Smart is over rated. There are tons of examples of very smart people getting into trouble where an eight year old would know better. It's like rich people. A common idea is that if you're rich you must be happy and yet a deeper look almost anywhere shows one doesn't necessarily lead to the other at all. It's almost as though the overall outcomes tend to be random. Some rich people are very happy and they win; but, some poor people are happier than those rich people. Mother Teresa felt a peace inside it seems that money never touched and Bill Gates who was a ruthless businessman one day had so much money he started giving it away seriously to worthy causes. He told his long time bridge partner and so Warren Buffett kicked in 20 billion of his own. That's right that's a b.
The world is littered though with people who got some success and then went spinning off into space. Very few have the internal resources to back away when they feel it moving out of control. We have to believe in ourselves is the rally cry and sometimes that's exactly what was needed - to hang on while the wheels come off and ride the storm through to the other side.
It's too bad in some ways that qualities aren't like medals on our chest or boy scout badges where when a person has earned an acknowledgement of a quality - it shows up somehow for all to see. This person was very trustworthy to me says one. This person can go above and beyond says another. This person is rich but still a twit (just kidding).
Here are a few:
Honor badge - this person kept their vow
Honor badge with clusters - this person kept their vow through hardship and sacrifice
Badge of courage steel bars - this person cared for an incontinent person above the age of four
Eagle wings - this person didn't physically beat up any of the Neanderthals
Solitaire with jade tears - this person endured the trusted turning their backs
Spinning Jack - this person paid all the bills all the way through so far
Star of Valor - this person lost significantly financially keeping their vow
Star of Valor, oak clusters - this person lost their house as part of the consequences
Morning Star - this person got depression keeping their vow
Morning Star, gold leaf - this person got over depression
Victory Star - this person sometimes feels good about themselves even accidentally
Imagine how shocked some of the walking wounded on this board would be to find all these medals on their chest. "I never thought about it that way" some might say. Start now.
Well, I've made my way to the Lodge again, looking for a little comfort and "joy". The place is beautiful with the fireplaces emitting their golden glow, the smell of hard wood burning and the crackling noises, laughter ricocheting off the walls. Old friends have joined the gathering - Carosi2* stopped by, Phranque, oh my, even ol don*...where have you guys been?
Is that MarilyninMD* and Emily* sipping champagne and speaking quietly in the vestibule? "Hi, come in and join us, you've been gone too long and we'd love to catch up"! Is lmohr and Bluedaze* here too? What a magical place!!!
The Lodge is warm and enveloping, like a cocoon; I will stay to escape my realities and indulge in the riches of friendship and shared experiences. Who made the moose stew? It's delicious...what's that you say? It's faux moose? What's faux moose? Is it like Beavertails? Someone from Canada help me here.
Wolf, please start the games again this year, no one cares if they win or lose. We just want to temporarily forget and have fun. And you are the master of fun.
Before I go, Merry Christmas to all of you, blessings to all, we can all celebrate this season of peace and joy. I am blessed to know you and learn from you.
Hi, everyone! (Huff huff) Man it's cold out there. Tried to arrive earlier but it's been raining and now snowing. Due for about 5" by morning. I'm lucky my chair is pretty good on the stuff when it's not much. lol. Looking forward to relaxing, visiting, and catching up. It's been a while. Hope there's room in the fridge for the custard I brought. Sometimes a mild, cool dessert is just what you want when there are so many other rich dishes. For now, let me get settled and warm up by the fire. I'm thinking I'll stick around for a little while.
I brought a huge plate of my famous spritz butter cookies, all beautifully decorated. I've made plenty for everyone. I hope someone has made some hot chocolate. I even brought a bottle of Annisette so we can put In a few drops. This will 'warm your cockles," Carosi. That fire looks so inviting, and I'm so glad to finally meet all of you. We're going to have a wonderful time.
Hi guys, I was watching Elf, Scrooge, Scrooged, Scrooge Who Stole Christmas, and the one scene in it's a wonderful life that I really like. George is on the phone while Mary is listening in and nasty grandma is upstairs and Mary chooses love and life over money and security because they have the hots for each other. I watched Will Ferrell (?) take his young lady out on a date where he kisses her on the cheek skating in central park and she tells him he missed and kisses him on the lips. I watched Bill Murray talk about Claire his old girlfriend on the TV and the ghost cabbie gets her to the studio in 3 minutes. Everybody is falling in love and I want it stopped. Naw, I'm just kidding. Carry on.
Nobody knows the troubles I've seen The troubles I've seen The troubles I've seen Nobody knows the troubles I've seen Take a pill and call me in the morning
That doesn't rhyme and I don't care I don't care I don't care That doesn't rhyme and I don't care On second thought don't call me in the morning
I probably shouldn't have drunk Drambuie right out of the bottle. Who knew?????
Shhhhh! The Celts arrrrre outside! They're mad at me for telling them to flock off. Actually, they're quite mad anyway. No birds involved atall. Yew see, thaer hartless and crrruel. Like a pack of wild dogs. Nipping at your heals. They're little wee things where people are always shouting at them because they think they're much farther away!
I'm not a Viking dammit! Who put these stairs here?? My mind says I need to go to bed but my body wants to take me to the kitchen. I saw custard in the fridge or something yellow I really don't know. And there are mousse ball thingies that smelt of rum...with chocolate! Or there were earlier anyway, anyway help! I'm stranded on these extremely large stairs and I bloody need a lift to the kitchen. Hello! Oh. I appear to be going up.
