Well, bad start to today, but really leftover from yesterday. DH lost keys again. This is a once a week or more thing. He doesn't drive, but likes to carry his keys. He has keys to his garage and house and tool cabinets on his ring. So we look and look. He of course is looking in places that make no sense. I usually can find them. In a door or cabinet lock. But not this time. So it is 9:30pm and he needs to shower and we go to bed at 10:00. Get up this morning and the hunt is on. I put a roast in crockpot and tea bags on to make ice tea and go to make the bed. He is eating breakfast. I come down full flames on stove. I turned wrong eye on stove top on. The crockpot is in flames. I put it out, no damage but to crockpot and roast. Smoke detector was hoing off. Trying to get him to help me open doors to get smell out. Then we look for keys. Find them in a cabinet. I did. He then comes I. Later saying how he found them. I want to scream. No I did! Last night I found a dead snake in pool. So I got it out. Then took trash out, it busted ran down my leg. I know minor stuff, well except for fire. I am ready to bust.
I cut the grass the other day and now my calf muscle is in knots. I am short and riding the mower, I have to stretch my leg to push th gas. I did move seat up as far as it would go. I keep saying I ant to move and he gets all upset. It is to much for me to do. We have a big house to keep clean and 2 acres and a pool. I keep thinking when he forgets more I will sell. But we all know that it takes forever to get there for some. I know that sounds bad, but I wish it would go quick.
I am so sorry about the morning. I know the day after day after day...... just gets to you after a while. My days just seem like they never end. But I know it will end and that makes me sad. It is funny, DH has gone down so fast, at times I wish it had been slower. Guess it is the grass is always greener thing. Hope the rest of your day goes better. (((Hugs)))
Hey Jackie - Only us on this web site when we say we can relate you know for sure that we can really relate.
Hubby does same thing with fire except he put his gloves on the wood stove and was sitting beside it while it was smoking away. Doing his jobs around the cabin and have him there inspecting. Grrrrrrrr And the losing the keys don't even get me started. If he wore a belt I would get one of the key holders with a chain on it that's attach to his belt. And of course you know YOU are the one that TOOK them and You are the one that LOST them and HE is the one that FOUND them. BS!!!
I was going to say tomorrow will be better but we all know that's BS too.
Oh so true. He will say where did you put my things. Or that I hid them. That chain on a belt would be a good thing. Although I find myself questioning what he did with something of mine if I can't find it. I know when he is gone I will be sad.
Jackie - I would drain the pool so you would not have to take care of it. As for the grass - kill off all but the grass closer to the house - grass you could get done quickly. Kill off the grass and plant native shrubs if you want something in that area.
As for keys - when we moved to the new park we are in he could not find his MH keys which has the key to the bays also. He took mine and did not give them back. When asked where mine were he said he did not know. I told him they were in the ignition when he lowered the jacks plus they have a blue strap on them so I can wear them around my neck. Found them - eventually found his. Knew they would be wherever the lock to the car dolly was since it was missing. Found both under the straps for the car dolly. Like all of you, missing keys are becoming more common.
Well today is no better. My DH had not ridden his bike in over a year. He got lost and had 3 accidents on the bike. One required stitches and road rash on legs and arms. He just informed me he was riding. I tried being nice but of course that did not work. So I took the chain off the bike. I just look out and he got it back on. I threatened to call police. He can't put his clothes on right tie a tie but can put a chain on a bike!! I am really going to lose it
you may have to get more drastic and lose the bike. like say it was stolen. and that you must file a police report **that will take time) if you know hes not safe on the streets its time for detailed supervision. sorry but these times do come when we are ready or not. you are not alone in having to make difficult decisions to keep them safe. divvi
It's like removing vehicle driving rights--someone else might be affected by his unsafe riding. I put a chain lock on hsb's bicycle, and he tried to remove it; wondered how it got there. The bicycle disappeared when a son visited. "Son has the bicycle." That was okay.
In 2008 my wife had a bicycle accident, she swerved directly in front of another cyclist who was coming fast from the other direction. She was riding too close behind our son. She felt tired but it didn't occur to her to swerve off of the bike path. Fortunately the other cyclist was OK, unfortunately my wife suffered a brain injury (she was not diagnosed with dementia at the time but looking back it is clear that the dementia was a cause for the accident). So, yes, keep him off of the bicycle, for his safety and others.
