I received a call on Monday that they can place my husband in the facility that I chose as my number one but wanted to do it right before Christmas. I couldn't agree to that as I do not want every Christmas to be remembered that way especially for the grand kids. After a lengthy discussion they have agreed that if I pay for the room they can hold it for me so our date in December 31st. the first day I was very upset and began doubting if I should do it. I sent email to family and close friends and they all told me not to wait as it might be up to a year before the opportunity arose again. My dilemma now is that this has never been discussed with my husband because he is a very stubborn person and I know that he will dig his heels in and my life would be hell. I do not have a clue at this time how I am going to get him there and I am losing a lot of sleep trying to think this out. anyone's experiences would be greatly appreciated at this time. I do know that it is what is best for both of us. I can only be superwoman for so long and I am getting very worn out and exhausted but he doesn't understand that. Just typing this makes my heart very heavy. I have been with him for 50 years and it is so hard for me to make this move I have never been a quitter and right now that's now I feel. The only good thing is that both of our children are now in the same town as the extended care and I will have to now get in gear and see how that I can move there, it is 1 1/2 hrs. from where we live now. I also have a job that I need to quit and new housing to look into. At least my January will be busy. I will post more later after I think this out for a while.
Velvet, I am sorry you are at this point, but it happens. My first idea would be to contact your husband's physician and ask for a med to calm him during the transition. It can be started a few days ahead of time to mellow him out and then given for the first days in the facility. It might make the move a little easier. Rely on your children for help......and know that we are here thinking of you in this troubling time and hoping for an easy move.....
Hi Velvet, Believe me I can totally understand what you are experiencing. I agree that perhaps starting him on a relaxing medication before may be a good idea. I did not do that but ended up getting him on something after he was placed. You are doing the right thing. Know that it is normal to second guess yourself but like you I was getting exhausted being superwoman and he not understanding any of it. What Sandi says is correct. Lean on your children. I know I did. They helped me move his stuff in and have provided support afterwards. Transitions are difficult but you will get through it. Try to take one day at a time. Remember that you are never alone but change, any change, is difficult. We are here for you.
Velvet, yes I agree you should get him on some meds to mellow him out to help make the transition easier. Regarding the other issues such as a move, quitting a job, etc., I suggest that you wait a few months before making that decision. I know you'll want to see your husband once in the facility but many facilities tell families to wait a few weeks before visiting and you may find that's the way you want to handle it. Of course, it's your decision and you have to do what's best for you and him.
I would take your time assessing what major changes really need to be made, even consult your children for other opinions. You're going through a major life change moving your husband to a facility, you don't want to have a job change and moving to deal with at the same time. MAJOR stress.
My thoughts are with you and your husband. I pray the move goes smoothly for you both. You can tell him it's the doctor's recommendation that he move into the facility so he doesn't blame you.
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. My husband too, would never have willingly been placed. Circumstances dictated otherwise and he went from hospitalization to rehab to placement. Of course those experiences had their own stressors but before that, while he was still at home I felt exhausted, apprehensive and fearful much of the time.
I must echo LFL's advice. I didn't catch if you enjoy your job or not. But, to leave it, AND move at the same time is more than daunting. Especially if you add looking for other housing; will you need to look for other employment as well? Another poster here whose husband is in placement has shared that she spends days with him and then returns to her (their) home for another period of time. Since your children are close to where your husband will be, maybe they can be a touchstone for you...and maybe you won't have to move right away.
I guess I am thinking about it this way: you can leave your job and move full time later but once you make those changes they will be pretty much impossible to undo.
When I read your post a few hours ago, the first thing that struck me was that you were planning to quit your job and move to the town that your DH will be in. I don't have any experience in having someone placed, as I still take care of my DH at home. However, I do know a lot about life's stressors, and by trying to get him placed, and thinking about moving and quitting your job, you are taking on too much all at once. Especially when you are already worn out and exhausted from looking after your LO. Take one step at a time. Get your hubby settled into the home, assess the situation with respect to how often you feel you should visit him, the willingness of the children to help out with visits, or providing you a "home away from home" when you do visit, and then decide whether you want to quit your job and move closer, or remain where you are for awhile.
Take some time for yourself to rest and recover. You deserve it!
