My best friend died from cancer the beginning of October...he just turned 50. One of the last time he told me was live your life to the fullest. Do not put it on hold you never know how much time you have left. While I haven't be following his words to the letter I've been really thinking about it and starting to put it in practice.
First I want to say how each person deals with their love one and this disease is a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong way and I would never tell someone what they are doing is wrong.
For me, now that hubby is in LTC I go and visit him after work several times a week and one day a week I take him out for lunch and run errands if he is up to it. But when I take him back to the facility say good bye and leave, I "close the door" to this disease and I am working hard to build my new life. I will never abandon him and will always be his strongest advocate but I will not let this disease take over my whole life any more.
I am finding my smile and laugh again that has been MIA for a long time plus slowly getting my health back. When I hear a happy song I get up and dance!!! I do silly things with my granddaughter, out tobogganing in the snow and making snow angels. I can manage just find in -20C and colder weather and shoveling snow and bringing the firewood is good exercise. I am a survivor!!!
This is such a sad disease that you can lose yourself in it but you can come out of it a wiser and stronger person and find yourself again.
Hi Amber. Your comments resonated with me on such a deep level. I have been struggling since placing my husband to "get my life back. I visit him during the week but find myself still consumed with the disease. I like your analogy of closing the door. This week I have done some things that I would not hVe done so I believe I have made some progress. I am determined to find a job once the holidays are over. I too am a survivor. Thanks you
Hi Amber It's so good to hear you up beat and moving. I understand just what you are saying and I am in the same place now. DH is doing well since I have moved closer and see him more often and for shorter visits. Tuesday I went for lunch with what they all the "Lunch Bunch" from the Senior Center that I joined and there were 30 people, some couples but mostly single ladies. We had a good time and they welcomed me whole heartedly, and as I left there were 30 " Merry Christmases" called out to me. It felt great. They go to a different restaurant every month. I take Tai Chi Chih and that is also helping to get rid of some of the tensions in my body and gets me out.I am not looking for work as I am now able to just run down to DH's LTC for a coffee as it is only 8 Minutes away and he loves that short coffee break. He loved going out for coffee at MacDonald"s before so I guess this is the substitute. It works for now. I realize that here are still hard times ahead but for now it is good and I am finding it easier to do just for me. Sunday will be our 41st Anniversary and he wanted to go out for lunch to Red Lobster but with this time of year I don't know if he can deal with the noise and fuss of the restaurant. Maybe I will stop in today and see if there is a quiet table that we can go to, maybe this will be our last anniversary dinner out. There are still lots of tears and lonely ness, but I am doing much better.
Amber, I am so glad to hear that you are finding yourself, and yes, closing the door on one aspect of your life, and then opening another is a good way to do that. Compartmentalizing, call it what you will. You do go visit your LO, and he is still a part of your life, but you also are building another life. Good for you!
Amber I admire your ability to get on with life. I am happy for you . I just can't seem to move on and still feel so guilty for placement. This has been going on for 2 years and 9 months!! After every NH visit I pause in the parking lot and tell myself I should go back inside and stay a while longer! Sometimes I do go back. When I don't I feel guilty. I am just going to have to adjust my attitude. Keep making those snow angels and enjoy.
Amber, this is a good thread you have started. six monthes into placement,I don't feel guilty,but I can't seem to get my life going. DH is happy in the NH,so I can go on without worrying about that.But I seem to just sit here,don't even care to talk to my phone friends.I sit here playing cards on the computer. Some one please give me a swift kick in the butt and get me moving.Help me close the door as Amber has.I do volunteer at the NH,but have even cut back on that.Now with this bitter cold weather and snow,I really just want to sit here.
Yhounley, I can totally relate when you talk about sitting at the computer all day. A lot of my guilt has lifted but I find now when I visit I try to stay a little longer and make it a quality visit. I will take food which he seems to like. My motivation for moving on is primarily financial. Medicaid has pretty much wiped me out although I have enough to live on but I want to work for the little extras so the Good Lord willing something will come along after the holidays. I find concentrating on something else besides him and this disease is what has helped me so far. A friend of mine invited me out earlier in the week. The honest truth is that I did not want to go and wanted to stay home but I forced myself to go and it helped. Sometimes at least for me I have to force myself to move and do something even tho it seems easier to stay home. Of course the frigid weather is not helping. Another friend has suggested I join a book club after the holidays. I am considering it. I still attend a couple support groups and have made some friends there but when we get together all we talk about is the disease. I have spent the last 40 plus years raising my kids and taking care of him. Now I have to build a life for myself and it is daunting to say the least.
Thanks for your talks on how you feel now. I am having the same problem getting myself up and out the door to build that life everyone talks about. I sit and play card games on the computer as well and I just don't want to go out. I joined the senior centre here and have gone out to lunch with a group of of about 30 folks and I take Yai Chi Chih, but it is so cold right now and I just don't want to go out there. I think I would like to join a support group here just to be able to talk about this new life of mine but I just don't feel like going out right now. Maybe we just need to give ourselves some time to adjust and just do nothing as we have not had that luxury for quite some time now.
Oh Amber thank you sincerely for starting this thread!! I love the phrase, "Learning to close the door."
Like so many others here, I am not there yet and today will set an intention to be so.
I believe I could be classified as clinically depressed as like others have mentioned, I do not want to go anywhere. It is easier to stay home. I must say it is comforting to know I am not alone with this.
I run the risk of this disease causing further decline in my own health. I must find a way to open and close the door. Beautiful.
Oh there are days that I want to pull the covers over my head and shut the world out. Then I think of my friend that just died and if he, before he got sick, knew that he only had a short time to live what would he do....well we all know the answer.
Another thing that has got me going is I went back to work, so I have to get up, get ready and out the door at a certain time. I also get to spend my day with some of the most loving, giving and happy people around and no matter how challenging their disabilities they are still smiling!!! What great role models for me.
I know that my hubby, before this disease hit him, would of told me to go and get a life, just as if it was the other way around I would tell him the same thing.
Now that he is in LTC we have moved on to the next stage of this disease and, for me, I have to be able to "open the door" when I go see him or have to deal with some issue but then I must "close the door" and get back to my new reality so I can heal and move forward.
I believe we are all suffering from a form of PTSD and with time we will heal.....be kind to yourself. Getting out of my house and being outside moving around, be it walking with the dogs, ATV riding, shoveling snow, bringing in firewood. When I'm inside I try doing yoga, thread mill, weights, any form of exercise has helped me too. Up beat music on, not vegging in front of the TV.
Also try having the TV tuned to the comedy channel. A good laugh sure helps.
Amber good thread. With my husband now in Hospice, I too have learned to close the door and start the next chapter of my life. I visit him several times a week, and I'm now ok with being alone.
All of my girlfriends are married with healthy husbands. The old friends have been a blessing to me during this long journey. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and joined a few Meet Up groups online. There are several different ones, something for everybody. The groups I've joined are for running and often there is a brunch or dinner afterwards. Most of them are single with a wide range of ages. I feel that I needed to meet new friends since I'm no longer part of a "couple". I'm ok showing up at a party alone, in fact I'm going solo to our company holiday party. Our children have been very supportive & have encouraged me to get on with my life.