Well, July 29, 1989 was a very warm, sunny, tears of joy, happy day. Looking forward to a bright future, dreams, and growing old.
July 29, 2008, a bit cooler, cloudy, a few light showers, a bittersweet day.
Naw. Really it was just another blah day. Looking forward to the end of a nightmare, hoping to dream new dreams..... before I grow old.
It's now the third year he was clueless. Last August he asked if we were married. Then he asked when our anniversary is. I told him we'd had it the month before. He asked why he didn't know. I told him he knew. Then he asked if he got me anything. I lied, "yes, we exchanged cards. They were very nice." Then he asked what he got me. I said, "we agreed not to spend money on trinkets, but we had a nice dinner." He said, "Oh, Good!"
Last year one of the kids came in the kitchen and said, "Mom, isn't this you guys' anniverary?" And I very quickly said, "Shhhhh! I don't want to say anything. It'll bother Dad, and he'll start pressuring me to go out and get cards, and ask me where we're going for dinner. I just don't want to go through with that anymore."
So this year even the kids haven't remembered. But I don't mind that one bit. Daughter had an appt with her psychologist, but she wasn't feeling well. Her psychologist has always taken occasions to include me since she knows alot of daughters issues are in part due to her Dad having AD. I decided to give myself an anniversary gift. I went to daughters appt without her. And I took my time driving home.
New Realm, I want to extend to you my regards on your anniversary. I have counted and have come up with 19 years of marriage which is to be proud of ....I know from m;y own experience that these milestones are no longer greeeted with joy but with sadness that our sweetheart is not aware of the date to celebrate the occasion. My husband and I have been married for 57 years but for the past 10 years he has not been aware of the significance of marriage or me as his wife. I feel that I have a sacred responsibility to protect the memory of our years of marriage and our lives together during these years. I do have a bitter regret that we could not celebrate our 50 years anniversary as I had so looked forward to that particular occasion but that is another regret among many. Did anyone remember your special day? If not, I am remembering it with you and lift our imaginary glasses of champagne for a toast to your many years of marriage to your sweetheart.
Those milestones are becoming unbearable. My husband's birthday is this Saturday. My daughter is driving up to spend the day with me so I won't be alone. We will take a cake to his facility but he will not understand why or enjoy it. I am so sorry for all of us.
I know how you feel. Our 58th anniv was March 25. He has never asked if we exchanged cards or had dinner or anything. I felt sad about that as he's always been quite romantic and gets beautiful cards for me. I'm glad you had a nice quiet drive home by yourself. I'd love to do that. I can't drive anymore and am now selling my pretty little red car. Oh well. I'm going to spend the $$ on new cabinets for my kitchen. The old ones are literally falling off the walls.
our anniversary was yesterday,29 years. the day was almost normal ,so it was what i consider, a good day for both of us. i was very thankful to have a good day,no crying. jav
Our 42nd wedding anniversary was June 30th. M had no idea that it was our anniversary. I asked how long we had been married and she replied "a long time" and "forever." I took a photo of us in the yard holding hands on that day. We once took anniversary photos with us holding numbers for how many years we had been married. This year she could not hold the numbers or understand what they were. I was thankful she could still walk and be at home.
Our 54th anniversary was on June 26. We had dinner at our retirement Inn with 2 couples who have been friends for almost 30 years. I'm not sure DW knew what it was about, and I know she doesn't remember it. I try to look at all the fun things we have done over the years.
We had our 32 in June. Our special days have not been so special for many many years. If I get excited and plan something, he either gets tired and picky which takes the fun out of it. Or, he gets really excited and wants to make great plans and then either his plans don't work out and he gets angry. Or, he gets overwhelmed by his plans and he gets angry. It doesn't matter what special day; it could be Christmas, our anniversary, our birthdays, whatever. then I usually have to do all the work myself while he sulks on the couch.
