Hi all Well there is quite a nasty flu going around Ontario and so many of our family either have is or have been in close contact with it. The LTC rules are" if you have been or think you have been in contact with the flu in the last five days, then stay home" These rules are so important to protect the residents and I fully agree with them. My son and his girlfriend were to come here tomorrow to visit and bring presents and take me out for shopping and lunch and I was so looking forward to it as they live an hour away, but she has the flu and so no visit. With it being so close to Christmas and we have plans for DH to come and spend Christmas with me, that I can't take the chance on his taking this bug back there. So many residents are so very frail that I am so afraid one or more get it and die. If someone takes it in there then they will lock the place down and my DH will not be coming and he is looking forward to it. That we can deal with, but I would feel awful if I were to take that to them. So maybe I will spend Christmas alone, and there will likely be tears but that is alright, I will survive. My big girl panties will have to come out of the cupboard and I think I will choose the Christmas red ones with the bright green ribbons and the gold lace. Won't I just look snazzy? I guess that is why I am called Jazzy on line.
Oh never mind, I just hung up on him. He is after me to get out and make a life of my own but he wants to control everything. He seems to think that I can just go into the cafe at the seniors centre and just plop my butt down at a table full of women and that will solve the problem. I just moved here two weeks ago and everything is now closed until January 06. He really ticked me off. He can just go anywhere at the LTC and join in but it is not that easy in the real world. Besides I am really shy when I first meet people so that doesn't help either. There I go ranting but it sure feels good. I think that making friends at my age will be very difficult as well as having him to visit all the time will be hard to find a group that will I will fit into. This fronto is a big problem. They try to control every aspect of everyones life and if you try to justify your reasons for doing things a certain way that is not his way, well look out, "Mr I'll show you how to do it the right way" will just try to take over. Yes I am really upset. I don't drink alcohol but if I had some in the house I think I would try it tonight. I could go out to the Legion and I will have lots of chances at a new life as there are lots of single guys hang around there and they would be more then willing to help me build my new life, but that is not me and I will just be with him even though he is fronto and trys to control. Well I guess I have let off enough steam for now. Thanks for listening. Whoops!! I forgot the fishnet hose. Black with sparkles. thanks for the reminder Bluedaze!! LOL Hugs Jazzy
I am glad the rant felt good. You are certainly more than entitled. My husband had FTD too and I don't imagine there is anything I can say other than that I understand.
" He seems to think that I can just go into the cafe at the seniors centre and just plop my butt down at a table full of women and that will solve the problem."
If I was sitting here with a drink, any drink, I would have sprayed it all over the computer screen.
Jazzy, I had logged on to this thread to say how sorry I was to read that some of your plans for the next few days, with your son, and possibly with your DH, would be upset because of the flu that is going around. I am waiting for it to hit locally - then I expect the Day Center will close down (although after tomorrow its closed for the next two weeks anyway). And I know that when it gets in to the extended care facility, it can be quite serious. So you are wise not to take the chance that you might bring it in with you. But you do need to socialize and I know how disappointed you are that you have to cancel the plans you made with your son to go shopping and out for lunch. But then I read your rant, and I am even sorrier about how your DH has treated you. You deserve to rant, and vent, and I hope you did feel better after you got some of it off your chest. Now, a wardrobe suggestion. If you are wearing black sparkly fishnet stockings, don't forget the shoes with the 4 inch heels - I suggest gold to match the lace on your panties! :-)
Okay Jazzy, here's the deal: I want you to march right over to your undies drawer, put on those red panties with the green ribbons and the gold lace, get those racy black fishnets on and then walk over to your refrigerator and take out that big bottle of virtual wine that I just know you've got hiding behind the apple juice. Put on some soothing music, light a few candles, take a deep breath and RELAX!!
I'm so sorry things are difficult right now. I sure know about the controlling aspect, although thankfully my DH isn't awful about it. He just hates it when I lay down on the couch and try to take a late afternoon nap, wants me to sit up and watch TV with him, I'm not allowed to close my eyes! It's like dealing with a three year old.
Hang in there -- this too shall pass. (((Hugs)))!!
Thanks I really needed to get that stuff out and in the open. There is just no one that sees the things we go through as care partners. It's go make a life for yourself but what about Dad or Mom? You have to go and visit! You can't just leave him there. Then you go and visit and he is either the nasty one or hugging and kissing you. You just never know what you will face. I have been told to leave because it has been an hour and a half and that is long enough or I have been told why don't you like coming to visit me in my place? You don't like it there do you? One time it is I feel like I am in prison here and the next it is this place is great. I really need to be here. I think I am going to end up there after a massive stroke. My ears are buzzing so bad. They have told me it is fluid behind my ear drum but I am getting concerned that my blood pleasure is up way up. I have to wait to find a Dr. But I think I will go to the walk in clinic across the street and have it checked. Maybe even at the drug store. Thanks for listening
Yep Jazzy,I do hope you can get to see a doctor about your ears and blood pressure. When the caregiver or care manager is physically sick everything else just explodes. My DH was never controlling and now is completely non verbal. I have the ability to imagine that he is thinking good thoughts about me. (I hope). Your situation has to be extremely stressful. You are danged if you do and danged if you don't so you can't ever have peace of mind. I am hoping things get easier for you. I must say that you ladies made me laugh out loud when I read about your chosen cyber outfit! I just imagined my flabby body in such an outfit! (that would be a frightful sight). Thanks for the laugh. Hang in there Jazzy. We are all here for you so come back and rant anytime you feel like it.
