I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. It's a bit different take on friends who don't call. I know there will be many, many of you who disagree with me. I always welcome differing opinions that are expressed with respect.
I am so very sorry that you have had to place Sid as I know you have faced many challenges prior to placement. You have endured such hardships physically, mentally, and emotionally. You have faced one of, if not the most, difficult decisions in a lifetime. I have read your prior posts and my heart has bleed for you and Sid. You have been a pillar of strength and I admire you however, I do differ in your opinion.
I can not buy into, "I didn't know what to say". It's an opt of avoidance/abandonment. These same people can acknowledge and verbalize condolences during a hospitalization or death, but can't in placing a spouse in a nursing facility? No, silence is not golden. Even a "Hallmark" card could be sent (which says it all) with a signature. No free pass!
Joan, I do understand what you are saying but it doesn't make the sting hurt less. I experienced this same sort of abandonment when my Dad took his life. People all but shunned me, they truly went out of their way not to even make eye contact with me for awhile there. I KNEW they just didn't know what to say, hell I didn't either! Expressing any sympathy would be better than saying nothing at all.
I forgave them because I did understand the circumstances of suicide make it so much harder to express condolences. I have also been in that kind of an awkward situation in the past and I too just didn't know what to say. Our experiences change us and hopefully for the better. Now even when I have no idea what to possibly say, I do at least say I am sorry for their loss. It's an honest expression without empty platitudes that could cause further hurt.
Just as I forgave extended family and friends for their callousness with my Dad's death, I am sure I will forgive some people (important people in my life) who abandoned us when Lynn got sick. But, only if they express some sort of sorrow for deserting us. I can't just pretend it didn't happen. I need to be true to myself in this too.
And honestly their are some people I wont forgive, they just do not matter enough to me for me to go through the work of forgiveness to make the relationship have value and meaning again. Where they are of no significance to me now, that means I wont harbor ill feelings towards them either. I think that's healthy? Some people we just need to let go of to make our life happier and healthier.
Just my two cents, but forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. Doesn't mean you can forget, or even have a "relationship", but forgiving can lighten your own heart.
It is understandable when one places a parent or elder relative in a facility. We all understand the difference when it is your spouse. That's just not supposed to happen. Do people think we should/could have tried harder? Until dementia entered my life I wouldn't have know what to say, either. BUT-I would have called to at least ask if the person wanted some company. No Joan-no one is going to send you flowers or bring casseroles. Is silence from folks we care about yet another kick in the teeth.
Nikki wrote " And honestly their are some people I wont forgive, they just do not matter enough to me for me to go through the work of forgiveness to make the relationship have value and meaning again. Where they are of no significance to me now, that means I wont harbor ill feelings towards them either. I think that's healthy? Some people we just need to let go of to make our life happier and healthier."
I agree with Nikki. Not all friends fit all times. Yes, there are times when I have been at a loss for words when a friend has suffered a loss, but a simple " I am sorry to hear..." works wonders. If not physically close, then that's what greeting cards are for, and if one is physically close, then that is what hugs are for.
I suppose if one doesn't know what to say on the phone, there is merit in that. However, that said, even when they don't know what to say at the moment, there are scads of cards out there that are encouragement style or thinking of you types in which they could pen a note to say they are sorry to learn the news and are thinking of you...How hard it that to do? I can understand the awkward feelings on a phone, what do you say to keep a conversation going? You are afraid to ask too many questions...so an informal note of concern to let one know you have heard the news is really not to much to ask nor is it too hard to do for someone in emotional pain..just sayin'.
Having just placed my DH @ 3 weeks ago, I agree with everyone's comments, and add not only are there greeting cards, in this era of email, texting and social media, very easy to reach out to someone without calling, if that is too awkward. Although I was already planning to place my DH later this fall, I ended up making a quick decision and moving him within a few days due to a sudden decline on his part. I actually only told a few close friends because I did not want to talk about it too much at that time, but asked that they share it with a few others. I got so many sweet sweet emails, and several cards---no phone calls because I didn't really want those--then as the word got out more (in part because my daughters told their close friends), more emails and texts. So I guess while I understand people who may not want to call you---in part, because I don't really want to discuss this transition too much myself in person right now---not really a good reason not to reach out in some way.
Sometimes you just never know. I certainly never know who is reading my website, and I just received the biggest surprise. When I returned to the house after this morning's water aerobics ( my first time in ages), there was a message on my answering machine. "Hi Joan. It's xxxxxx. I'm one of the people who didn't know what to say. I want you to know I'm thinking about you and sending a big hug."
This is a woman with whom I worked very closely when I was doing speech/language therapy. She ran the class for language disabled students, and I did group activities in her classroom with them twice a week. She and I planned and executed some of the most creative, complex, and fun activities the school had ever seen. We became friends - I even named her guardian of my dog in my will.
Anyway, I was floored to hear from her. I had no idea she followed my website. I immediately returned her call, and what a nice conversation we had. Her husband has been ill for quite some time, and she is his main caregiver.
So how about that? The blog was not meant to force anyone to call me. It was meant to help all of us understand other's discomfort and not judge them too harshly for it. But I ended up receiving phone calls from two women I care about very much and have not heard from in a long time.
Most people are good hearted and mean well.
I do agree with those of you who suggest e-mails and cards instead of a phone call. For the first two weeks of Sid's placement, no one understood half of what I was saying because I was crying so much.
I understand the crying part very well. DH has been in LTC since a week ago Monday and I am sure my tear ducts are screaming at me to stop. I' m so happy to hear someone called. It makes a big difference to us. If they only knew !!
Unfortunately, I think society in general do not emphasize empathy or compassion, or responding. Just look at how many adult children and grandchildren do not respond to gifts?
I know I often do not respond here when someone's spouse passes - there have been so many already commented, I have nothing to add. Wish there was a 'like' button we could click!