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  1.  
    Since we have the wonderful thread going of hurtful statements, perhaps it would also be good to post what makes us feel better.

    When someone says with great sincerity and all the time in the world to really listen, "How are you doing?" it always touches my soul.
  2.  
    "Is there anything TODAY I can do to help you?"
    Can I sit with your DH while you take some time off?
  3.  
    A dear friend offered to bring DH home from DC one day a week. IT is what works for her, and what a gift that is.

    It made me think that when I am on the giving end, I should think of three things that I can do and offer those, instead of the generic "Call me if you need anything."
  4.  
    great idea Marche!! Yes an alternative answer!

    A simple, "I am so sorry for your pain"

    or...how about...."How is Dado doing,?", and meaning it.

    Instead of "Others have it worse", how about, "I know you are doing your best, but this must be really tough"
  5.  
    marche-you are the ying to my yang. Good thread.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2013
     
    "We're worried about YOU."

    Her family at a get together last year. And they nailed it because I was too.
  6.  
    I hope through these stupid comments, I have learned. I say to someone who is in trouble, " what can I do to help." This replaces the every popular if there is every anything I can do for you. This is frequently said as the person is running for the nearest exit.
  7.  
    Today I met a former nurse at our former retirement home. She commented on how impressed she was with the way I cared for my wife. I hope she is right and that I am doing the right things.
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2013
     
    His sister tells me every single time we talk how grateful she is that Lynn has me. How much peace it brings her to know how much I love Lynn and that I fight so hard to keep him safe and happy.

    2 of his 4 children told me recently that they know if it wasn't for me that their Dad would be completely lost or dead by now... all 4 genuinely thanked me for taking such good care of Lynn.

    Blew me away!!!

    Another good thread, thanks for starting it Marche
  8.  
    I have several long distance friends who say they are an email or phone call away, and they are! And another friend who comes to visit at least once a month or more and brings me food or takes me out, what ever I want.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2013
     
    "I don't care what time it is day or night if he starts acting up....call me! I'll come right away". 911 is over an hour away and he meant it.
  9.  
    I confided in old, dear friend who lives in another state that I should start looking at ALFs. As we spoke I think she realized how lost and forlorn I was. Several days later she called saying that she was going to come and go with me to look at the ALFs, then gave me three possible dates. It was all so pro-active and I didn't need to make decisions.

    She did come and it was a godsend. She had downloaded check sheets and questions to ask. I was in shock and it was exactly what I needed; interestingly when we compared notes we both came to the same conclusion on which ALF would probably work the best.

    This is a lesson that I am going to take to heart. Caregivers get paralyzed (at least I do) and having someone take charge for a day or two and manage a task like this was a gift of unforgettable kindness.
    • CommentAuthorbqd*
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2013
     
    There is a woman in my church congregation who gives me a hug every Sunday, and asks how my week has been. Her DH also has AD (slightly farther along than my hubby) so I reciprocate both the hug and the question about how the week went. We ask the question really caring about the answer, and it means a lot to me.

    As he is leaving, I always thank the neighbor I have looking after my DH on Sunday morning. And he always says - anytime, just call. And I know he means it!
  10.  
    I love these stories, and Bonnie isn't is something that something as asking how you are , and meaning it, is one of the best things?

    I wanted to include the story of our dentist last week, that did not charge us for Dado's visit. He simply said, "You have enough challenges, and there is no bill today" Wow.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2013
     
    oddly, I know a couple and one of them asked the other if they got sick would they make the commitment to care for them as well as (divvi) has? it started quite an upset between them as the other answered that's why they have long term care insurance. it still didn't resonate well with the other who was looking for comfort knowing they would be cared for by the spouse.

    so I guess my answer would be, and I have heard this more than once.
    I respect your resilence and loving commitment to your spouse.
    it helps to make all the stress and caregiving a bit easier.
  11.  
    Nothing like when a friend says: my wife is staying with DW and you're coming with me, you need a break. Be it for lunch, dinner, or just drink.... it's the thought
    • CommentAuthorOcallie36
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2013
     
    I guy Don played golf with came to the ALF to see him. His wife had a small bouquet of flowers which she handed to me.
    I said I didn't know if he could keep them in his room. Oh no, she said, these are for you. I thought you might need some perking up. That's exactly what it did. I barely knew her, but she hit the nail on the head.
    Carol
  12.  
    I liked what Vickie suggested: "Is there anything I can do for you TODAY". The empty "Let me know if you ever need anything" .. was so shallow.

    I remember we once wrote down a list of things all caregivers needed.. collectively. Someone suggested we print it and hand it to the volunteer (!!) and say, "Chose one., I could use any of these things". I'm not sure if anyone ever did that., but it was a great list that all of us came up with. Items like, "Visit for an afternoon so I can get my hair done" or "Bring us dinner" or "Take my husband to a ball game"... It was a great list!!!

    Maybe it should be printed on the back side of our "Alzheimer Card".

    Nancy B*
  13.  
    A man at church asked if there was something he could do for me. I told him I enjoyed my water exercise. He sent a sheet around and there were so many men signed up to come stay with Frank that no one came twice. I was blown away by their thoughtfulness. To a man they all told me how much they enjoyed being with Frank and would come anytime.
    At this time our Sunday school class is taking a meal to a couple - the wife has az. We call and ask which day so the husband knows the meal is coming and what it is. He said once a week would help him out.
  14.  
    A childhood friend of my sons, emailed asking how I was. She was several states away from her own home finding assisted living for her parents, down sizing their home, etc. she herself has fatigue problems. And she said how sad she was for me. Especially because I was having to move and leave my home. She was concerned about me, when she has so much on her plate.
    Bonnie
  15.  
    This topic was on the boards some time ago and it is good to have this refresher course...Perish the thought that even WE could say something cloddish....we have to be better than that.....