Sometimes it feels like I am on a ship in the center of the ocean and I am hit by a big wave and tossed all over, then the waters at calm, but you never know when the next big wave will hit and toss you about again. That is the hard part of this. I just never know or can prepare for the next big wave to hit, so I can never be calm and settled. I have to always be on my guard and be so careful what I say or how I say it. When things are going good for a longer period, you tend you forget that this won't last and tend to go back into that " he is not sick" mode, but he is sick and you have to always be careful. That makes for a very tense life and hard on our health. Sometimes he is just like he was before this disease took him into that other world. Jazzy has to be careful to never forget that " the disease" is running her life now and walk and talk carefully. No more spontaneous actions or conversations. Always be on your guard. Always watchful. Damn disease! I just hate it! He can be so manipulating. When he wants to come to my apartment he can be so sweet and loving but so pushy and demanding and selfish. When he is around I have no say, it is all about him. I get so sick of it. That is when I miss the man he was so much and it breaks my heart. Now he says" there is nothing wrong with me, it's you that is sick" then he says " you know, I need to be living here because I need all the care I get here". It's that aggressive behaviour that is so hard to live with and the all about me and my way only that is so hard to live with, even when he lives there and I live here. He still wants to control my life. Boy am I ever on a rant tonight. It's 02:30 maybe now I can sleep. Nite all! Thanks
Last night my DH was talking about getting together with one of his male friends for coffee. He asked if I would drive him there. I said "yes". He asked if I would drive him home too and I said "absolutely". He then said "Well then I guess I could take a bus if I have too". (W H A T ??!)
I don't drink alcohol either but there are times I wish I did.
So sorry about the cancelled plans and flu season. I love the idea of the panties, lace, stockings and heels. That certainly would get a reaction at the Legion! haha
Jazzy, your analogy of being a ship tossed at sea is perfect as a description of what it is like to be a caregiver, and we aren't talking the good ship Lollipop here either! Every day is different, some are calm, some are turbulent, sometimes you think you are drowning in a sea of chaos and stress, and at other times you can float along as if there was nothing wrong. But beware of the sharks just below the surface! Hanging on to our own sanity is difficult, and this board certainly helps.
Well that hanging up sure caused a stir. He now says I am again taking over the roll of caregiver and that is the reason he went into LTC was to nit have me as his caregiver. One minute he is calling me telling me about all the things I need to fix for him and the next it is get out of my life. What a mess!! He tried to call me back last night but I was in the living room watching Tv and I had left the cell in the bedroom so I didn't hear it and when I saw his call it was after 22:00 and I couldn't call him back. He was in a real state and didn't want to get up. I finally got him calmed down and now I guess I will have to allow the brow beating for a few days on how I interfere in his life and all that s""t. It is ok for him to tell me all the things that I am doing wrong in getting this "new life" going but bit I better not comment on his life. No! No! Not allowed. Maybe instead of moving here I should have gone south with the snowbirds?? No, I couldn't do that.
bdq Sharks are really there and they are called Dementia behaviours!!
Hi All Dh called tonight and started to do his overbearing bully thing and I told him to stop or I will hang up, so he backed off. It worked. I feel like such a bully when I do that but I have to stop being bullied. I had a bad night last night as my ears are filled with fluid so today my DD came and took me to an Urgent care clinic and they are referring me to the ENT clinic at the Hospital. My balance is not good so no driving or walking to the store across the street alone. I am better today but really tired. We are going to have three days of bad weather so with my not being able to drive, DH will be staying at the LTC until Tuesday and if I have to I will send a Taxi for him if the LTC says it is alright. He says he will walk with me to finish up our dinner shopping across the street. I guess I need to get tough with him sometimes. Thanks for listening to my rants and all your comments. You just don't know how much I needed your supports and caring.
