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  1.  
    My kids seem to think just telling dh he has to be in a safer place than I can provide for him is enough but I don't think dh will buy that. I have been thinking of telling him he has to set up a work office somewhere besides home. He will have a large room so we are taking a chair or two, tv, etc.

    What are you planning to tell your dh?
  2.  
    Well, I posted earlier - but it went away! I never tell DH anything ahead of time. I will get him in the car (hopefully) and drive to the NH, when we get there I'll tell him his doctor wanted him to go in for a couple of tests to help him walk better. I'll know more tomorrow about their procedure to admit. Haven't seen a room yet, so don't know about furniture, clothes or anything.

    Hope it goes well for you, shirley.
    • CommentAuthormothert
    • CommentTimeOct 23rd 2013
     
    Hope it goes well for both of you.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeOct 23rd 2013
     
    good luck for you Vickie and crossing fingers things go quickly quietly and all good for you tomorrow!!

    Shirley best of luck to you and dh as well. its got to be so hard to leave but in the longrun we see here so many have adapted so well.
    divvi
    • CommentAuthorlulliebird
    • CommentTimeOct 23rd 2013
     
    Vickie, I am praying that it goes smoothly for you. I know that these last few months are been so difficult. You are a wonderful caretaker and you are doing a terrific job in caring for your dear Stu.

    ((hugs))
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeOct 23rd 2013
     
    Ladies my heart goes out to you both. ((Hugs))
  3.  
    Wishing you both smooth sailing. I will pray for you.
    Bonnie
  4.  
    shirley and Vickie you are certainly in my heart right now, and I wish for all good to come your way.
  5.  
    My trying to give dh a reason for being "away from home" has come to an end. I really gave it a lot of thought and tears. I have come to the conclusion that telling the truth is the best way to go. I will tell him that I am not strong enough to care for him anymore due to his loss of strength therefore he will have to stay where he can regain his strength and be safe.

    Can't talk about it ahead of time...he will only forget. It will have to wait until the actual day of placement.

    My stomach is in knots and tears are flowing.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeOct 24th 2013
     
    My wife's neurologist and psychiatrist told her that she needed to move into an ALF. While she reacted badly both times, it was better than me bringing up the subject. In our cases they emphasized our son's health. They pointed towards my health too. But they also emphasized that she needed the more stable environment with more routine (my wife would be upset if a dump truck drove by our house because it made too much noise).

    After being told the 2nd time she was upset, but decided in a few days that she couldn't live with the chaos at home.

    Like your situation, I would never have been able to convince her about my need for respite when she was living at home (she contacts me so often I feel that I still need respite). The idea of me taking a trip without her is beyond her imagination, she has no idea how much stress she causes the rest of the family on vacation.

    So I think a possible key is to emphasize one aspect that he could understand. In our case it is related to our son needing peace for his last 2 years of high school. I think saying that you are unable to care for him anymore 24/7 could be the hook.

    I understand your feelings. I never felt comfortable bringing up the subject with her, even after she agreed to the move.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeOct 24th 2013
     
    Thinking of you all and adding my prayers for strength and peace.
    This, too, will pass.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2013
     
    My heart goes out to both of you. I think I got off easy with him having to go to the hospital and then going to be transferred over. He still doesn't know he isn't coming back home. Once he is settle then I and the nurse or doctor will tell him.
  6.  
    Not placing him next week. I could not bear to walk through the dementia unit with everyone in wheelchairs, slumped over, yelling and screaming 'help me'. He is not like that. Also ran into a little problem (before applying for medicaid), and the nursing home people were telling me not to mention certain things, and if I had to cash in life ins. policies to go out and buy a car, furniture, 50" TV's, - stuff I don't need. This is a bunch of crap. I will need the policies for "after". Nor will I lie about anything. So...we are staying home for now. Will worry about it 'later'. Tomorrow is another day.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2013
     
    You are on the right path, and a way will open up for you. Love to you, friend.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2013
     
    For advice on Medicaid and finance I recommend seeing an eldercare attorney. Don't buy stuff you don't want or need. Putting money into the house (paying down mortgage, repairs, improvements) is a good idea. A new car could be a good idea if you think you will need to replace it in the next few years. And I would be honest with the Medicaid folks.

    The insurance policy is a different issue. I am assuming that this is whole life and not a term policy. If whole life it is considered an asset and Medicaid may require that it be cashed in and the value go towards your husband's care. But maybe not. Which is why I recommend seeing an eldercare attorney.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2013 edited
     
    Vickie I don't blame you. they make it so difficult to get any help. so sorry your experience was dire. but yes it makes for a cruel wakeup call to visit some of those facilities. another day may be better and in a new frame of mind if he gets further along. best bet would be have inhome help asap so you don't get to over stressed.
    divvi
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2013
     
    Awwww Vickie, yes that is so very hard to see! When I was searching for Lynn there were several places that I never made it to the door before I burst out bawling. So tragic, but thankful those dear souls have a place too. But no, Lynn isn't that bad either and I just couldn't place him in one of those places either.

    Sorry for the finacial struggle. We lost all of our assests (life ins policies included) with my health issues. I had good insurance too! But, 20% of brain surgery is a LOT of money. Multiply that times 7 and it would bankrupt most people. It isn't just Alzheimer's that bankrupts us, any medical condition can and does.

    I hope you are able to get enough in home help to give you the breaks you need! ((Hug))
  7.  
    Fortunately, he is still going to DC! Home health will be here for another few weeks- at least the bathing is a good-thing or God-send! He cooperates with them. Will just have to see how it goes.
  8.  
    Vickie I admire you for your integrity. Some private home care agencies offer wake up and tuck in services.
  9.  
    Thanks, bluedaze*. I spent everything we had when my son was going through the pancreas an kidney transplants. And after his death, I took him off my ins. policies and put Stu back on, in the event I died before him. But it's inside the 'lookback' period, so I'm out of luck on that.

    I don't really need help in the morning for wake up - we're both up around 6 a.m. He goes to bed around 6 p.m.,so that's ok,too. Then he is stil going to DC 3 hrs. each morning. But the sundowning starts at 1 p.m.-to usually around 5, when we eat dinner. But I've played with his meds, so he isn't violent - just confused and asking all those questions! But I can handle that.
  10.  
    Vickie-wish you the strength to do what you have to do-and with so much grace.
  11.  
    Vickie and Shirley, my heart goes out to you. I wish there was a way to help.

    Jan