It has been almost 4 months since I lost Kathryn and I still miss her every day. I guess I always will to some extent. I am still mad about it but it has started getting a little easier. When I was younger I used to ride motorcycles and stopped when my son was born because I wanted to be there for him as he was growing up. When I sold my last one I got him a prepaid college with it. The day after I sold it I started my new motorcycle savings account and have put a thousand dollars a year in it ever since. By the time he was on his own Kathryn was sick so I put it off and continued putting money in the account. When I lost Kathryn I had saved up 33,000 dollars for a new bike and last month I got a new Harley Tri-Glide. I ride it every morning, it doesn't rain and have I found that it helps because there are no memories of Kathryn connected to it. I have also moved into another house we bought to be our retirement home. I could no longer stay in our house we lived in. There were too many bad memories there. I started playing golf again and one day the ranger asked me if I would be interested in joining a threesome. I joined the threesome. It was an older couple and a lady about my age or a little older maybe. We had a good round of golf and decided to get together again the next week and the four of us play every Tuesday morning at a different course in the area. I have stopped going to her grave every week and now only go once a month on the 25th and put flowers on it and my Mother's and Father's which as luck would have it are very near Kathryn's. I am reaching the point where I think I will start only going on special occasions soon. But for now I will go every month still.
I still hurt when I think about Kathryn and I still have bad days but they are becoming farther apart. I still flip flop on decisions. One moment I want to do something and the next I don't feel like it, but that is getting easier too. I have not dated or even considered it yet and I think that will be awhile. Right now I just don't have the desire to date at all.
I still think of Kathryn often and I still miss her so much and it still hurts when I do. But over all it is beginning to slowly get a little easier.
I don't expect to or have any interest in getting over the anger. I expect to learn to temper it and channel it. Being alone for 20 months now I also see that things that looked like they might be set are now changing inside in overall better ways where I'm starting to understand this isn't the final level either.
I have to admit that it was just two weeks ago I had the thought for the first time that like everyone who loses something, I wanted my stuff back - but I was guaging on when we were together and who I was then. It never occurred to me I might grow and be a 'better' person than before.
I want Dianne back. That's the only thing I really want and that's not going to change for a long time. But at the same time life is suprising me. I think the raw truth is I want to feel full again but never hoped or expected it and every few months when I feel better I'm kind of suprised by it.
The extent of the determination I've had to come back isn't actually necessary anymore and my expectations of what it would feel like are wrong. I'm not putting the gun down just yet though.
What I'm saying Jim is that after over a year of it slowly getting a little easier, life is starting to get more genuine potential more rapidly than I'd hoped for.
My feelings about things may always remain more complex than before, I don't know. What I do know is the disciplines I demanded of myself are starting to get in the way of what is actually happening around and inside me which is a great thing to be able to say.
I hope and suspect you will see a similar course in your own manner.
Jim, so good to hear from you. I am glad to hear you are doing things just for you and finding new and different things to bring you a measure of happiness. I imagine it will hurt for a long time to come but was glad to hear it is getting a tiny bit easier for you. You are in my thoughts often ((hugs))
Jim, it is great hearing from you. Really glad you are actively trying to adjust to a new routine. Keep trying to ward off the sadness! Enjoy your bike.
Yes Jim how great to hear from you, and how comforting to hear how well you are doing, after all that has gone on. Keep it up what a great example you are, of someone who loved his wife beyond any love, suffers, and yet keeps his head up. Bless you to continue on this path.
It's good to hear from you. You been down a long hard journey in Kathryn's caretaking and have done a fantastic job. It sounds like you are adjusting well and hope that you will continue progressing!
Please continue to "check in": In sharing your progress and mental fortitude you are an encourager for those that will soon be facing the "end journey". This helps and reassures that we can move forward successfully.
Jim, I’m glad to hear you have found activities to begin moving forward. Enjoy that bike! I used to love riding – especially through country and mountain roads – such fun! One day at a time…
Jim - thanks for posting a positive report it gives me hope that one day this journey "after" will bring me to the place where I can have a positive report. Enjoy that Harley!
Hi All, I told you at the beginning of this post back on August 12th that I had gone to play golf and was asked if I would play with another golfer that was also there alone and another couple and I said yes. They paired me up with a lady named Deborah and we had a nice conversation as we played. I enjoyed her company and we set up another tee time to play again. We have now played four times (she beat me the first two times and I beat her the third and fourth times). I had a fun relaxing time each time we played. I am considering asking her out to dinner one night. I feel good about it mostly when I think about it and then quilty after thinking about it. I still miss Kathryn so much and think of her often (many times a day) It still hurts when I think of her and I still have anger about losing her. I think back to when we first found out she was sick and she told me not to grieve her any more than I needed to. The problem is I believe I will always grieve having lost her. We were so much a part of each other it is like losing a vital organ and trying to continue without it. How do you do that?
I did do something that was way out of the box for me. I road my Harley to Washington on Sept. 11th in honor of all our fallen in 2001. A friend of mine showed me an article in the paper about someone asking 2,000,000 bikers to ride up there and I said lets go. He asked if I was serious and I said yes. He told his wife what we were going to do. She asked him if we had lost our minds but we did it. We road 720 miles in 12 hours counting gas stops and lunch. We were there on Sept. 11th. It was so great to get there and see how many bikers were there in honor of those that gave their lives while trying to save others.
