This is hard to ask, but has anyone else had a spouse (beginning of dementia) that has always had a difficult attitude. Our relationship has been less than optimal for many years. Now, I know I will have to care for a man that has hurt me (mentally/emotionally). I am living with a lot of internal conflict.
Hello susan - Sorry you have to be here. Hubby and I had just grown apart over the years working and raising a family. No abuse till this disease started so I can kind of understand what you are writing about. There a lot of threads that address this subject that will help you make whatever decision is right for you. Some people stay the whole way, others till placement and other leave right in the beginning and divorce. This is such a personal decision and no judgement here on whatever you decide.
OK I do have to add that with him being mentally and emotionally abusive and now getting dementia....isn't Karma a b*tch.
One thing I have just recently learned from another site (I'm guessing you are in the states) is if you turn over your assets 5 years before he is placed then you won't loose them to the cost of care. Medicaid goes back only 5 years into your finances. By turning them over, transfer them into your kids or someone you really trust name you can still have money to live on for the rest of your life. I know it is more complicated than this.
I don't know how old you are, the age of your husband, the stage of his disease or other medical problems he has, if you have children or stepchildren, and other details that might affect your decision. You might find it helpful if you spoke to a professional(s) about it. I'd start with his/your family doctor, and I'd go to a counsellor, too, for my own sake. The more knowledge you have, the better. As Amber says, we've had combinations and with varying results, and it is ultimately your decision. Best of luck.
Susan - there are many here that had difficult and painful marriages. Mine was not good and I resent so much having to be stuck with him. Others that also had bad or painful marriages will be here soon.
You will need to consult an attorney. My understanding is if no official diagnosis is made, you may be able to leave more easily. If there has been an official diagnosis then it is harder, but an attorney can advise you on the laws of your state (if you are in the US) or country.
There are many threads where we have talked about how hard it is to stay with a spouse when you don't have a strong, loving relationship to sustain the caregiving.
Susan, I totally have the same type of marriage that you have had and when Charlotte said that her marriage was not good and she resents so much having to be stuck with him she took the words right out of my mouth!!! I feel bad about it when I hear other people that so lovingly take care of their's until they die and then mourn for a long time after. I wish my marriage would have been strong enough to get me through this but it isn't and there isn't anything we can do about it now. All I can say is {{{hugs and thoughts}}} to you!!!
My DH has decided that he wants to move to a LTC. He,at first, told me that he was not able to take my being his"boss". Then he said it was either that or a legal separation. Now he says he is going for me as he is concerned that I am going to get sick with the stress and all. I just don't know what the truth is now. He is in a different place now and quickly forgets what he was angry about as his memory Is slowly deteriorating. He stays very close to me now and accepts what ever I say that he must do. I have to keep him busy so now he does the dishes and vacuums. He is always trying to find a job to do as he can't sit still. I know he is doing the right thing for both if us but I find it very hard to accept this new life we have. If he was still the mean nasty guy I had here last year, I guess it would be easier to accept. He was just terrible at that time but now he is so different. We had our difficult times in our marriage but it was always good so I guess is what we have to live with I wish all of you only the best. Just don't let yourselves get sick, take good care of yourselves and look for something good for you!! I don't even know where to start looking for me, but lets try.
Oh, Amber, I would never consider your husband's Alzheimer's to be his karma. After all, you will be the one on the rough end of this relationship now.
From Jazzy: " I just don't know what the truth is now."
The truth, in my situation with my husband's FTD is something I thought about so, so much.
I would spin off, in my head, in all directions, "absolute truth", etc. In the earlier years, my H had so many issues with judgment and impulsiveness. This, of course, only got more extreme. He was always more impulsive than I, but I know that I am usually a cautious person and I don't really mean to talk about personality types here.
His impulsiveness extinguished his consistency. It extinguished his trustworthiness. It was like he was on his road, his path, his plans for his career, his future and his life and that road took a sharp turn and never got back. I have come to accept that it was the disease, it wasn't him (usually). This is because I sometimes, and for long periods of time, thought "he is really playing me". So, I guess I still sometimes question what was the truth?
FTD is so incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around. My marriage sounds so very similar to yours ( many areas which in previous posts you have described). He was so well functioning in an upper level management position with many legal responsibilities, and covered his deficits well. It wasn't until shortly after he took an earlier retirement that I became aware of his questionable decision making and impulsive behavior. Our marriage then took to the slippery slopes. As the years progressed he became nastier .....more distant....more withdrawn...more verbal abusive to me...I knew that he had psychological problems.
As the years progressed so did the FTD disease. Checking and savings accounts had unexplained withdrawals....he would leave the house mid morning not returning until late afternoon with no explanation....he continued to have daily $100.00 withdrawals. He was into internet porno...and then I discovered he was almost daily seeing "escorts". His cell phones numbers...numerous numbers were unknown to me...after "googling" them I discovered there were internet escorts.
Yes, I am still his wife...I am still his caretaker...why? I question and self-exam myself daily on this. He has a disease. Yes, my pain is still there, but hopefully I will be there too.
