Be careful what you wish for. I was hoping the turmeric drink would improve DH’s cognitive abilities. The good news – it’s improving DH’s level of engagement, and I think his problem solving, as well.. The bad news – his social filter did not make the same rebound. I now fear a return of the dark years.
We experienced a period of a year or two before DH’s MCI diagnosis and about a year after which were very unsettling. One of DH’s worst symptoms was an inability to cope. The slightest problem would cause him extreme frustration and he would often fly into rages. I mentally refer to that period as “the dark years.” Happily, a few years ago, that subsided for the most part as DH became more withdrawn, less social, and I think just entirely occupied with trying to keep up with everyday life – recording everything in his iPhone, trying to make sense of conversations swirling around him, coping with deteriorating conditions at work, etc.
It was the latter which really gave me the nudge to give the turmeric a try. Watching things fall to pieces with DH’s work was very difficult. It hurt to see DH, one of the top performers in his field, losing so much. I worried about his company as well, the effect his reduced sales would have on all the other employees.
So now, after a few months on the turmeric drink, DH is much more engaged. Unfortunately, this new engaging DH dominates conversations, turns the conversation to himself every time someone else says anything (not even trying for a natural segue), says things that shouldn’t be said – ever, and is easily and often irritated.
Yesterday he lost it - just went totally bonkers. He had an important work appointment coming up. A week ago, I mentioned he should get in to have his hair dyed and cut (it looked terrible). He called, but when he couldn’t get in that day, he could not figure out that he should set an appointment for the next available day (even when I told him to do that). This repeated for several days. Yesterday, I suggested he REALLY needed to get his hair taken care of before his meeting. So he went to my salon. He called me on his way home, in a rage! You would have thought his entire face had been chemically destroyed and he’d suffered irreparable damage, and that his hair was rainbow colored. I was in a neighbor’s yard when he drove down our small, side street at well over 40 m.p.h. My neighbor gasped, “Oh my God! He’s going to drive into the garage door!” as he whipped into our driveway barely slowing. He stormed to the mailbox and into the house. A short time later he came up the street and began ranting - pointing at a spot near his hairline that looked perfectly normal and demanding, “Do you see that?!” - complaining about his head burning. My neighbor calmly replied, “I don’t see anything. When you get your hair dyed, every now and then it can sting a little – that happens. Your hair looks great! She did a really nice job!” That took the wind out of DH's sails and he just looked dumbfounded. I suggested if the dye stung him he ought to go home and take a shower.
Ugh! It was shades of the dark years – all over again. I don’t want that again. I am so glad my youngest goes off to college in a few days. Wish I could go, too – LOL!
So, what am I to make of all this? Is the turmeric really helping with plaques and tangles? It certainly seems to be doing something; although, I guess it could all be a placebo effect. If it clears some plaques and tangles and not others, are we really better off? If I had to endure another 2 to 3 year period of rages on the way to DH fully recovering, I would do it in a heartbeat. But if we are just going back to the dark years without a full recovery – if we get stuck in the dark years – no thanks! Does DH’s recent behavior even have anything to do with the turmeric, or could this just be some unrelated, natural progression of his disease? Who knows?!
We’ll keep at it with the turmeric for now. Part of this experiment includes giving DH a cognitive test before and after. I was going to have him retake it after 6 months, but if the inappropriate behavior continues, maybe we’ll retest after 3 months.
I can't comment on the turmeric, but I am wondering if it is time for your husband to stop working and go on disability. I don't see how he can manage with sales if his social skills are disappearing.
I can't comment on the turmeric but I know the brain is constantly trying to repair itself. Forging new pathway when the old one are clogged with plaque. How many of us have said he wasn't able to do this for a year and now all of a sudden he can. Unfortunately this disease always wins and soon that new pathway is clogged too.
Mary - Keep us posted on his progress, maybe you've hit onto something.
Mary--those of us who have been on this path for many years have learned that most of our and our spouses' former lives have to be let go. Issues like having your husband's hair dyed need to be re-evaluated and probably discontinued. Your lives need to be streamlined and simplified, for both your sakes. I now realize that early on, I spent too much of my energy in trying to maintain the status quo, rather than adapting to the losses. It is hard to do, but necessary for maintaining sanity. I also agree with paulc's comment about considering full or partial retirement for your husband--he must be under terrible stress at work.
I would love for my husband to retire – my son and I have been urging him to for several years. He refuses. He will work until he is fired which, if things don’t improve, I am sure will be within a year. His sales are down significantly – I am sure his customers have noticed. It is painful to watch, but as with most other things, I have beat my head against the wall long enough to realize I am only hurting my own head – I have no control.
mariylninMD, you are probably right – I should have just let him go as is, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to abandon him like that. Maybe I do need to adjust my thinking – abandoning him as far as appearance, etc, would hasten his retirement - which would be the best thing for him. So maybe it is time to just let it happen…
You guys are so wise! Thank you for your advice...