Well, he snuck out on bike behind neighbors houses so I would not see. I was watching the driveway, did not think he would do that. Went outside he was gone. I have a locator on his cell phone but it only hits within 2.5 miles of where he is. He called said he was in town. I got in car and headed out. Finally got police department to help me. He was going in circles miles from house. He told them he could get home. I asked him our address in front of them and he did not know it. We got him and bike in my car and headed home. The police told me how to take bike apart. I told him if he was headed home then tell me how to get there. Of course he couldn't. He cussed and said I just wanted to control him. This is the 2nd time police have had to help me. One other 2 years ago he walked out of a store mad at me. I thought he was behind me. He ended up 5 miles away before we found him. They move fast when they want to. I am tired. Now he is acting like nothing happened. I guess I should have know the wind was blowing the wrong way so to say. He said he wasn't talking to me anymore. I m ok with that. He told me to leave his house. I told him I wasn't and he could live here with me or move in with his mom. I know he won't do that. He said he didn't have a compass. I said well what way would you have gone. He said south. I said just straight south. We live in Georgia, I said well I have wanted to go to the beach. If we drive south we will end up in Florida. One way to get. Vacation. Haha. Sorry so long a post.
Jackie, last year my husband took his bike out one day and wasn't found until 22 hours later. The day he returned, his daughter came and picked up both our bikes and stored them for us. I told him they were getting repaired. He was a little irritated after several weeks but finally stopped asking. It is so difficult to physically take things away from them but, as we all know, it's necessary for their own protection.
Yes he is still driving. Sneaks out (like yours Jackie) and off he goes....just to corner store to get the mail. Passed his drivers test this spring so still have his license.
Amber, The same thing happened with the car. He took a test and passed. He had an accident after that and that was that. I told him I was not losing everything because of his stubbornness. So still have the truck. If he takes off in it I will sell it or give it to my nephew. It will be gone. The bike is going to disappear or break and then I will take it to get fixed. But it will not come back.
Jackie and others, if your spouse has an official diagnosis of dementia, even though he may have passed the driving test, your automobile insurance may not cover the accident. Not sure but something to think about. You should check your policy.
Yea he hasn't driven in two years. But he had not ridden his bike in a year. So if he tries the car now I will sell it. I don't know what triggered the bike ride. So I don't know if something will trigger driving. The sex thing was triggered some how too. I am tired of this. You think it is going well, then slam.
Amber, I believe that having a valid drivers license means having insurance in BC (and in Quebec) but not everywhere - its the way our provinces set it up, which is why we pay so much for our driver's license and plates for the vehicles. My DH doesn't drive anymore anyway, and he doesn't know where the keys are. Yesterday, though, he decided he wanted to go for a walk, I had just started to cook supper. He did tell me where he was headed, and I watched him go. Gave him ten minutes, and if he wasn't back by then I was going to go after him. There was really no where he could go, but I was prepared to chase him down in the car if I had to. He was almost back home when I went looking for him (Whew!). The advantages of living in the country where the nearest cross street is almost a mile away!
My dh's license will most likely be revoked in the morning. Had an accident 2 months ago, day before he was dx. I went to driver control, they made him appointment to come. They gave him papers to be filled out by Dr., Dr. Immediately sent them to driver control, they called him for another appt. he goes tomorrow. I had body shop slow down fixing the car. It will be delivered tomorrow. He is accusing.me of hiding it. Now if I could just get the keys from him. It's been a very bad day. His anger is at a new high. I'm responsible if he hits someone, and we could lose everything. We will survive.
Insurance coverage of people with dementia dx varies by country, state/province and insurance company from what I have heard. Some insurance companies will insure a driver as long as they have a driver's license, others will not or required testing. Best to always let the insurance company know the situation. If they say they will continue to insure the driver I suggest getting that in writing and that they are aware of the dementia dx.
most people don't realize when you renew your drivers license or as a clause attached to it, you are affirming that there are no changes that would affect your driving abilities. I would suspect most of the states at least here have that sort of affirmation attached whether you renew in person or online. if you renew and don't notify of a dementia dx, they have a way out. same with insurance companies. most policies have some sort of written agenda within their policy that states they require the insureds to advise and notice them of any changes mental or physical that could be an added risk. if you don't do it, then yet another way out if they chose not to cover a claim. most of us don't read the entire policy well to know what each requires. a notice to the company offers then an out as to whether they want to renew continue coverages, or if they are entitled to charge higher premiums for added risk. its all about business in the long run. you run a risk not making sure you know the options - divvi
Well I took the pin out of wheel on bike. He just told me he we going for a ride. He is checking bike out doesn't realize what is wrong. I am shaking. Was up until 2 last night because he was mad. I lost it so now he thinks he is in control. I am really tired if this.