Susan: The role of caregiver for a spouse with dementia is one of the most demanding chores, both physically and emotionally one could ever assume. My DW and I have been best friends since we were 14 &16, we married at 17 &19 53 years ago . For me caregiving for DW is a labor of love. You are talking about embarking on a long and thankless journey, One requiring your devotion, every bit of energy self sacrifice, patienience and endurance you possess. Are you prepared to be isolated from your friends, not because some may abandon you, and a few will, but because you're so tired, it's easier to stay home than have an aide take over. Think of verbal, possibly physical abuse, changing wet beds, mopping floors, changing diapers etc. Your husband's well being could be, some days, at the at expense of your own. if you have questions about your willingness to assume this role and I assume you have options in mind by your question, I'd explore them ASAP. What conflict you're feeling now will be amplified 1000 fold when your husband's symptoms become more and more difficult to cope wth
Susan, I totally agree with everything Marty said above. I, too, knew my husband since we were teenagers. We had a good 52 year marriage, but the last nine of them were extremely hard handling his total care. I can't imagine doing all that for someone I did not deeply love. I know many on here do continue to care for spouses from rocky relationships and I admire them. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Susan, I told you about our similarities in our marriages and I agree with Marty in that you need to explore every avenue ASAP because it is not going to get any better it is only going to get worse. I have checked about getting outside help and "so far" haven't been able to get it but as far as the marriage is concerned I have a very strong moral ethic that keeps me in this marriage no matter what! Even if it kills me and it might just... I don't know, we all have to live with our decisions and no one can tell us what our decisions are or should be. The thing I do know is that everyone on this site will support you in whatever it ends up being because we are the only ones that know how difficult this situation REALLY is.
My husband and I have been married 30+ years. There were some really good times and we laughed a lot. But there were also lots of very rough patches. He put me down in front of the kids, was prone to rages, mood swings and regular suicide threats. I thought of leaving him at different times during the years but didn't want our sons to be from a "broken" home and also felt very strongly that I had made a promise and intended to keep it. When the last boy finished high school a couple of years ago, an opportunity arose to make a clean break and I even consulted a lawyer. I did decide however to stay and honour my vows.
Now this.
I do have to admit I was furious when we got the diagnosis. I remember raging at God thinking: "Really?!!! I took the high road and this is what I get?" My feeling was that DH just hadn't been a good enough husband over the years to warrant the kind of challenges that would be coming our way. And basically as selfish as this may sound, even though I was devastated for him that he had to go through this terrible disease, and I wouldn't want to trade with him, I really felt like I was getting the worst of it since I would be the one taking care of him.
So, Susan I really understand what you are going through as do lots of others here. I will tell you that for me, I have come to a place of acceptance and usually I am not so angry any more. And lots of times we still laugh and I feel love and compassion for him. I pray that you find peace whether you decide to leave or not. It's not an easy decision.
ring and others: one of the best things about this site is the honesty. I, too, have spent time (that could have been better spent) raging against this whole mess. It seems that whatever is thrown my way is followed by more of the same. As if someone is saying, "Well, you handled THAT, let's see what you do with THIS challenge." Perhaps we should start a thread (or maybe there is one) to the effect of: What I went through to find acceptance, or get over the anger, or how I managed to not just call it quits (emotionally and physically). And, no, I haven't totally crossed the river of acceptance yet; the undertow is still pulling. That said, knowing (from this site) that other have made it through to the other side is one of the reasons I keep dog paddling and hoping.
My wife and I were two professionals. Our jobs were everything. Our marriage was honestly based more on "parallel play" than on mutual sacrifice. She was never as loving as I would have liked. Commonly we were more like room mates than spouses, but . . . watcha gonna do . . . . ?
HOWEVER: But it must be remembered that dementia also changes personalities. As she got more into her disease she became more needy and more receptive to care. I suspect I hugged her (or she allowed me to hug and love her?) more in last 4 years than in the first twenty.
It turned out to be a good thing as it has left me with the happy memories I have needed.
AD changes everything! Sometimes they become more nasty, but sometimes they can become nicer . . . . Jim
Glad that you have those "happy memories" to reflect on. Cling to them as you have entered ---stage 8---death of the spouse (the very final stage) of alzheimers disease. This unnamed stage, is another stage...a stage of more grieving which we, the survivor, endure.
Yes, AD changes relationships. I wager most of us who have had "broken" marriages were the result undiagnosed dementia. This being said, the marriage was good until dementia reared its ugly head.
AD ruins everything! Relationships, marriages, health, happiness and finances.
My situation is somewhat different than most here because my husband has more Parkinson's related physical problems than dementia--definite executive function deficits but only minor memory loss and neediness. We definitely had a parallel play marriage; we were good partners raising our children but not very close. We were older when we married and he was never willing to adjust his life to connect more with me. I resent particularly the things I didn't get to experience because he wasn't interested.
I have been able to use the distance in setting up how I care for him. We renovated a house with a walk-out lower level we made wheelchair ready, and that is his space. He has a bedroom, a sitting room, a partial kitchen, and a bathroom. My bedroom is on the main level, and his chaos is not allowed on my level. An aide/cleaning person comes 2 half days a week to clean up after him and our son is around to drive him where he needs to go and deal with a lot of the small requests for help. I work, I cook dinner for all of us, I manage every bit of the business of running a household, I help him with some of the bigger messes (bowel incontinence is an occasional issue). It saves my sanity to have such separate lives.
I have cultivated lesbian and single friends because they understand not having a spouse's help. Two of them took me to the hospital when I had surgery for a melanoma last spring. The therapist told me that my husband was much more upset a couple of months later when he had to move his wine collection temporarily than he was when I had surgery.
Susan, it is difficult. I had begun to realize about 25 years into our marriage that I was completely controlled. Apparently, I was a tad slow. In the early stages, I wanted to talk and try to resolve some of the issues. Of course, that was a ridiculous time to start and I finally realized that. I often felt that he had controlled me throughout our marriage and now, through no fault of his own, the disease now was completely controlling me. It was difficult. I would guess that people who had the soul mate kind of marriage suffer in different ways than those of us who had a different type. We had been married for 46 years when Gord passed away.