this has been a real and ongoing problem. My wife used to shower daily as I still do. Then maybe about 6 months ago she stopped doing that. I would start to remind her "Why don't you take a shower, hon?" she might reply "I took one yesterday (not true)', "I'll do it later", "I don't feel like it" ,etc "I also indicated that she was starting to have body odor- and her daughter was visiting and she didn't want to appear unclean". I would just repeat a variation of these requests maybe up to 6 times. Finally, she'd get a bit peeved, but she would shower. She wears the same clothes every day- When she did shower, I'd quickly change her panties for clean ones- she none the wiser. This was for UTI prevention.
Lately it's getting more difficult. I tried the same technique the past 2 days, and she resisted taking a shower. At one point, she said "I don't want to be alone" I tried to follow up on her statement, by offering to shower with her (no!) and having another woman (our PT caregiver) be with her- she said nothing. I don't know whether that comment was meaningful and it was a clue of what was stopping her from showering, that I could act on.
I'm getting to feel defeated in my attempt to preserve her health-and avoiding UTIs. I guess I need to give myself a break and realize that I have no control over this disease. But...any suggestions from our studio audience???
I'd guess every one of us veterans have had the same problem. Bathing - or rather NOT bathing is just one of those things we have dealt with and we all tried all of your tactics. Not changing clothes is another one, and we hid the dirty ones and laid out the clean ones without a word. One man early on bought two or three outfits exactly alike so she wouldn't notice they were different.
Strange as it may seem, when I finally got an aide just to come in and bathe my DH, he became quite compliant. It was worth every cent.
I would imagine it would be more complicated for men, because of the necessity of washing hair. Phranque's wife wanted her hair to be pretty all the time and his daughter would have a terrible time putting the tint on it to cover the grey. I don't know how she did that. I'd certainly suggest a cute short hair style that would dry in place without much effort.
I truly admire you men who are doing such wonderful jobs as caregivers for their wives. When we first came up with the * after the names of the surviving caregivers, we said it represented a 'Star In Your Heavenly Crown". You guys probably deserve two stars.
You might try letting someone else take over the bathing and grooming task, and see if that works.
Bribes and rewards have also worked for different Caregivers. My DH loved to go with the aide and have a coffee and people watch, while he did the grocery shopping. "ONLY CLEAN PEOPLE" ride in the aide's car. A shower every Tuesday so he could go Wednesday like clock work.
I don't know if I can be of any help, but I can tell you my experience with this. When my Dear Helen was in the stage as your wife, She also resisted taking a shower. What worked the best for us was, I would say something like this. "Dear I hate to tell you this but you have body odor and our daughter is coming over tonight. Why don't you take a shower and use some of that nice body spray that you have in the bathroom ? You don't want Wendy to smell you like this."
As she progressed through the later stages and if I did get her into the shower she would not wash herself but instead, she would use the wash cloth and wash the walls of the shower. Then I would reach into the shower and wash her as best as I could while she was washing the walls. Later, we had to give up on the shower because I couldn't get her to step over the little curb into the shower, and I was afraid we would both fall during the struggle.
But about that time we got on Hospice care and they sent a nurses aid to give her a bath once a week. I bought some plastic carpet cover, for her to stand on and I would hold her standing on the plastic while the aid give her a sponge bath. It took the two of us.
At the nursing home where I placed her. Once a week they would place her (nude with a sheet over her) into a special shower wheel chair and take her to a shower room where they would give her a shower while she sat in this chair.
It sounds like you're doing a great job at caregiving , Watchful, Keep up the good work, and be proud of yourself for the way you are handling this difficult task. ..................................................George
My husband was and is still afraid of the water coming from the shower head. Perhaps if you put a shower chair in the shower for her to sit on and have her use a hand held shower spray might help. The aide we have now uses a bucket of water to help DH bathe because he doesn't want the water falling on him. We've used bribes (cookies/chocolate), singing (Richard is a handsome man), insults (you smell) and just about every other tactic you can think of. Some work, most don't and what worked last week probably won't work this week. Good luck...also on the home page of this site are some tips for male caregivers on the left side...that may have some recommendations for you.
When my husband didn't want to shower, I'd ask him if he wanted to smell like an old goat. I would then laugh and so would he. He would get into the shower. Worked like a charm. In the beginning I would get in the shower with him, but he thought it was foreplay. It just became too complicated. So I moved on to the old goat. Humor always worked best with him. If I laughed so did he, even if he didn't get it. Always tried to keep things light. You guys are so admirable. You seem to handle everything right. It's a hard job. Carol
Yes it seems that just about everyone with this disease hates the shower, my guy too who was an every day shower guy and very clean. He was like many said, just scared of the falling water. By the time we got close to him having to leave home, I could not even get him to step over the tub, it was a huge chore to bathe him.
I would always kiss his head and tell him how great he smelled and how handsome he was after showering, I still do.
