DH has taken a bed in LTC and will be moved from the respite room tomorrow to his new home. It has a beautiful view of the river and some of the military base " he spent 27 yrs in the military" and he is very please with his room. He was very upset when I got there last night and I spent sometime with him then I went back this morning to get his list as he decided not to come home to get it himself. He is nervous about this move but realizes that it is the best for both of us. I am very tired and I have to go back"45 min drive each way" tomorrow to help him settle in. I think this will be quite traumatic for both of us when I leave tomorrow. I am very tired and will be in bed early tonight.
Daer Jazzy, what can I say but be strong and know how much we all love you here. You are beautiful and strong and may this change turn out to be a positive one.
Thinking of you, Jazzy. This may make for a better relationship between you. Will keep thinking positive thoughts. I hope you can find some peace for yourself.
Jazzy, every one of our Placement experiences is different but if I could offer you any advice it would be to be as low key and unemotional as possible through the move tomorrow. You can always cry on the way home; I do that almost every day. Remember, you will still be a huge factor in his life, just in a different capacity. Don't pay too much attention to what he tells you; his reasoning button is broken!
And one more bit of advice: be very kind to yourself in the coming weeks. Don't make any decisions, rest a lot, pamper yourself, let your emotions come. You will get stronger every day and you will know when you feel ready to take on the world again. I'll have you in my thoughts.
Jazzy this may be just what you both need finally. he will be looked after and not controlling your life. please make your life plans now to not include this controlling diseased behavior of his. I don't know how you have gotten this far with all the horrible things he has voiced to you. if it were me, unfortunately, I would have used those hurtful feelings to be able to console the decisions of placement a lot quicker. you have been brave and now its time to try to find some things that you enjoy just for you. put this behind you best you can. check on him if he wants you to, if not maybe from afar thru the nurses and facility. its been a very hard time for you. divvi
I helped him move into his new home today and he was gone. He is very happy and I think he finally feels safe. He really needs professionals to care for him and I was not one. He told me to only come and visit on Sundays as he doesn't want me travelling to often, but I will decide for me how often I go. I feel much better but still like I have been kicked to the curb and I realize it is the diseases and I will get past that.
Jazzy Your turn! You've paid your dues, You make your own rules.. A 45 min drive physically & mentally exhusted benefits no one. You take care of you on your terms henceforth
What a difference in so many of our lives in the last few weeks. DH is very happy and now I have to take sometime to get rested before I can think of what I want to do next with my life.
I crashed last night at20:30 and woke at 03:30 then crashed again until 05:30 and I have been going since then so now it it time to go to bed. Thanks everyone
You're in my prayers, Jazzy. This disease has taken so much from you, from all of us. We start to define ourselves by what we have to do to care for our lo; we forget what it's like to be just us. I believe it will take lots of time to acquaint yourself with the new you, not to define yourself by your caregiving responsibilities. As Fiona said above, this will take time and you will grieve along with your immense feeling of relief. Just let it all come and give yourself lots of permission to do whatever your little heart wants to do whenever you want to do it. Your cheering squad is here whenever you need us.
Thanks everyone I am doing much better. I slept 11 1/2 hrs last night. I am still in the middle of all the financial changes and paperwork, and I guess that will take some time. I will be going to visit Sunday morning then not until Thursday for all his admin paperwork. They had given all the orientation talks and paper work, pamphlets and that stuff and asked my DD to have a family meeting . Great idea we thought, dumb us!! Well they were happy to have the meeting but only DD and DS, both great support, were willing to come to my house. The others wanted a conference call. I don't have land lines and only one iPad. I guess they forgot, so no family meeting. I sent them what I could by email. This is twice I have tried to get them together, never works. His sons have made my life very difficult since this disease began to show it's ugly face so I guess I should have expected this. DH asked about the meeting and soon realized that it had happened again and told me to just forget about them because he was going to. I don't want him to shut his sons out because of me and I have no more idea how to stop this mess now then I have had for years. I think I will just look after me and let the rest fall were it may.i doubt if they will ever come to my house again so it will work . DH had an explosion at one of the nurses and so it begins. They will soon learn that he is not always the darling they have seem on his visits. One of the staff was late for work so his breakfast wasn't ready on time and when he reported it they made excuses for the late staff and that is not how you handle that situation or any other with him. Just say" thank you for telling me and I will deal with it" he expects perfection. I wasn't perfect. Now I am his darling again. What a turn around? Now I am the good guy and someone else is the bad guy. LOL
So glad you got a good sleep. Yep those nurses are in for an ear full at least they get to go home after 8 hours you had to deal with this for how long!!!! I've written off hubby's kids years ago and am glad I stopped banging my head against a wall with them. My head feels much better!
