My 64 yr old wife's dependence on me, constant repetition, lack of interest, are breaking me down. I'm a very youngish 65, and feel married to a woman who is less a wife and more a patient every day. We have great support group of friends, relatives, and children. Golf, tennis and the gym are my primary outlets, but frankly it would be great to meet a woman in a similar situation. This is not about sex (although its a part of it), its about relating to a woman about plays, movies, books, the Sunday Times... I see a therapist and have attended some support groups, but most participants my age are dealing with their parents. The only spouses in attendance were at least 10-15 years older. Just can't deal with the profound loneliness and isolation. Sometimes I feel like dead man walking.
Joisey. Boy can I relate. That is one reason I have decided to try to,go back to work once he is placed just so I can interact with some new people. I am a youngish 66 and I have had many people ask if he is my father if you can believe that. I agree that finding someone in a support group is a good idea. You will have much in common.
Can't believe response. Never on any kind of Message Board before. I will follow suggestions although I've tried to find a younger group. May have to go to NYC, but its tough finding time. My wife still functions fine "in the moment", dresses and cares for herself, but is no longer driving (still fighting me on that), and can't manage a calendar. Yesterday, she thought it was October. She also asked me if I was at work yesterday, when I retired 2 years ago. I'm now a personal trainer, but she was referring to the business I retired from. I'm always angry, frustrated, and hopeless. This is not the guy I was, or even someone I like. Most of the message boards I've read reinforce my negative feelings. I'm also concerned that if I start directing a conversation in a certain direction, I'll come off as a horny, married guy. I'm not single, but I don't feel married either.
welcome joisey guy. you are not alone in your feelings of lonliness, both women and men have these common denominators while caregiving for our AD spouses. I have brought up a recent topic on dating. its called early onset, moving on. there are comments from others who are in the same boat. divvi
ps for any topic you want do a search at the top and type in words that are of importance, many topics will pop up. or just go thru the back pages on blogs -
Welcome Joisey guy. Lots of us here struggle with the same feelings. I am 60, my husband 63. He sounds like he is about the same as your wife - able to manage dressing and caring for himself, is not allowed to drive, and NEVER knows what day it is. lol I work very hard at being grateful that he is as highly functioning as he is and I try to just love him and enjoy our remaining time together. But in my low times I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare. He asks about 20 times a day "what day is it?" He repeats himself over and over. Would sleep all day if I let him. I am afraid that by the time this is over there will be nothing left of me.
I think you will be glad you found this site. There is such acceptance and empathy here.
Joisey guy & ring - sounds like our spouses are at the same stage.
I think of this stage as the" in limbo" stage. In the beginning you were still able to work and do most of the same stuff that you did before they go sick and at the end when they go into care you get to work at getting your life back.
In this stage, where you can't go to work or leave them alone and basically have a toddler around that gets into everything and chatters all day about nothing. Hey I'm 55 and I have a lot of years to live before me and Joisey guy we don't think of you as a horny, married guy. Just another poor bugger that this disease has invaded our lives and turned everything upside down and we are now trying to survive it.
Josey guy, I too am in a similar situation. My DW is 63 I am 62. I long for the companionship of a female, I think. I don't know anymore, it has been so long. I have been caring for DW for close to 4 years now and will continue to do so, as long as I am physically able. I feel dead inside. It would be nice to talk to an understanding female. I love and care for my DW but feel I am wasting away, alone. DW is totally dependent on me, very much stress and I can see no end to it. I just keep telling myself, this is not really her and I miss her. I know I am not help to you, just letting you know you are not alone in this feeling.
I am glad that you've found this supportive website. Many of us are struggling with loneness and lack of companionship. For me, this is one of the most (if not the greatest struggles) I deal with.
In the beginning of my marriage it was a good (however very brief)... with lots of traveling and socializing. We shared many common interests- hiking, biking, and exploring the great outdoors, but then dementia set in. He became withdrawn. My husband then became my roommate. My "roommate" then became a cranky negative old uncle...now I am a mother to a young child. As the stages of this disease progress, so do our roles in the relationship.
Joiseyguy, I encourage you to come here often for questions, support, empathy. You will find that we will never judge you.
Joisey guy and ronnyd: You have definitely come to the right place. As Amber said, this really is the "limbo" stage for so many of us. My DH is 63, I'm 62. I worked until almost a year ago when I lost my job and realized at the same time that my DH needed more monitoring. My DH was a workaholic and at many times I felt we were leading parallel lives. I had hoped when our kids were grown (they are now) that we would have more together time. Well, we sure do now, but not the type of time I had wanted. He's very needy, very repetitive and his world revolves around when are we eating, walking and sleeping. He is still high functioning in terms of bathing, dressing, eating, etc. We can still get out to restaurants and movies, but he gets antsy after a while and needs to be home again.
The loneliness really is difficult and we all share in your feelings. The lack of intimacy, both emotional and physical, is tough. We all understand, we really do. Hang in there -- we're here for you.
