By now I thought I could cope with anything. Like the rest of our group I have lost all hopes and dreams. Today when I went to visit Bill he was in his usual recliner-oblivious to all the activity going on. I noticed his wedding ring was gone. We have been married for 49 years and the ring has never been off his finger. The ring mark is still there. His fingers are slightly swollen so I know it didn't fall off. The entire staff is helping look for it. Compared to how much else I have lost this should be trivial-but it hurts so much. I have not cried since this monster showed it's ugly self but I'm about to now.
I doubt very much that it was stollen. Bill was probably playing with it and worked it off. Your're right about crying-but somehow I can't. The one visit I made to a therapist (and that was because I thought i was supposed to) "gave me permission to cry". I have the feeling that if I ever let go I'll lose the whole ball game. Color me crazy!
I had to take my husband's ring off two years ago when it kept slipping off his finger. We put it in a treasure chest on his nightstand, where it resides to this day. I hope you are able to find his ring!!!! It is an important keepsake!
I was devastated when my husband could no longer be trusted with his wedding ring on him. He did lose it a couple of times but we found it. The symbol isn't trivial - it means a lot so have your cry. Hopefully they or you will find it. My sister wore her husband's around her neck on a chain when he could no longer wear it.
I cried the 1st time in years the other night (also a non cryer) and it does stop, you don't "lose it." It's just a good healthy release. It was that lion video that got me going. Bet the ring shows up in the most unexpected place.
bluedaze, I can't cry either. When my mom was ill, I cried once. It was a good cry in my car in the parking lot at work. I will lose too much of my will-power and energy if I let it out. The time will come whne crying will be easier. Please let us know when you find the ring. If you can't find it, get him another one. The symbol will be the same. At least that's how I feel. It's something that you can hold on to through this.
My husband took his wedding ring off last week while at the memory care facility and couldn't remember where he put it and I too was heartbroken because it is such a special symbol of our marriage (25 years) and it never came off. We looked everywhere for it but to no avail. Last Thursday he wento to a Geri-Psych program at one of our hospitals to possibly change some of his medications in hopes of reducting the aggitation and agression. Guess what , he found his ring in one of the pant pockets and now it is locked up with the hospitals security. So bluedaze, there is still hope of finding it, DON'T give up.
I was adamant that my DW's ring should stay with her in the NH. Everyone told me not to leave it with her, but the thought of removing it from her made me ill.
Then the NH called me to say that she had taken it off. Did I want to come get it? I said NO...I gave it to her 41 years ago, and it's hers to do with as she pleases, lose or keep. Whatever happened to it was God's will, right?
The NH called again...she had taken it off and wadded it up in a napkin. It was nearly thrown out, but a quick thinking employee caught it at the last moment. They asked again, rather pleading, didn't I want to come get it?
I decided I was being selfish. The NH didn't want to be responsible for it. I was putting my desires on a situation that was no longer there. God was trying to tell me to take care of it for her, and was giving me as many chances as He could to get the ring. So I have it. When she passes, it will go to my DD. That's much better than a landfill.
bluedaze...it may turn up. Stranger things have happened. Your cry is not for the ring, but for the man. You certainly are entitled.
unlike most of you,i am at the verge of tears most of the time,i have to put on that happy face,but is is hard. i cry at night or when i am alone in my car. i have my dhs wedding ring put up. he never wore it very much. he has always worked on the farm and it was just to dangerous to wear a ring when it could get caught in some kind of farm equipment. he was always working on something. sunday i trimmed his nails and almost lost it. for the first time since i have known him,[30 yrs] his nails were perfectly clean. he worked so hard on the farm,that no matter how much he scrubbed his hands and nails,they always had that tell tell sign of grease under his finger nails. those days are long gone and my heart breaks when i see the little "trival" things that no one else would probably notice. our first set of wedding rings,he made them out of stainless steel. they were perfect. his was stolen when our house was broken into many years ago. our oldest daughter wears mine on her pointer finger. it will go on to our granddaughter along with the story of how papa made it for me. jav
I also made the decision to put my husb's wedding ring into our safe deposit box, along with another ring he wore all the time...he kept removing them. Even didn't want to wear the wedding ring at times because he said "I don't know what this one is for"...very heartbreaking. I would remind him, and then he would say "oh, okay, I want to wear it", but after a while, I decided to put both rings away and avoid the sadness of that reminding thing. Hurts too bad. He too also wore his rings faithfully for 20 years. Very sad thing.
