I so didn't think this was going to happen. It took the nurse and I explaining the facts of life to him....if I take you in then in one week you come out. If the cops take you in then all bets are off. He went with me. I'M SO HAPPY!!!! Cabin is quiet...no TV blaring, no one asking me the same question 100 times, no demands on me. Just free for one week!
I have a bunch of projects lined up and can't wait to get started.
PS - I bought a car! A Hyundai Accent...A to B car. After thinking it over I have a 4X4 truck that can carry anything and the car is to get me to work and quick trips around. Also very fuel efficient 5.2l to 100 km. So if he gets placed on the coast it won't cost me an arm and a leg for gas..... $1.39 liter here.
Hi Amber, I am soooo happy for you! Take it easy and enjoy your freedom, but if it makes you feel better to tackle those projects, go for it girl! Sounds like the little car was a wise choice - go out and enjoy it! Now, I hope I can use some sort of logic or reasoning when I have to put my dH in respite on Sunday!
Amber, I am so happy he agreed to go. I know you weren't sure it was going to happen. My DH is going for respite on Thursday. I have said nothing about it. He is a lot more advanced than your guy. Tomorrow I will tell him we have an appointment with the nurse and after we are in the car I will tell him he will stay and visit for a while. It worked in June so I hope it works this time. I am nervous about it though. I will get his stuff in the car before he gets up in the am.
Wishing each of you wonderful respites. Whether you are energized by quiet or by being busy I hope "your" time is just what you want it to be.
Bonnie- I just read your thread and didn't realize until then about your surgery. I'm sorry and want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you a quick recovery.
Thanks Abby for your thoughts and prayers. I need all I can get! :-) Respite hit a snag today. The social worker informed me that the respite center doesn't do intakes on Sundays, just Mondays to Fridays. And they have no space this coming Friday. I explained that I won't be able to take dH to the respite center on Monday (I'll be in surgery), but I suggested that perhaps my friend that will be caring for me while I recover from my surgery would be willing to take dH to the respite centre - she knows my hubby well. So the social worker has booked the respite from Monday to Friday next week. I called my friend afterwards, and she is fine with taking hubby to the respite center. But, I got thinking about it, and wondered whether the respite is worth all the hassle and maybe it would just be easier to have my friend look after both of us at home. I probably need hubby in respite for a lot of reasons (not just because I need to recover) but its certainly not what appears to be the easiest option. What to do?
If I were in your shoes I think I would put him in Respite until Friday so I could just rest you know how we caregivers are: No one can do it as well as us" I would likely be tempted to get up and go and do for him especially if he were to become frightened, and it can happen. It would not be good for me if I hurt myself.
take this time to do something for you!!! You deserve it!!!!
Yes bqd, my vote too is for your DH to go into respite. This is your time for just healing and getting better. It will be very difficult to turn off your caregiving duties if your husband is within your sight and hearing.
I agree. Absolutely put your dh in respite. There wil be no down time for you to rest and recover. You will never be able to turn off your caregiving while your dh is in your home. Think of it this way, with him in respite you will get back up to speed that much sooner.
I can't help you with how to talk to her during your visit as my DH is still able to converse quite well but as for the leaving maybe you could arrange for a staff member to come and take her to an activity or just for a walk so you can say good bye and you can say" well off you go and have a good time and I'll see you later" and it will be easier for both of you. Maybe you could take her to an activity and help her with it if she has difficulties or a walk or just sit and hold her hand an relive some of you precious moments of your life together. Our Son find that his Dad wants to talk about the " old days" when they were children. This is something I have wondered about for the time when My DH is not as able to communicate very well..what will I do then? What will I say? I am sure there will be lots of help on this site soon.
Thank you all for your comments. Although I originally sent a note to my friend asking her if she felt up to looking after both of us, I have since sent her a note that outlines your concerns if I let dH stay home. I'll be seeing her today for lunch so then I will know what she thinks is best as well. This is so hard and gets so complicated, but I probably won't know exactly how much caregiving I actually do until dH is in respite - I suspect its a lot more than I think. And I WILL heal faster if I only have to think about me.
Bonnie - I agree with the other members...let him go in and you look after only yourself. I think he might be fine with going in. I think we mostly think of the worst, he could have a blast.
The problem hubby has with the facility is the people there are at the end stage and he isn't there yet. That's why I'm OK with him going into the veterans center on the coast. The different conditions and levels of residents there will give him someone to talk to and hang out with. Probably will have to get a second job to pay for his gambling money....they take them to the casino and bunch of other cool activities as only a big city like Vancouver can offer.
I spoke to my friend today, and she agreed with everyone here - put him in respite and look after myself. So that is what we are doing. The social worker called today to confirm his booking from Monday to Friday and will check in on him while he is there. And I have decided that once I leave the house on Monday morning to go to the hospital, I will stop thinking about dH and respite - he will either like it or he won't and its not something I can do anything about.