Maybe I should get in one of the Jacuzzi's. And maybe not. I could drown in a glass of water here. Best I just have a little lay down. Off with the shoes, off with the socks, off with the frilly neon panties...HA!
And not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse. For there was the Hun on the floor passed out. And in the air there was heard this sound. "I'm a doctor, Jim! Not a magician!" (hee-hee-hee)
I'll tell you what I won't be bringing: a bottle of Fernet-Branca. One of the kids shared a book with me called "Cooking with Fernet-Branca" (It is now on the shelf at the Lodge). At first I thought it must be a person like "Cooking with Julia Child." So then same kids sent a bottle of Fernet-Branca which we opened last night. Has anyone ever had this stuff? I'm not sure which it would kill first: the flu viruses or the person hosting the flu viruses! We had lots of laughs about the stuff, so on second thought, maybe I will bring a bottle just for the laughs and contorted faces.
I'm going to be setting up the board game, Settlers of Catan, in the game room this afternoon. After that, a new game called Bang! Come in and join the fun.
Well, last night having Christmas Eve supper with DD, s-i-l, and the three little grands, I expressed that I planned to move back to NY at the end of the summer. Consequences were severe: DD threw a hissy fit, refused to come to church with us (s-i-l and I wrestled the kids into unusually good behavior at Mass…yes, miracles can happen), and then she disinvited me for Christmas Day. No gift, either, I guess, not that I care. She pointedly gave me a wrapped package from the kids, then escorted me to the door, slammed it behind me and I heard her locking it behind me as I made my way through the pouring rain to my car. I went home and had a relaxing rest-of-the-evening, and am planning a nice day today (alone) reading, playing carols on the piano and harp, and taking a nice long walk in the woods. She wants me to take care of the kids and do the cooking so she can boot out s-i-l, and I just cannot be the enabler who makes it easier for that to happen. It is her business…she can do what she wants, and I'm not judging…but I don't want to be involved, and I want to go home.I'm giving her around 30 hours a week lately, and it's getting harder and harder to have my own life. Her nastiness when I do not do everything she wants me to do does not bode well for the future, when I'm older and more feeble and not so able to stand up to her. So here I am at the Lodge, not to bring my issues here…that's not what I meant. But just to socialize a bit, share a drink, see how everyone's doing…give Wolf a cup of hot coffee…or maybe a quart…ha-ha. Christmas is always nice, no matter what, and it's nice to visit my forum friends--people who really care.
elizabeth*: so sorry that your Christmas Eve turned out like that, but good for you for asserting yourself and managing your life now and for the future. Hopefully DD will get over it. You are spot on about the enabler issue and the sooner it stops the better it will be for everyone. You are a remarkable woman and a marvel at managing so many things (a dying husband AND babysitting three children!!). And you are still thinking about other people; making a big pot of coffee for Wolf. wink Here's to you, elizabeth*, "you're going to make it after all!"
elizabeth, I am so sorry. You daughter's disgraceful behavior (and on Christmas Eve!) does have one benefit. It removes all doubt about her motives and allows you to move ahead with a clear purpose and without second-guessing yourself. Thanks for letting us know what happened.
I just stopped in at the lodge briefly to say "hi" and to see if everyone was OK after the first stage of this difficult holiday. I'll be back tonight to check into my room and join in the games.
Brave, caring, generous of heart Elizabeth - do not think twice. Get back home and start your new life. There are quite a few people I'd like to slap the tar out of today but your daughter would be very close to the top of the list. You've more than earned your "Angel Wings" - go fly into the new chapter of your life.
I strongly agree with everyone's comments Elizabeth. You are simply being used and sounds like abused. Move yourself to NY.
So glad to be able to stop by here where everyone gets it.
Long story, but I am alone today too and that is an interesting experience. I bought myself some nice things to eat and will go for a long walk in the woods and along the beach.
Getting my cats earlier this year was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. They are great company.
So glad we can all connect on this site and in this lodge especially this time of year. Sending lots of support and love to all.
This is a great spot to just sit, sip and relax. Children can be so cruel and unkind. I often wonder where we went wrong. I hear others tell of their wonderful support from their children and I could cry.
elizabeth, why wait until fall to move? Do what is best for you. You have been through so much, you deserve to live where you will be happy. I heard a term of how to handle nasty relationships it was " kick them to the curb" LOL it sounds so stress relieving. Bless you in what ever you decide.
In jail There are a number of us who would like to " slap the tar" out of someone abusive. LOL I love your terminology.
Hugs
Jazzy
P.S.
Kevan is home for a visit and all us going well. He goes back tomorrow.
Terrible day today. The lunch at the memory care was nice, but my husband got mean afterwards and I left in tears. It was kind of amusing to see so many family members there, many of whom only visit once a year and were so self-righteous about how their parent must not be getting good care because the seem to have gotten so much worse since last Christmas...duh....
All in all, a very bad day for me, and I have a huge problem believing I will ever be okay again. Oddly (perhaps it's odd, anyway), I don't really care one way or the other. Tonight I am at the Lodge, safe and warm and among understanding friends, and the devil take tomorrow. Love to you all, and hugs all around!
Joni I feel so bad for you. You don't deserve this. None of us deserves this.