I also have problems with my dh's kids, most of them don't call or come for a visit. I am going to send invitations to the six of them and 14 grand kids to come for Thanksgiving. After that if he forgets them, Oh WELL. Try it Jazzy, it might save you a few gray hairs.
I sent my kids both that they stayed true to self and did not bother calling their dad on his birthday the 17th. Their excuse -laughingly said did not know when his birthday was. Will make note for next year. Next year he might not be able to talk on the phone or even know who they are. Then I guess I get to laugh at payback, cry cause after all he did this is how they treat him.
By the way - I rarely contact them and have decided unless they change I will be in no hurry to let them know when he dies.
Jazzy, I am so happy to hear you are the good guy again. I have often talked about how deeply the loved returned, and I hope that happens for you too ♥
You are probably right about his sons not visiting you again. None of his kids have come to the house since placement. (Well one did, to ask to take some of their Dad's tools...pffft) Of course rarely, if ever, do they go visit him either. It is what it is and I long ago heeded the advice your husband just gave you.
Surround yourself with only those who lift you up and just forget the rest. ((hugs))
Thanks!! I went to see him today and he was waiting for me at the lobby. He is so comfortable there. He has a lots of new friends and they joke and tease each other about their favourite hockey teams. He has no idea what a difficult time I am having watching him turn to others and leaving me behind as if I was no one special to him. His life is there and I don't belong there, he does. I feel so out of place and I know he is happier when I am not there. They tell me he is a real ladies man and I am sure he is. I fully expect that there will be someone special in his life before to long and I wish I knew how to handle that one. There is a movie called " Away from her" it is Canadian made and stars Gordon Pinsent and it deals with that very situation. This is so difficult!! He is just living in his own world and I will have to find mine. I just don't understand why this is happening to us or how to deal with it!!
Hugs around you. You will find a new life and will move on. It will take time, but you will and can to do. Perhaps, you need to not go so regularly to see him as the pain of his happiness and joy of his new life away from you is currently too difficult.
Jazzy my heart felt sympathy for you! You will get your "JAZZY" back! One step at a time.
I agree don't go so often, remember he's not the dh you married, hard as it is to think that way. I haven't been thru what you are going thru, just giving my thoughts. Hugs Bonnie
When husband was in rehab I went to visit him on an afternoon armed with a "goodie" pack (so to speak). A favorite unbreakable mug, as he was a Starbuck's addict, photos from a favorite vacation, a cap from his favorite baseball team, soft white chocolate cookies, etc.
As I presented these to him his look went from amused, to tolerant, to cynical. Then, with a sigh of great exasperation he said "I want you to leave now". Well, slow on the uptake, I asked if he didn't want me to stay with him through his dinner and his answer was that he guessed I could not understand anything because he wanted me to leave.
I came home and posted here and the first response was from Charlotte who said "I understand how much that must have hurt". Open the floodgates.
Cognitively I understood about the broken reasoning but my heart has taken a lot of time to catch up. If it even really has.
Jazzy, you are not alone. We all love you and care about you. Hugs and lots of prayers for you. Marty said it so well, on your OWN terms now!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday when I visited DH, I noticed that he was having trouble remembering location of things on his iPad and forgot then in two minutes. I came home and stressed about a decision I had to make about our banking. He has asked that I not take that way from him as he loves to work with the numbers and he gets great pleasure doing it but today I finally had to change thing to protect our finances. Banks are not very helpful in this kind of a situation and even though I have a registered POA with the bank, well the on line people couldn't find it . So into the bank and they could see it so I was given a special pin that will only allow someone with that pin to do online banking. That''s done, so I say what about my credit card, well I don't have enough income of my own to qualify, so I find out how to change the pins on our credit card and on our bank card and all done. I am the only one able to get in now. Jazzy feels better. So off I go and cancel his PVR and HD and just have basic as I don't watch much tv. I cancel his cell phone. All done. Now I just have to wait for his internet to be working this p.m. That should bring a big explosion. I think I will be " not feeling well today, can we talk tomorrow?" Maybe he will forget by then or at least cool down.
Jazzy feels better about finances now. The bank is going to teach me all about Internet banking on Wednesday. Then I will feel much better. Things are starting to take shape.
At least he is not here to yell and scream at me or scare me!!
Jazzy, You did the right thing in taking control of finances. If it gets too hard to deal with his reaction, stay away for a while. You need to be taking care of you. i hope things get better for you. I think rejection is one of the cruelest things and hopefully he will go through some changes that bring him back to you, the stages of this disease are so hard sometimes. (((hugs))).
Jazzy good for you! You will feel better learning how to control the finances. The more you learn the more you will feel in control. Remember LEARNING = EMPOWERMENT. You go girl...and go get your Jazzy back!
