I just moved my wife to a local memory care facility this past Saturday. The director basically advised me to not visit her until Friday (6 days) so that they can break the bond, and have it reestablished with one or more of their staff. I have no problem with that.
What I'm concerned about is how I talk with her when I do visit her. I guess if she says she wants to go home, I would tell that she needs to stay there for awhile because of her hitting her head (which did actually happen) . I'm really not sure how to talk with her at all. I guess I can ask her fi the food is good, and the other people (caregivers are nice and if she's met anyone else? how do I end the visit?
Hi watchful, I placed my husband about 6 weeks ago. So far he has asked only once to get out. I just tell him he needs more care than I can give. He seems to accept that. When I visit I do not have much to talk about. He tries to ask questions but will say things like how did you like that whatchamacallit. Then I try to guess what he is trying to say. Occasionally he can still remember if one of the kids visited and we may talk about that. What has worked best is if I pick him up and take him out for something specific . Yesterday I took him for blood work and a haircut and when he got back it was time for lunch so I stayed while he ate. Much of his talk makes no sense. He will tell me how everybody details his stuff and I basically do not respond. If he says something that I know is not the case I just agree rather than trying to explain why or correct him. When I leave I say it is time for me to go and we will hug and I will leave. It does get easier. The first month or so is the hardest.
Watchful7, today marks the 3 week point for placing my wife, and I continue to visit her from 3-5 each day. I asked the Director if she wanted me to stay away at all when she first started there, and the director asked why I would do that. So, each ALF has their own policies. I visited on day one; we go into their 24/7 'bistro' room where we can have coffee or other beverages and just sit and relax in a nice cheerful setting. I ask her about her day but, of course, she cannot tell me anything she did. I ask about her meals and again she can't remember anything. But, we make small talk, she tells me about her new friends, I tell her about my day, etc. and the time passes. Sometimes I bring in picture albums for her to look at. Sometimes I call our grandkids so they can speak with Grandma during my visit. (I didn't get her a phone for her room.) Our visits end with me bringing Clare back to her "Reflections unit" for supper at 5 p.m., we hug, we kiss, and I leave. It does get easier.
I talk to Steve the same way I always did--tell him what I've been doing, news of family/friends, etc. Who knows if any of it is absorbed (he hasn't been able to converse normally for years) but when I say "I love you" it always gets a smile or an appropriate response. If you're concerned about conversation, perhaps it would help to attend an activity with your wife. Many times, facilities use trivia games, current events discussions, etc. to stimulate the residents. Then the focus would be different than a one-on-one visit. As far as ending the visit, I always say I'm going to the bathroom (something suggested here). By now it really doesn't matter, but I'm in the habit of doing that. Steve has been living at the ALF for over 2 years now and as many will tell you, it does get easier to accept the arrangement.
I was able to move my note from respite to here for you. I don't know how I did that, just not paying attention. LOL
I can't help you with how to talk to her during your visit as my DH is still able to converse quite well but as for the leaving maybe you could arrange for a staff member to come and take her to an activity or just for a walk so you can say good bye and you can say" well off you go and have a good time and I'll see you later" and it will be easier for both of you. Maybe you could take her to an activity and help her with it if she has difficulties or a walk or just sit and hold her hand an relive some of you precious moments of your life together. Our Son find that his Dad wants to talk about the " old days" when they were children. This is something I have wondered about for the time when My DH is not as able to communicate very well..what will I do then? What will I say? I am sure there will be lots of help on this site soon.
Hi Watchful, my husband is still home and probably in mid to late stage 6 but he has bvFTD, so it's a bit different. When he was in the psych hospital, then the ALF and finally in a NH rehab this summer, I always spoke with him as I always have in our 33 year relationship. Early on he could do crossword puzzles, but now not so much. So I sing songs from our childhoods (A,B, C. D, E, F, G..., All around the mulberry bush, Yankee Doodle, etc) and he joins in. When he was in some facility, I always told him how much I loved him and focused on the fact that we were married so long when others weren't. That gave him a sense of pride. I bought a wooden puzzle of the US on Amazon (Melissa and Doug) and would name the different states and their capitals and on a good day he could tell me where he'd travelled to, the capital and whether or not he liked the state. On the back are the state birds and he enjoyed that.
