So to the Emily quote and your comment: Picture a troll standing beside me as I sit here and type this. Pea green, bald, and hands dragging on the ground. "WOMAN!" He is screaming in my ear.
"Yes, yes." I answer impatiently. "You have needs." He storms off dragging his knuckles across the carpet snarling. There's no pleasing some people. The troll notices every nice looking woman. Every pleasant exchange. Scorecards TV reporters. Jabs his boney finger into my back when 'our' radar goes up.
It's not sex. I would admit if it was because I'm not ashamed to have those feelings. But I've relegated it to a handy towel rack and while Darth Vader of the little helmet clan mutters a lot, it doesn't come up all that often and I'm seeing someone very close when it does (quick..look over there!).
It's the intimacy with one I love. The stories you share. The common goals and efforts shared. The depth of trust and friendship. Those moments that come lived together. I had all that, I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned.
I'll try and be more useful and for me it really is this simple. I'm not giving up. That's everything for me right there. It pushes me around. It plays on the harpsicord like Bach with tourette's syndrome. It covers the planet with a thick blanket of gloom. It takes everything from me and I sit shaking like a terrified little animal in the forest. It sticks needles into the eyes of little puppet dolls. Whatever it is, trust me I've seen it and bought the t-shirt. Suicide, guilt, panic, despair, all handed out like loaves and fishes with lineups backed up as far as the eye can see. I've been there. I stayed there. I lived there.
I'm not giving up on the things I believe. We loved each other and had most of our lives together. It's no one's fault she got sick and I don't want to become a bitter old man because of this. Instead I mean to continue my own journey remaining true to the spirit of what we were and continuing that spirit in what I become.
That means I'm up to my elbows often enough and gasping for breath sometimes; but it's my own fault because when the demons don't find me, I go looking for them. Why draw this out? "I want you to be happy!" I scream punching myself repeatedly in the face. It's farcical it's so pathetic to try and heal your own mental and emotional wounds without a degree and as one of the inmates. But there it is.
I briefly considered developing a Keith Richard kind of disain for all things that move but I couldn't see how it would make you feel happy inside. It's like I can't make up my mind about anything and when my time comes I'll still be meandering around the salad bar slashing at the slings and arrows with the cutlery.
I've personally never had anyone fall in love with me from the other side of the planet. I did once play the theme of the lone ranger snapping fingers but I can see that that's different.
It's good Wolf, great in fact, that you aren't giving up. Put me in that boat too. I am fighting different battles, but I think for most of us it is all about finding our way back to our self again, to find a measure of happiness that we can live with until we can simply and purely feel the beauty in life again.
I am happy, it is just a different happy. There are still shadows of sadness, but the good still far outweighs the bad. It wasn't always that way and I am so grateful to feel these feeling again.
Yes, Nikki, it is a different happy for me too. I am in a good relationship, but every aspect of it confirms how wonderful and special my marriage was. I don't know if that feeling will ever stop, nor if I want it to.
Marilyn, I too am so very happy you're in a good relationship. You and Steve were blessed to have such a loving and happy marriage and I doubt you will ever forget how special it was.