When the bedrock of our meaning is changed in such fundamental ways as this there are many ways to speak of it or think of it. Without restating what this experience is which all with a * know well and everyone here is involved in, it's not easy to overstate how complete the changes feel in their effect.
I for instance will be entering my third year at home alone next month. That is how long it has taken for me to just begin to understand that in this time almost everything has been 'from'.
I am hopefully recovering 'from'. I am coping with what my life changed 'from'. I am looking at my family and friends in terms of what they have changed 'from'. I see myself as surviving 'from'. I experience almost everything in terms of how I got here 'from' and how things are and feel different 'from'.
What I don't think in terms of is 'to'.
What I can tell you is that I have no 'to'. Not a single one. If you ask me where I want to live or what I want to do with myself or where I want to go - the answer is the same which is a shrug. I don't know.
I'm not being stubborn or stupid. I don't have or feel those things. I pick things to do and I'm engaged every day. For instance I'm here sharing this thought. I was up until 2am watching the battle of midway on Utube. I'm doing an oil painting. I feel ok most of the time. But I'm not going 'to' anywhere and I haven't begun to think in those terms.
Instead I think I've come to a neutral place where most of the intensity of the real things I was recovering from have been largely drained. I'm very sad about my wife but I'd be willing to bet I don't have technical depression anymore. Feeling sad about my wife is a genuine thing anchored in reality. Technical depression is a state where we are not mentally well because of the things happening in reality. I know both as many of us do.
The thing about 'to' is that we have to open something inside us up to have one. We can think of a 'to' as something we look forward to, something we want in our lives, something we want to happen again. Having anything we're drawn to is both a positive feeling inside when we think about it and an involvement which engages us.
Up until now I haven't thought about what I in the future will be. I've talked about it and joked about it but I haven't genuinely invested in it. I wasn't ready and I don't know if I'm ready now.
What I've learned is that I've been saying a lot of this because my mind and feelings know what I need and miss and want more than I admit to myself; but, that underneath that is the truth which is that I don't have any genuine thing I'm drawn 'to'. Feeling fairly normal has been a long road all by itself. I'm overall content with that and quite grateful for it I can tell you.
Long term though I have the same issue normal people do who never had their comfort zone shredded by a tornado. Finding things that matter to me, that I have feelings about, and that I am drawn 'to'.
It's like that joke. "Doctor will I be able to play the piano after the operation?" "Yes I don't see any reason why not." "Great! I've never played before."
It doesn't work that way. Recovering 'from' is healing which is clinically important. Moving 'to' is growth on your part which is exactly the same unchanging truth as from the moment of our birth or when we first stood up. It's right in the words themselves. From is in the past, it has happened and is doing whatever it is doing to us. To is somewhere we are going and it's completion is not yet.
So I'm in a lot of trouble because answering what I want to be when I grow up is undiscovered country. Hopefully most of you are better at this than I am.
Good thoughts, Wolf. I'm neither in the "from" or "to", I'm just in the middle trying to make it through the nightmare I have no idea what I will feel when this is in the past and I'm in the "from" stage and I may never get to the "to" stage. We do need to think about these things, though.
Thank you for starting this thread Wolf. The timing is perfect for me!! I fully relate to your words, "What I can tell you is that I have no 'to'. Not a single one. If you ask me where I want to live or what I want to do with myself or where I want to go - the answer is the same which is a shrug. I don't know."
I am also reassured when you noted you will soon be starting your third year at home alone. My husband went into care one year and 10 months ago and I feel stuck in a holding pattern or something. People say, ""It is time to move on." I do not know what moving on looks like. Sometimes I can be patient with myself thinking I have to trust the process I am in. Other times I am frightened with not even knowing who I am anymore. I can't make decisions. For example, I can visualize my husband in numerous places inside and outside the house. I find that distressing at times and comforting at others. I wonder about moving to a new place and again can't make a decision.
I am grateful to know I am not alone in not having a "to" yet. Please keep guiding us Wolf as you share your journey.
Thank you too from the bottom of my heart to all the rest of sharing your journey with me. And Joan, you starting this site and keeping it going is a life line for me.
Though I try to think "positive" and genuinely am grateful for all my blessings....( a home, a car, and enough income so I do not have to work at this time), I keep getting this nagging thought- "Is this it?"
Meaning, there is a before and after to my life. I know I will never be the same, and in some ways I am glad for that, but I have a little fear that happiness will be elusive. Hope that is not true.
Oh Coco, I am here to say that happiness is not elusive. I have had many wonderful times this last year. Today is the anniversary of my guy's passing. I got through Thanksgiving OK, and expect that Christmas will happen in the same way. This week, his last week a year ago, has been the hardest I could have imagined. Out of nowhere, on those meaningful dates, or maybe just any day, the loss is just overwhelming. Honestly, though, it is OK. It's like a tribute to your love, a meaningful time. No special reason, just a time when you fall apart, and want it to be like before. Somehow, it reaffirms my love, and reminds me of his importance in my life. I expect it to continue through my future, and kinda want it to. I'm still trying to move forward with the smile he loved. Take care!
