I am interested in knowing how your adult children reacted when you suspected something was amiss with your spouse's actions.Our DD immediately agreed with me "Daddy" is acting strangely. But DS said it was all in my perception of DH reactions and actions.Said "Daddy" always kept his temper under control and now he was just showing his true self.And so DS just avoided us as much as possible.He and his wife said I was making too much of things.Oldest GD did notice something was wrong with "Pappy" and was broken hearted.Were any of your children in denial?Is this common?
Hi, honestly I never talked about it too much. When I told them of the diagnosis I do not think they really realized at the time what it would mean. They accepted it and only as the disease progressed did I open up more about it. One of the mistakes I made with my kids is thinking that I wanted to protect them from what it was doing to their father. I felt they had their own lives to live and that basically he was my responsibility. They did take him when I asked but I never asked too much of them until I put him in respite in July and took a vacation. I was gone for a week and they visited him and were able to see the situation for what it was. My children were never in denial in answer to your question but were not aware of how much help he needed. Shortly after I returned we had a family meeting and made the decision for placement. I do not know how one deals with denial other than allowing them to spend time with them so they can see for themselves--the constant repeating and forgetting etc. part of the issue I believe is that they "look normal" especially if they are physically healthy. By best to you
I have had a terrible time with two of our five children. They have been and one still is in total denial. I had family meeting with DH's Phycologist and Psychiatrist but nothing worked. The light finally went on for the oldest one but he still takes DH to places that upset him and that he is visually afraid of, so now no more. The other one has totally cut his Father out and doesn't call or come and see him. He will take no part in his Dad's care or help me in any way. I have tried to arrange family meeting but they always fall through because these two find some way to not do what I ask or come to where I am. They would prefer conference calls which defeat the purpose of " family" meetings. The others? One lives in western Canada and the other two live close by , within an hour drive, and try to help as much as possible. One of them, our daughter has a special needs child but try's to be there for us as much as possible. The other a son, has bi polar and OCD but has taken his Dad for week ends and it works great as he seems to know just what to do for Dad and they have a great time. Do we have denial? You bet and I have just decided that now that DH is in LTC that they can go there and visit but no hockey games where the noise is just to much for DH. They can have lunch with him in the cafeteria in his building. DH gets stressed and seems to be frightened when we take him out of his new home. They will have to open their eyes on their own and or no visit. Denial is so sad and they lose so much time and before long it is to late. Soon DH will say"do I know you" he does that now to people he has known for years but not family yet, but it is coming. I am still left to live my life alone as they still think they need to go and visit Dad and take him out but the phone rarely rings and the door bell never does. I guess they think Mom can do it all but she can't and she gets very lonely. I have spent so much time and energy getting him taken care of and arranging times for me to get a break that now they think I don't need care, but I sure do. The quiet is nice but sometimes I just nee a hug or an invite for coffee out or lunch out. Caregivers woes I guess. That's my story and I bet there will be lots more coming.
Jazzy, I know what you are feeling Jazzy. You put it so well. My kids are great and do call once in a while but I need more than that. Hugs are always good and I am not getting enough of that. I did invite a friend for dinner tonight. She is divorced and I am hoping our relationship will grow to where we can do some things together. I realize I need more socialization and I have realized that I cannot wait for the phone or the doorbell to ring that I must take the first step. I agree with you that I do believe my kids do not think I need care now that he is placed. I feel like I have no purpose since so much of my time and energy was devoted to caring for him. I do not think I realized how much I was doing when he was home. My one friend said it took her 5-6 months after placement to begin to feel halfway normal so I have a ways to go. Take care and hugs to you. CO2
you are so right. six month or more for sure. Right now I have the house to sell, and apartment to find as well as running 78 kilometers there and back to visit him and now he is demanding more visits. he will have to learn a little patience. LOL not likely with this disease.
When I talked to my daughter, her reaction was "So that's what's wrong with him!". She went on to say this explains the change in the way he treated her as she was growing up...later teen years became grumpy and short tempered that got gradually worst over time. She said it made her feel much better because she could never figure out what she was doing wrong. She hasn't been much of a help but then I haven't asked for it either and she is busy working full time and raising young kids.
I think as far as our kids are concerned, even though they know what it is, have no idea what Alzheimer's really is. They still think it no more than memory problems. Since they live in OK and TN, they are not around so do not see.
Due to my own denial, Lynn wasn't diagnosed until he was well into stage 5. By that time there wasn't anyone that couldn't clearly see something was drastically wrong. So no, we didn't have to deal with denial about diagnoses. But as he progressed we did have varying degrees of denial about how bad he was. Only those who live it can truly know.
Adult children's reaction - DD was an emotional disaster waiting to happen, but she has settled down and is now quite supportive, and recognizes that at some point I will not be able to care for her daddy at home anymore. DS took a more practical approach and immediately got involved in fundraising and media relations for the local Alzheimer Association. He says little but understands what is going on, knows I will do what is right. I have been very fortunate in their reactions to my dH's dx!