Over the years I have been reading the posts by those of you who have had to place your LO in a long-term care facility. I am now joining the group. It is probably not as hard for me as for some of you. In March, because of problems with the management of the retirement Inn we live in, I put our names in another facility which has a memory unit. Last month I was notified that a room for my wife and an apartment for me had opened up. This seemed like a message that I couldn't refuse, so we are moving on Aug.16. My apartment is the closest to Assisted Living and above the memory unit, so I will be able to spend plenty of time with my wife. She still knows me, but there is no communication and she is getting harder for me to take care of. Other than giving me more free time, the main advantage to this is that now I don't have to worry about who will take care of her if I have a heart attack or get in an automobile accident. The major down-side is that it will now be an hours drive to visit with my kids when they come to Maine in the summer, rather than the 25 minutes I have now. However, it is in Bar Harbor, Maine and next to Acadia National Park. So if any of you are visiting in this area, give me a call.
Yes Marsh, sounds like you found a good compromise. And to still be in a beautiful area of Maine is another plus. You will be close enough to spend all the time you want with her, but still be able to get the rest you need and know someone else is doing all the hard work.
Of course, as others have posted, being their advocate can be hard work too.
It does sound like as perfect an arrangement as you could have under the circumstances. I hope your wife transitions smoothly.
Sorry your drive to Bar Harbor will be longer, but with the beauty of that area at the end of the drive, it will be worth the trip :) We spent a day there on a cruise stop years ago and I fell in love. It was lovely along the cliffs with the air smelling of sea and pines all at once. I've always wanted to go back and spend a week...maybe someday :)
Marsh, it is always difficult to place someone you love, but the arrangement seems better than most and probably the best it can be given the circumstances. I have deep roots in mid-Maine (mother's family) but have always loved the beautiful coastline. Wishing a peaceful transition for you both.
I know this will give you great peace of mind Marsh. Maybe the kids can come pick you up so you wont have to drive the extra mileage? I am glad you will be able to spend as much time with your DW as you wish, being so close will make the transition easier on both of you. I will be keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers ((Marsh))
Marsh this just sounds perfect, I am very happy for the both of you. You will find it is just great to get some sleep, and a break from all the caregiving. And what a bonus to be right there! Very happy for you.
I was curious (what's new) and found Birch Bay on the Internet.. Is that your new home. I hope so with the amazing views of the water and boats. Your former hobby! I am so envious of you and Briegull ... Maine is absolutely beautiful and there is something about the pace of the people there. Perhaps all of us should move DOWN to Maine. (Never understood why Maine was down when it's actually UP on the US map.)
Marsh, we go way back to the earliest days on this site - 2008?.. and I feel as if I know you ... For what it's worth, you are doing the best thing you could possibly do for yourself and your precious wife. IF your place is Birch Bay, maybe you can travel back to your old home in that horse drawn buggy. (See photos on their site).
Good luck with your plans, Marsh. You have and are such an inspiration to so many of us here and we miss hearing more from you.
I am starting to feel the pangs of the possibility of the placement issues too. Last Sunday, DH fell in the kitchen. I was not there when he went down but from what I gather he did not hit his head and felt he was losing his balance and more or less lowered himself down. He has a bit of a sore hip but nothing serious. We see the neuro on the 20th and I'll mention this incident and go from there. I am having to do more and more for him too..he eats on his own and will shower on his own but I am near by to help, and he dresses himself too..walking is iffy. So what to do..what to do...
I just wonder when or how you know it is "time"...I still resist the notion..How did you build up to it?
Mimi, my "line in the sand" ended up being not so much the fear of violence or incontinence (of which I was spared) but it was when i couldnt do anything to make him feel comfortable in our home any more. No matter what I tried, he was antsy, angry with me, and wanted to leave. He was a flight risk the last couple of years and resented my being in charge. He also was sundowning from about 3p onward and downright cranky for several months. As time progressed, he started spending more and more time in his room. He got too agitated being in our living room and didn't want either his caregiver or me around. We had to give him behavioral meds and that was always changing, leaving me with the responsibility of making those decisions about what to give him and in what dosage. When I realized that I was not comfortable leaving him with the caregiver or his daughter anymore and, in fact, i felt nervous being alone with him, it was time for the experts to take over.
P.S. Since he has been in the ALF, he has rarely needed anti anxiety meds, a sure sign this was a better environment for him. He is there a little more than 2 months now and is doing very well. It's a blessing, that is for sure!
Sending my support to you as you deal with this issue.
Fiona68 I have also noticed that Dado needs much less anti anxiety meds since he is in the care home . In fact he takes half the amount of seroquel I was giving him . Having a stable schedule and caring people attending to his every need is so wonderful.
Yes, it is SO HARD to make the decision to place, and to go through the transition. Marsh I too am lucky, though he is not in the same home as me, he is less than one mile away. And he knows, I know, he knows, that I am there for him and still totally watching out for him. Now, I have to deal with my own hurts and sadness, I have done all I can for him.
The line in the sand was so marked for us, there was NO WAY he could stay home anymore. Mimi, the falling was one of the first terrible things that happened, and I feel bad for both of you. Hard though yes, as your guy can still take care of himself in many ways. I do think, you will know, and you may NOT be prepared, but I think you will know. Lots of love to you.
I cannot tell you how many times my DH fell. I was able to prevent most falls in the daytime, but not when he'd try to get up on his own at night and many falls were in the bathroom. Before I began calling the guys at 911, there was one night that I gave up trying to get him up, and so I made a soft pallet on the bathroom floor and together we slept there. He had no concept of raising up on your knees, pull up on the side of the bathtub, etc. The next morning, he got up on his own, as easy as can be. Go figure!!
The 911 guys must have come to the house ten or twelve times the last few months. We lived in a gated community, and I gave them the gate code and they'd come in without lights or sirens, so as not to disturb the neighbors. I thanked them, and sometimes they would accept a Coke or Dr. Pepper. Never a single charge.
Those who seem to have less anxiety - wonder if some of that agitation and/or anxiety was due to how they felt about the stress their care was putting on you? Now that they know you are safe from the demanding physical care, they can relax.
I have been to the facilities here and there are only two that I know of now that will give insulin and check glucose. The other places are all no poke. Seems like for all of us there are always complications of one sort or another.
Well, the move is completed. My wife seems to have settled in, but is sleeping most of the time. I'm not sure she knows me when I visit, several times a day. I have met a few people here, but it will take time. Also, there is a monthly caregivers support group that meets once a month (today was the August meeting) in the den across the hall from my apartment, so I don't have far to go. Also, Bar Harbor Rotary (I am a member of the Ellsworth club) meets here in the Inn I have moved into every Wednesday, so I went this noon. The food is better and it saves a 1/2 hour drive, so I'll probably switch clubs to this one. I'm still trying to adjust to being alone, particularly at night, but I guess it takes time. My biggest problem now is compressing a 2 bedroom apartment worth of stuff into a small one bedroom.
My DH spent a lot of time the first few weeks in bed. Not sure if he was sleeping all that time or if it was just a safe place for him in this new unfamiliar place.