I don't know if anyone else has had this problem. My husband has suddenly realized that his friends are dead. some of them 15 and 20 yrs ago. DH is 85 yrs old. He has been crying for 2 days, and keeps asking about this or that person. I'm at a loss as to what to say. Because he remembers that they are dead, or he asks me if they are, then tells me, so and so died didn't he. I want to lie and just say, we haven't heard from him, but amazingly, he knows and then starts crying again. I think actually, he's crying because he can't remember.
My husband is in stage 7 (in a facility) and started crying like that. He wasn't able to communicate at all. I made the assumption at first that he was sad about his condition, but really there was no way of knowing. The hospice nurse just put him on continuous Ativan and methedone. He's more sleepy and almost comatose at times, but at least peaceful. I've been told by several people who work with AZ people that they just get stuck in their crying - it's not like it brings them any release or resolution, so the kindest thing is to sedate them.
Chris, have you read "Understanding the Dementia Experience"? Joan put a link to it on the home page. It is helpful in understanding what is going on in the AD mind, and offers some very good tips on how to talk with your husband about this sort of thing.
I would talk with his doctor ... perhaps your husband would do better on an antidepressant. Perhaps one of his current meds is starting to cause depression, that can happen even after they've been on a med for years. (As they get older and the disease gets worse, their metabolism changes and meds start to affect them differently.) If you can't help ease your husband's grief with gentle therapeutic fibs, or changing his current meds etc, then sometimes it is necessary to try medicines that can relieve symptoms such as beenthere's husband had.
Oh Chris that has to be so hard for both of you! I agree that you should talk to his doctor. Lynn has had a few episodes like this as well, the most recent is when I took him to his mothers grave for memorial day. We go a few times every year for the past 14 years, yet this last time he broke down worse than he did at her service. He kept saying I love you mom, no! oh God no! It was heart breaking and can still move me to tears! I think he is living so much more in the past now, that he HAD forgotten she had passed away. I decided I am never bringing him back there again, it was just to painful for him:( I hope your DH can find some peace, nothing upsets me more than when Lynn cries, I am sure it is just as hard for you ~Nikki
We went through several crying episodes. My husband was a very strong person who did not cry so it was a big shock when he did start crying. I would just hold him, tell him I loved him and find a way to distract him. That would usually work. One of the women at the facility where he is often has crying episodes. The CNA's usually hold her hand, hug her and she eventually settles. She often cries because she lost her husband. I have helped her by asking her to tell stories about her husband and that has helped.
Try asking him about some of the things that he did with his friends. Talk about how lucky he was to have such good friends and it what a nice legacy it is for them that he still cares about them. Do you have pictures of your husband with them, get them out and go through them together talking about them.
Of course one day when I was visitng my husband, he was being a real brat that day and nothing would work to get through to him. She was crying and talking about "she didn't know where she would find another husband" and I looked at her and asked her "why would you want one, they can't find what they are looking for even if it is right in front of their face, they don't want to listen to reason and no matter what you do or say, they think they are always right" Well that shocked her out of crying too and she looked at me and said "you are right".
It is the disease that makes them that way and the answer is in trying to figure out what they are really worried about and answering that.
Hello all - I did a search on "crying" and found several threads with good info...decided to add my thoughts to this one. My husb has been crying, nightly, since last Thurs (10/16)...It was the anniv of his mom's death & we didn't go to the cemetary until the 17th, but as Nikki said, "I won't do that again"...oh my goodness!! It has been just awful!! A great friend of ours who just lost her husb in April to ALS (Lou Garrig's disease) came by tonite with dinner for us...it was to be a great evening of fun, however, when my husb saw her he just burst into tears...thinking it was because of the loss of her husb (also my husb's good friend)...he wept & wept...my friend didn't know what to think, but was trying (along with me) to comfort him, change the subject, etc...nothing worked...after Ativan, Lyrica, and a 45 min timeframe, he did settle down, smiled, laughed, ate his dinner, and is now sleeping soundly...these crying spells are literally hell for them & for us!! So so hard to comfort them...after it was all over, he was so sweet -- just like he used to be. When I was just putting him to bed, he said "you are so beautiful"...I feel so sad for him going through these spells...This disease is so so hard...As many of you mentioned, my husb has never openly "cried" -- there may have been watery eyes in our 20 years of marriage, but this is BIG TIME weeping, snotty nose blowing, the whole 9 yards...very very sad. His mom passed away over 14 years ago...I just don't think he ever grieved over that; then his friend passing this past April -- again, no real crying...until now...As someone else mentioned, the news, sad stories, etc. just seem to set him off. My heart is heavy for him each & every time...thanks for listening ~
I discovered a few years ago, that becaquse of my hubby's learning disabilities and Mental Illness, his mind stored his memories, but didn't, age them. As a result, whenever a memory presented, it was as though it had just happened. He would be happy, sad, angry, or whatever--just as though it had just happened. I finally learned to talk him through the memory asking things like, "How old were you then?", and then telling him, "You know you're all grown up. You're __years old now. That happened a long time ago and is all over." When this was happening this seemed to work. Noiw though it's different. Things on TV will set of some crying. Sometimes he can't tell me what went through his mind to set off crying. If I can find out what sets him off, I still try to defuse it, and sometimes it works. Mainly, I try to avoid triggers. Why remind him his mother died? He can't drive anymore? And I try to keep others (family member from doing that). The circuits are broken beyond repair. Why over load them unnecessarily? It happens enough spontaneously.