We are about to have a major ice storm that may be as bad as the one in 1998. When I spoke to DH about the possibility that we will be spending Christmas with him in LTC and me here at the apartment, he just said " oh well, we will just do the best we can" There was no concern for my safety anymore and that is just not him. He would have been making plans to get me to a place " just in case" that is gone now as is his own no sense of danger. This bad weather has brought out so many symptoms that have not shown their ugly heads for a while now and it is hard to watch. I'm not concerned for me but I just feel so sad for his losses. I just found out that the Social Worker at his LTC facility is available to family members as well and I have been talking with him and he has given me some new protection ideas. These are to protect me from being bullied and bossed around anymore and it sure helped to talk to him. We will be meeting up in the New Year. I'm told he is very good. He said I should not let him know what I am doing or not doing with my time but to forget the phone when I go down stairs to do laundry or be vacuuming or what ever. Maybe I was out with a friend having coffee and turned the ringer off. Anything to keep from always being available and this is going to be hard for me to not always be there for him. I will be thinking " what if he gets afraid that I am hurt and panics, or thinks I have abandoned him, but I am told to not worry about that as they will take care of him. This is so difficult , isn't it?
It's bad enough that it's Christmas and we are going throughout quite a bit of painful times without being stuck in or family not able to visit. I guess if the power goes off it will be cold beans and cereal for a day or two. DH is fine as they have back up generators so I am not concerned about him. With no power he will not be able to see me on Facetime but the phone will have to do. I put a few jars of water in the fridge just incase. I just hope it is not as bad as the last one.
Jazzy, I think as hard as it is, the social worker gave you good advice. You have to make yourself less available to your DH, for your own health and sanity. The LTC facility will take care of him. Remember, the reason he is there is because they can look after him better than you can. This does not mean that you have abandoned him, or that you have ceased to love him. It doesn't mean that you cease all communication with him - perhaps there could be a set time during the day when you would answer the phone if he calls. But if he gives you abuse when he calls, you are the one getting hurt. A friend of mine once gave me good advice on how to handle people who hurt you - "take away their permission slip". This isn't easy, and I have spent years trying to learn that lesson.
OT, we are expecting snow here, not freezing rain. I do hope that your power stays on - I remember the ice storm of 1998. I expect that our power will go off at some time during the weekend, (its a frequent occurrence up here) and my DH and I will be sitting in the dark, huddled by the wood stove to stay warm. That will be hard, but we've done it before!
bqd, I like your friends comment about taking away their permission slip. Some time ago, we had someone post that they did not allow their spouse to abuse them in this way by saying, "I'm ending this phone call. I'll be glad to talk to you when you are ready to treat me with respect." Or words to that effect. And then she hung up. It worked. Is it Dr. Phil who says we teach people how to treat us? I know we have the extra factor of our spouses mental illness, but I still think it works to "take away their permission slip." At least we've removed ourselves from that particular episode. I'm just throwing this comment in for discussion: is it a Canadian trait for women to not stick up for themselves? Jazzy, you and I are all Canadian. I've lived and worked in the USA. I have many Australian friends. My observations are: Canadian women tend to appease their men, and it's not really good for the woman. American women consider themselves to be equal and don't put up with a double standard. Australian women know their men are a bit of a bluster, but don't let on, and therefore, handle them well. I fully expect to be shot down for these views. And, yes, things have changed, and I'm coming from an older generation. But what do you think? Australian women know they are better than the men, but don't let the men know that.
I think your right, we just give and give and they take, but with dementia involved it makes it harder to hang up or walk away. We tend to try to make allowances for their behaviour. I sometimes forget that he is ill and expect him to behave as he did. He really suffers if I fight back even gently. His feeling really get hurt and he won't eat or sleep and refuses to get out of bed, or he will get even more nasty. Catch 22 for sure. I always seem to walk on eggs around him and that is very stressful. With all the bad weather and my ears causing a bit of balance problems, I have not been able to get down to see him and it may not be possible until Tuesday. It has been good for me as I just sit and knit and do housework. There are people out there is much worse shape then I am, so I shouldn't complain. He could still be home, not in LTC and that would be really bad for me. I love him dearly, but for the first time in 43 years I am glad he is there and not here. Sad fact, isn't it. I miss him that he was!! The power is out now and the ice is getting worse but I still have Internet but no TV. When it comes back on I will have to microwave a big dinner as you just never know. Good thing I like iced tea and coffee. LOL
Hugs Jazzy
bqd Enjoy that wood fire, I have no heat right now?
Jazzy - I hope you have lots of candles...they will give off some heat. I'll be watching the weather channel to see how you are making out. Wolf are you in the storm too? I like how you are handling him....setting your boundaries. When I go into see hubby and he starts getting mean I just up and leave. You tell me to F off well not problem I'm gone. Same with phone calls....Can you come and get me...no....well f you! I just hang up.
Mary - I think you're right about how women and men interact in different countries. Though my experience with Canadian women is not that we are trying to appease them but if I don't say anything he will just go away. I don't have the energy and sometimes don't give a s**t to waste on arguing with him.
I'm just digging out from the latest snow storm here. Time for a hot toddy! Stay warm everyone.