One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex."
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available! '
(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people
This is kind of tacky & hope it doesn't offend anyone. Yesterday I was in a store, and they had wall plaques with different sayings. On one there was the male/female figures together that you see on public restrooms. The man's head had been hit off, detached from his body, by the woman whose arm was up rather than down. It stated, well, he never used it anyhow. I just burst out laughing in the store, I guess I have a weird sense of humor. I thought of all the times my husband "doesn't use his head."
Thanks, I read more than I post most days. I am exhausted when I come home from work. I don't think this job is going to work out either. I am supposed to be in training, but there is a list of things for me to do each day, which takes up to 6 hours to complete. Fill spas with water, dust all patio furniture, clean tanning beds, clean & organized billiard room, haul cardboard out windex mirrors over the bars etc.I'mthinking is this a sales job or a cleaning woman job? With all they asked me to do, I would not have had time to help a customer. My son is worried about me, which is what hurts. I don't want to be an emotional burden on him. It is straight commission.
In honor of it's being Sunday ... These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services ---------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' ---------- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ---------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. ---------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. ---------- Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. ---------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ---------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ---------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ---------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' ---------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ---------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ---------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. ---------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ---------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled - proceeds will be used to cripple children. ---------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. ---------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ---------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ---------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ---------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ---------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. ---------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ---------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ---------- The eighth- graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ---------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours'
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." ********************************************************************************************************************************************************
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ********************************************************************************************************************************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ********************************************************************************************************************************************************
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment. Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. 'Listen', she said... 'What do you suppose that is?' He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, 'Is that Jesus knocking?'
Thanks for the laughs. Humor really does help in good and bad times. Just want to add some Steven Wright lines:
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said....
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.
The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."
An 90-year-old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'Yes, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my goodness!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the refrigerator again!'
I don't want to appear to be sexist with this one...just remember I received it from my 12 year old grand-SON... In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experiemental procedure, very risky, but the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5000.00 for a male brain, and $200.00 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men trying not to smile,avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.
"Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled and explained "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the female brains because they have actually been used."
> THE BATHTUB TEST During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director -- How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.''Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.''No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do youwant a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON,OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?