In my comments above I said what a good day we had, well just after I posted that, Kevan informed me that he can leave LTC anytime he wants to and that the POA I have for his care is not good until later and that I can't stop him from leaving. He says he wants to move to a hotel and look after himself. He has fronto with BV Varient, vascular and AD. What a mixture. I just don't know what to do next. I spoke to my son and he says to talk to the staff at the LTC and find out just what I can do. I can't do this anymore. If he leaves I think I will get a legal separation so I can make sure I have half the money to cover my bills and just let him go his way. It will break my heart but as one of the staff has said numerous times in the last year" he is going to put you in your grave". I think she is bang on. It's 02:07 and I can't sleep. He had a very bad nightmare tonight and now he is sleeping and I am up sitting in the lodge trying to get it together. At least there are folks here who understand all the ups and downs of our lives. He goes back to LTC in the morning and will likely not ever stay over again as it is to much for him and for me. Sad thing is he really believes he is not sick. Someone asked him if he was a volunteer at the LTC. Others have asked why he is there as they don't see his illness. He is a very good actor and puts up a good front until things don't go his way then all hell breaks loose. Oh well, another day in the life of a dementia caregiver.
Boy, am I glad that this lodge is here. Right now, with all the walking wounded streaming in, it is looking less like a Christmas Lodge and more like the emergency room of a major hospital. [Muttering to myself, . . . I'm worried that more trauma victims will start arriving here. This situation is way above my pay grade. I don't have any medical skills but I think marsh is a doctor. I wonder if I should call him? He can probably get here quickly, since his car is already heated up.]
OK, guys, give me a few minutes and I'll put on some coffee and fix a pot of tea. . . . . . . . I'm back, here's what I found in the kitchen - fresh-brewed coffee, a pot of tea, a tray of blueberry muffins, and a big bowl of mixed fruit. I'm bringing it all in here, so you can enjoy it next to the fire. Let me tell you about the lovely room Wolf assigned to me. When I arrived last night, the lodge was quiet but I found a room key with my name on it. As I requested, my room has a window overlooking the lake and there was a fuzzy cat on the bed. And just look at this cat! What a magnificent creature: large, calm, and dignified, with pure white fur. I’m going to call it “Fluffy.” Come on, Fluffy, let's see if there's any cat food in the kitchen for you.
Can't help you there, marsh, sorry. I'm the one that needs to sit near the fireplace with a fresh cup of coffee and that blueberry muffin. Oh yes, to make myself think I'm eating healthy include some fruit. I like kiwi and honey due - is that spelled correctly? I forgot for a moment, there's no judging at the lodge - all spelling and grammar is correct. I would welcome some cheerful conversation - that's been in short supply lately where I've been. Thanks for letting me come to the lodge.
Thanks, mary75*. I'll leave the medical work to you, the other nurses, and marsh. BTW, I am a little worried about Florence. She's had such a rough week. I gave her a cup of coffee, a blueberry muffin, and some kiwi and a slice of melon. Also, Fluffy sat on her lap and purred for about 20 minutes, just in case her BP needed to be brought down. I think Florence needs some cheerful conversation, too, but right now, I'm so tired. . . . . .
Come on, Fluffy, let's go up to bed. I can't wait to crawl under the covers. Yawn . . . .
Here comes Fluffy! I gave ashma and can't touch pretty kitties but here in the lodge all is well, so come sit on my knee and purr. Blood presure is up. Kevan told me he only told me he was leaving the LTC to hurt me, but didn't know why. So he is gone and I am back. No more overnight visits.
I have stolen a guest spot from George Streit's writings where his link is in the thread Note from an Old Man.
The Turkey Letters
When our dad was a youngster. He and his buddies would brew beer or something like it out in the woods and have all night parties drinking the brew and roasting a turkey over an open fire. It seems like our pop was the one who always supplied the turkey and he became an expert at stealing the biggest finest tom around.
After falling in love with our mom, and at her insistence, he decided to change his ways and enrolled in the Cleveland Bible Institute to become a preacher. From there, he wrote letters to all the farmers he had stolen turkeys from, offering to repay them and asking for forgiveness.
What we call the turkey letters, are the replies he received from the farmers. Most of the letters are so old and fragile, they can hardly be read, but I was able to make a photo of the first page of the two best ones and I also printed them so anyone can read them.
Mr. Geo. Streit Nov. 22, 1915 Polk Ohio
Received your letter and to say I was surprised is putting it light. For I never thought of you as one of the guilty parties that stole my turkey. I would like to have a chat with you when you come home, for I had a fellow spotted for doing that trick and would like to know if he wasn't one of the party.
We certainly do forgive you George. You know what the turkey was like and if you feel you ought to give us something for him, you may do so, but I will set no price. Will accept whatever you feel like giving. Your friend as ever J. S. Cypher PS May god bless you and ever keep you faithful.
Friend George. Jan. 12, 1916 West Salem, Ohio, R.F.D.
Will answer your letter that I received last Saturday. Was glad to hear from you, but was awful sorry to hear that you was one of the bunch that stole my turkey. I would not have believed it from someone else, but as it is coming from you I have to accept it as true.
Now George, you ask my forgiveness. I will forgive you with all my heart because now I think you are trying to do the right thing, but I want you to write and tell me just who was in that bunch because I have been blaming it all this time on altogether a different party and I have not treated them right. And then I have to go to this party and ask their forgiveness for the way I have treated them the last three years.
Well George, you wanted to know in your letter what I wanted for the turkey. I don't want any more than he cost me and that was $5.50 at George Camp's sale. He was a full blood bronze tom. And that was not the worst of it. We could not get another tom in the neighborhood that fall and so we had to take our hens to town and sell them and go out of the turkey business.
