I'm surprised at the extreme loneliness I feel with my wife afflicted with AD now in a care facility. It's been only a month. Even when she was home and difficult and frustrating to deal with, I still sensed her being home with me and although I was stressed and felt burdened, I didn't really feel alone. I guess I didn't expect this feeling- being with others during the day helps, but being alone at night is bad. i'm just so used to being with my wife, this is my 2nd wife. When my 1st wife died 10 years ago, I guess I felt similarly, maybe I just blotted it out.
It's very hard getting used to being alone again. Maybe a local newspaper or internet site lists the local radio programs. A talk show or sports show or arts show that comes on regularly might help break the silence in the evenings.
Listening to people talking about something we're interested in or a station that plays music we generally like or a television program - can keep us involved and help us be in the moment.
It's not a solution but little things that add something matter.
It isn't the evenings that are that bad for me - it is going into the empty bedroom at night. Not having him to cuddle with. (Even though I had him in a hospital bed by the den the last few months with our recliners close - and slept alone - he was still down the hall.) After 50 years, it is an awful adjustment. It has been two years, and a new queen bed to replace the king bed helped some...but I still find myself reaching for him sometimes.
I sleep with the TV on....I get Hallmark Movie Channel, and they are kind enough to run Murder She Wrote, Perry Mason and Matlock during the night, so I sleep to friendly voices that don't keep me awake! <grin>
We all have to find out what we need in order to rest and give ourselves time to learn to live alone.
Although my wife is in a facility just downstairs from my apartment, I still get lonely, particularly at night. I have no one to talk to about the days events. No one to snuggle with in bed. This is the first time I have been separated from her since we were married 59+ years ago (and she has been the only girl in my life since I was 14). I try to take part in the activities in this retirement Inn and I just got back from Rotary, but that doesn't make up for the loss of my best friend.
Well it really didn't matter to her,being a teacher all her life I think just the idea of being out on the water,the peace and quiet was all she needed,we usually picked a small out of the way lake and fished for panfish with only loons for company,quite peaceful,sure miss her.
That's a lovely memory to have. There's nothing like being out on the water. My favourite book of all time is The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame. I know it is a children's book, but I still find it enchanting. Here is Rat, who has taken Mole out for his first ride in a small boat. "Nice? it's the only thing," said Water Rat solemnly, as he leant forward for his stroke. "Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats. Simply messing," he went on dreamily: "messing - about - in - boats; messing..."
Soo lonely and heartbroken since my DH moved to an ALF two months ago.
The nights alone are the worst. I stay up late watching tv or on my iPad till I can't keep my eyes open. Then, I get in bed ... Oh how hard it is to go to bed without him. That is when I miss him the most. I can't believe he will never be there to snuggle with and hear his breathing next to me. Tears...
It feels like I will never feel better. The thought of that is unbearable.
Lorrie, I know that feeling. Many of us do. It's been two months so it's really bad with lonliness right now. We do get used to the changes more. There are grieving things going on with you Lorrie even though he's still here because of how this disease is.
Lorrie, sending you a big hug. Yes the loneliness can be very deep and sometimes overwhelming. I too am on my I pad at night until my eyes won't focus anymore. It has been 14 months since placement. I can only say it does get a little easier and that the first few months are the most difficult. God bless and know that you are not alone.
It's been 14 months for me and yes that loneliness is so difficult. I am happy to hear that I am not the only one with iPad in hand. Wolf has said it all we are mourning the loss of our loved ones but they are still here. It's a very difficult time. Hang in there. Sometimes I just wish it could just go puff and we could be back as we were before this evil disease entered our world. My heart breaks!!
Lorrie, I am sorry your feeling so sad and lonely. As Wolf says it's part of the grieving process. I recall how horrible those 4 months were for me-I cried hysterically all day and everywhere - in bed, in the shower, eating by myself at the kitchen table, you name it. Joan confirmed she sent you my email address; I'm here if you want to "talk".
I agree with the others. One song that expresses my feeling is "You Are My Sunshine", which the music therapists in the facility my wife is in sing almost every day. The words that get me are: "the other night, dear, as I was sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and I cried".
Yes, the bed part is really bad. I sorely miss my husband's short but strong, sturdy body next to me. Not to mention that he was an expert snuggler and an excellent generator of heat, which was nice in winter. I still go to sleep on my side of the bed but I wake up on his side. I'm finding it does get easier to bear but very slowly.
I miss the mornings the worse. We always watched the news and read the daily paper together and discussed what was going on. I really miss my coffee buddy.I am so tired by evening from pushing him around the NH for several hours daily,plus trying to keep our property decent that I go to bed early.Get up early and start another day,over and over.this is not a life!!!