Janny Thank you I really needed to here the word from both you and Wolf. I have not been able to see a positive future for me, but maybe it is out there somewhere. He was and still is and will always be my love, my heart.
I have thought about this a gazillion times in the past ten years—and even before. A lot depends on your age, situation and physical condition. If younger and with children to raise, your to-do list is still full. If you can maintain a career (I know an 85 y.o. doctor as intently interested in medicine as he was as an intern!) you still look to the future.
I was lucky, my adult children & g’son are nearby, but they have their own lives that, mostly, do not always include me. That’s fine, I’m rarely interested in their music, technology, politics, whatever. I am often alone with nothing I need to do. I remember my widowed Mom and how she waited for her children to entertain her—which we did, but never as much as the neighbor’s children did for their Moms. I learned that the world does not come knocking on your door, you have to reach out—oh, so much easier said than done.
As a young bride I thought we’d grow old together, take care of each other, never gave reality a thought, but by the time my DH died, I was in my 70’s and completely physically and emotionally exhausted after 10 yrs of caregiving, you know how that is. The retirement joys we are expected to enjoy did not interest me, no fishing, gardening, painting, travel—and besides I’d done enough of them, and no more volunteering or taking classes. Been there, done that over and over already. I wanted to sleep!
I was alone with a big dog in our middle-class 4-bedroom, 2-bath house where we raised our children and did not want to move or downsize. I got the idea of renting the children’s rooms to male students from a nearby university. Others say, ‘I wouldn’t want people touching my things, strangers in my kitchen, I’d be afraid, etc.’ But things are things, pots are pots, eventually someone will sort thru and toss or sell my ‘things’ anyway. And with a cheap and simple door remodel, I got my bedroom & bath closed off from the rest of the house, and it has worked out wonderfully. The school has a background on students although sometimes I rent to young professionals, check them out a bit, I don’t feel afraid, but I watch for scams on Craig’s List. I’ve had foreign exchange students and those programs have backgrounds on them, too. I always have stories to tell about people from all over the country and the world from places like Turkey and Germany, and the extra money doesn’t hurt, and when I want to be alone, I go in my room and shut the door. Mostly I’m alone anyway, they’re in school or away for the week-end and go home for the holidays, and when I want company, we’re in the den, sometimes watch TV.
I know it’s not for everyone. I never thought I’d be in this position, but it is an option for some. Foreign exchange students are great and they will enhance your life.
And, yes, I still love my DH, always will, but I don't think he's opposed to any of this.
You'd be better off hunting with a toothless dog and a divining rod blindfolded in a large bowl of jello.
Regardless. There are two things you need. Motivation, attitude, and fear. Three. Three things you need.
You're not going 'to' anything unless you feel actual motivation or unless something makes you. Random events don't count.
You're not going to feel motivation without an attitude that isn't depression, remorse, detachment, withdrawal, transference, blocking, self pity - all of which sit like crows on a wire but none of them actually help us. A positive attitude is an expression that has been beaten beyond words and what it actually means is don't feel the things just listed. The crows are there but they don't eat much of the food - so don't worry about them too much.
I have detachment and withdrawal. They're like my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl. Just because I know I push my friends away because I'm terrified of being hurt the way friends have already hurt me - doesn't give me magic powers or change anything. I'm still afraid of being pushed away. So my life has been anxious that I be asked so that I can turn it down.
You have to be a Gargoyle to understand Gargoyles.
Like having a Ferrari you only run in the garage for fear of having it dented or scratched. It's a Ferrari allright; but, it's not a car.
Now that sounds like we should remarry but I say sell the Ferrari (what a lovely language).
There are two types of people. Those that don't like looking down in the shower and those that lick the bowl (they're just metaphors don't overwork it) and anybody that has read a few of my comments knows which type I am.
That's important. Not which type we are but the concept. I have attitude. I lick the bowl. I don't think being a man has anything to do with it. Plenty of women here can teach me of which Betty is one. She's not important. I'm not important. Overcoming fear is. And having attitude gives you weapons to combat fear. I know fear and I know ultimately in any test extreme enough it will own me. But thats like knowing you're going to die. Sitting down and waiting for it isn't the way to go. Get over it. Accept the crows are there and move on.
I said sell the Ferrari. I mean it's your life so live it. And when the shallow want you back in their mold by marrying the retired cheesehead from Wisconsin say "uh uh girlfriend" because when we don't know who we are and why we get up or what we want the thing to do is nothing.
It's like that line from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. "I can't go. I've got self loathing at 11 and I can't miss that again!"
And whether we're watching all those Christmas movies or avoiding them like the plague, we might note that the grinch and scrooge had something in common. They were both morose. Attitude. Over to you.