One of the reasons they tell caregivers NOT to orient dementia patients in time once they've lost the ability to do it for themselves is that even if a parent died decades ago, learning about it is as fresh as if it happened yesterday. And if you remind them of these things, they go through the first grief over and over and over again.
Also, although I haven't gone through any of this, I know that crying jags need to be reported to the doctor. It is one of those symptoms they can help you with. It is also something they need to know about.
My DH asks for his mother, and 2 brothers, all deceased, many times usually daily. he has no concept of the loss or death, so i dont dwell on any of it, just tell him that they will 'see him soon'. i would never try to explain their deaths, it would be overwhelming to him i think. it is very sad even in his mental state he still misses his family and looks for comfort. divvi
With the ever-changing day-to-day mind of Alzheimer's, it becomes more & more of a challenge for a care-giver as to what to say, do, not say, not do, etc...and, as we all know, things that were "fine to chat about" one day, become "not so fine" the next. We walk a fine line in trying to keep things as calm & 'normal' as possible. I like your idea, Divvi, of saying "we'll see him/her soon" if they bring up someone not around...I would never try to explain the death either...just too too hard for them to understand -- kind of like a toddler -- we wouldn't try to fully explain that to a toddler either. Thanks for all the input...I agree that reporting to the dr. is what should be done...did so & that's why they prescribed one of the meds he's now on...hopefully this will pass soon. It's so hard to see them in such a state of unrest. Just trying to get through another day...Thanks for listening and encouraging.
Since I started this thread, we've had several of these crying jags, Which I have mentioned to my doctor. Now what happens is he will say to me, Is so and so die.... were we at the funeral... did we know? etc. Should I lie, and say no that person did not die? When he asks such a straight question, I say yes, and we were there(even if we weren't) and then change the subject. He also has all kinds of physical aches and pains which I'm trying to deal with. I never know if he is really hurting or if he's just complaining.
my dh has gone through the terrible crying spells. it was awful. he cried for a week or so about any thing and wanted to die. it was after our last long trip to the dr. he sees a neurologist closer to home,and i think we are just going to go to him from now on. there is nothing else that can be done but adjust and readjust his meds. adjusting some of his meds and adding new ones really helped. i do have to give him xanex when he get emotional,but he is doing better. i have to monitor the triggers of his sadness,as much as possible. sometimes if family or friends come to see him i think it makes him think of what he has lost,but he is almost past that now. if anything financial is brought up in front of him,he gets upset and worries and he doesn't understand how we will live. we do have a tight budget,but i never speak of it in front of him. the crying and sadness is just awful,i think i can stand about anything besides seeing him weep and grieve so. he has know he has no hope of surviving this terrible diesease,but i don't know if he understands that now. i just try to keep him as peaceful and satisfied as possible. he is somewhere in stage six, and going down fast. meds can certainly help with the crying. i pray it helps others too,not only for their sake,but for the caregivers' sake. jav
DH is getting angrier over the past couple weeks when he demands I take him to his mothers house. He recites the address of his childhood home, and it happens to be over 2,100 miles away from us. His Mom, and a couple of his brothers are deceased, and he demands I take him to see his Mother. We sometimes get in the car and just drive a little, but lately that is less appeasing. I hate to say it, but I almost wish my DH would accept and grieve his parents and brothers passings. Instead, he keeps insisting they are alive and demands to see them. It truly wears me out.