Now George, I thank you for being the man I think you are. I will always have faith in men that try to do right in the sight of God and Jesus. Your friend Ed Rickel
Thank you for putting this up Wolf. Thank you all for sharing and I send wishes for a bit of happiness in all of your holidays. I am usually so tired by the time I hit the hay at night I fall asleep before I can check in with everyone. But I am still here. My dh fell in the bathroom the last two a.m.s which he hasn't done for a year probably...so of course with only one bathroom we had to rig up a pot in the shed for peops who could not wait for his everlasting time of getting up off the floor. Sigh. Now all guests have departed and I am going to binge on music with my iTunes gift cards! Thanks for the Robert Frost he is one of my favorites and since it is snowing now I will walk in the woods today or maybe tomorrow! Maybe hibernation is in order!
Just stopping by for a quick break and to warm up by the fire. Thanks to all who have been so kind to me following the unfortunate situation with DD. I actually had a nice day alone on Christmas…neither she nor s-i-l called, stopped over, brought food, or anything else. (All the Christmas food was at their house, but fortunately I had enough things stocked up to be able to eat a decent meal.) On the 26th DD called very angry and insisting that I must stay in Ohio and babysit the kids or I would never see them again. She came over with s-i-l to pick up their family's bikes from my shed where they had been storing them, and she handed me an unwrapped gift. (Gourmet tea…nice to have.) Then the kids came indoors, as they know my door code, and all three had a drink of lemonade before their mom told them to give me a hug…the five-year-old said, "Because this is the last time we're going to see you, Grandma."
I am so numb I can't even feel any pain…just shock like I've been hit by a bomb. I have enough experience in human services to recognize elder neglect and abuse when I see it…and to dodge the bullet…but I never thought it could happen to me.
Ohl, Elizabeth, I cannot imagine! This is so terrible for you and for them. My prayers for you and for her to 'see the light' while there still time. God bless.
Elizabeth my heart goes out to you. I know from experience what you are feeling right now. I could never turn my children away from their Grand parents. Your right this is abuse but we have no recourse. Nothing we can do and with DH ill I just can't deal with anything else in my life rights now. So I just let them go.
Bless you! Take care of you. Maybe time will change her heart.
elizabeth, I am so angry I can hardly see straight. This is the same daughter for whom you bought a house? And for whom you provided babysitting and housekeeping services while you were caring for your dying husband? I have no words . . . .
Well, let's all just sit by the fire for a while and relax with a warm drink…whether it be hot chocolate or something a little stronger. I had a nice day today--drove a couple of hours to the middle of the state to visit with an old friend from elementary school, not quite "the boy next door," but we lived on the same road for years. It was nice to sit and chat with someone who has known me since childhood, and to meet his daughter and several relatives. We had a nice lunch, and he and his daughter were very interested in hearing about Larry in lots of detail…my old friend is only 67, but has had a bad stroke and has been blinded in one eye, so understood fairly well…about what living with chronic illness is like. And on New Year's Day I'm going to my cousin's for dinner and a visit with several of my other relatives who will be there, too. I'm just sitting here reflecting…as we socialize here in the Lodge…about which is worse--the exhaustion, heartbreak, and loneliness of caring for our loved ones with AD, or the grief and loss that come when they are gone. Or both. I do find that when people are nice to me…interested…supportive…whether online or in person…it is like coming in from the cold and sinking into a warm bath. I hope everybody here realizes that I am reading every single entry, even if I don't respond to everything…and sending support and care as best I can with thoughts, prayers, and hugs…so if you suddenly feel a lovely warm feeling that somebody cares and wants to help, that is me sending invisible rays of support through ESP. : D
Myrtle, yes, I probably divested too much too soon, but wanted to get rid of some money so it wouldn't just be lost to the spend down if Larry had to go on Medicaid. I am financially OK, but of course don't have as much flexibility as I did before.
"I do find that when people are nice to me…interested…supportive…whether online or in person…it is like coming in from the cold and sinking into a warm bath."
The board has a long history of doing that. I hoped the idea of a refuge at the lodge would be part of that. I think that feeling inside that there is something to believe in which offers us something back is big too. When the storms come where I'm having a really hard day today myself - we grasp for things to hold on to while the mind races through yet another crisis point - whatever that is.
I've had a melt down of my own where things I rely on went very wrong for me and while that doesn't involve Dianne who is realitvely stable right now, it was the thing that pulled my rug out and left me shaking to be honest. I was very fortunate to phone a friend who talked to me for well over an hour and helped me to settle down. I almost never phone anyone like that. I have twice now in the last month and as I type this I feel so lost it's all around me how much I try to do on will and how much the truth of what's happening is hurting me.
I'm sorry too for what you're going through Elizabeth. What you've written is much harder than what I went through today; yet it has brought me to my knees. I can't give you advise about what you've just endured. I do feel for you deeply just as others here do.
If it helps you Elizabeth, I have a high opinion of you. You seem to me to be trying to come to terms with the changes while looking for the things to believe in. I know it doesn't change the landscape right away so much as that it provides moments and realizations that good things exist. They do I believe and they can be found; but, it's a tough journey as we all know. We all just write and chat but I do believe in you; that you have the wherewithall inside to eventually come to better places (both inside and in the physical world). I have this opinion from listening to what you say and how you say them.
One thing I can offer is what you said about being financially ok. That's a big thing to have and it may mean you have choices in whatever move you make. That may not feel right now like what it actually is, which is that you can do some choosing in what then becomes your environment. When you can, perhaps try to start separating the hurt of what is from the future life that will be. You're going to be in it and anyone that can look around and see things the way you've shown me, can see that starting to look around in that same way about that future is going to show you things. When you can.