Bluedaze----as everyone else has said, this is not trivial, it's heartbreaking like everything else in this disease. About two months ago, my DH and I were out at a restaurant, and I noticed his wedding ring was gone. We were in the middle of the driving/taking away the keys situation,and he had been so mean to me, and when that happened, I too lost it and burst into tears in the middle of the restaurant. His explanation seemed to be something like he was trying different things to "help my memory" and that was what he wanted to try that day. He seemed concerned about the tan line on his ring finger and maybe thought if it went away it would help his memory? Anyway, my sobbing in public must have made an impression, because he put his ring on the next day and hasn't taken if off since. Anyway, we're all thinking of you, crying with you, etc. and hope you find it!
My DH has never worn his ring since two months after we were married when he almost lost a finger at work. It is safe and sound in my hope chest in brand new condition. Some day, I may bring it out and wear it. It would be so much more practical than my rings. My little danty lady rings don't go very well with gardening, four-wheeling and other activities that I like to do. I always felt bad, in the younger years, that he wouldn't wear the ring but he was able to convince me why and I understood.
I so hope you find it. It's such an important symbol. And, I don't cry either. But having a lump stuck halfway down my throat is terrible. Do try and let yourself cry. You'll just release so much tension. Blessings!
My wife M always liked to wear her wedding ring. I made a beautiful his and hers pair of 14kt gold rings for us when we were married in 1966. Over the years, I even made several different sets of wedding rings as she liked a little variety. Several years ago she started loosing her jewelry and I quietly put our wedding rings in a safe place. She never noticed. This year I tried a different tactic to deal with her AD. I made a matched pair of wedding rings out of inexpensive 10 kt gold filled metal. If that is lost, I can just make another. She has worn it day and night ever since.
My wife often looks at her wedding and engagement rings and says we have to take care of them. I have to reassure her that they are fine. Once she took the engagement ring off, but I was able to get it back on again. It's hard to get over her enlarged joint.
I stopped by the site today to do a little reading and found this thread. I have cried so much in the past 8 years, I can't imagine what I would be like if - well, yes I can. My style is to let the emotions go and then get on with whatever. I get very depressed for periods. Then something starts nagging at me and something is telling me to move on.
DH and I had a long talk today. I get to a point where I get angry, vent and then try to make sense of what I have to do next. He blames himself for the Alzheimer's - and knows it doesn't make sense, still he does it.
We were so impressed last night with ABC's WorldNews segment on the woman with AD who went to Washington to speak. I hate the nightly news but had left it on and so we watched. Did anyone else see it? I can't find a link to it yet on their site.
We realize the importance of teaching others how to deal with AD. DH is a bright, bright man. Don't talk to him in any other way. I asked if he could try looking a store clerk or bank teller in the eye and telling her/him that he is struggling with making change because of Alzheimer's and he would appreciate their patience?
He said he would give it a try.
Peace. Cry if you must, don't if you must, take medication, join a support group or not. Do take care of you.
You are very lucky and fortunate that you DH understands that he is dealing with something and you can talk with him about it. The majority of patients with dementia have no idea that they have a problem and the problem is usually their caregiver. when I show any emotion whether it be anger, sadness, crying, etc. it has the potential of causing "big" problems for me. Probably the reason I don't cry. If I let my guard down even a little bit, then he gets on the defensive and trouble starts. It's ok for me to cry if I stub my toe or for another "good" reason. But he has to see an obvious reason or the trouble starts.
I did not see the show you are talking about. I would be interested in a link, if you find it.
Mary: I know just what you are talking about. My DH does the same thing to me if I tear up. He will ask me what in the world are you crying about or why are depressed.?..then he begins to tell me for the 100th time that if he had AD which he doesn't believe he does, that it is so minor because he can do all these things which he begins to list everything he can do by himself from cutting his toenails to using his computer for simple games. geezzz...give me a break!..Let me cry and get it out of my system. That is just what I am doing this morning...I am having good ole cry.