Velvet, I remember questioning myself as to whether I was doing the right thing by placing my DH, but once a room became available I took it. Because my DH couldn't process information at all, I did not tell him of the move ahead of time. But once we arrived at the facility, I told my DH that we were going to be living in this new 'apartment' because it was too difficult to take care of everything in our home. I told him that his room was here and mine was on another floor. I never brought my purse in when I went to see him because I just wanted it to seem like I'd just been out of the room. When I left, I always told him that I had to go to work. Because he remembered that I work, that excuse always worked - and still does today. I visit him a lot so that he doesn't feel abandoned. I know that part is going to be difficult for you in the beginning, but hopefully your children will be able to step into your shoes a bit.
I do not view placing my DH into an ALF as quitting. I take very good care of him and he knows that he's loved. As people have said time and time again on this site, putting the daily grind of caregiving into the hands of the professionals leaves us with the best part - becoming a spouse again so that we can spend our time loving them. It's not easy but sometimes it's necessary. Good luck to you.
I can relate to what you are going through, as I am still adjusting to my husband's placement. Sid was in tremendous pain from neuropathy, bone on bone knees, broken vertebrae in his back, etc. etc. The pain medication helped, but he was always complaining of pain, so when it was time for placement, I told him that he was going to "rehab" for a few weeks for intense physical therapy to try to get his pain level under control. He readily agreed to it. That excuse only lasted for one day, and he caused quite an uproar at the facility. He yelled and screamed and threatened, and carried on terribly that I had to get him out of there. The doctor doubled his Risperdal, and that calmed him down.
Resistance is to be expected, but eventually, with time and medication, they do adjust. I think it took Sid about 10 weeks, but he has adjusted. As for me, I'm still working on it. Once he is placed, please visit the "sticky" at the top of this page - For those with spouses in facilities - it has helped me tremendously.
Velvet, I am so sorry you are facing this. I must apologize that at this moment in time I am just not able to wade through those memories to try to help you.. it still remains the most difficult thing I have ever done. But here is a link to some of what I shared here.... http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=1202&page=2 there are other threads here that might be able to help you as well.
I agree with Sandi* wholeheartedly! Medication BEFORE admittance could have helped save us a lot of trauma. I know we do not want to give our loved ones medications, but do know that the facility will not hesitate to give him drugs and if reacts badly they will not hesitate to send him out to a hospital for medication adjustments. If your doctor can give him something to take "the edge off " his anxiety. it might just save you both some heartache.
A word of caution.. I do not know the rules in all states, but here in New Hampshire if my husband said he would not stay, they could not legally keep him there. Because Lynn was such a difficult patient his doctor and case worker advised me I should go for guardianship. This way if he said he wouldn't stay, the facility had to keep him because I had legal guardianship over him. Some say the process is hard and costly, but I found it to be exceptionally easy and all of our fees were waived. It didn't cost me anything financially. Perhaps you could check with your facility and see what their laws are before placement.
Truly my heart aches for you. Often times the right thing is also the most difficult. ((hugs of understanding))
The last couple of days have really tried my patience. Yesterday he is obsessing with the clothes in his closet that he can't wear anymore. He is 66 and want his 13 year old grandson to take them. I was trying to tell him that kids that age do not wear that kind of clothes. I finally just gave up and told him that we would pack them up on the weekend for the grandson. He does not need to know where they are going. He then seen someone on TV that he thought looked familiar and he wanted me to tell him who it was. He got in my face for about 3 hours and I was just sick of it. Ended up with one big headache. He started in again this morning. I bought him some new pull on fleecy pants and he wore one pair for a day and then decided that he hated them. He has a couple of pairs that he like and they were both in the wash. So he is now sitting in his underwear while the clothes are in the dryer and has probably asked me 100 times where his pants are. He has taken to making noises all day long and spitting. doesn't hit the garbage can that often so I am doing a lot of wiping up and if I say anything to him he just says that he did not do it. I give up. I have a Dr's. appointment on Monday to gets some kind of meds to slow him down a little - hope it will help. I thank all of you for the above posts, they have answered a lot of my questions especially thanks Nikki regarding the link that really helped. Well that's my day and our nights are usually worse so I will just have to see. Yea the dryer finally quit - one problem solved.