Jazzy, I don't know where your "name" came from, but I think it says a lot of good things about you! Even though I haven't been in that position yet, I think you are doing things just right - your jazz is inside, just waiting to get out ;)
When I told him what I did with our finances he was a little disappointed, but then he said I was right to try to learn all this now while he can help me. There is a program that we have on our computers where he can look at the financials but he can't change anything, just point where I should go and where to find things. He is happy with that. He has his computer all set up and his phone and he has sent out emails to tell everyone one that he is back on line. This is good for him as he is now in complete charge of his social life himself and he has informed the kids that they have to book their visits with him and he also told them that I am the only person that his LTC home will talk with so get used to it. I was really concerned about taking all that from him but he took it much better then I expected. He is now sending lists of items like pictures for him room. I guess he is staying. I'm feeling better now but very lonesome. None of the family call me anymore. Oh well, their loss. The name Jazzy came from my lhasa that I had for thirteen years that I had to out down this spring. His name was Jazzper but we called him Jazzy most of the time and he was lovely and gentle and my special boy. He was so much fun and full of P and V. So when I needed a name I thought maybe it would give me some P and V. As things were really bad at that time.
My dh still writes the checks, can't balance the check book though. I dread when I have to take that from him. I'm glad all went so well for you. You are beginning your new life in the right way. Take your mind off the bad and look forward to the new. Your doing great. Bonnie
I would love to get another special boy and I have the opportunity to bring home Jazzy's great great nephew who is seven and just a sweet as his uncle ,but I will be moving into an apartment when I sell the house and it would not be good for him to not have a yard to run and play in. Maybe I will find a small townhouse with a yard and bring him home with me then, but it would sure tie me down.
I didn't think it would go do well either with my taking the controls on the finances but he is becoming more interested in his life there then in mine here. They tell me he is a real ladies man. After years of his not showing interest in being intimate now he is telling me what might happen if he comes home for a day or overnight. Now a new problem to deal with. I have no interest in being intimate with him when I know it is the disease talking. To me It would be making love with a stranger. Any ideas on how to deal with this new development.
Well done on the finances! I was always in control of the finances....he was really bad....so I didn't have any difficulties there. I do internet banking and love it. I've set it up for automatic payments of the regular bills and once a year I go and make adjustments and other than that I don't have to think about it. With retirement funds, I got so confused with all the different information out there....you have to save a million and this is how you have to do it....I came to the conclusion that between 65 and 85 there are 240 months....now how much extra after pensions will you need to live....if it's $1000 then you have to save $240,000 if it's $500 then you have to save $120,000. You see what I mean, when I explained it to my accountant he agreed with me that it was a simple way to understand and not get freaked out with trying to understand all the retirement marketing bull. That's about all the financial insight I have.
If you haven't already when you buy the new condo/apartment put it in your name only and everything else you can, do the same. My lawyer said that was the best thing I can do so I can move and do what I want with the rest of my life without any hassle and also when he passes then his kids or mine can't put a claim on anything. I now have to get him removed from my POA and the representation agreement is already done. The will I will change when he is gone because if I go first then he will have finances to cover any of his needs and wants.
As far as being intimate.....man is he kidding!!! I know we love them but we don't like them most of the time and can he even get it up? Mine can't. It would be like doing it with your abuser I don't think so. Mine would be staying in the LTC facility if he ever tried anything like that.
Good for you Jazzy in taking financial control and putting safeguards in place. Trust me when I tell you they can bankrupt you in a flash. They have no idea as to what they're spending and can't control it.
I also agree with Amber, and I wouldn't bring him home either.
Good for you Jazzy, to get the finances under your control! Like Amber, I have always had control of our finances (or I would never have been able to retire when I did!) I also do most of our banking on line - we don't have any banks near us - its a real hassle when someone sends me a check! Its really easy and I am sure you will catch on quickly. And I echo the others - if your DH is going to try and be intimate if you bring him home, then don't bring him home! Yes, take him out for an outing, if you think you can manage it, but go someplace public, like a restaurant. Hugs
Jazzy, good for you for taking control of the finances. I have been doing all the banking since he went to grad school in year 3 of our marriage. All our savings are with an investment company. About 3 months ago I had him sign a paper that gives me control of all his accounts. (They aren't joint accounts so otherwise I couldn't have touched them). Last week I got on the phone and told an adviser that a nursing home may be in the near future and I needed to start converting stocks to cash. She suggested getting 1 year of nursing home costs into cash to start. then she made other suggestions to balance the rest. Sure glad I had him sign when he could. I don't think he can even sign his name now.
We have everything set, I'm just waiting to take over paying the bills. He is still doing that. I just hope I don't have to take over because of a disaster. I'm all for online banking. Bonnie