Lorrie, by phrasing it as "how are you coping" it sounds like she was really interested, instead of the "how ya doing" that we all greet people with, without waiting for or wanting to know the answer. Its hard to figure out sometimes who really wants to know how we are, versus those that are just asking for the sake of saying something. One day at a time is a very good answer.
After the deaths I heard a bunch of "If there is anything I can do . . . ." I knew that phrase is no different from "Hi, how are you doing?" Nobody really wants to hear it.
One neighbor asked me 3-4 times about buying dad's truck. Selling it was at the bottom of the list but hey, I will keep him in mind. UNTIL . . . I am standing in the garage loading heavy things into the U-haul. He says "If there is anything I can do. . ." I say "YEAH! can you help me carry the sofa outside for loading?" He looks at his watch and says "Oh! I forgot I gotta go!" and leaves. . . .
The next day I am again loading stuff and another neighbor drops by to tell me how much he liked my parents, etc. and asks if he can . . . . something about a prayer . . . and I say Sure . . . .
Turns out he did not want to pray FOR me but WITH me! Suddenly he grabs both my hands holds them to the sky and prays for 90 full seconds! (a long time when you got stuff to load) He finally ends and says the obligatory "If there is anything I can do. . " I say "Yeah, can you help me move a sofa?" Bam! He also suddenly remembered he had to be somewhere with his brother . . . . . Prayer is great, but hey, I really needed help with the sofa!!
I ended up moving two sofas and everything else, by myself. . . . Thank God for hand trucks and dollies .. . because with these tools he answered my prayers :-)
Ah, Jim, I was feeling misunderstood for bringing the topic up, but you nailed my point. I DO have friends who say they are praying AND they also help in whatever ways they can, if only a phone call a week to check in. I know and can feel their caring and kindness and I do appreciate it deeply.
And then there are the others like your two neighbors. They needn't get their hands dirty or deal with the emotional toll of this disease. Praying for them is in a unilateral and sanitary sort of way. And when you are in the throes of care giving . . . well, I would rather they just pray quietly themselves and not proclaim it for my gratitude, especially like you, when there is a sofa to be moved.
And, finally, I sincerely mean not to offend faith/prayer. The topic is Words That Hurt. Some comments will resonate with almost everyone on this site, others with just a few. Perhaps this comment isn't so much about prayer as sincerity; the fact is that prayer is the pivotal word.
I have seriously thought about deleting my original comments on this because I felt misunderstood. I did say in the original post that there were people whom I knew were sincere and then I mentioned seeing someone in the grocery who in three years has not even phoned, but says "I pray for you every day." I guess in my hurt, befuddled, and weary state of mind I just don't know what to do with that information because it makes them feel better, but isn't helping much on this end.
Marche, I think you have full disclosure there and have explained every intent. It was clear that the phrase was a substitute for actually helping and that was what hurt. No one suggested anything else.
It was important to some to reaffirm they mean what they say - but no one was questioning that or commenting about the offers to pray made quite often on this board by many parties to any one of us.
The hurtfullness is when people don't offer to help in any way and can't get away fast enough with the phrase "I'm praying for you". So we can see it doesn't apply to anyone else on this board because they already face the same battles and completely understand.
The reason politics and religion are discouraged as topics is because they are personal belief systems and therefore volatile by nature. Being republican or democrat or independent as part of helping each other with the effects of dementia is almost never an issue either.
Marche, I agree with Wolf. The hurt comes from statements that are insincere, whatever they are - "I'm praying for you", I'm thinking about you" "You know I will help whenever you want" (and then never being available). Support in thought, word and deed are never hurtful when they are sincere. Platitudes are a different matter entirely.
Dearest Marche, I want you to know that I totally understood what you were saying, I truly did. My explanation was just a broad one so people know I try to be sincere when I say it. Saying, "We are praying for you" can just be said off the top of ones head, that happens all the time. As was noted, it can even be a platitude . Please do not feel that I or anyone I could notice, felt offended.
On that note....(:, I wish you all the good that can possibly come your way in this most trying of life. You are a good and caring person.