Same for me. I feel so bad I can't express it right now. But I'm hanging on and I mean to fight just as soon as I can get up. It's not that I believe in the lodge. I am the lodge. Everybody here is, posting or not. Solace we give our own soul. More accurately perhaps, solace we allow our own soul. I know what I believe in which is that I'm going down this road and whereas right now I'm just hanging on and parts of me are scared by how everything rips away and makes me cling to what I can - I also know the extent of that passes and then I can come out and build again.
My friend on the phone opened up widely for me. He told me all of them talk about what a horrible and never ending nightmare I am living and they all hope for my well being. I share this with you. Take some of this for yourselves that there are feelings for us and what we go through. As for me, whether I get taken down or not, I will never give up and since it's very unlikely all this nightmare will kill me, I will eventually find a path.
Wow. We are all in this crazy predicament, whether our spouses are alive or have passed. i had my three children visit. No grands yet, I can only hope for some in the future. Now I am back to care aides, work and taking care of DH in ALL of my spare time. Suffering from post-holiday letdown and loneliness. I live in Western New York and it is cold and rainy. NO SNOW! We actually prefer some snow to cover the dismal gray of the winter. Anyway, glad the lodge is still open. I am reading all of the stories. Tiring and sad, but we have each other to lean on. I am happy that christmas is over. New Year's does not pose such a big problem for me. I can deal with it. One lonely night and then back to "normal lonely". I have gotten used to the normal loneliness of caregiving, so New Year's is just another night. Christmas, however, is a whole season. Was very tired tonight and the diaper change before bed seemed more burdensome than it usually does. sigh. tired. Glad the lodge is still open. Peace to everyone.
Elizabeth* and Wolf, I respect you both so very much and my heartbreaks for each of you and what you're dealing with right now. I too wish I could help in some small way to ease your burdens. I keep you both, and all the others in my prayers. This is such a difficult journey we're on.
I'm back at the lodge to enjoy the warmth of the fire and conversation with good friends. It's nice to close my eyes, enjoy the smell of all the fresh evergreens and relax. Perhaps I'll stay at the lodge tonight....I found a charming room with a claw foot bathtub, so I'll grab some champagne from the fridge and some of the homemade chocolates from the kitchen and have a long, soaking bubble bath. Then I'll crawl in to the freshly made bed and forget for one night about my caregiving responsibilities. For all of you who might be staying over too, I'll get up early, put the coffee on and make omelets-there's a ton of food in the fridge! Oh, is that homemade bread I smell?
"It's not that I believe in the lodge. I am the lodge. Everybody here is, posting or not. Solace we give our own soul." Thank you for this Wolf when I read your eloquent words I sometimes feel like I am a child full of awe at the power of words then sometimes I feel like I am ripping off scabs and am surprised that there is still pain there. The lodge full of delicious Christmas smells deep in the wood..."pines and pines and the shadow of pines as far as the eye can see; a steadfast legion of stalwart Knights in dominant empery...sentinels of the stillness, lords of the last, lone land?" Solace we give our own soul.
I finally made it to the lodge. It was so hard for me to come and now that I am here, I know I should have come earlier. The cribbage tournament is on, I am getting lousy hands and trying to be a good sport. Sipping a red wine and having a couple of chocolates smothering ginger. After this I am going to attempt to do some snowshoeing .
I too, am so heartbroken especially for our Elizabeth* and Wolf, and also want to say, if it helps in any way, I admire you both so much. Elizabeth* you a such a fine example of handling your loss with grace, and still able to comfort us. I agree there is elder abuse going on with your DD and I only hope you can keep your head in the place, KNOWING none of this is your fault. Love you friend.
Wolf, of course I follow your journey. Being on "the other side", I can see the raw ups and downs. How very blessed Dianne has been to have you. I am still chuckling over the story of the lovers in the bush, and she is trying to get a better look. My kind of gal. Warm wishes, a tickle, a tease about something you may be wearing, and hoping your cats give you extra cuddles.
The lodge seems like the kind of place that no matter what comes our way, when we are there, there is no anger, no hopelessness, no pain, almost like heaven.
A little late but I made it to the soothing lodge. I trekked in through the fresh fallen snow. I saw lots of deer standing under the pines adding to the tranquility. Everything looks beautiful and the abundance of goodies that have been brought smell delicious. I am going to over Indulge and fix myself a plateful, and cup of hot chocolate. I think I will chat with *Elizabeth and Wolf sitting over by the fireplace. Elizabeth, I guess the old saying "Our kids step on our toes when they are little and step on our hearts when they are grown" is true. You lend so much comfort to me with your posts. Hopefully your DD will realize while trying to spite you she is also hurting your grandchildren. A Grandma's love is special and children know that. I've always thought that someone's cruelty may knock me down but I was not going to lay there and be a door mat. You, sweet lady, deserve freedom to live your life. Wolf your posts have made me laugh, made me think deeply about not feeling guilty, and have lifted my spirit too many times to count. Wolf and Elizabeth* are telling jokes and laughing like crazy. I don't think they will notice if I sneak over for a second plateful! Love to all of you and let's hope 2015 brings us a bit of happiness.
Alim, look further up the thread. ALL food at the lodge has no calories. Have a cajun shrimp roll. They're delish. Have five. I did.
