We have this ho'o'pono'pono thing in Hawaii. For any Hawaiians reading, please excuse me if I explain it wrong.
Like most cultures, it is a way of getting together, and making things right. I of course do not know the deeper way it is done, the pule (prayer), and all, but it is basically people getting together in a group to set things right again.
I know how much this site means to me, more that almost anything , ever. And I hope no one minds, that it is so important to me to post this. Reading comments where there is a bit too much friction, and especially for the long term members and ones that have lost, or are quickly losing, their spouse, my heart aches to think that ANYONE would ever feel too hurt to post. Also for us MEMBERS , that are in new relationships, if some disagree, I know, we still love each other. Of course, there should be no pressure there, to post, but I want to say that each and every one of you is so important. I have never known a place where one can go and just say ANYTHING in their distress and not get judged.
If there is anyone I have ever riled up or hurt, I sincerely apologize. I may or may have not done this, but feel the need to say it. You all ROCK, you truly do. Don't forget that.
You are so sweet Coco. The biggest thing I loved about this place when I started reading was the ability to post what we felt and thought and no one judged. That is why I joined. We are all in the same boat in a way, but so different in another. What works for one may not work for another. If I have ever hurt someone's feelings, I am so sorry. You all are so dear to me, never would want to hurt anyone here.
Gosh Coco, I wish I could just jump through this computer screen and give you a huge, warm hug. You are truly something. Love you...and yes, forgiveness, is the key to life. What a treasure you are...thanks for being You. Love, Leigh*
I hope you know what highest, not just high, regard I have for you.
Over the last few weeks I have become more reluctant to post. On one topic about the faces of dementia; I was ready to post and before I did I realized the OP wanted and received gentle reassurance. My response was going to be more bare bones and I am glad I didn't post. But, this causes me to question my discretion and judgment.
I have felt hurt a few times. A couple of these were when I responded to someone- sharing either stuff I had learned or significant history and got nothing in return. Before here, before the reasons for being here, I spent a lot of time on a forum where it was expected that the original poster would check in regularly and "end" the topic by acknowledging the responses. I understand that is not the case here and I am sure that I have not done that either; just saying that it has hurt.
For me, I go from thinking that the OP was offended by what I wrote, and that fast forwards to they never read it, and that goes to they read it but thought it was worthless, etc.
You and I joined here about the same time. You jumped in posting and I lurked for a few months. I've only been really hurt by a post twice. Once I was caught "how could she say that!" but then reading that poster's other posts I realized it really just seemed to be her style and probably not intentionally hurtful. Another time, following my husband's death, someone responded to something I had posted with what I considered an intentionally specific "mean girls" comment. I didn't respond to her but felt strongly about it and emailed Joan. She responded that she and I didn't see it the same way. So, I processed that Joan has seen things come and go far more than I had and it was my responsibility to deal.
The hurt from that post, (not from Joan's response) will always stay with me. But that is where it stays- here, within me.
You, Coco, have been such a source of comfort, support and understanding. You are so special to me as well as so many here. I love and treasure you!
Dear Abby ( I am not tying to be funny with this entrance, I hope you understand)
I have posted comments and have been ignored and I used to have quite a problem with my opinion being ignored but I realize that what I say may not be of any help or importance to anyone and I am now just trying to get things off my chest, In other words dumping them on the website. I don't have as much experience with this subject as my dH was just diagnosed last year so I don't feel I have much to offer, but I hope you can put these hurts behind you and please share your experiences with us New Bees. I try to think that no one is paying attention to my comments because they have so much on their minds and they are just searching for something to solve their problem and just set aside the things that are not helpful and they don't realize they have hurt someone. Please don't leave us out in the woods. If you have something to offer please do. We need all the advise and ideas that we can get. I'm really sorry if you have been hurt by comments or being ignored and hope you can chalk it up to the disease
Oh Abby, I understand what you are saying. So many times I feel like I have killed a subject. I post and nothing but crickets. I post my heart only to have it left hanging in the wind. And once I even felt like deleting all my posts. I felt I had no value. Then I think that we are all hurt, in pain and very thin skinned. We can't see the many, many members and nonmembers reading our posts. Helping them in some way. And when I think about that I just keep on plugging along. I too have not posted at times. It is hard to know what is best. One of the biggest problems is we can not see each others face as we "talk" and in person we would notice if we were upsetting someone. Online it is harder to gauge how others are taking it. I hope I have not offend you. If I have said anything to upset you. I am truly sorry.
blue, I couldn't express my thoughts any better than you have. If I have offended anyone, I am truly sorry. If I don't post a response, it could be that I don't know what I could add that would be of benefit to anyone. But I gain value from everything I read. I know that in "real life" I come across as reserved and difficult to get to know - this probably comes through in my posts. I can't change who I am, I can only accept it. And when I think that my posts are being ignored, I have to remind myself that I can't expect to get a response every time I post, since that would be contrary to my own behavior.
blue, that's how it feels sometimes but it isn't true. What is best is to post what you think and how you feel and you can be sure someone had thoughts about it just like we all do.
