This was a great way to start the day. Here is one for you
A gentleman called his Dr concerned that his wife was having a hearing problem. He told the Dr he did not want to offend her but he felt it needed to be checked out. The Dr told him that a simple way to check was to stand about 25 feet from her and talk in a normal voice. If she did not answer, move closer and repeat until she answered him. Later that night he noticed that his wife was in the kitchen cooking supper and he was about 25 feet from her so he asked "What's for supper". There was no response so he moved in 5 feet, tried again, no response, again he moved in 5 feet, again no response, so he moved in another 5 feet, and again no response, finally he stands beside her and says in her ear, "What's for dinner" and her response is " For the 5th time Earl, CHICKEN".
And then there was the Texas rancher who was vacationing in Maine. He was talking to a Maine farmer, bragging about his ranch. He said "Why my ranch is so big I can get in my pick-up truck and drive all day without reaching the end of the ranch." To which the Maine farmer replied "Ayuh, got a truck like that myself".
Since you are from Maine, I have to ask - Are you familiar with the morning radio team from Boston - Lauren and Wally? They do "Men from Maine" jokes that are absolutely hilarious. Their show is the only thing I miss from Boston.
Joang, I have not heard the "Men from Maine", but others have mentioned it to me.
Bluedaze, I remember when my daughter was at orientation for UMO. We were standing in line (outside) for a meal. The black flies were vicious. A man from New York in front of us asked "What are these things?" I've been to the desert of Maine once, many years ago with the kids.
The New Yorker is a constant source of amusement for Maine people and Mainiacs. Monhegan is on the fly-way for migrating birds. We have had people report to us about that amazing bird they just saw - bright blue on its wings, big, with an awful shriek of a voice. Blue Jay. Cardinals are a constant source of fascination for city people.
There are those who come in resort wear - white slacks, strappy sandals with heels - and find themselves knee deep in mud or unable to maneuver on gravel roads... this summer we had a woman with a double jogging stroller unable to understand why she couldn't take her twins in their strollers along our up-hill-and-down-dale trails.
And then there are those who think the island is a privately-owned, free DisneyWorld, so that they are free to picnic on people's lawns or go onto them to take pictures of the flowers, or the hummingbirds. (and yes, we do warn against all of these)
A duck walks into a bar, he asked the bartender " Do you have any duck food ?" The bartender replied, "No, we don't have any duck food, this is a bar, now be on your way. The next day, the duck walks into the bar, ask the bartender "Do you have any duck food ?" The bartender replied, "Now I told you yesterday this is a bar & we don't have duck food, If you don't quit asking, I am going to nail your feet to the floor." The next day , the duck walks into the bar, ask the bartender "Do you have any nails ? " the bartender replied, "No" Well, in that case the duck said, "Do you have any duck food"
Everyone, I just received this e-mail, and laughed until tears came....I have to share it with you....I hope no one is offended..
Lizard Birth
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Gosh sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
bluedaze, I don't think there's any help for Dazed on that thread... unless you're suggesting we all put on Depends before reading one of Mary's posts.
ok, just got this, but please, do not shoot the messenger!!! it's just a joke people!!!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened, what's the hold up?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
The driver asks, “On average, how much is everyone giving?”
Yes, she does....I thought that was the one WITH coffee in her mouth though <grin>
Here is another one....
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbages, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Maam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag. "Damn!" says the little old lady.. "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast" says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie in through the bushes, I yell " $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" "By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
A West Virginia couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked what finally made them make the decision. Why, after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
OK, Here is a joke for you, There are 7 types of sex 1. There is kitchen sex, where you are so hot for each other you cannot wait to get to the bedroom. 2. Smurf sex..where you have so much sex you turn blue in the face 3. Bedroom sex...where you get so comfortable with each other that you only want to do it where you are comfortable 4. Religious sex..Where you get "nun" in the morning, "Nun" at noon and "Nun" at night 5. There is hallway sex where you pass each other in the hallway and say "screw you" 6. then there is public sex..where she takes you to court and screws you in public 7. Then last but not least..there is Social security sex..where the government gives you just "a little bit" each month but not enough to enjoy yourself:)
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, And I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word..
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Does Labor Day today mean we don't HAVE to labor or that we have to do extra? Ours started out fairly heavily EXTRA, so I need to know if I can stop that now? Actually those Mimosas sound pretty good right now.
A BLONDE (not a caregiver, divvi) was weed-wacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
I luv them too. I hope not to offend any blondes. I always wish anyone well and especially on this site. So Kitty, divvi and any other that fit the category, please forgive me if I have offended you. Lee
ok this is a bit bad.... but funny too. Hope I don't offend anyone!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.
Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. 'You may as well give up on the crying,' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. 'You're stuck with me for 18 years.' ________________________________
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS an d blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?' ________________________________
For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grand-mother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said, 'I am your mommy.' Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, 'Then I want my granny!'
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, a ge 10
HOW CAN A STRA NGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don' t want any more kids. Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to expl ain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10