Jackie if you can call the dr and tell him of his raging - just tell the doctor you don't feel safe. hopefully he can recommend some new measures to help you with this. meds become our friends. we sometimes have to be a bit devious to get them to take them but in the long run its in their and our best interest. hope you find some help. it is good you disabled the bike. I hope he accepts it without a lot of anger.
Jackie - I have hubby go to our mental health team...elder nurse and geriatric psychiatrist...do you have something like that down there? They arranged for the emergency extraction to be put in place so when he becomes too aggressive I call 911 and they will come and remove him and send him to the psych ward for evaluation and med adjustments.
Well, today started out rough. He wants to divorce me and never see me again. He is going to find a doctor that will tell everyone I am lying and there is nothing wrong with him. So I called his mom to come and get him. Later he calls me and said he is ready to come home. He whispers I love you. I was what. Couldn't believe I heard right. I said you are sure you want to come home. He is home and so far so good. We will see. Take what I can get. I guess I m not as bad as what he thought. He blames me for all that is happening to him. Hopefully this problem is over. But I am just waiting for it to blow again. I hate as everyone says walking on egg shells.
He wants to divorce you....he promises....sorry just had to add a bit of cheekiness.
Thank goodness his mom is able to take him off your hands for a while. Yep we are the scape goat for all life miseries and wrongs. Hey at least we have this place to hang out together.
I like the cheekiness. I thought the same thing. He said that I just stay for the money. I quit my full time job 5 years ago to stay home to take care of him. I quit my 3 day 4 hour a week preschool job this year because he is worse. He said you just don't want to get a job and work. Really! 12 three year olds at preschool is a dream compared to this. And every ugly banking customer is a dream also. Would love to be back at the bank and see people! Get to dress up and go to lunch. You mean have a life. Sorry venting.
Mine told me recently that he was going to take his pensions and leave and I would have to go back to work. Well you know I couldn't keep my mouth shut with that one. I was "hey that's great then I can get back to being with people. Here let me help you pack and don't let the door hit you on the a** on the way out." And the name calling, are you kidding me! Buddy if I wasn't here you would be so screwed.
He also thinks it's all about the money here too but I have made a lot more money than he has for years and I have the benefit pkg that is paying for his medical needs...thank goodness it has a great pharmacy plan. Managed the money and looked after the home and repairs plus my job was running group homes....and he thinks I would be in trouble....You just have to shake your head.
I'm sorry you had to quit your job. When he is gone, placed, can you go back to your job? I took a sick leave from work so at least I still have a job to go back too.
I will not be able to go back to the same job. But I have 23 years working in banking in different departments. I know I will be able to find something. It depends on the economy and jobs at that time. The banking industry cut back a lot.
Well, he wanted to come back from his moms yesterday, loved me and was fine. This morning Lester Holt was on his bike on the Today Show. Well, then it started again. When will this end!!!!! Can't filter everything on TV.
I miss working - never thought I would say that. I miss the break in the office talking to other RVers about RV life. I miss contact with normal people, even brief contacts.
Well, it started again tonight. I am tired and really thinking about being done. So for 2 days everything is fine. Then he comes in from hi garage and I am a terrible person. It is all about the bike again. So I will get it fixed and someone else can find him. I am tired of this s***. I really am done. I am tired if fixing everything he breaks, tired of him accusing me if things, tired if "oh I could cook and clean". Oh if you can't tell I am am and tired. So yep the cops can find him when he is lost. This time I will let them take him to the hospital. All of you know I am blowing off steam. I will have to place him soon or I will need to be placed!
Jackie, vent away, I'm sure everyone knows how you feel. Sometimes we've all just had enough. And when they get fixated on something, well....it's impossible to distract them. I am always envious that many spouses here are able to distract their LO - no way will my DH get distracted for more than 3 minutes.
Thanks for the hugs! Unfortunately we live in an area where people ride their bikes on the road past out house daily. So I may be able to redirect for a short time. Then a bike goes by. I slept in another room last night. If he brings it up today, I will tell him to call his sister and mom to take his bike and get it fixed. Someone else can be the bad guy. If they take him, they can go find him when he is lost. We have a family event at his moms this weekend, step kids and all. They haven't seen him in over 4 months. So if it continues I will tell one of them "do you want him?" I know they don't. So they need to back me. It's funny everyone says I am doing the right thing, but none of them will say it to him. Maybe if they all say it to, he wouldn't blame just me. Wishful thinking. He thinks I can manipulate everyone including doctors. Their kind is truly a wonder.