I know that feeling and it's part of the disease where we become so vulnerable with good reason.
bqd, where's my beavertail???
edit - sorry, stay on topic. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with anything I said.
I somehow missed whatever prompted this discussion. I urge you to please read the topic that is now a "sticky" on Posting or Not Posting. I wrote it 4 years ago, and it still stands. I will let that discussion thread speak for itself, but I do want to reiterate that everyone on this board is in a vulnerable position - we are hurting, stressed, anxious, and so worn down from this disease that we may also be over sensitive. Everyone means well, but the written word is interpreted differently by each individual person, based upon their own life experiences and whatever stress level they are currently experiencing.
My Message Board Monitor and I try to keep a close watch on the postings and intervene if we think someone's post is hurtful, insulting, or demeaning. More often than not, it is a case of misinterpretation by the reader.
I encourage differing opinions, as long as they are stated with respect, which they most often are.
I have read other boards and comments, and I do believe, due to the diligence of our fearless MBM, these are way on top as far as respect for each other's feelings and opinions.
Please be sure to read the "Posting or Not Posting" thread.
Being an "Old Timer" here - and I rarely post any more - Dave has been gone for two years now, I want to reassure everyone that the stress we are under during AD and just writing our feelings (You can't SEE the person or know the emphasis of the words) sometimes we are misinterpreted.
That said, I can't tell you how many times NO ONE added a comment after mine!!!! I was known for closing more threads than anyone!!! <grin> It upset me until several said that I had covered the subject and answered the questions as they would have, so no need to add anything!
Joan's place is filled with love - and we are from all over the world - and under such stress - that this is our "family" and families do have arguments occasionally....Group hugs are fabulous!!!
I couldn't have survived without Joan's and all of you here...I still read occasionally, but not 3 or 4 times a day as I did for five years. I still stick my toe in if someone says something that needs extra advice or backup ... AND, I still bite my tongue sometimes when I want to say something, but I am looking at this from two years after...and my reaction may be a little harsh...so I don't say it....
Hang in there, everyone....THERE IS AN AFTER!!!!! And make your Bucket list! (I"m halfway through mine - I just got back from a Baltic cruise!)
Mary - writing mine!! It's great to read you are getting on with living!
One other thing is this web site is visited by people from all over the world and different cultures and ways of speaking. What in my culture would give me a chuckle might offend someone else. SO if I have offended anyone, I tend to write black and white....very little emotion...getter done....I am sorry. And if there is a thread I am having problems with then I just stop reading it.
I missed the thread on posting or not. This was more aimed at just an overall caring for anyone that has been hurt in anyway. And just a general love fest. We mean so much to each other. Me thinks, that maybe in a "normal" life, many of us would not have connected. But because of our shared pain, and triumphs, we love through any disagreements, and open our hearts to different personalities.
Yes, Coco. that is what I understood from your post that started this thread. I think we are all hurting in different ways but connect because of our common problems. I love this site and everyone that posts. I've learned so much as I've traveled this road. Thanks, Coco for stating it so well.
In your post when you mentioned anyone being too hurt to post I just ran with that- shows that it has been in my subconscious I guess.
Actually, in terms of conscious thought I have been going more in the direction of whether my posts are helpful. I was afraid of saying something that would scare somebody off.
Pretty unrealistic considering what we have, each and every one of us, all been through.
In fact, since I have been reading here; almost two years, only once did I read where the poster essentially said of her ad/dementia spouse "I am not really finding this such a big deal".
BTW, the poster I referred to as having hurt my feelings- it was none of you here. It's not a name I have seen very often if that is okay to say.
Yes, I'm kind of laughing at myself now- thinking of blue's comments about the crickets! Someone's name always has to be last on a thread...
I feel so much gratitude and appreciation to this community. Thanks you to all and thank you to Joan for not only seeing the need but for building this special place.
I am sure there have been times that I have posted and offended someone. Quite simply, my response is only my opinion. I have always been of the mind that differing opinions are ok...we just accept that someone thinks differently and respect that and let it go. blue, I also have felt like I've killed a thread more than once. I had someone who used to call me "Frankie" because I never held back...was always frank. I guess I am still like that and really have no desire to change. Am I bad? Hope not. I always post my mind, but there is a lot of heart in it, too. I never lamented much about my situation because it was fruitless and as such, seemed a waste of time. I just did what needed to be done and that was that. Now that Lloyd is gone, I know I did what I needed to do and 99% of the time, it was right for us. I never ever and could not have blamed him for our situation. He had no control over it. Now his mother...I totally blame...that little Nazi (no, she's not German; just short and wants to be in total control) carried the Alz gene. Hahaha! That was supposed to be funny but it may be too close to the truth!