One of the daughters of my best friend is anorexic. She was a lovely girl in appearance but that meant nothing. She should have seen how she really looked but she couldn't. Skinny as a rail, bones sticking out, disappearing when she turned sideways - but all she saw and all she knew was that she was a whale.
Some of us need electro shock therapy to learn. I do not. I know low self esteem and I know human beings far beyond the shallow dive almost anyone invests in understanding beyond immediate utility. I never listen to the evasions or the denials that what is absolutely clearly happening IS NOT HAPPENING because we don't WANT to see it.
That Lindsay is anorexic can be seen from about a hundred yards away. Yet at our lovely, chatty, and enjoyable parties and sleep overs - no one else noticed anything and half the women said it was me that I had a problem.
No it's not me. I'm just a lot less afraid and a lot more deeply willing than most people you're going to meet. My ego is so large that I truly believe I could develop and write a thesis in half a dozen subjects at least and be awarded master degrees in most of them. My ego does not fit into a building. Ok?
So let me tell you something my friends. I am Lindsay. I can't see myself either. No one can. I used an example I know hits home with women and throws all this in very sharp relief. The happy person is the fat person who accepts themselves and focuses on being. Where in deep long conversations you learn they know it would be better if they were thinner but that's not who they are and they not only accept that - they've learned it's actually not important in any way other than their own anorexic compulsions (which the slightly happier person does not have). Where it does not occur to the larger person that they don't have that because they're too busy looking down.
Another thing is when you're the person who steps up and does all the fancy talk - you don't win either. I'm keenly aware I snapped at Dazed and that LFL does not have the race she hoped for because it was fun. I do what I can but am shown every day how fragile and unknown it all actually is. I learned from the Dazed comment I made. I saw that I'm all balled up about stepping forward. I had this weird self conflict of what I want to do and what I need. I call it weird but I should say common. I'm a child at understanding myself and the only thing about looking around me anywhere is how sad the truth is about this aspect of life.
I'm going to show you something. Take your feelings out of the information. Elizabeth does not seek to babysit the troll offspring. Events are moving and her life was never going to be centered around being a live in babysitter. Elizabeth is actually looking for her own path. This hurts but she already knew her daughter's tendencies before any of this came up. My advice, now more stark, is to then start opening to her future which at this point in time means she should start to understand that at the very least. My adise to larger people who feel less because they haven't got thigh gap you can fly a plane through - is to see the beauty that you survive so have that massive bag of something and frigging enjoy that you want to and can for just one potato chip.
Thank you to everyone who spoke up for me or felt that. Life ripped through my trailer park and threw me and my little constructs across the field. I was destroyed again. The truth is life has that power at every moment I have existed and it will brutally show me that at any time. The truth is life is hard, not in foot pounds of grubbing just to get by which some also have to endure, but in it's unique way for each unique soul.
What do you expect when we know from almost the start that we're getting older and going to die? Does anyone want to know they have Alzheimers? No. But eight billion people pretend the truth isn't. Am I saying we should center our lives around our inevitable dying? No. I'm saying the unbelievable work humans do to pretend it's not like that is Lindsay looking into the mirror and seeing a whale.
The truth is we're all here and by that fact have the right to be ourselves. And that is why today it is me that is the hunter. I don't wring my hands about unknown tomorrows. I've read the book and know how it ends. I knew that when I was fifteen. But I am here now and I am me and it's my hand the pen is in.
I'm worth 20 million dollars said the triple AAA type with no time. You've learned nothing answered the pauper.
The troll offspring!? Hahahahahahahahahahaha. There is nothing like Wolf's posts. I'm not saying I understand them, I'm just saying there's nothing like them. And I'm not sure about that statement that his ego would not fit into a building. Someone with an out-size ego would not be as supportive as Wolf is to all of us, when he himself is grappling with the misery of being an Alzheimers spouse. Now, what do we have to eat? I've brought some white wine, if anybody would like some. Actually, that sounds good with the shrimp rolls. Oink.
.....Last night, as we sat around the fireplace, sipping a little wine from a big box that I brought along...... enjoying each other's company and listening to Wolf as he was going through his finest repertoire....We just sat there entranced in a world of fantasy, listening to every word he spoke......And Wolf talked on and on and on into the night, and we all wished he would never quit.....
Ha! For someone who takes none for himself you certainly are handing out the chocolates there George. I'll have one of those, thanks.
Anybody who thinks what they're doing is actually important or that it should be is an imbecile convulsing all over themselves and should consider letting go of the plug.
Nothing anybody I know did or will do means squat to life. Not Obama or Bush. Not oil. Not climate change (the earth has always changed but we have not always measured). The dust bowls of the 30's. The little ice age just a few hundred years ago. Greenland when the Vikings came, which then wasn't and now is becoming that again. Polar bears which are brown bears that adapted some time ago (genetics) and now have to go back. The importance of the specifics is near zero because all specifics and their references and their meanings will change.
What your great great grandparent actually did. Wait. On your mother's father's side. After all, you have sixteen great great grandparents. Who cares? No one. Maybe we could transport back there for a visit but we would scare them to death because every last thing we say and do would be alien to them. Women had their role and their place so don't be talking to them. Your notions of accepted reality would have you run out of town in an afternoon. Go back two more generations and you magnify that many times. Now travelling more then fifty miles from where you were born was very rare and notions about things were far stranger like that being in water was bad for you so no bath or shower - ever. Hold your nose.
