeks to acclimate to the new surroundings. Expect some decline during that time - which may or may not be gained back with acclimation. I found this to be quite true.
    I was also fortunate to find a male social worker to come in and help with bathing and introduce him to the idea of the mostly female staff doing it. This has worked out very well and the social worker is a good mediator with the staff. Since you live far away, you might consider looking for a Case Manager in the town where the facility is to act as a go-between and to check up on your husband.
    Velvet, it is too soon to give up on this and introduce even more change like moving. You are stressed and being burdened with guilt when this is the best option for both of you. He can manage on a sparse diet for a while, and the staff should have strategies for getting him clean. It all takes time and baby steps. All of the advice above is excellent. Stuff guilt in your pocket and pull out problem-solving (beginning by contacting the person you know at the facility).
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2014
     
    You can find a geriatric care manager at www.caremanager.org and put in your zip code. I hired one when my husband was in the early stages of his dementia and I needed a liaison who could represent his (and my) interests in his care. It was expensive but worth it.
  2.  
    Velvet, your feelings are very normal. They do not adjust overnight. It takes time, longer for some than others. We the caregivers probably have more problems adjusting than they do. You can do this.

    Also, if you need to apply for medicaid, you need to be living in your home in order to protect that as an asset. Could you stay at your son's occasionally for the night?
    • CommentAuthoryhouniey
    • CommentTimeJan 8th 2014
     
    Velvet, my DH was in the NH over a month before he would finally allow them to shower him.Until them they would "bed bath" him as best they could.I had to agree to this,which I certainly did, bathing was the worst part at home,he would become very aggressive, which he also did at the NH. His menu at NH reads mechanically chopped,so all his food comes cut in cubes. I reused to place DH in an Alzheimers Unit,after 6mo.in this NH he is reacting with all the other residents and staff, you have to give him time and also give yourself time to adjust.We all want what is best for our LO,but it is some time hard to accept.Yes, you have to live in your home to protect it from Medicaid(we're not there yet but getting everything in place for when that time comes)Good Luck.
    • CommentAuthorVelvet
    • CommentTimeJan 8th 2014
     
    Good Morning: I did 3 posts yesterday but some reason they did not hold. Things were looking up once my son got him to eat a little bit.
    My daughter in law has been going twice a day and it is helping him to get more comfortable especially if she takes the kids with her. He
    really likes the little one and they take him cookies. She did say that he did have one bath and if we want him to have more than that we
    have to pay $25.00. I informed the kids that they can all chip in and learn how to do a bath. I have been doing them at home forever and
    I bet there facilities are much easier then mine. Total shock last night I got an email from my daughter and she asked to go there with me
    today. She hasn't been in our lives for about 10 years. There is a God. So far the weather is cooperating it is only 17 below but it did not snow over night so that is a good thing. We have
    had some outrageous weather in the last week, tons of snow, very low temps in the minus 30's and very strong winds. I really can't wait
    until winter is over. My son has been telling dad that I am sick and very tired and really need to rest. I did nothing but sleep for the first
    two days that I was home. I am going to take his favorite blanket up to him, it is a big fuzzy one that you just want to roll up in. I can
    only be there for two days and then have to get here for Dr. appointment and a thousand decisions of what to do next. I will post again
    once I get home. Thank you for all the great advise it calmed me down and made me think.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJan 8th 2014
     
    This is very good news. Keep up the good work, especially taking care of number one, you.
  3.  
    Aw, Velvet, bless your son and DIL for stepping up to plate. You needed rest and care, your son is right; soon enough you can start sorting things out. Here is a little poem I have always loved by Piet Hein:

    Put in a place
    where it's easy to see
    the cryptic admonishment T.T.T.
    When you feel how depressingly
    slowly you climb,
    It's well to remember
    that Things Take Time.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJan 8th 2014
     
    If you type up a post, especially a long one or one that takes a long time, often you will get signed out by the software. To save you post (if you don't want to do it in Word first) copy it. that way if you are timed out you can go back and paste it in.
    • CommentAuthorVelvet
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2014
     
    Update on my life. He really doesn’t want to stay because he keeps telling that he’s not crazy. We are telling that I need to rest because I am sick and that I have to deal with my hob and the try and find somewhere to live in a new town and he is accepting that. He has been eating good and sleeping well so that for me as a relief as he swore that he was going to starve himself to death. He just has to learn to ask for stuff like Boost and more to drink. He still has his sense of humor as he has a roommate and if there are puddles made on the floor by mistake he blames the other guy ad has a little laugh. I was up there for three days and came back home and did nothing but sleep for three days I just can’t get any energy. Guess I need a multi vitamin. I can’t seem to get my head wrapped around all the stuff that I have to do here. My old friend is coming up on Wednesday for a few days so that should really help get me in gear with what I need to do with all this stuff the has accumulated. I find it realy hard to start by myself and at least once I get a start I can proceed. Our weather has been the winter from hell from 40 below to 0 then with all the snow it then rains and makes the highways just impossible and in my older age I have turned into a real highway coward. My son is back from work tonight so he can spend some quality time with his dad this week and I will go up again on Friday. I will keep everyone posted to my new journey in life. Thanks for all the good advise.