Why don't you try eliminating the turmeric for a while and see what happens. It could be that it is doing nothing and that this is just the natural progression of the disease.
My husband was on turmeric for years for health purposes but I don't think it did anything for him cognitively.
What jumped out at me in your post was not the turmeric, not the hair color, or his lack of social skills, but why is he still driving? With impaired judgment and outbursts he's endangering himself and others.
My husband was also dx so early that it was MCI; I relate to much of your situation. It is so difficult when the person with dementia is still working and driving, which are both hot-button issues and should be addressed. Also, the rages can be addressed with psychiatric medications and pretty much eliminated. Have you spoken with his doctor about these behaviors (and also the turmeric)?
Mary--I hate that you used the word "abandon". You are doing the opposite of abandoning him--you are clearly concerned and loving. One of the hardest things for some female caregivers to do is to assume control over their husband's lives, but it has to be done. However, because rational explanations won't work, you need to start some therapeutic fibbing. Of course he may not want to voluntarily retire, he probably doesn't think there's much wrong with him.
Why wait until his performance deteriorates so much that he is fired--that is a terrible blow. Could you discuss with your son the possibility of speaking to your husband's boss about the situation--maybe the 2 of you? Perhaps he could be laid off (the boss could say the company is downsizing, for example). This is what happened to my husband--his company was actually bought out and his job was abolished. It was so fortunate, because he was never told that he was let go because of poor performance--his dignity was maintained and he continued to look for another job. When none materialized, he eventually accepted retirement. But at least he ended his career without being told he couldn't cut it anymore. He suffered so many losses, I am so thankful that at least he was spared that indignity.
Mary, another benefit to your husband not being fired would be his ability to collect disability insurance if he has that through the company. Typical policies (held by the company for the benefit of its employees) pay from 50-60% of a persons salary (or compensation) for a period of time (usually 6 months to 1 year depending on the benefit). That would allow him to receive some income as a transition and most likely continue any health benefits he receives through the company during the time he's collecting disability pay. Of course it would require that a doctor certifies that he has a disability and your husband may not agree to that.
Like Marilyn, I too spent a lot of time in the beginning of our journey trying to keep the status quo and not adapting to the changes. I'm sure I thought if things weren't changing outwardly then perhaps things weren't that bad or wouldn't get that bad. Of course dementia always wins, but back then I thought I could stave it off. Foolish woman, I was.
LFL says it all: " I too spent a lot of time in the beginning of our journey trying to keep the status quo and not adapting to the changes".........."Of course dementia always wins, but back then I thought I could stave it off. Foolish woman, I was." All of us, myself included, have proceeded to try every "snake oil" remedy in the book, and then some, but at some point reality takes over. Alzheimer's / dementia is, at present, a progressive and incurable disease. The sooner we accept the reality of what the future holds, the more time we have to prepare for all of the for the inevitable, fiscal, medical and emotional decisions we all will face.
Your reference to "social filter" really resonated with me. My husband's career demanded that he use a specific body of knowledge and also for him to have a presence that depended on appearance and social skills. When these started to deteriorate I turned myself into a pretzel trying to maintain things. I thought that if the externals could be maintained, that I cold stave off the dementia.
MY denial was strong but once I realized that there was no stall and certainly no reverse I began to tune in more to my husband's emotional challenges: the fear, apprehension, despair. We weren't talking in those terms. My husband's employers were not kind, to say the least. So, I believe their actions greatly contributed to his decline.
LFL and marilyninMD made excellent observations. Like you, I wish my husband could have retired. I hope your husband gets that chance. In my case I watched my husband fade with being told that he was useless. I believe he knew what was happening to him. They took everything away from him and then took his dignity too.
my husband has been taking tumeric for a couple years now. I have no idea if it works, but I do know he ran out for about three weeks and I noticed more little losses. He is back on it again, for 4 days now and the only thing I have noticed he shocks me more often with recent things he remembers. Since it was said it works with oil, I make sure he takes his fish oil at the same time. Whether it works or not - who knows. As his neuro told me when I asked her about it: it can't hurt!
I agree that I would talk with his boss and see if they can lay him off. Consider for your husband - if the stress of work is removed, he may calm down. Of course, the driving issue will escalate his anger probably. All I can say - is I would not knowingly be out there driving around someone that has rage problems while driving. He is a disaster waiting to happen.
Rather than lay him off they should dismiss him for medical reasons. I have no idea what the correct term would be but this way he could collect short term disability insurance, if his company offers it, and it may make it easier to collect long term disability insurance.
paulc is correct--I found out way after the fact that if my husband had been let go for medical reasons, he probably could have received short-term disability benefits. As it was, he received unemployment benefits and then SS disability benefits. (I was told this by the consultant I hired to help with the SSDI. He said it's a very common occurrence.)