There is one thing you share with them. Life is a struggle at times and that's the same throughout all the generations and feels the same to each of the individuals whichever of the 64 great great great great grandparents you chose. Whether you're squatting and wiping with an approved leaf or sleeping in a four foot six bed doesn't change how it feels to be you in the moment. Joseph and Mary were looking for a room in the inn because they were travelling. If there was a donkey then Joseph already was a man of property. He had a pregnant wife near birth time and wanted a place to shelter. They probably were looking for dinner too but we don't dwell on that. They also had to go to the bathroom but nobody talks about that. Whatever else came about that night, Mary and Joseph were human beings soon in need of diapers. All this is obvious and the vatican would have no problem with these trivial facts.
I mention all this not just to entertain George. I mention all this because I know that I'm not squatting outside somewhere wiping with some leaf. I'm sitting on a throne reading a magazine taking as long as I want and I have triple ply downy soft plush paper. I pull a lever and hey presto! I'm not eating turnip and hedgehog when I can get it. I can push buttons and people show up at my door with hot food.
I don't buy the importance of any of this. I know it's spiritual/emotional state. I always feel deep down that I'm in trouble about something. That I'm going to get caught in some way. That things are disappearing. My crisis of a few days ago was that my new computer broke for the third time in a month. Now while I'm watching over Dianne my computer is my lifeline to everything. I have no cell phone because I didn't get a call on it for over a year and cancelled it. So I sit here or leave a forwarding number with the nursing home. It's only this year I feel well enough to see that none of that makes sense as a life in the long run. I have to think differently because she can't possibly hang on much longer and after that I'm going to need some meaning eventually,
As I explained to my kind friend, it has nothing to do with the computer. It was one straw too many. I sat down knowing she was formally dying and then she ate again. I finally made funeral plans. Then she stopped eating again and again we went through the formal change in her care and she started eating again. Then I got the email from my SIL informing me she had a fever (because I wouldn't know that) except I went through the negative urine test and the fever showing up and the urine test now showing positive and the five days of anti biotics and that it cleared up but she didn't know about palliative care and so I blasted her and the family which tastes terrible sargent no matter how I feel about being justified. I can feel the strain and when the computer acted up and went - I spun out. I was shaking so hard for a while on the phone I sounded like a kid in the water too long. I think I had an anxiety attack.
I'm sure my great whatever from whenever would have some great advise none of which I would get here (you should see someone/take something about that). The truth is that anxiety was earned by extraordinary circumstances and when you have one of those you survive them. When they come more frequently and in more normal situations then yes go and see a doctor. I've got my feet up again. I can always buy a cellphone in minutes if I want.
In this big empty the best thing is to find interests. Not so easy normally and less easy in the grips of this at the point we're in. If it were easy retired people would quickly be happy. Interview enough of them and you find that's not the majority of cases. In the majority of cases it takes some time to accept and adjust. Some 'stay busy' and some have a good time overall. New interests aren't that easy often and new people take some doing. But small things are lying around and learning to open to small things helps us learn how to open. Was it Jan K who wrote that the link with Rita Hayward and Fred made her get some black and white movies and she liked them. Give small things a chance where I look for things inside and alone. I opened to movies. I opened to the daily paper. I opened to treats for me. I opened to the local basketball team last year and take a look who's in first place in the NBA east? My Toronto Raptors who are going to get beaten in Portland tomorrow. It starts at 10pm but I'm allowed to stay up late. I'll have my pillow and a blanket. I care about them. I've become a fan. All because I opened one day last year and kept with it and I promise you it is real and rich now. Roll tide!
Now imagine living in 1890 lets say and it's the middle of the night and it's freezing cold out there and you have to go to the bathroom. Which is an outhouse suitably far from the back door. At least there might be a Sears & Roebuck catalogue. Oh look. Frilly undies for nineteen cents. Outrageous.
The stress you've been under as Dianne goes up and down is beyond belief. At least when Larry started to actively die…he went ahead and died. And that was bad enough. Yes, you earned that anxiety attack, Wolf.
Hey Wolf........... .....I just want you to know how much I appreciate your writings. You say so many things that make me feel good. Helen and I always felt like we got gypped because although we had three kids, we only had one grandchild, While all of our siblings had grandkids galore. .....You just made me realize that I have sixteen great, great grandparents....Wow....Now I feel much better. ....................GeorgieBoy
I've been spending time here on Alzspouse and reading through threads, when I haven't been vegging here in the Lodge. Visiting and soaking up the peace of being in famiiar places with understanding friends. I needed it. It's been 2 and 1/2years since I stopped being a Caregiver/Spouse. Iv'e healed a lot from the stress of that job. The house is gone, China and I share a little apartment. My A1C has dropped from 6.9 to 5.8; BP from the 140's over 86-90's to 128-30 over 68-72. I've been able to add back several foods my IBS had denied me. Funny how stress can affect you and how reducing it can help. The CMT opened my eyes rudely to what it had stolen while I was busy Caregiving. It has my attention now as it It has brought me to another crossroad. There has come a time when going to the Dr. will not "fix" what ails you or what's hurt. There will come a time when then fixes in place will no longer work. Who wanted to learn that? I'm getting older-regular check up on eyes every year; expected a change in prescription, it's been 3 years since the last change. NOT expecting a referral to a surgeon for cataracts---whoa! I'm worklng on an application to earn my MBA. Now that I've aged out of the Social Security Disabi00lity and am on regular Social Security I can earn as much as I want---ridiculous. lol I'm not as far as I'd hoped to be in getting into the social scene, but I'm, working on it. We've done 2 Riverbank Runs, and will do anther this coming May.