Amber, I think I mentioned before that my father is in a vet's home (in Toronto ) like you hope to get your hubby in. When he first moved there, he was still functioning at a high level, and really enjoyed all the outings, the entertainment, the bingo, discussion groups, music and gardening, and he made friends with some other residents, even though he has never been very outgoing. I hope your hubby is able to go while he can still enjoy it. Dad is end stage now, so he no longer participates in any of the activities.
Thanks dog. I told dH this morning that I needed surgery, and that in order for me to recover fully I would need him to go to respite. I was really worried about how he would react. I was already in tears when I told him, and he said - "its okay, we are on this journey together". So I cried some more at his caring, and at his acceptance that I can't look after him all the time. Now I am just counting down the hours until I leave for the hospital...
Update on hubby's respite - They offer to keep him until the 17th but after thinking about it I went and got him after the week was over. I gave him my word that it would only be for a week and last time he came home mad and I didn't want to have him really mad and I'm alone here with him. Also if I didn't he would refuse to go ever again and then it becomes a big deal. Anyways he had a good time while he was there and came home in a good mood. After talking to the nurse later she said the staff really liked him and were willing to try with him again for a longer time Oct 28 to Dec 9, six weeks. If he does well, they aren't set up to handle aggressive residents, then they will keep him permanently and he doesn't have to go away to the coast. Also the nurse told me that he now doesn't understands the days and how many have passed or how many there are left so I could of left him until the 17th and he wouldn't of know it....just another decline.
Amber, I am sorry to hear about the decline in your hubby. Its good to know that the staff at the home he went for respite like him and that he had a good time. It appears that my dH is settling into his respite as well, but I won't know until I pick him up on Friday how well it went (haven't had any panic calls yet). My surgery went well, and I came home this afternoon. My friend is in the kitchen making chicken soup for supper - she is really looking after me, and I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight! Now I just have to get all the rest I can before Friday!
DH called yesterday afternoon from the respite center, wanting to know when I was going to be picking him up, as he was all packed and ready to go! Oh oh! I told him I would be picking him up around 7, after dinner. I got there a little early. The staff told me he had been a delight to have. When they asked if they would be seeing him soon, hubby said - I hope not too soon! But, as I drove home and listened to what he had to say, he had more compliments than complaints. The food was good, he enjoyed wandering around the grounds, they had some musical entertainment he enjoyed, the other residents were patient when he forgot what he wanted to say. So, I don't think I will have any problem with him going back if I NEED to have him back there for my own medical or other reasons. But I am going to have to work on him a bit if I WANT him to go back there just so I can get a break. Oh yes, and now he has a cold...
bqd, I am so amazed at the cognant level of your DH. I cant imagine mine saying We' re in this together. He doesnt even admit he has a memory problem. I guess mine is much farther along than yours.
Ky caregiver - my dh is very aware that he has AD, although a lot of the time he is not aware of much else, at least that makes any sense. I put him somewhere in stages 5/6, based on his behaviours and physical condition. Years ago, before he was dx'd, he was also in denial, but he now seems to have accepted the fact that he has AD, and that I am there to look after him for as long as I can. He rated the respite center a 9.5 out of 10, but rated being at home with me a 13 out of 10! As I try to analyze what he was feeling when he made the statement about us being on the journey together, I think that what he was trying to tell me is that he would do what I asked for the short term, if in the long run it meant that he could stay home with me. He loves me very much, and I think his biggest fear is that I will get so worn down that I will place him. This is why he has started to go to the Day Center again - to give me some more time for myself. He really is a sweetie.
Bonnie - that's great that your hubby liked it there and your surgery went well!! A two thumbs up moment! So now you know when you have to have a break, for whatever reason, you won't have a fight on your hands to get him there. Also that he is having a good time while he is there.
My biggest worry about hubby in respite is....is he doing things. The thought of him just sitting in his room waiting really bothers me. I know they have lots of activities and keep the residents as busy as they want to be but you can opt out of doing the activities.
My respite story is sure different from those above. I took him to the NH on Thursday the 3rd of October. He was able to get to the car with the walker and a nurse and an aide came with a wheelchair to get him. Signed papers and said goodbye and the next morning went on a vacation with friends form 40 years ago.
Monday the hospice nurse called me and said she had ordered hydrocortisone cream for his rash on his face, and Claritin for his runny nose. Thursday she called to say he had a temp and wanted permission to get a urine sample to test for UTI . It was positive and he started Levofloxacin on Friday.
When I picked him up this am he is a complete zombie. I takes 2 people to lift him to move to and from the car and into his recliner. DD is here today but I will be alone tomorrow. Hope he improves when the infection clears up. Otherwise I don't know how I will handle him.