Whenever he's been in a facility and I had to leave, I always tell him I am going to the bathroom. He seems to accept that, but when he was in the psych hospital 5 years ago and in the beginning stages of his illness, he finally started responding "drive safely", so I think he finally figured it out but knew I would return the next day. Leaving him always broke my heart and I sobbed uncontrollably but I never let him see. Each of us is different but you will figure out the best approach because you love her.
Hi Watchful, I do the same as LFL, I talk about the same things we talked about at home. My DH is stage 7 and speaks only a few words.Like LFL, I always tell him I love him and he grins when people ask how long we've been married and I say 58 yrs.I tell him what is going on in the neighborhood, chat about the grandchildren and so on. He seems to understand whenIsay I am going home,he understands that the dog and all the outdoor cats have to be taken care of,he knew when he was still at home that his care was becoming too much for me .I also keeo an up mood when I am with him and hold the tears back. It is hard but try to do the beat for your LO.You will never regret the attention you give them.
My wife went into a home the first of July. Unfortunately it is necessary for me to live 4 hours away from her and i don't get to see her as often as I might wish. We have daughters who are closer, who visit more often. When I visit she remembers who I am sometimes and sometimes she does not. She talks a lot, but the talk doesn't make much sense, but she expects me to answer and answer properly. When I do not, she scolds me. Truthfully there is no reason for me to visit often, but I feel very bad that I cannot. This week I have spent part of several days with her and I'll see her again tomorrow then it will be several weeks. I am married but I don't have a wife and i miss her. We have been together since we were 15 and that was 60 years ago.
Dave, I'm sorry your wife is in a facility so far away...after 60 years it must be an adjustment for you to be so far away. It is good that your daughters are closer so they can visit and keep tabs on the quality of care your wife is receiving. Try to enjoy the time together today and make the most of it. ((((HUGS)))) to you both.
She is getting excellent care. I don't know how we pulled it off, but she is one of the best homes around. It's been around since the 1890's. I am doing quite well really. The thing about AD is you get some warning and some time to think things out a bit before the bigger issues. Thanks for your kind words.
When I am down I get this "roof caving in" feeling. But lots of people on this board are going through times that are many times more difficult than I am. Leaving the light of my life for others to care for is not easy, but it pales in comparison to what I read of others. I tell my friends to feel sorry for me for a few seconds, but not more. There is so much for which I am thankful. For starters we had 55 wonderful years together (married) and a few that weren't so good, but that is a pretty good ratio! Thank you for cheering me up and reminding me that life is still pretty durn good.
Hi Watchful7, When I placed my husband, I told him it was a hotel for people that couldn't stay home alone. He accepted with no problem. I visited everyday starting the very next day. Never missed a day. Brought him his favorite afternoon snack, goldfish crackers and ginger ale. Never say you are going home when it is time to leave. I either was going to the bank or for groceries. Always said I would be right back. Held his hand , gave him kisses and hugs. Talked to him the same as always. I guess I'm pretty boring, half the time he would fall asleep and I would slip out. 5 minutes after you leave they forget you were even there. Everyday, when he saw me, he was all smiles. So was I. It's hard but has to be done. I'll be thinking of you. You have many champions here, rooting you on. Carol
I did have the problems most people hear have when placing their spouse. My husband had a slow decline and then a month ago he fell and had seizures. After his hospitalization he is now on Hospice and is bed bound. I'm in a state of shock at how rapid his progression is. I visit him several times a week but most of the time he doesn't know who I am or where he is. Maybe it's a blessing he doesn't ask to come home.