Jackie, nothing like your issues, mine are all pretty much mundane compared to your emotional turmoil you're being forced to endure, but the last two days have been trying here too, but more like if it can go wrong it will.
. 1 AC begins to falter won't chill home below 79 degrees. This is FL. 92 deg weather with 100% humidly. Over comes service man promptly and informs me that due a faulty installation 7 years ago (on 4x4's, not a concrete slab my AC is rotted out and just the plumbing is holding coil and compressor in place on the ground. He does a temp repair can now get to mid 70's gives me a replacement price. Luckily with a dehumidifier and overhead fans it's quite tolerable Call two other contractors for bids everyone +/- $100 for comparable machines. OK give the order when?? Oh we can't install until after the holiday.. We're backed up.. Call the other two competitors same story + don't you realize we have to pull a permit from theTown building dept and they're backed up a week. Time out, Mr. Installer you are licensed by the town right? Yes, we have to be. The Electrician is licensed . by the town, right?? Yes they have to be. And you can't proceed with an installation until a clerk gives you a piece of paper? Yup! Our town is run by GOP small government, business should be free of regulations, types, but I can' t install a new AC? Letter to the Editor time.
2. I wear hearing aids The result of too much really loud R&R blasting from my Walkman during my youth destroying my hearing. Naturally one breaks, I think it's just the battery holder... Get that repaired still won't start. Repair/Rebuild 375.00 and 2-3 weeks. go to Internet find an authorized dealer who will do the same repair in 48 hrs for 175.00. Asked my audiologist if I would hear any better with new aids, "no not really, yours work fine, just the newer ones offer blue tooth and other advanced tech.” Never mind.
3. Get a letter from Condo Association.. due to unusually heavy rains our roof is failing they want to replace, not repair, the roof at a cost of $500,000k Guess which apartment is leaking... the President of the Board's Battle Royal to follow.
4 In the same mail I receive a letter containing 28 pages of Interrogatories for which I have to assemble info and reply to for a law suit I'm bringing against a contractor who caused a fall, resulting in a head injury and loss of 80% vision in one eye. 5 During all this, DW because she's not the center of attention has begun to display every symptom in her book of tricks. incessant pacing, spitting, non stop burping, rummaging etc...Thank the Lord for Lorazapam. At least Jackie 99% of my issues involve “things” things that can be dealt with, not relationship issues My heart goes out to you. I've just got a temp sys overload situation that will be resolved
Jackiem29, so sorry that you are having to endure this. I am a Georgia girl also, Valdosta. come visit any time. My Dh was the same away about his motorcycle that your's is about his bike. I had to disable the motorcycle many times. He is not ambulatory now at all, but he tells everyone that he rides his Honda all the time, every day. He does have a hover round. He rode off on it one day and a man called me and said that he had turned over on it in the middle of a busy intersection. Lots of cars serving to miss him. Of course he cannot get up. So several men turned the hover round over and picked him up (all 285 pds) and strapped him on. Then this nice gentle man that called was following him home and wanted to make sure that he was headed in the right direction. This man was an angel in disquise. They will go any way that they can. Send the bike to Goodwill or have them come pick it up. Out of sight, out of mind after a few days. Oh yeah, put your phone numbers in his shoes, under the laces and on the inside of his belt. I also put my number on a label and glued it inside the arm of his glasses. next I am going to tatoo the number and address on his hiney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marty. I am sorry you are dealing with all of that. Yes mine is relationship issues, but dealing with all that you are and your wife would put me under. The stress of dealing with things all my yourself is also very difficult. I am sending you hugs too. Went through the Air thing, roof, a year ago. Not easy to deal with on top of the other stuff.
Shell seeker50 My DH says oh if I had a motorcycle I could go places. Why do they think if they can't drive a car or ride a bike they can go on something else. That is truly scary about the hover round. Hugs to you too.
Mine dies t seem as bad when I hear your stories. Would love to meet you Valdosta is about 2 1/2 hours. I am 1 hour north of Macon.
jackiem29, shellseeker50 and Marty, do I ever know how you feel. DH now thinks nothing is wrong with him and yet I have to watch him like a hawk! Do everything for us, make all decisions and keep smiling or laughing the whole day.
When you have so many other things going wrong at the same time, makes you just want to fall in the floor and have a big 2 year old tantrum!
I'm also from GA. Live about an hour N of Atlanta.