Here is one that also “gets my goat” & I apologize if someone else said it. When you are telling someone something that your LO has done related to AD, & most of the time it's a memory issue, but someties it's not, they will say, “Oh I've even done that,” or “Oh that's happened to me too!” They have NO idea that it's NOT the same & even though they may be trying to make me feel better, it doesn't work. So normally I just don't respond, but one time when my sister said that in regards to her husband I just gave her a cold look & said, “It's NOT the same!” & she apologized & said that she knows that.
I wanted to add earlier, but thought I should not..... When someone says that have that problem too, With wide eyes and a frighten look, scream, O my God, have you seen the doctor yet!!!!
"You aren't dating yet?" "I'm going to send you a gift card I got for speed dating (because I can't use it, OF COURSE." "Now what age category are you in?"
A visit from a "former" close friend of DW's. The two had been close friends from high school. They had been on a cruise and stopped off for a visit with DW on their way home to Ocala. DW's eyes and face were sparkling with as much of a sign of "recognition" as she's capable of.
"I've got to leave, I can't stand seeing her like this". ... and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out
Oh, Marty, how awful! Some people are so self-centered they can't put someone else first even for a few minutes. I do hope your DW didn't comprehend this. So sad.
How absolutely ignorant, cruel, and self-centered can a "former" close friend be? I am so sorry that you and your dear one had to experience this. Heartlessly cruel!
Actually I'm not convinced they're being cruel. In fact I'm quite certain they see nothing like that. Just as the person who changed the story, or made it sound like it was their idea, or conveniently forgot they started the argument or what cruel thing THEY said. This stuff is everywhere.
What I think they absolutely can't see is how they are showing others how much they see things strictly in terms of themselves. The only thing on the menu is THEIR pain and they are too impoverished in their soul to realize others around them also have meaning. They have never grown up enough emotionally to grasp that and I doubt that`s wilfull because everyone who learns how handy it is to be able to tell what`s going on doesn`t want to go back to blissful self absorption.
The part that pains me the most about this stuff is the willingness of bystanders to let whatever garbage is happening slide by. On the other hand my wife was like that so...and she was a genuinely nice person which you find out after 40 years. But she wouldn`t take a stand that had conflict and would rather tiptoe around the elephant for years. She was a great lady but we all have faults.
In my mind cruel people hurt others on purpose. Ignorant people are liable to do anything and nice people especially those who are genuine in events are worth gold. It`s like Moses when he came down with the ten commandments as the story goes and the people had melted down gold and made idols they were worshipping so Moses threw the stone tablets down so that one broke. I have no doubt God was up there rolling his eyes.
Don`t listen to me. I think most people are aliens.
What I think they absolutely can't see is how they are showing others how much they see things strictly in terms of themselves. The only thing on the menu is THEIR pain and they are too impoverished in their soul to realize others around them also have meaning. They have never grown up enough emotionally to grasp that and I doubt that`s wilfull because everyone who learns how handy it is to be able to tell what`s going on doesn`t want to go back to blissful self absorption.
QUOTE: Wolf
That is it Wolf, in a nutshell as they say. I too have let that statement BUG me, and wanted to give them a "duster" , like Marty says in his way. It is selfish and self centered, and they are just thinking of themselves. It does piss me off though.
It is like now, my Dad is dying and the brothers that were the WORST to him, ripped him off, did terrible things, are the ones that CRY the hardest and can't bear to visit. Gee duhh wonder why.
Some really good comments here.....I hope I can remember some of them when I need them! Coco, I like the phrase "impoverished in their souls".....I need to remember that one too, so I can tell myself, if someone says something hurtful, that they themselves are impoverished souls. I know a few people have asked about D., said he doesn't look like anything is wrong....I simply agree with them (because out in public he DOESN'T look like anything is wrong!). They only see him for a few minutes at the most. I just hope some get to see him when he becomes more "advanced" in this disease - then see what they say! Thank you all for your words of wisdom, sarcasm, whatever the case may be - love 'em all! It has also made me examine myself & how guilty I probably have been in the past (actually, no "probably" about it!), & to be aware of those things in myself.