I guess its symbolic inmy case too, i havent worn my ring in a while either. and i took DH off as he would lose everything. they are in the safety box as well.the analytical side of me says the marriage is gone so maybe the idea of wearing the ring as well. plus i find myself wearing black clothes more so than often and my friends/family comment all the time about the black clothes. my closet is full of them. its a sign of yrs of mourning the loss of it all. the married 'widow' is oh so true. so i guess in retrospect its easier to be a caregiver without the marriage band on my finger. it lessens the pain not seeing it on my finger. divvi
when my husband was working he had a white collar, suit and tie job. He NEVER left the house without his wedding ring on and a gold pinky ring.
After retirement he spent much time in the yard working, and doing casual activities so the ring was only worn when we went to dinner, church, etc.
In the past few years DH "misplaces" his ring alot, and I always "find" it for him. A few months ago while we were out to an appt DH was commenting about the weight he's lost, and his ring becoming too loose. He handed me his ring right then and there for safe keeping. I put it in a zippered compartment of my purse.... (I refer to my purse as "the black hole"), and forgot about it being in there. I assumed for a long time that it was back in DH's "box" atop his dresser, and I left well enough alone. If I started looking or asking about it and didn't find it immediately it would have started DH's obsessing again over the ring and "who stole it?" (this happens with his wallet too).
Just last week we were at a Pancake house and I was searching my purse for something. Lo and behold I came across the ring. I haven't mentioned it at all to DH. The less he wears it the better. Right now for him it's "outta sight, outta mind." And I like it that way.
I haven't worn my rings since we had company last summer. If I don't wear mine it doesn't catch DH attention evoking him to get on his "where's my ring?" tangents. I also do not "feel" married, and somehow, when I do think about it and put it on..........well, to be honest it doesn't feel natural. Doesn't feel right. Sigh...........................
I also don't cry. I haven't cried yet. I'm not really sure why. I did cry during the 9 hour surgery in 1991, but not on the day he got his pacemaker. I cried during my mother's funeral, but not right after she died. I cried and cried and cried when I figured out what being dead meant when I was 7 and realized my father wasn't ever coming back. That can still make me teary.
I took off my wedding ring when I had a bad allergic reaction to all metals nearly 40 years ago. Can't wear jewellery of any kind most of the time. My husband's wedding ring is in his jewellery box. Like a lot of the men here he couldn't wear it on the job because of safety reasons.
Fortunately, my husband started losing weight at home, before going to the care home. He and I took it off together and put it in a safe place. Recently, I gave it to our daughter, who cried when she got her dad's ring.
My wife wears her ring sometimes and other time she doesn't wear it. We haven't lost it yet. I think it is a good idea to get them to take the ring off sometimes, especially if it is a woman's ring with any stones in it. My wife's ring has a pretty good sized rock on it, I would hate for her to lose it. To her credit she is still very careful with it.
no expensive jewelry for my DH anymore. our last trip to europe think DH was still pretty good to travel, we passed thru a security check for one of the museums in Paris and DH took his 18k watch off and left it and walked thru. i noticed it half way thru the tour and ran back, of course they said 'no watch'...that was the last time he wore $$$$ jewelry. our deductibe for insur is thousands of dlls to keep the price low. so by the time we could have filed a claim and paid the deductible it was a wash. then our insur would be higher to boot...never ending,..learn from us who lost nice stuff, take it off them-Divvi
The "no expensive jewelry rule" is in effect at my house too, I have asked the kids not to give her any expensive jewelry gifts. She loves earrings but is constantly losing the little gizmos that go on the post behind the ear. Now we only give her earrings that have all of the attachment hardware attached to the earrings. She seems to be quite happy with CZ jewelry. I looked in her jewelry drawer the other day, what a mess, she has a bunch of little boxes with jewelry in them, one earring is in one box, the mate is in another box, other parts are loose in the drawer. I spent about ten or fifteen minutes last Saturday trying to find the two matching earrings she wanted.
She loves her earrings and doesn't consider heself fully dressed without them. Our daughter took her shopping yesterday afternoon, she came back with three new pair of earrings. Fortunately, daughter made sure they all came with the self contained hardware. She is getting a big new jewelry box for Christmas.