My dh has been a happy camper the last few days, since they revoked his lic. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, something will set him off. He was blaming me for losing his lic., now the Dr. Did it. I am so sorry for what you are going thru Jackiem29. Mine too has threatened divorce, then later tell me how much he loves me and doesn't know what he would do without me. He has also in quite times said he doesn't know why he says and does these things. It is part of the disease, I think.
Marty, things will get better. The saying It's the darkness before the dawn is true. Been there, all of that happened after my first husband died, but it finally got better. Praying for both of you. Bonnie
Marty, Guess in the dark but replacement of AC requiring permit is probably because it is different from what was originally installed. The permit is probably more for installing the slab and not the AC. Just a guess. When we were in a condo we replaced our A/C but because the original unit was not placed according to the site plan we needed to get county permission. Which took just a day. If the original builder was so bad and reality matched the site plan, no govt permission would be needed.
jackiem29, I think I understand the key thing. L must have 3 rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom at all times. Had to have this in all 4 bathrooms at one, now repeating it at ALF. I explained to ALF that although L has 2 full rolls of TP it has to be 3. And don't bother giving her more because as soon as she uses up a single roll she will expect a new one to be delivered to her ASAP.
Paul am replacing. like for like. Palm Beach is a quirky place. I'm amazed they don't require a permit to change a roll of toilet paper. It's all about the 3%,charge - remodeling jobs here can run into the millions and the. Town wants their cut. I'm not the shy retiring type. I called the City Manager, informed his secretary i had an urgent problem and was put right thru. I explained my dilemma and made it perfectly clear that a prolonged wait was unacceptable. i picked up the permit yesterday afternoon. AC & Air handler & slab delivered today, installation tomorrow. Re condo roof - put together some info for the Board on restoration v replacement. obtained ( informally ) 2 bidd for restoration $125k vs $500 for replacement. I was Pres. and VP of the BOD prior to DW's illness, everyone happy to have me do their, work when they're up North. Everyone that is but our manager LOL.
Bonnie shedding toilet paper, and DW's repeated folding of tissues is my constant reminder "One Flew Over the Coocoo's Nest" is my current reality
Mim: You're reading correctly. The roof is for a large condo building ... 100 apts ranging in size from 1300 sq feet to 2400 sq ft. 12 units in length, It's a lot of roof square footage ! the 500K was for complete rip off of existing roof and installation of new vapor barrier, insulation replacing all the flashing, new stack vents hood, etc. the 125K was for a new coating which will last 15 to year and some of the other repairs. As promised the new AC was installed today. Works great! Life is good! To avoid sitting in a hot apartment I took DW on a shopping tour at a local mall, got her new easy to fasten bra's, great sales lady at Macy's (buy one get one free) wandered the mall moving at her 33 1/2 pace occupying the AM. She was on good we had lunch out with no problems, Came back went to beach for a while where exhausted she fell sound asleep fearing too much sun I brought her in and she's now ensconced in her bed 's sound asleep totally exhausted for all the activity. All in all not a bad day (until she awakens and her Sundowning starts.
Thanks for the explanation, Marty - whew! I understand it now. You're a good man to help your wife buy bras - if our situation here at home were reversed, I think D. would call a female relative to go bra hunting for me! Glad your AC was fixed - makes one feel somewhat human again. I wonder how I ever did without it - now I WON'T !! :) So far, D. doesn't seem to have the sundowning as so many here describe it - usually, when it gets dark, he seems anxious to close everything up, hunker down in his recliner, & try to destroy the remote control by constant channel changing!! I think it must make him feel safe, to make sure the doors are locked, shades pulled, etc.
Mim: I describe DW in Sundowning models a road runner on speed. She paces, rummages , taking a Box of tissues and shred them just creating general havoc. One never knows what she's done with all the forks until a/ surprise discovery Luckily most day a pre- emptive dose of Lorazapam or a hit of "organic Marinol takes the edge off without over sedating her. She's never been big on TV, To this day, I've never reliquished the TV remote, it's a guy thing. She was a voracious reader. Now Her attention span rivals that of a humming bird, I tried books on tape, no go, but music from the 60's 80's can on most days be all that is ever needed to relieve the frantic stress and anxiety of Sundowning.
Never thought twice about bra buying.( guys there either fot a lux girlfriend gift buyer or helpless like me. Almost always great sales personnel in that dept. They universally take pity on a guy. I usually offer a $.00 tip requesting HELP! after explaining DWs. circumstances and what she needs to the sales lady, never has anyone accepted , but the gesture is always much appreciated and results in fantastic service. I always make it a point compliment the services rended to the dept. mgr when checking out scores points for the sales person