I remember one Mothers Day when he wanted to have his mom for dinner. It was a nice thought and the thing to do. He had told me that I didn't have to do a thing because I was a mother to. He was going to have can vegs, steak on the grill and a baked potato. He was able to handle it all and was happy with his plans. But the day before and the day of, he started falling apart. He felt guilty for not inviting his sibs. So he invited five additional people. Then he thought he had to invite our children and their families. Then he got mad because they had made other plans already. Then he thought that we needed more food and asked me to make a salad. So I went to the store and got bagged salad (for the first time ever, now I use it all the time) and used it in the salad. I got in big trouble because I should have made a real salad for his mother. This was may be 6 years ago and it was so unlike him at the time. Since then, I have been very careful about what I allow his plans to become.
On our 30 anniversary, he got really mad at the kids for not thinking about planning a big "to do" for us. He kept telling me that kids are suppose to do things like that. At the time, we didn't have a clue what was going on with his moods and anger and he had been picking on everyone for a while. I and the kids didn't want a thing to do with him.
Even a visit now to his mom and dad's can cause his to be upset for a couple of days.
Our anniversary this year was great. I did not allow any plans to be made. Both kids came by to visit, no big deal was made of the day, just a nice visit and a "happy anniversary." I fixed a nice dinner and told him I loved him.
I learned many years back to not "shoot for the stars" or get my hopes up. It works out much better for us, if whatever happens occurs "spur of the moment."
Walking past the TV this morning I heard the word "anniversary." For a moment I thought, "Uh, Oh!" Because sometimes that is all that is needed. A word to get DH thought processes going. I didn't want to get into that "what day is our anniversary?" Cuz DH has a calendar on his watch.
Anyway, over the next 20 or 30 minutes I noted a look of deep thought or concern on DH face. Finally he spoke up and said, "Know what? I'm feeling really bad. I had a girlfriend down there in Santa Barbara. I don't know why I came here, but when I left there I didn't say anything to anyone." We moved from SB to the NW almost 8 yrs ago. He says, "I left a really great girlfriend down there, and I wonder if she'll ever see me again. She's a really neat lady. Beautiful person." DH continues to bring it up every 20 - 30 minutes and is genuinely bothered. Finally I asked him, "what's her name?" He answered, "Diana" to which I just say "Oh." So I think to myself I should feel lucky that he said my name. But I would have had a difficult time trying to hold back my laughter if he said his ex-wifes name.
Guess that must be the warped sense of humor I use as a coping mechanism.
It's our anniversary today. *sob. I decided not to go visit him, self preservation. He doesn't have a clue, but I do.. and I mourn the loss of all we were something fierce! Days like today, just make it all the harder. :( *sigh
Oh Nikki, I'm so very sorry. I don't blame you for not visiting him today. Big hugs to you today. I won't wish you a "happy", but only that you can find peace.
Nikki, I feel your pain. It does hurt when our love one does not remember those important dates. Like you I mourn the loss. I wish I had some magic for you to get thru the day. Just know we will be sending you good thoughts. Do something for yourself today.
Nikki, just remember your wedding day, and the good times, and celebrate the happy years you had with him. It's all we have left now.... With All my love, dear friend!
Nikki, like the others say do something special for yourself today, i keep thing my dh has a b-day at the end of this month, do we go and celebrate with him or forget it, and fathers day is coming what do we do then
Marygail, I say if he doesn't know it's his birthday or father's day - then do whatever make YOU happy. My DH knew it was his BD, but didn't want to do anything. So I told him I would like to go out to dinner and he said okay. We went, nothing was said about his birthday, but I enjoyed my dinner! LOL
New Realm we were married in 89 also May 7th,retired had a birthday an got married all in the same week,at least we had 20 good years before this $%#&*(
Tomorrow (6/6) will be our 33rd anniversary. I will take him his brightly wrapped gift and a sweet card. I already know his eyes will light up when he sees his gift. I will ask him if he would like to do something. If it is something in anyway possible I will make it happen. He will probably just want to walk outside around the building then sit on the love seat on the front porch. I know for sure this is the last anniversary we will celebrate so it will be all about him. I won't stay more than 2 hours. I get too depressed trying to make something of our relationship. Tomorrow evening I plan to have my first really big pity party. I will sit alone on our deck and reminisce about the last 35 years. The good times and the bad. I will celebrate the many good times we had and mourn those that will never happen. In my minds eye I will see his cocky self-confident walk, his bright root beer eyes and the silly facial expressions he used to make me laugh. I will hear his soft low phone voice and his sooo off key rendition of Happy Birthday. I will feel the comforting warmth of his body and feel his hand holding mine. Then I will drink 3.. nor make that 4 Washington Apple martinis. When I finish crying I will go to bed and never visit this place in my heart again. cs
cs, my heart aches for you. Go ahead with the pity party if you need it. We'll all come and join you in cyberspace. Many, many hugs and arms around. I do hope the two of you can do something that will make you both happy. Peace and love to you.