I've said before, and now again here, our lives are like books. Losing Ron closed one chapter. There is so much I want to see and do. I can see so clearly how my early years dealing with CMT built strengths in me for being Ron's Caregiver and being his Caregiver has built different strengths in me for continuing my battle with CMT. I've found CMT support groups and been making friends there as well. Just as with ALZ someday there will be treatments and cures for CMT. We are all in a similar battle---awareness and then treatments and cures. I'm expecting good things in 2015--for all of us. Goodbye 2014! CHEERS, 2015! "
Hi Carosi2*, I'm so happy you're here. It's been kind of quiet at the Lodge lately. And it's nice to finally meet you in person. What good news to hear that you're in better health than you were during your years of caregiving. It certainly proves the point about the damage that stress will do to our bodies, and probably to our minds, too. May I ask what a Riverbank Run is? It sounds rather strenuous.
I read some of your earlier posts and I see that "China" is a cat. What a lovely name! Did you bring her with your or leave her in your apartment? I don't have a cat right now but there is one here at the Lodge that I named "Fluffy." I don't know where Fluffy is -- maybe in my room, sitting on the windowsill and looking out at the lake. Well, enough about cats. . . .
I've brought some sparkling wine to toast the New Year with and some chocolates and pears to nibble on. It's only 10 o'clock. Should we try to stay awake until midnight or do you think we should pop the cork and wish each other a Happy New Year now?
Let's pop the cork, Myrtle, and get started on that champagne. It will be a miracle if I can stay awake until 12, much less starting a glass of champagne that late. Fluffy snuck out of your room and is up on the table sniffing those chocolates…get down, Fluffy, you pretty little white, long-haired thing. No not on my black slacks….aaaugh! Hello, Carosi2, it's nice to see you. Good thing the roads were clear. I'm thinking a lot of Larry today…somehow leaving 2014 when I still had him seems like a huge, big leap into 2015…the first full year when I won't have him. We always enjoyed New Years, though…for several years we always got together with friends for dinner at a local, historic restaurant. (The one that the British burned during the American Revolution.) Then we would usually hop into bed for champagne and TV watching the ball drop in Times Square. Good memories, God bless him.
For some reason tonight I thought of our first New Year's Eve together. We were 19 years old and we were with some equally aged persons. Ours was a "dry state" and no one knew a bootlegger. How silly we were. We were never drinkers ever but I guess at that age it seemed really daring to even suggest it. Never know when memories will pop up and this one did bring a smile. My stay at the lodge has been so relaxing and having dear friends to chat with so comforting. This is the one place where I needn't pretend and I may stay around a day or two, I hope others will too.
I'm staying up until midnight too. It's 11:15 right now.
I was sitting there alone, and don't get me wrong I can go out, I've been invited places, I can fill in the time, I have my moments of fun, I'm so much better than two years ago I look like that after person in a pimple cream commercial normally $250 but for the next hour just $29.95 and then they show some grotesque closeup that almost makes you reach for the flipper and then they show you the after where the person isn't so close to the lens they look like their nose is a rhino horn and their normal pimples aren't magenta.
But I'm not happy. What two dimensional wanker would think I'm happy? My friend who lost her husband (and she didn't lose him what a freaking language twisting in all over itself so we don't have to say nothing real) almost two years ago and threw up on my elvis outfit at the latest party making sounds like an overacting Linda Blair in full undertoad hiss "You aren't paying enough attention to me". And she doesn't mean sex or friendship- she means houseboy kind of role. Because what I'm going through means NOTHING to her.
Well, let me tell you something there you little hippo with the mental midget thing in full upchuck - we were taken into the alley every freaking day and got our heads kicked in and THEN our spouses died. You got nothing!
I was sitting there alone once again with that feeling that I'm not going to make it. That I don't want to go through the rest of life like this. That I'm not being melodramatic or trying to unload my problems on someone else - I just know that I don't want this. Not like this. It won't be like this my head answers. It IS like this, it HAS been like this for eight years, it is going to be like this for a while. I'm so lonely and so empty inside I don't get wet when I go out in the rain because even the waterdrops know there's nothing there.
I had love and life so large that I make Warren Buffet look like a pauper and when that goes and it goes like this that sh*t rips you up and spits you out. It shreds you into pieces and it destroys your world. He worshipped the ground she walked on and when she died he said oh well and met somebody else. NOT POSSIBLE!!! I don't speak for anybody else and I don't even know anybody else but in my world that is NOT POSSIBLE!
I'll tell you what's possible. I keep climbing this mountain. My wife hasn't even passed from this ricidulously cruel disease and I'm already miles past my friend who "lost" her husband almost two years ago because I'm not in denial and I'm not actually coming down on those close to me because they're not entertaining me enough and I know I have miles to go before I sleep and much of those miles makes me want to throw up but I'm going down that road and I'm going to suck it up even after Dianne gets "lost" and there isn't anything that stops me from just spinning off into space and either doing something crazy or just smoldering like so many other grumpy old men who don't even need a reason.
I'm going down that road and I'm going to find a reason. I had love and losing love I am not going to hate and I'm not going to just dry up like old wood. I am; but not just.
Happy New Year my dear fellow travellers. Notice that when we sound like we're ok then we must be ok and when we sound like we're not then we must not be. Have you EVER heard anything so dumb???? We are all these things all the time and I have a little tiny bird in my big brute hand and I mean to see it safely to the other side. That is worthwhile.