The saying for marriage vows is "...in sickness and in health....". If one has a spouse with AD, it's not just a sickness...it's a mortal sickness- they'll NEVER recover. But meanwhile, the caregiver is socially isolated at least from the standpoint of the opposite sex. That doesn't seem right either. but most women will not start a relationship wit someone still married regardless. If my wife, does go to a care facility, and I visit her every day, what difference would it make if I was divorced or not. I probably wouldn't tell her. There are legal issues which i'm not versed on, but really the only one that's getting "hurt" by not getting divorced, would be me. What do you think ????
It's not what "we" think, but it's what "you" think. You are the one who is accountable for your actions. If you have done your soul searching and feel comfortable and aren't hurting anyone (including yourself) and have self-examined, then you can truthfully make an intelligent decision.
Whatever your choice is...it's yours. I wish you well. This a difficult emotional battle which we live, struggle, and suffer daily. May you find happiness with whatever your decision is.
Watchful7, lulliebird is right, we can't judge what you think is best for you. I know how you feel though! Just because I won't do it doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it a time or two. This is a difficult emotional battle! I cried about it again today. I get so tired of crying and getting angry it seems that is all I do but...like I said I don't think any of us would judge you in any decision that you make. Just know that I understand your point of view!(and I am a woman) :)
watchful...hubby is 78 and I am 55 do you think I am just going to sit on the side lines and watch life past me by....NO!!! I am finding of late that this group is leaning to one side. They really love and have a strong bound with their love ones and God love them and I wish we all had that and you are so lucky but for the rest of us that don't, due to abuse or nastiness or just growing apart. I feel we are not always comfortable posting how we are feeling....sorry just what I am reading and been here along time and see how things swing. No fault of anyone it is it how it is.
My marriage vows said in sickness and in health....but with sickness it doesn't mean I have to do all the hands on care....I can let other people do it and still be his best advocate. I can't see me divorcing him but in this day of living together what does it matter? I'll be there till the end and I will probable have my back up partner. What I hope for you is that you find someone that can understand and back you up what ever your decision is.
Watchful, lullie is right...it doesn't matter what we think, it's what you think is best for you.
Amber, what I've always liked about this site is that there is spirited debate on some of the most sensitive issues, dating being one of them. When I first joined here in 2008 there were several members contemplating divorcing their spouse; I was one of them. My husband had just been dx'd and the future looked bleak - literally I was afraid I was going to be poverty stricken due to the costs associated with caring for my spouse. I did not choose to divorce but others did because it was best for them. I think that may be one of the reasons that perhaps it seems like the contributors here may lean to one side...the others who chose divorce no longer contribute, they've moved on.
Watchful, make sure you see a family law attorney and an eldercare attorney to help you understand your rights and the consequences of divorce. We live in a community property state which means all our assets (even those that were separate) would be combined and divided in 2. Also, the courts would appoint an attorney to represent my husband in the proceedings. The reason I wanted to divorce was for financial reasons, but because I still loved my husband and wanted to care for him, I was advised by the family law and eldercare attorney that more than likely Medicaid (should he qualify) would consider the divorce a way to avoid paying his LTC expenses and they would legally come after me for any costs they incurred.
I'll try to find the previous blogs on divorce so you can read the discussions.