I found that DW lost the ability I had taken for granted. She didn't have the capability or willingness tp say i don't know how to turn on the water.. She has no resistance to following me into the shower or our showering together. I only realized this one day when she went into the shower after me and yelled too hot.. She didn't know what to do. She had lost the the ability to turn on the water and adjust it to the proper temp. A change from two facets to a single temperature controlled on off facet helped, but then the simple task of turning the water on and off was beyond her. As long as I have the water running she'll go in with no resistance. We're fortunate having a tub shower in the master bedroom and walkin in the guest. The tub shower even with safety handles is just too daunting for her.
watchful7, I'm still dealing with the same issue. I've given up on getting my wife to shower more than once a week. I either go into the shower with her or stand just outside after first regulating the water pressure and then keep opening the shower door to place shampoo on her head, body soap on her washcloth, etc. and tell her what to do. In addition to that, I insist she wash herself around at least once between showers and stand next to her in the bathroom while she does that. She's in Depends now 24/7, so I keep reminding her that she must wash herself "downstairs" each day or she will smell. Of course, she never does. Each evening when she takes off her clothes to put on a nightgown or pjs, I must smell the crotch of her pants and half the time I have to immediately throw them into the washing machine. (I don't even use a hamper anymore for 'dirty clothing' ... it goes right into the washing machine because I now put in a wash every 3-4 days!) Same with her nightgown or pjs each morning ... one whiff tells me if she soaked through her Depends during the night and, if so, I need to throw that item into the washing machine. But I've given up on her showering more than once a week. It's just not worth the arguing and screaming.
Here's how self wound some people are. They forget completely that they never grew up with a shower. They grew up with a bath. Like my friend who likes to defend traditional marriage forgetting that women were property without any rights until just recently, people wrap themselves in the idea that whatever they're doing now - that's normal.
Well I was born in 1950 which makes me one of the younger ones here and I didn't grow up with a shower either and nobody bathed every day either even if they had a labor job where they sweat all day long.
I say that in case anyone feels badly inside that they don't shower their mate regularly. Showering regularly is new and it is not normal yet being in just the third 'generation' of existence (dated from about 1960 where showers became regular features while ensuite bathrooms not yet).
In the last dozen times of showering my wife, I had to force her into the little glass cage which was obviously some kind of torture chamber. She went in like a lion and came out like a lamb because it didn't take long with the water running down her to turn and get some on her face and have her body memory take over.
Here's the much disputed male/female thing in action. I'm a full foot taller than my wife and outweigh her by 80 pounds and am a dominant male (that needs explanation - men who dominate women are garbage) so she ended up in that shower but if the 80 pounds and the strength went the other way she would have stopped being in the shower at least a year earlier.
Now if this was the 18th century, nobody would be bathing even semi regularly and certainly nobody would be swimming because it was known that doing those things was bad for you.
Decades ago when I worked on a maternity floor sitz baths were often prescribed. I believe you can buy one that fits on the toilet. That might be helpful for perineal cleansing between bathing, especially for females. Not sure how cooperative someone would be about sitting down in a basin of warm water, but it is a thought.
Good post, Wolf. We went through a long period of time when he didn't want to shower. I didn't force him - couldn't. He's 6'2" 200 lb; I'm 5'3", 100 lbs. Then all of a sudden it changed and now for the past almost a year, he will shower whenever I tell him it's shower day. And it isn't every day either; maybe 3 times a week. I still have to help him in the shower, soap his back and he does the rest. Shampooing his hair is the hardest, but he will do it most of the time. No, they don't need a shower everyday and that's fine with me.
I'm with you on this Wolf. I was also born in the 1950's, and we lived in a rural setting with well and cistern water. No one took a shower - and generally we bathed once a week (Saturday night) so that we were clean for Sunday. Our bath water was no more than 4 inches deep (even for adults) because we couldn't "waste" water. Yet we were clean, healthy and didn't smell. My DH very rarely showers now (less often than once a week) but he does sometimes bathe in between, and he will also occasionally go swimming. He has started to become incontinent (urinary) and has started to wear disposable underwear. He doesn't have BO and appears to be relatively healthy physically. He also rarely goes anywhere, so I don't see any reason to force the issue of showering more often than he does, even though I could since I am stronger and outweigh him by several pounds :-)
I'm older that bqd & Wolf & I know we sure didn't bathe every day (and it WAS bathe, no showers). Saturday night was the big night! My husband is 7 years older than me & his family was kind of poor & he has told me many times in the past that they still used the galvanized tub brought into the kitchen (at least for the kids, there were 5 of them). I hope he doesn't start looking for a galvanized tub so he can have a bath in the kitchen!!! :) My son marked "shower day" on the calendar for D. - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Once a week, though, is a must.
Watchful7, I went though a short time with my wife having the same problem. I got her all new clothes in her favorite color (in Kathryn's case, pink) and would put out her clean clothes and let her see them and then say lets get your shower and you can put on these nice new clothes. It worked for Kathryn and may be worth a try for you too. I also played 50s music because it always put her in a good mode and she would do almost anything I asked when she was hearing her music.
Jim I agree music is grossly underutilized treatment modality . It is totally mood altering, distracts DW from what ever is agitating her. For a few $'s a mo. I've accessed satellite to my computer and can get what ever genre makes her happy at the moment
We only had a shower but had a galvanized tub that just fit in the shower stall. Fortunately we had a good well, so water was not a premium. I think we took more 'showers' outside with the hose than inside, especially during the summer. Once we got to 6th grade there were showers after gym class so no need for them at home most of the time.
My husband is on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule but often he gets up, looks at the day on his phone, says it is shower day and gets dressed. He doesn't have body odor but his hair gets that oily 'man' stink. Hate that smell.