My husband went to daycare twice last week. It's a very nice center with higher functioning dementia patients. Tomorrow he is schedule to go and tonight he has announced that he will no longer go because "it's a waste of time". He's so rebellious and still cognitive enough that I can't fiblet and say, "we're are going for a ride...." Any suggestions?
He's sucking the life out of me with his behavior and I desperately need some respite time. Please don't suggest that I tell him I need this time because he could give a rat's ass about anything I want.
They can be their own worst enemy and end up in care sooner when they've exhausted their caregiver. Sorry, I never found anything to change my husband's mind once he'd made it up. About the best you can do is hire someone to come in to clean (but really to watch over him), and you take 4 hours for yourself to recharge your batteries.
Yes, Mary75 that was a thought however, this is 12 hours daycare provided free by the area on aging. If I don't use this time I will lose it.
So very true about their worst enemies. I have tried reverse psychology and inspite of his dementia he's pretty clever at times. We have an appointment with his neurologist Thursday so this will definitely be out there about his noncompliance.
Bonnie, I was just about to say that to him, but I know my limits of pushing him over the edge. He possibly could become violent. He doesn't think that this is an adult daycare, but rather an activity center for seniors with dementia.
So burned out dealing with him and his nasty behavior I could just sit down and cry if he refuses tomorrow. Time for a big fat glass of merlot
I'm trying to think of something that might work for you. Why don't you ask the daycare center for help, and see what they suggest. .....Or how about this?....Have someone from the center call him and tell him how much they miss him, and that he is so helpful and valuable when he is there. Or if he cannot use the phone, just tell him they called and they need him.
That's what I had to do with DH. He thought he was going to 'work', so they would call him and tell him this was a 'work' day and they were waiting for him to come help them.
This worked for my husband when he said "he didn't think he'd bother going any more, it was boring, etc.":
I told him that his day away programs were NOT a babysitting service so that I could have time without him. They were designed to help him with his dementia. The games and trivia etc. are specially designed for people with dementia and to help fight the progression of the disease. And that interacting with the other people was not because I thought he needed to make new friends but that the socializing was also found to be a positive thing for his illness.
It has worked so far, but I guess it only works if the person is aware that they are having problems. If they think there's nothing wrong with them I can't see how this would help.
And maybe you can get the neurologist on board too. Slip him a note that he is to tell DH that he needs to get out and be around other people more and he happens to know that this is an excellent place to volunteer AND get the socialization that will help his brain and he recommends it to his other patients! Good luck.
lullie not sure exactly what meds yours is on but if hes on something maybe time to up the anty a bit so hes more compliant and less nasty. they cann help remedy their behaviors without drugging them. talk to his neuro when you see him and explain his belligerence and agitation and your fear you can tilt the boat with him too easily. I know we don't want to use these meds to our advantage unless we have to. but that said, if when the situation arises we need them to comply there really isn't any other way but to up their meds or try something new til we find one that works. I used many of the hard core ones mid stage for control and then when he became more easily managed took him off. so I guess it can be at times our only weapon to keep us and them safe and happier while moving forward. normal reasoning with them doesn't hold as we know.
lullie--there have been many posts in the past about this. The standard story that adult day programs use for participants in the earlier stages is that they are volunteering. A good program will try to find an activity that seems like volunteer work. For example, the first center my husband attended had him push people in wheelchairs to other rooms, sat him at a table of little old ladies for lunch where he could "take care" of their needs (i.e., get them drinks, etc.). This was when he was early stage and in great physical condition. As the disease progressed, another center had him sit with a staff member and "help" her with paperwork. This appealed to him because he had been a CPA, so it seemed normal. I've seen participants that were given a broom and asked to sweep, hand out song sheets during a musical program, etc. All these activities preserve dignity and make it seem less like a babysitting service. In addition, pursue the meds Divvi mentioned.
P.S. I even told my husband he was being paid to volunteer and showed him the LTC insurance check as proof. I was determined to get the respite I needed. I remember an old post here where someone paid a center a bit extra and they reissued the money in a check with the husband's name on it, so he thought it was a real paycheck.
Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions and I appreciate each and everyone of you for chiming in your experienced opinions and creative fiblets!
He did go to daycare this a.m. without a fuss and went so far as showering without coaching!
Divvi, I agree ---I do think that it's time to up the "cooperation" medicines He's very testy to me, but to the outside world seems to know how to play the game for his benefit. Today he was given a MMSE and scored 27/30. I really question the accuracy of the MMSE because his memory sucks. It was administered in the late rnoon as well! He confabulates well and fills in the gaps to cover and cope with his deficits. Some spouses would rejoice in his scores, but unfortunately I grief as I see no end in sight because of his behavioral issues
I feel so very blessed to have this site to gain knowledge, vent and be truthful with judgement. Thank you all! And of course, thank you Joan G for your continued efforts in allowing this availability to spouses as we paddle to stormy dementia waters.
Lillie, I'm jhabing problems getting my DH to go also, but I'm not getting 12 hrs free. I am paying for it. He just thinks its a place where seniors hang out. He also could care less how I need him to go. I'm determined he's going more. I've only took him 3 times. I get to feeling sorry for him, then his nastiness comes out and I feel sorry for me, a nd take him again. I really don't see how I'm gonna live thru many more years of this. The worse hasn't even started and I'm lredy worn out.
lullie - if you read Joan's old post Sid got high scores too. My husband scored 21/30 on his recent one. Any good dementia doctor realizes it is only one tool of many to check them. The biggest and most important took are their spouses/caregivers report.