In a relative sense Nikki, I understand the feeling this anniversary. I remember that when I started this thread last summer re: our anniversary I kept saying to myself that we were gonna show all those doubting Thomas' who thought we'd never make it past 5 years, that the summer of 2009 we'd be celebrating a 20th. Well, we are coming upon what would have been our 20th next month. It wll be a melancholy sort of day. I will hurt, and be sadder that he is not physically present, yet at the same time thankful that he isn't tortured by AD, and I am better able to look back on the wedding day with fondness.
Nikki and cs, I send wishes for comfort and fond memories for you.
Nikki, boy do I know. And our Anniversary and his birthday are only a couple of days apart. My daughter and her family arrived ready to do the birthday stuff in February, or not, depending on how things went. We decided together not to do anything. It would have just confused the hell out of him.
Two months later we did do my birthday, because I needed to do it. Nothing too fancy, just a cake and candles after supper and a mug from my grandson, but it was something I needed.
Well today was our 30th anniversary and it wasn't so bad. Didn't do anything. He did remember; asked me to take him to the store so he could buy me a card. Told him that wasn't necessary -- I said why don't we each save our money and he was happy to do so. I just wanted the day to be over -- did not want to think of happy ones in the past and did not want any fuss made for this one.
I spent the evening cleaning the screened porch which gave me the opportunity to do two things: (1) clean the porch (duh!) and (2) think of and pray for those of you in very hard spots right now -- and there are many of you, bluedaze, nikki, susan, mary, and all the ones I forgot...
It seems to me like we are all on a long, difficult journey that we want to end but none of us wants to get where we know we are going...
Weejun, yesterday was our 46th, but since DW doesn't think I am her husband, what did it matter? You have a screened porch? I would LOVE one. The city won't let me 'cause of required set-back in the back, so I am building one in the front (only 4 feet deep, darn it).
Well, mine is in the front! Was surprised when the builder put it there but he knew what he was doing. We've got rockers out there and a little bistro table w/chairs, ceiling fans and electric heater (with simulated flame!!) so I use it alot. It gets afternoon shade so it's perfect for wine. 4 ft is plenty deep for a porch -- all you need is space to squat a spell!
One week from today, July 29, would have been Paul's and my 20th anniversary. For years I thought 20 would be a really meaningful milestone. We missed it by four and a half months. I hope to just keep myself very busy that day and try not to think about it.
Thanks dean, I think all of us enjoy everyone's posts...it's just that sometimes we don't respond because we either don't know much about the problem, or we don't know what to say, but we care. Imohr, I have been taking the med for 11 days now, and have a follow-up dr. appt. tomorrow, but she thinks I've been taking them for about 21 days. Hope it's not a waste of time. Actually I think she wants to follow up on initial blood work showing platelets on the low side, and my weight....so not really a waste of time.
TJ--Your feeling crappy might be because of the weight loss and low platelets. Be straight with her on how long you've actually been on the meds. I bet a little more time on them and you'll become aware that you're handling things easier. When I went on a med, the initial improvement was subtle and at first I didn't think anything was happening. Then one day a couple weeks after I started, something happened AGAIN and I dealt with it. Later that day it dawned on me that the last time that had happened, it had blown me out of the water and I had gotten next to nothing done for the rest of the day. I was sleeping better too. When we get run down--mentally or physically, it takes a while to pull ourselves back up. See the Doc and hang in there. The best is yet to be.
New Realm, I know that will be tough to handle, but know that we will be thinking about you at that time, too. DW and I had 20 great years before her cancer struck, which is a lot more than some people have, and for which I am thankful. Carosi, I really do think I am feeling and sleeping better now. I'll bet the med is having some effect already. Being 'down' is different from being devastated. Sleeping better, but still not long enough.