DH's LTC insurance pays for a live-in home health care aide and I am truly grateful for his assistance because I am physically disabled. Today the aide found in our "office" a letter addressed to a woman in Mexico and brought it to me. He was concerned that a substitute aide had gone into the office to use printer and left it by mistake. I told him the writing was my husband's before FTD and he wasn't so sure, so we opened the letter and sure enough my husband had written the note to a woman who had been his Spanish language coach while he was working in the international division of a major corporation.
The correspondence was innocent enough and he was just relaying information to her about him and the other students in his class. What struck me was his honesty...that he had moved to a new position, felt lucky to still have a job because of all the downsizings and reorganizations and in his words "I am an average employee". For some reason this admission and correspondence struck me very, very hard. I doubt there was anything else going on between them, but to see his own words about being "an average employee" just struck me so hard. I am the driven one, he always said that he believed in work/life balance and would work hard during business hours but treasured his time off work. I on the other hand put work first most of the time...we understood what drove each of us and made it work for us.
What is most ironic is that neither I nor the aide has ever seen this letter in the office. The aide has been with us for 5 years and I've used the office for business purposes and personal recordkeeping for at least 10 years. The letter was dated 12-13-93...20 years to the day. Why did it show up today? I am glad it did because I will always cherish it because it's in my husband's handwriting and own words. Yet I am sad beyond belief.
I found something that surprised me, too. I was cleaning out his files after his death and came across many letters from a well-known TV personality here in Canada (now dead). They were dated after my husband and his first wife had separated in the 70’s. It got pretty hot and heavy on her part. I gathered from her letters that he was not responding in the way she wanted. Finally after 2 years, she said, more or less, “Pee, or get off the pot.” I couldn’t help feeling sorry for her because I think she was sincere. It gave me another glance into his personality and how he handled his fame, more of a complete picture of his life.
My wife has letters around somewhere unless she threw them out. I suspect they're tucked away somewhere deep. I have no intention of reading them. She travelled extensively and almost always in the company of men. Some of them were really quite good looking and many were double A type personalities. I often told my wife that if she left me for another man it would simply prove what awful taste she had. No I'm kidding. I told her it was her loss.
I don't feel sorry for any of the guys she may or may not have slept with or they wanted to or any combination of that which produces letters written by hormones expressing their needs. I believe want is always accompanied by self justification anyways which fits with how elastic most people's ethics are in any regard. I don't have a low opinion of people. I think it's hard to be perfect.
So if I come across any blah blah hormones blah blah hormones letters I'll be tossing them partly because while I don't care who else reads what, I'm not doing that. It won't hurt me either. I could write them in my sleep. If she had some memorable adventures she's welcome to them.
We swapped once. I've never told this story. The next morning while reading the paper and having a late breakfast we got a phone call from one of the other couple that they were splitting up. We never did again.
That's what I mean by elastic ethics. We felt really badly. We never did again because we didn't want anyone else to get hurt. However bopping your secretary was de rigeur in the 1950's apparently. Exposing an elbow in victorian times made you a whore. I[f] you were a man and left the house without a hat on for decades it was scandalous. Heddy Lamaar nude. Then not nude. Then 1960's nude. Then not nude. Take a pill.
So yah, I haven't in quite a while. Sorry what were we talking about?
Oh right, LFL's letter showing up exactly twenty years to the day later. I have no idea.
Finding things, oh yes, that can open us up to a lot of feelings. I can't think of anything as poignant as the letter you found: " but to see his own words about being "an average employee" just struck me so hard."; I can relate to when my husband was losing his career. There were outside events that confirmed this while it was happening, and it was also evident in how he felt about himself. This all occurred during that window of time when we knew things were different but he was still able to express himself, and before the rage.
After *, I found journals. We each kept them, and kept them private. If he had read mine- and I guess I can't say for sure that he didn't- it wouldn't have been a crisis. Anyway, I did not have the restraint to not read them after his death.
To have found that letter 20 years to the date would have had a strong impact on me as well. I am sorry for your sadness.
Dear friends, thank you so much for your comments and making me feel better. I can't tell you how much I value your support. Abby", we never kept journals but I know there are probably more "undiscovered" letters or notes hiding in the recesses of "the office" and I'm sure more uncovered feelings to surface. I'm still freaked out that the note was dated 20 years ago to the day...just not sure what to make of it.
One person I know read his wife's journals (there were many volumes) after she died of AD. He cut out a few pages for his children and then burned the journals. He knew she didn't want them published or made available to family. He discovered that she suspected a problem before he was aware of the onset of AD.
I understand how good it feels to be able to read something/anything they wrote when they were able.
Years ago my husband was in the ICU when his heart stopped. We got two very nice lidded cups with the hospital logo on it. My husband was in the early stages at the time. For some reason my husband was paranoid that our daughter was using both cups so he wrote " Not daughter's" with a sharpie pen on the lid. Our daughter in turn wrote "Not Dad's" on the other lid. These cups have disappeared for a while and recently I found the cup with the "not daughter's" lid. I plan on including this for daughters Christmas gift this year, as she treasures anything written by her wonderful father who is now in hospice.