Joisey Guy Welcome to club none of us want to belong to. Living with AD mate is comparable to working through the classic stages of mourning. Your feelings of isolation, loneliness, and anger are typical as stated by all the prior posters, I felt much the same 7 years ago when this journey began. I too have a great support network of friend and family, yet there remained much emptiness frustration and difficulty coping with my life. My DW is totally dependent, I have to dress her, cut her food, remind her to chew it, everything ! and then some. Without meds she'd spend her days in bed staring at a mirror and afternoons and evenings pacing incessantly. Verbal comprehension both receptive and expressive are just a memory. Lonely with a friends would be an understatement if I were to describe myself At some point several years ago I commenced a friendship with a late friend's wife. Two lonely souls who managed to fill many of the voids in each other's lives. This did not impact my caring for, or love for my DW. What it did do was enable me to cope with all of the anger and despair I felt - acceptance made me a better caregiver
Ditto for me, I agree with all of you! I'm 67 my DH 74. It feels like he is 94. I feel my life is slipping away. My day like yours consists os telling him what day it is ten times an hour. There is no relavent conversation, just what day is it? When I am around anyone I hog the conversation, I am so hungry to actually talk to people, man or woman. I do miss the romance, but what I really miss is someone to confide in, and sone one to lean on. I'm tired of looking at ths dam iPad for answers. No offense to all of you lovely people in this same boat.
They say misery loves company, but I doubt any of us want to be in this "company". While there are lots of us around the country, there may not be many, or any, in our areas. Accordingly, finding contemporaries locally can be challenging. For me, it's been impossible. Certainly not in the support groups I've tried. I agree with Ky caregiver that answers on the IPad are not the answer. I've had friends who have lost spouses to disease and accidents. I have friends whose spouses are terminally ill. But they are getting on with their lives, or see an "end game" down the road. For many of us, there is no end game. We're in a kind of purgatory. Some people say that eventually she'll get worse and ill be able to move on. Why is that not reassuring?
Why is that not reassuring? Because we do not know how long that will be. It could be a month, year, 5 years, 10 years - who knows. My FIL went on almost 25 years. I dread my husband, who is not 5 1/2 years, going on for another 10 or 20 years. I will be dead by then. I am only 60 and do not want this to be my end years.
Yes, the loneliness. We were driving home this morning from the store and something I had heard came to mind. I wanted to share like we would in the past, but did not cause it would 'go in one ear, out the other'. There would be no conversation regarding it. That is all our lives here - one sided. Here and our group on Facebook are my support, my conversations. I have a couple ladies I have met on Facebook and we have a friendship. One is good as she is very ill from undiagnosed Lyme disease. She gets a lot of this life. the other does not but she helps me escape the AD world.
Every single time I think about this going on for years on end all I want to do is curl up somewhere and die!!! I do cry whenever I think about it. I am 56 and the thought of never having a life again makes my skin crawl! You are not alone so keep coming here to express your feelings anytime you want!
"Why is that not reassuring?" Was a rhetorical question. Obviously, we all know the answer. Somehow we have to find positive things that we can hang on to. For me it's activities like tennis ,golf and the gym. Family and friends help a lot. I've also planned two trips, which wife will enjoy, although she won't remember details of where she went. People say to live for the day, and not to focus on the next 20 years. Easy to say, hard to do. Wish we could all get together for one big orgy! We'd all still have the same stuff to come home to, but as they say,"forget your troubles, c'mon get happy". That would be a hell of a start. Hope that brings a smile to at least someone's face. Time for Tennis. Have a good day.
im a 60 yr old spouse of a 60 yr old Alzheimer patient I know the how lonely we as partners of alzheimers can get we have been married for 41 yrs and I feel pretty much caregiver to a child and hes still pretty much here he dosent talk a lot hes had 2 TIAs in the last couple of years wont walk for exercise with diabetes breathing down his neck I cant make him understand that walking and not eating that I feel as if ive swapped my life for an 80 yr old I worked until a year ago when he talked me into moving to florida it was after his mini strokes and I was starting to hear from drs he cant be left alone while you work speech he was doing so odd stuff but I don't feel he needs me here all the time yet he has had this for 5 yrs diagnosed I would say lots longer and he is considered midstage but he does care for himself at this point grocery shopping is a nightmare I like to get in and out and it takes him forever to decide which item he wants I usually shop ahead of him and he gets upset with that but I would be there all day neither of our kids help or are in position to and our families seemed to have forgotten about us if I email them I don't get any replies so the only people I can relate to are people on the alzheimers sites and the ones that are taking care of parents on another site I feel no connection to so there you go you are definatly not alone in this
Joisey guy -"Wish we could all get together for one big orgy!"
That brought a smile to my face but for a different reason. I could see us all getting together and it would be "OMG some time to myself" or" I'm so tired just let me rest for a while" or "someone to talk to" or "and how do you do this again!"
I just signed up for a course at Home Depot! I'm trainable and motivated. Now, if I also have to learn how to make a fire with a flint and some leaves, I'm in trouble.
No joisey guy...I may heat the cabin by wood heat but even out here in the Canadian wilderness I still have a dishwasher, hot tub, ATV, kayaks....Not getting that rustic.
Ronny and Ann - glad you got a chuckle and I would love for all of us to be able to get together. What a party we would have!!!