For me, nothing about this damn disease is worse than when you can't comfort their fears, or their tears. Just breaks my heart! When Lynn asks for his mother and can't be side tracked from it. I get my sister who lives with us to come out and stay with him. I go in the other room , use my cell phone to call the house and pretend to be his mom. To some, that may be wrong. But, I don't care. There is no book, no one thing that works for everyone. This grown man is crying for his mother... it kills me! If I can bring him some peace and comfort by pretending to be his mom on the phone, I will.
Definitely not a circumstance to second guess whether you are right or wrong. How can it be wrong if it brings him peace of mind? For what it is worth, I think what you did was very creative. I am so glad it worked...hope it continues to work for him.
Diana, have you read the Jennifer Ghent-Fuller paper, "Understanding the Dementia Experience"? It's very helpful for situations like the one you're in now. It's such a good paper, Joan put a link to it in the green menu bar on the home page. If you don't want to go searching:
Now my DH has started crying too. Just like several people I have found on the "crying" thread, my DH NEVER has been a crier. In 31 years of marriage I bet I have seen him cry less than half a dozen times and at those times it was just a few tears in the eyes. What we have had the last couple of days has been a complete box of Kleenex sobbing events. It will stop and then start again. I think for those of us married to men who perhaps, like so many men, never felt free to cry, this crying stuff is pretty shocking. I am eternally grateful that my daughters were not at home the last couple of days to see it (although they will probably have to face it sometime soon). I tried to just be gentle, rubbing his back and making him a cup of herbal tea. When I asked DH what he was crying about he said several unrelated things like his father’s death (12 years ago) and the loss of his job (3 years ago). At first I was wondering if it was a result of a new medication. My DH started the Exxelon patch just over a week ago. However, now that I see so much about crying on this board I am starting to think it is a common thing. I will most certainly mention it to the Dr. at our next visit though. We are seeing the Dr. every month for the time being and I keep a list of concerns and questions for each appointment. I am also feeling very bad and guilty over all of this crying because I am afraid my actions got it all started. Last week I stayed away overnight with my daughter while looking at out-of-state colleges and when I returned from that trip my DH was crying and has been crying ever since. I thought he would be ok because the Dr. says he can still drive and he still has his car and car keys so he can get out and around, but my husband said he was so lonely he didn't know what to do with himself. Oh I feel like a jerk. The thing is, he didn't want to go with us on the college visits and I didn't want to force him to do it. I don't think I will be leaving him alone again.
Fritz, our Doctor recommended we try the patch instead of aricept last summer and we saw definite signs of decline. Not crying, but more confusion, instability, loss of balance so after a few days of that I switched him back to the aricept on my own. Took him about 3 days to get back to where he was. Last time we were in to the Dr. he recommended he stay on the aricept.
-how sad all of you are dealing with the crying issues. i wouldnt know how to deal with this one either. we are prepared for lots of personality issues surfacing but crying and feeling so bad surely would strike my cord in a dramatic way. my DH only tears up but not full on crying stints. i like nikki would do just about anything to stop it if it happens. i am sorry its just probably a part of AD as usual and so many are dealing with this same subject. since i havent experienced it so far, all i am sending hugs to both you AND the dear souls who are so sad. if they arent on antipressants ask their dr- divvi
On my DH's bad days, he cries a lot. Big sobbing cries. After his stroke 5 1/2 years ago, everything about him seen magnified. What was good about him became breathtakingly wonderful, but what was not so good became problematic. Since his diagnosis 2 years ago, I have noticed that this is even more pronounced. My DH has always been a soft, kind and sensitive man. I have seen him cry many times over the years; sometimes out of joy, sometimes out of sorrow. Certain harmonies in certain songs brought him to tears. Other people's pain brought him to tears. He was always very empathetic. Now when someone else is in pain, if he notices, he breaks down with uncontrollable sobbing and becomes so distraught, he cannot comfort the other person going through the trauma. Like Fritz, my DH doesn't always know why he is crying. He is just so depressed by so many things he can't put it into words. And yes, word-searching was one of the first, most prominent symptoms for him...Especially noticable because his job was in Radio.
the other day, I was speaking to my DIL on the phone. I don't know what my DH heard, but when I came into the living room, he was angry. he thought, I finally found out, that I was putting him in a nursing home. OK, got him all calmed down, and ran out to the store, well, I got back and he was pacing the house out the door, inside, out on the deck, inside, looking for me. I had neglected to leave a note, because I had told him (shame on me), so he thought I had left him. After all, I took the car. The fact that all my clothes, etc, were still here just meant nothing. he was still upset about whatever he thought he heard, therefore, he thought I had left him. I think, Fritz, that was what happened with your DH. he thought you had left him, and you are his life preserver. It was several days before he was back to feeling comfortable again.