My DH died last month and I feel guilty because I think he's better off.I feel better off too,I guess that's what really feel guilty about.I did love him and felt sorry for him but at the same time he drove me crazy. Can anyone understand?
Dear Ann, I am so sorry for your loss but do understand how you feel. It's hard to be a caregiver for a person with dementia, no matter how much you love your spouse. Every day is filled with sacrifice and stress, with hopefully some loving moments in between. But it can be a hard and demanding life. I hope that you can channel the guilt you're feeling into positive thoughts that you were a good caregiver and loved him. Try to remember the good times in your marriage and don't beat yourself up. Who of us doesn't want our spouses suffering to end?
Ann I am so sorry. I know it must be so hard. I often pray that God will be kind and merciful, and not let him suffer any long. This is hard in that there is no cure. I feel your husband is better off. And now you are too. No more stress of caring for him or worrying about him. You have done an awesome job, now rest and know you did your best. I am sure your feelings are perfectly normal. They seem normal to me.
All of it's true. I believe that every single caregiver has been extremely annoyed and sick to death with the disease at various times. To not be is to deny our humanity where any sane individual with unrepressed feelings knows to be an Alzheimer's spouse is to be tortured for years.
Whether we love them or not it's a horror to watch them not know who you are the first time, fumble with a telephone the first time, do something dangerous.
The human tendency to deny these necessarily powerful experiences and their outcomes doesn't make sense and is universal; but telling the truth does not invalidate love.
I can't speak for others but I loved my wife to death and to wish for her to die of something peacefully (we're in extremely late stages) isn't just unnatural - it's all psychological disjoint that does things to every single caregiver.
It's only been a month which is no time at all for something like this. But I also think that the mind now is starting to understand that it's over. He's at peace. You have survived.
That's it Ann. You said it all and you're starting to try to make sense of it now that it has ended.
I'll tell you what I believe about Alzheimer's survivors. However they deal with all the absolutely clinical horrors they face over time, they are the ones that can feel inside that they still want life afterwards and while they're trying to figure that out - there's no reason not to take the guilt along while you sort it out.
That's what I think you may be starting to do Ann.
Dearest Ann I am so sorry for your loss. Please please remember it was not your fault he got sick, and you did the best you could. I pray for healing and strength for you and your loved ones.
Ann, your feelings seem normal to me. This is a terrible, terrible disease—not only for the damage it inflicts on our loved ones, but for the damage it inflicts on us, too. Both we and our loved ones are going through just about the worst possible time of our life. Doesn't it seem only human that we want the torture to end for both of us? You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Your loss is very recent. Please give yourself time to rest and grieve and heal. I hope the coming days bring more peace for you.
Sure, I can, Ann, As one with the * too, the intellectual side of me KNOWS just what my Ozzie was spared had he survived a cardiac arrest 2 months + ago. And I also KNOW what I have been spared in terms of having to have been a witness to his even worse decline both in terms of mental capacity and physical areas as well as being deprived of O2 for more than a mere few minutes causes all systems problems. Because we REALIZE this, perhaps we can process our loss better than one who suffers a loss suddenly, although my husband was stable and the acute pulmonary edema came on so suddenly. I was not expecting this as he never had edema in his legs or feet etc and no wheezing until that fatal event. I see a therapist to help me over the rough spots and she informs me that I am processing this loss and healing, although it will be a slow process and there will be times..... I have only just the other day been able to face dealing with his medicine chest because I have lost a little diamond earring somewhere in the bathroom and so I decided I needed to check all areas for it. I had put them in a little dish and when I went to put them back on, only one was there..Maybe hubby is playing a trick on me to get me to get about living life. I knew my hubby well enough that he would not want to see me unhappy all the time, he would want me to live life fully as he did. He was a wonderful man and I miss him terribly. I don't like it that I cant hear his voice or seen the twinkle in his eyes..or hear his quick come backs in his humor...He was still, despite his memory failings, in pretty fair mental condition where he could enjoy and get a joke etc. We did our best for our husbands, the best we knew how. When we have a pet that is suffering and "goes" either alone or with the help of the vet, we are very very sad and it hurts but we know that our pet is no longer suffering. In the same way, we hurt that our LO is gone and our lives are not what we had planned or hoped for but at the same time, we know they are no longer suffering the ravages of dementia along with other physical hardships. So please, don't feel guilty about feeling some sense of relief. It does NOT mean you did not love your husband..you did, I did... Be at peace and if a therapist might help seek that out...but please know that your husband in the great hereafter, knows you did all you could for as long as you could and he would have tried to help more if he could have. Widowhood is hard and it can be dangerous territory....so be careful of your self, with regard to injury ( I am in PT for sciatica from a twisting movement I made too quickly and with too much force). Arms Around, "Fellowette" Widow.
As usual,your words are chosen so well and your message so gently said and is spot on. For someone who does not yet have a *, your insight and wisdom is truly amazing. You, as I said before, are the forums great Philosopher...thanks for all you say.
He isn't suffering any more, and he certainly wouldn't want you to feel guilty. Pack up your troubles and leave them behind. Start your new life knowing you did what you could for him. Now do what you can for yourself. Blessings to you Bonnie
Ann please accept our condolences on your profound loss of your dear husband. yes its a whirlwind of emotions to know they and we are free of AD. but the loss of the physical and dealing with the grief is overwhelming. take your time, its all so new. divvi
Ann, So sorry for your circumstances. The same that all of us here will probably face, unless God takes us first. I feel guilty now a lot. My DH is alive and healthy except for Alz. I sometimes wish csomething else would take him so he and I wouldn't have to endure the final stage. Be so grateful you both were spared that. God Bless.
Ann, I wanted Lloyd to have a quick and painless end and to be with me forever all at the same time. It's tough and it tears at you. There is nothing to feel guilty about as long as you did the best you could most of the time. Oh, I am sure we all lost patience a time or two whether we want to admit it or not. I have been in limbo for 10 months...don't know what to do with myself. I guess I will have to give up and see a grief counsellor. It just takes time and that is different for everyone.