I think everyone got wore out yesterday from all the giggles and jokes. I slept so good last night and I'm sure it was because I had a perky, positive attitude from all the fun. Thank you everyone for the fun time.
A flat lander sees a dead bunny in a ditch. He feels sad. An old farmer drives by and sees the situation. He jumps out of his car, pulls out an old can of something, spays the bunny and drives off. The tourist thinks that rather odd. As he looks at the poor dead bunny he sees it's nose start to twitch. One ear perks up and then the other. The little guy hops out of the ditch and runs home-stopping only to turn around and give a high five. The tourist goes after the farmer to find out what was in the can. Ready--Hair Raiser With Permant Wave. Sorry about that-just couldn't resist ,
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike....' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving' 'Jason is on his skate board....' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Since we have several Texans in the group I thought I should tell you about the Texas rancher who was talking to a Maine farmer. The Texan said: "Why my ranch is so big I can drive all day in my pick-up and not reach the other side". To which the Mainer replied: "Ayuh, got a truck like that myself".
A young girl was married off to an older man, and she was a bit concerned about how he would treat her. They drove off in a buggy drawn by a horse, and the horse started acting up. So the old man got out and beat the horse, saying, " That's my first warning." The new bride was quite upset, but they drove on for another little while, and the horse started to act up again. The old man got out and beat the horse even harder than the first time, saying, "That's my second warning.' The bride became more upset than ever, worried about how this man was going to treat her. They drove on again, and once more the horse acted up. This time the old man drew his gun. 'The bride stood up and said,"Don't you dare be so cruel." The old man shot the horse, then turned to her and said, "And that's my first warning."
11 People on a Rope Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she w ill voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
Three men from Texas were sitting together one day bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Michigan . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from New Hampshire. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day -- some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Ellen and David had been going to the county fair each year of their 45 years of marriage. David told Ellen he really wanted to take a ride in the hot air balloon. She said, it costs $5, and $5 is $5. He replied that he might not ever get a chance to do it again. He had waited 45 years. Still, Ellen was adamant. Again told him, $5 is $5. The man who maneuvered the hot air balloon overheard the conversation. He told the couple, I'll take you up for free, but you can't say one word. If you say one word, I'll have to charge you the $5 for the ride.
The balloon "driver" took them up, did all sorts of fancy tricks with the balloon. Finally, when the ride was over & they had landed, the balloon driver said, that was amazing, all those tricks I did, and not one word.
David said - I almost screamed when Ellen fell out, but $5 is $5.
A city boy went to Texas to do some ranching. He bought a donkey from a rancher for $100 and the rancher was gong to deliver it the next day. The next day the rancher called and said he was sorry, but the donkey had died. The city boy said, "Oh, that's okay. Just give me back my $100." The rancher said he couldn't do that because he'd already spent the money. So, the city boy, says, "Well in that case, just bring me the dead donkey."
What are you going to do with it, the rancher wanted to know. I'm going to raffle him off said the city boy.
A few days later the rancher asked the city boy how it all turned out. Well, says the city boy, I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a provit of $998.
Didn't anyone complain? Asked the rancher. Not really. Only the one who won the raffle and I gave him his $2 back.
That's pretty bad, I know but it's the best I could come up with here in the Pacific North West.
This is my contribution - I hope I don't offend anyone:
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey That he entered it in the Race Again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered The Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline Read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the pastor to get Rid Of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted The following headline The Next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to Get rid of the donkey, so She Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the nun to buy back The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . Being Concerned about public opinion Can Bring you much grief and misery . . Even shorten your Life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's problems and You'll be a lot happier And Live longer!
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' T o which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheri ffs office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
Joan, I am so glad I made you smile. You will never know what a godsend your site has been to me. I know you have been having a hard time with the driving issue. I also tackled that problem a few months ago & every now & then it crops up again. However, today we went to see my husband's father about 2 hours away. When we pulled in the garage my husband told me I did a good job driving today.lol Yesterday, he told me I did a good job parking the SUV in between 2 cars. lol However, tomorrow could be different, but at least the last 2 days, I was a star. So hang in there. :) Kadee
Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
I love this thread!! Here is one from Cheers. Cliff talking to Norm
Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
I have enjoyed all of these stories and jokes. Thank you all for sharing! These short ones are coming through my e-mail:
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. One of them looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
********************** I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Mary, You bird joke reminded me of when I golfed. My ball landed in a deep bunker and when I got there there was a ducks head. After I got the ball out I mentioned to one of the women about the ducks head and she asked me if it was dead!!!! I told her I thought so. lol.
I loved all of your great jokes. I'm not very creative so I don't have too much to add but I hope that the fun we had here will carry through the weekend. Keep the smiles going and "blue" bubble intact. DH will be home tonight and already on the phone this morning (aren't cell phones great) telling me how tired he is. In the morning, I will fix him a good breakfast and let him rest on the couch and then I will try to get him out for a ride. Or something fun to do. May be a 4-wheeler ride with our son.
Darling Kadee, you didn't offend anyone. I agree with divvi, poor little bird (and especially a robin, one of my favorites), but your story was funny. And your pun wasn't any worse than some of bluedaze's.