Marsh, that song always makes me tear up. And yes, they play it at almost every music show. acccck!
Yes, the going to bed alone was the hardest for me. So hard in fact that I never could find peace in our room. 6 years later and I still sleep on the couch in the living room.
Oh Dado just loved that song. When he was still in the Adult Foster Home up the road, just over a year ago, it was the last time he sang, and really the last words he ever said then got moved to the Veterans home. We started singing it and he joined in remembering the first part. Of course I sang it to him on his last day, over and over.
I miss my coffee buddy too yhouniey. And Nikki, a friend asked me the other day when I was going to move back in to the master bedroom, where Dado and I shared, and his last days here he slept there and I in the wee guest/artist room. (He was had too many jerks and twitches at night) I still sleep in the art room, and use the large room for guests, and use the closet for my things. I just don't know when I will ever go back in there.
Yes this part of the disease is SO HARD!!! I miss my husbands laughter and humor around the house. Sports Center was always blaring in the TV, I can barely even muster the strength to watch sports center anymore. Hang in there everyone, we all understand around here!
I too find the evenings and nights the hardest especially now that darkness descends so early. I got a tv and cable last week - have not watched tv in over 15 years but I need something to distract me in the evenings. Last winter - don't want to go there ever again.
It has been 2 years and 9 months since my husband moved into a facility and I ache for him and what we had. Last night I woke at 2 am and laid there unable to sleep. I cried remembering how we used to cuddle and I would fall asleep feeling warm, cared for, and loved. Still find getting into our bed difficult. I sure understand those that sleep elsewhere.
The lingering, ongoing, and horrific losses of this disease - truly, it is amazing we are all surviving.
I moved the first week if October to be closer to Kevan but now they tell me no mire overnights as he is to difficult when he returns. It was so nice to have him home even for a short visit. We watched tv together and did odd jobs like we did before he became ill. They told me to just take him home during the day but yesterday he was unable to stay as he wanted to go back to his familiar place. I miss those times where we would sit and watch football or curling together or Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and try to guess the answers. Now that is all gone! He has asked me to come and visit him at his home instead. It just isn't the same is it? I started knitting and finally finished an afghan that I had started a year ago for a friend. She is coming with her hubby to have lunch with me Friday so I can give it to her then. It turned out just lovely. Now I think I will knit and crochet some squares and put then together. I am going to get in touch with family council and see if they need lap afghans for the wheel chair residence. Maybe that will help me get back into the world. I was supposed to go to a senior get together to day but I have service workers coming this morning so I'll try next week.
Katherinecs I has a bad night last night and ended up awake until two and cried for us and all we have lost to this evil thing that has taken over our lives. I wonder which is worse: having them passed on and mourning them and not seeing them anymore or mourning them while we can still see and hold them? I know this is terrible!!!
I just feel so sad now!!! I'm crying a lot more again!
Peace and lots of hugs to Jazzy. I don't think I have any answers, but like all of us here, can certainly empathize. I hate this disease. If there's any up side to the empty bed, I guess it's that now DH is gone, I can use my flannel sheets, down comforter, and multiple fluffy down pillows to my heart's content. He liked a very spartan kind of bed--smooth, percale sheets, flat pillows, a very light blanket on top. I slept OK like that for years--and of course had to do lots of cosy snuggling to stay warm and comfortable. : D But I do prefer our bed made up as it is now. When I get in at night, I feel like I'm burrowing into a warm nest. I still have all his pictures, the flag, the crucifix, his "World's Best Grandpa" mug all around me in the room, and kiss his picture (s) before I go to sleep. It helps a little.
Thanks for your feedback Jazzy. I am sorry you had a middle of the night cry too and on the other hand I find it tremendous we all know so clearly that others truly get it here.
We are in this together and when I am crying or swearing loudly about this disease I know others around Canada and the U.S. might be sharing a moment with me.
Love your comment elizabeth about "...burrowing into a warm nest." Going to make some changes to my bed to get that feeling. Thank you.
Well guess what? Tomorrow I will be going out to buy two sets if flannelette sheets. I am freezing at night. I have a big fluffy duvet that will be going on again. Nice big fluffy PJ's are next. I had already made the room mine but now I need to keep warm. I also have an electric mattress pad that sure is nice on those every cold nights. I turn it on about two hours before I go to bed and turn it off as I crawl in for the night. I love it. We do know what it feels like. Even though each one of our loved ones is in a different stage and different form if dementia, we know!!! I give thanks everyday for each of you!