Jim, Our hearts are miraculous organs. They grow...expanding with every important person we add to our lives. We can love our parents, our siblings, our spouse, and each child we are blessed with. None get short changed. When we lose someone we have loved, it hurts and their place in our hearts feels empty. The pain will dull and our memories will help fill the space-it will not disappear. But our heart will continue to grow with each new person we add to our lives, and none will take another's place-they'll have their own.
So, ask your new friend to dinner. Take your time but be open to new things. Do more things "outside the box". You and Kathryn were both correct. You will always grieve losing her, but only do that to the degree you need to. Your heart is not gone, just battered....and healing.
Carosi, it's always good to read your posts: they make me feel that the world really does make sense, after all. Jim, that sounds like such a great ride! Congrats! Yes, take her out to dinner. Life is to be enjoyed.
Thank you Jim. So inspiring and hopeful to read of your progress. I agree with Mary's comment on your post Carosi. Wonderful! Mary you noted, "Life is to be enjoyed." I am going to start saying that out loud several times a day. Thank you.
Jim - one day at a time, one encounter at a time. You have no reason to feel guilty. If you want to ask her out, just make sure she knows it is just that. You can always do another golf game and do something light to eat right afterwards.
You and Kathyrn had a big love. They say the more you love the more you have to give.
Jim: It's been just a little over a month. Grief therapy + a few shrink visits have me back on track. I think most of us began to grieve the loss of our mates when the lost the ability to function as such. I can't begin to describe the sense of loss when my DW failed to recognized me or our children. Her ability to speak had long ago disappeared she had in retrospect ceased to be the woman I loved and was merely a shell of that person. Most of us are grieving the loss of our LO's long before the loss of their physical presence. This is true, in my opinion, for all caregivers providing aide to those suffering from long term incurable illnesses. My DW suffered horrifically her last several months, watching her resulted in my being DX'ed by my primary at the recommendation of the Hospice MD's with PTSD. I was fortunate to have found the right Psychiatrist and within several sessions began to renew living again. I've learned to accept that I will always have a massive void in my life, the secret is how often and for how long we choose to peer into that void. We can never fill that void with another, we just can learn to function better and live our lives a little less pain. In my case it was a music therapist, a singer and keyboard player, not a golfer and I did ask her out. During DW'd final months suffering from the agony of cancer and the inability to convey her needs due to AZ music therapy provided far more relief than Morphine to my DW. The music therapist was also widowed. Well, I asked her out to dinner last night and we had a wonderful time. First smiles and laughter for me in weeks. When I awoke to find a txt msg. "wonderful time let's do it again soon. Wed work for you?" it does for me. I felt like a giddy teenager.
Jim ....It made me happy just to read your story. I'm hoping that your new friendship blossoms step by step into a new life for you. ....Just make sure that your new friend understands that she will never take the place of Kathryn in your heart.......... ....Hoping the best for you Jim. You deserve some happiness now.
Jim, You were a wonderful husband to Kathryn. I know she appreciated all the care and love you gave her, especially during those last months. Kathryn would not want you to feel guilty about continuing to live your life. Like Carol and others have said, no one will ever take Kathryn's place in your heart. I think, however, you have plenty of room in that big heart of yours to let others in. If you think it feels right to ask your new golf partner out, just do it. I was happy to hear about your unbelievable bike trip - good for you!!!
Jim, you deserve a wonderful life - go for it! As others have said, you will always love Kathryn and she will always have a special place in your heart. New friendship or even love interest never can erase her from your heart and soul, and as Carol so eloquently said, our heart is an amazing organ-growing each time we make a connection.
Marty, good or you too! You, Jim, George and the others have been such wonderful caregivers and mates. Good bless you all. You deserve happiness.
Thanks for the encouragement, I am playing golf with her on Tuesday and I think I will ask her if she would like to get something to eat afterward and see how it goes. Unless I chicken out. I think this was much easier why I was younger.
Good for you, Jim ... take some chances. I've been wondering a lot about this issue myself lately. My Clare is so much more confused these days, and what little memory she still has left is fading faster and faster. This past week, our Michigander son was visiting for a week to help me deal with some of my hip replacement post-op matters .. he literally did all the heavy lifting, replaced ceiling light bulbs, cooked me some meals, etc. And, of course, he took advantage of my daily visits to see Clare. He brought Clare the most recent school pictures of his 2 daughters. Clare had just seen the girls in October, but this week ... she had no idea of who those '2 pretty girls' were. Despite Rob identifying and talking about the girls, Clare couldn't keep it straight in her mind as to who was who. And on one afternoon this week, Clare forgot who our son was. So ... I know I'm on borrowed time as far as Clare continuing to know who I am. And as I am rehabbing from my surgery, I've been' thinking a lot more about the life ahead of me. As with so many who come to this site, Clare and I have had a fairy tale marriage of 46+ years. Everything we did ... we did together. It will not be easy to go out and do things as a singleton. Sure, I'll return to golf and bowling once my hip is all healed. But whether or not I'll have the opportunity to meet a singleton female ... and just how I'd react were I to actually do so ... remains to be seen. I won't feel guilty. I know that Clare would want me to have a full life just as I would want that for Clare. But, frankly, I just don't know. That chapter of my life remains to be written. I have started to write about my feelings, though. In a soon to be published article that ends a trilogy or pieces about the placement process in care Advantage, the quarterly magazine of the Alzheimer's Foundation of America, I just added a sidebar and wrote ... so I've placed Clare in an ALF; now what?! Keep us posted, Jim!