Hubby got approved for placement on first available bed in the province. Which means he could go way up north or over to the island....any where.
After having time to mull this over I decided that he was losing enough with his mind going and then to send him some place that he wouldn't have his family or friends around to support him and make sure he has good care was just wrong to me. So I call and left a message with the placement person that he wasn't going any where they had but that he was to be placed close to home and if that meant that we had to wait longer or they took him off the list then so be it.
I would consider phoning some time again to make sure he's on a list for placement closer to home - confirming he's not been taken off the wrong list. It's wrenching stuff. Stay frosty soldier.
Amber, I think you made a wise decision, particularly since BC is such a large province, and not the easiest to get around in (particularly in the winter months). Have you defined "close to home" and are there many options? I have always assumed that my DH will end up in the NH in our local town, 25 km away, and that, eventually I will move to town too, when trying to maintain this property on my own becomes too much for me. My friends, my sister, and my church are all in the local town so other than giving up our lake front home, I would not be losing anything else to move there. Not only is the NH in town the closest, its the only NH within 80 km (50 miles). I know that if I had to travel 80 km to visit, I would not visit more than once a week, whereas if he were in town I could visit as often as I want. So I think you need to decide what kind of distances you are prepared to travel to see your hubby, and how often you think you might be visiting. Wolf is also right - you should phone again to make sure that your message was received (and understood). Miscommunication can happen so easily, particularly since most people these days are multitasking at the time (guilty :-))
Good for you! That would be devastating for him. You have done good lady!! Wolf is right, check with them to make sure he is on a list closer to you, they may just take him off altogether and you would never know. My DH is causing lots of stress for me and they said they can put him on the crisis list and that is the same thing you were offered and I said no I will wait for a bed where he chose to go. I wish more concern for there feeling would be put into these decisions. I realize that they only have so many beds available at one time but to put them so far away is cruel. We just don't know how much they can understand.
I put my wife in a home and I am living 250 miles away from her. (We have been married 57 years, so we are not kids). It was that or die myself, maybe before her. There are no right answers in this thing and no wrong ones either. We have a daughter who lives in the same town where wife is, but I only go to visit once a month. Ideal? Not even close. On the other hand she is better cared for than i could do and time has no meaning for her, so if i was there yesterday or a week or two ago it is all the same to her. Do what works for you and plow ahead.
Amber, you know what's best for you and your husband. Do as wolf says, check to make sure he's on the list and the one to place him close to home. I don't know how it works in Canada, but if you HAD to put him in a facility far away for his/your safety, would you be able to transfer him to a closer facility if a bed opened up? Not ideal but perhaps an option.
Thanks for your support. I couldn't of lived with myself if I had let him go far away and I couldn't check on him and the care he was receiving. It just would seem like elder abuse/neglect to me.
The NH close to when I live have patients that are at the end of this disease late 6 and 7. Hubby is 5 and early 6. He is much higher functioning than everyone there so they are looking into a Step Up program for him so he would be around people at his stage and as he got worst the care would increase.
I will definitely call the placement nurse again and make sure she understood what I was talking about.
Best regards to you dear Amber. There are so many decisions which we are forced to do for our spouses and so many of them are painfully heartbreaking difficult, but you are doing the very best you can. May your family and friends support in your decisions! Peace to you.
Took your advice and talked to the placement nurse yesterday. Her comment when she heard my message was "I (the nurse) didn't explain it properly to you". Had a good discussion and now we are both on the same page and going forward. He is again on the wait list for the veterans care center in Burnaby. They have a "step up" program that is suited for people like him....stage 5 with aggression. The nurse there said he would fit in well.
Interesting insight....was at psychologist appointment on Thursday and we were asking hubby why he wouldn't go into respite and he said that his grandparents and his parents looked after each other till the very end and that I should too. No one in his family had dementia and died from other health related diseases after a short illness. When we tried to explain this to him....well you know how it goes....you can't reason with someone whose reasoning button is broken. sigh...
Amber, I am so glad to hear that your hubby is again on the wait list for the Vet's home. I know that he would fit in really well there. I hope for your sake that it can happen soon...